Dead to the World
by Mercy2908
Summary: One night Lou receives the visit of a stranger... This is a story that I co-wrote with Ellie, so it's not just me who put an effort to create this very special tale.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: This is a story I co-wrote with Ellie a few years ago. It is my favourite story from those I've written. It is a tale of fantasy, mystery, love, and family. A big part of this story is quite sad, and it was hard for us to write it at times, but we enjoyed writing the different conflicts and the characters dealing with problems, which will eventually lead to a final solution. I think if you give this story a chance, you'll enjoy it and love the characters... well, not all of them... you might dislike a few. LOL**

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**Prologue**

_Rock Creek, October 1863_

"That's it! Get the hell out of my house this minute!" Lou shouted at the top of her voice, as she forcefully pushed the dark woman towards the door. However, the stranger's robust build and strong limbs, and a preternatural strength even considering her size, made the task an arduous and useless effort for Lou, especially weakened as she was from the lack of sleep. And the woman was enraged now in earnest and fought Lou like a wild animal. Tufts of her jet-black shiny hair, marred by a few streaks of gray, had escaped her very long braid and flapped in the air as she resisted and battled the smaller woman viciously, hissing and snarling.

"How dare you to try stealing in my house and under my very nose?" Louise stormed angrily … but when she lifted her eyes to meet the other woman's coal-black ones, she felt her blood freeze and her courage falter. Despite their inky blackness, there seemed to be a light emanating from them, as strange and terrifying as if fire... the fire of Hell itself was burning in them. They seemed to penetrate into Lou's very soul, hypnotizing her like a snake would transfix its small prey. That slight hesitation gave the strange woman the upper hand and she dug her long nails into Lou's white, tender skin. Louise let out an agonized cry, still somehow powerless to move otherwise, but the other woman wouldn't allow her a single second's respite. Instead, the madwoman delivered a powerful blow to the side of Lou's head, sending her flying to the hard floor, hitting her face against the fireplace.

Louise groaned weakly as her whole body complained of the heavy fall. She was hurting so much that she couldn't move. Her sore face could feel the proximity of the hearth and its warmth, as she clutched the stone with trembling fingers. The raging storm continued outside, but other than that the room was silent but for the clacking of the many bracelets on the woman's wrists as she went about her thieving in the room, opening drawers and rifling through them for spare cash and valuables. Lou's spirit told her that she had to do the impossible, she had to pull herself to a standing position. Above all else, she feared for her baby. She needed to get to her baby before that horrible woman could. Her darling baby... the light of her life. Tears almost came to her eyes, thinking of what might happen to the baby, but she fought them down. This wasn't the time for weakness and with an almost supernatural effort she managed to raise her body. But almost instantly a scream escaped her lips as she fell heavily against the floor once again when the hulk of a woman mercilessly kicked her square in her head.

The scream woke her baby, who started calling for her with plaintive newborn wails. "Please leave us alone, please," Louise begged in a pitiful voice. "You've taken everything we had in the house, please." All her self ached to take her beautiful child in her arms and provide safety and comfort. Despite the baby's loud cries, strangely the woman's steps approaching her reverberated in the room with a strange and mysterious quality that made her skin crawl. Louise's body started to shiver in fear as the woman's shadow fell over her pitiful figure and she wondered what she had in store for her. Would she kill her and take her baby away? The idea almost made her scream, a scream that she muffled by covering her mouth, but this time the tears came unleashed. "Please," she repeated, lifting her eyes to the imposing figure of the woman who kept staring at her.

The evil woman guffawed maniacally and then for the first time since their violent struggled began, she opened her mouth to speak. "You don't sound so cocky now, little woman!" her voice boomed in the room, competing fiercely with the storm clapping outside and the desperate cries of the baby. "A cockroach like you... a filthy lump of pus and vermin... accusing me! Me... a descendant of kings and emperors! My race is powerful in ways that a dirty rat like you can never understand and only for that insult you deserve your punishment... a cruel and terrible punishment."

Lou's heart was pounding strongly, and she tried to pull herself up once again, but the woman kicked her in the stomach once again and as Lou buckled over, nauseated and breathless from the impact, the woman knelt down and wrenched a handful of Lou's long, shiny hair from her head, before slipping it into the pocket of her filthy, but elaborately embroidered cloak. A scream of pain left Lou's lips and then all she was able to whisper in a weak voice was, "Please... don't hurt my baby. Please don't hurt my baby."

Silence followed her plea and then she heard the woman's echoing footsteps moving away. "No please!" Lou cried desperately, fearing for her baby, and as she lifted her head with an almost supernatural effort, to her utter surprise she saw the woman dashing out of the house and slamming the front door closed behind her.

Without wasting a single second, Louise scrambled to her feet and ran for the basket where her baby lay, still crying. She held the red-faced, squalling child against her bosom desperately. On feeling the tiny body against her skin, a surge of anguish and relief washed over her and the sobs started racking her frame while she rocked her child in her arms. "Shh, baby. Mama's here and nobody's gonna hurt you. Nobody. I'm not gonna allow it. They'd have to kill me first."

The baby's cries subsided little by little and Lou's body complained of the blows that woman had rained down on her. Her back came to lean against the wall and her body slid down it, finally collapsing on the floor. Her baby had fallen asleep, but she still clasped the little one close, needing to reassure herself they were safe now. The crazed woman had stolen only a few dollars, thank Heaven; the money for this month's mortgage was hidden upstairs, where the woman had thankfully not gone looking for it and it was safe.

Her eyes stared at the window opposite her, which was being washed by the water falling outside. The sound of the rain pelting against the glass panes and the walls made her feel a bit more relaxed. She had been so scared. Never before had she been this frightened. Louise chastised herself in silence because she had been a fool for letting that woman in her house out of pity.

Louise was still shaky and her breathing came out in quick puffs as she brought back to mind the terrible encounter she had had with the stranger. She told herself that she needed to pull herself together. The danger was gone and nothing had happened but for her receiving a couple of painful blows. A clap of thunder resounded deafeningly in the house at the same time the window she had been watching suddenly shattered when the force of the wind blew a branch against it. A strong draft blew into the house and Lou quickly rose to her feet. She lovingly laid the baby back in the bassinet with a kiss, laying the soft blanket over carefully. Distractedly she went to shutter the window, glancing back at her baby as she leaned out and reached for the shutter's handle.

A crack of lightning split the sky and suddenly a wet hand seized her by the neck strongly. Even though her mouth automatically opened to shout in fright, no sound came out of it. Her eyes widened in horror as she saw the mysterious woman appear before her, squeezing her neck more and more tightly. The woman was soaked to the bone, water dripping down her dark face and hair, her clothes clinging to her, making her appear more scary and diabolical to Lou's gaze. Her black eyes radiated such powerful hatred and scorn that Louise could even feel it on her own skin.

"Do you really think you could get away so easily, little woman?" she hissed completely calm.

"Please..." Lou croaked weakly, feeling unable to breathe or even think.

"Fleas, toads and snakes!" the woman exclaimed as if she was conjuring the dark forces of the earth. "Your punishment will be waiting for you... yes... patiently, quietly, dangerously..."

"Please..." Lou repeated as her hands struggled to reach for the woman. She couldn't understand the woman's curses as she desperately tried to fight for her life and defend herself from her attack. The lack of air was weakening her by the second and Louise thought that she would faint at any moment.

"Parcae are already waiting... the spirit of Death will clutch and steal your soul while the world keeps living happily!" the woman continued with a dark and ominous voice, reinforcing her hold on Lou's neck with each word she uttered.

Louise continued stretching her arms towards her and thrashing to get free without any success, and suddenly the woman let go. The air filling her lungs caused her to be shaken by a terrible fit of coughing and feeling very weak, she fell heavily onto the floor. "And two golden-haired gazelles... one friend and one stranger will plot to steal your men... both your men. And the stranger will... very skillfully she'll manage to filch one's body and the other's soul. And then you'll know what stealing really means, little woman! Mark my words because they're as true as gospel!"

A malicious guffaw followed her words and then there was nothing but silence. Lou lifted her eyes to the window and nobody was there, but darkness and the rain pouring outside in a thick layer. She slowly rose to her feet and with more strength than she thought she had closed the shutters forcefully. Lou set about to lock all her windows and doors, and even dragged her big table before her front door. She had never been afraid of anything but now that she was a mother, fear for her little baby blinded her senses and she got the gun down from over the door and crouched by the cradle, trembling in terror.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1**

_Rock Creek, July 1863_

The neighing of a horse in the near distance managed to get though the barrier that sleeplessness and her dreams had built up, but she fought the urge to wake up. Tiredness still numbed her body and she wanted to keep sleeping. Yet, her will was not strong enough and soon her eyes fluttered, but squeezed them shut as she didn't feel ready to join the world of the living. Her mind became aware of the sounds and sensations around her, especially the extra pressure in her now very noticeable middle. Louise let out a groan as she asked a bit too loudly, "Kid, why on earth do you have to wake up so damn early?"

Louise finally opened her eyes to find her husband hovering over her while his hand rested on her belly where their soon-to-be-born baby lay. Lou was familiar with this morning ritual. She always woke up to find him there every single day and to be fair, Lou had to admit that he never really woke her up... he was always very careful not to disturb her. Yet, this last month of her pregnancy was proving to be so hard and uncomfortable that occasionally she found herself venting her frustration on her husband for no reason at all mainly in the mornings.

"Good morning, honey. It's not so early. You know I miss you even when you're asleep." He chuckled as he added, "Lou, if I let you, you'd spend your whole life sleeping."

"Oh yeah?" Lou exclaimed defensively. "If I could sleep soundly as you do, Mister, I wouldn't complain so much."

"A rough night again, honey?" he asked, still caressing her belly and regretting his previous comment.

"I swear, Kid. This baby seems determined to test its ma's strength before even coming to this world," Lou complained as she pushed her body up and propped herself against the headboard.

"Lou, the doctor said that everything's going fine. So if everything goes as planned, we'll have him or her with us very soon."

"Well, I'm more than ready to get it out of my body already," Lou continued in the same whining tone. "You men are so lucky not to suffer all this... not to mention to have your body turn into a shapeless watermelon."

Kid sat up next to her and passing an arm around her shoulders, he added, "I think you're beautiful... the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. And I couldn't wish for a better woman as the mother of my children."

Louise narrowed her eyes in mocked irritation, but her mood was improving with his flattery. "So you've been comparing then?" she couldn't help teasing.

"Oh there's nothing to compare. No other woman could fill your shoes... never ever." He planted a kiss on her cheek, which made her smile pleasantly for the first time that morning and after a moment he added, "And you know you're lucky, Lou. You can feel our baby in ways that I will never be able to."

"Yes... especially during labor," Louise replied, shivering at the thought of the ordeal she would have to go through in about a month. "Forgive me, Kid. I'm just tired of the extra weight and having to worry I'll fall flat on my face at any moment."

"Soon this will be over, honey. You know, I'm so proud of you, and I love you more and more with each passing day."

"I love you too, Kid," she whispered and leaning over, she brushed her lips over her husband's, a kiss that became more intense and passionate. They had been married for almost two years and their love for each other hadn't diminished a bit, but rather the opposite, it had become stronger, more intense, more passionate. They felt more and more in love and could hardly keep their hands off each other. And now that their union was going to be blessed by the birth of their first child, things couldn't get any better.

Lou had announced her husband the good news several months after a very long wait. The first year of their marriage had passed without any changes... and Lou had started to fear that they couldn't have children. Barely a couple of months after their wedding Louise had decided that she wanted them to become parents. Kid had obviously shared her desires and enthusiasm. The couple had tried everything to have the child they both longed for. For months their love-making became less spontaneous and romantic, and more of a routine which they repeated at different times of day every day, hoping to make a baby together. Yet, as every month brought about a barren disappointment, Louise's spirit collapsed.

Kid had kept telling her that they shouldn't get discouraged and needed to keep trying. They had read something about the matter, practiced some rituals from traditional folklore and during some time Lou had even taken some tea made of some mysterious herbal mixture that Rachel had brought her from a pilgrimage. Nothing had worked and Louise had finally agreed to go to the doctor, which is something that she hated. Dr. Harris had told them he found nothing wrong with either of them and there was no reason why they couldn't have as many babies as they wanted.

Despite the doctor's hopeful words and after an agonizing year Lou crept into Kid's lap as he sat by the fireplace one night. He had set aside the book to unbutton his clothes, assuming it was her way of telling him it was yet again time to "perform". But she stopped his hand, rested her head on his shoulder and said, "You know what, Kid? We don't really need children. I'm happy just with you." They had just held each other close there by the fire, letting go of their desperation for a baby. Whatever would be, would be, they both felt.

Calmness had then returned to their home and after those months they had gone back to their old ways. Their marital life became fuller and more enjoyable, and the pressure that they had been under disappeared completely. Not long afterwards, the appointed time came and went without any monthly "visitor" . . . her body started to have slight changes and her senses of smell and taste suddenly became unbearably sensitive. The changes increased over the next few weeks, and she allowed herself the audacity of hope. Finally, she went to Dr. Harris' office with Kid by her side, and the kindly, gruff old doctor smiled as he straightened up from his examination. "See. I told you if you just calmed down, nature would take its course. Congratulations, both of you."

"Well, we'd better get ready for the day," she said as she reluctantly disengaged from her husband's hold and slipped out of their bed. She opened the curtains and stared down at the medium-size property, co-owned with Buck. Nothing made her prouder than witnessing how their dream grew with each passing day. When they had bought the property, they three had been worried that they might not be able to make a living out of their ranch, but their efforts and work had finally paid off. They weren't rolling in money, but they had enough to live on it without too many cares.

Lou started to get out of her nightgown and as she stood clad in just underclothes, she caught Kid staring at her like a hawk. The intensity of his gaze made her embarrassed despite the years they had been together. She thought that in her eighth month of pregnancy she looked completely hideous, swollen and distorted, but Kid still looked at her in the same adoring way as when they had first met. "Come on, Kid," she said, trying to hide her shyness as she continued getting dressed. "Stop gawking at me and get out of that bed."

He chuckled as he finally got up. "Can't help getting distracted when you flaunt your body in front of me," he said as he came behind her and nuzzled her neck.

Despite her own desires, which she was surprised had not abated with her advanced pregnancy but in fact increased, Lou forced herself to get away from him. Quite often they had lingered in the bedroom for their special "good morning" and later they had to bear Buck's teasing and Theresa's and Jeremiah's curious looks. They were the adults in the household and it wasn't right that her siblings were up before they did, which actually was a normal occurrence.

After washing up and getting dressed, Louise walked to the door, urging Kid to hurry up and when she stepped into the hallway, she noticed a soft aroma of coffee wafting in the air. Theresa was already up, Louise thought, silently chastising herself for her tardiness. As fast as her size allowed her, she walked down the stairs and entered the kitchen. "Good morning!" she greeted her sister enthusiastically. Theresa stood before the stove cooking breakfast, and smiled when she saw her sister appear. Louise approached her and said, "Tessie, let me do that. You get ready for school."

Louise made an attempt to grab the spatula, but Theresa swatted her hand off. "There's still plenty of time before I have to go... Lou, let me finish this. Just go and sit."

"Tessie, I'm not sick!" Louise protested.

"I know... you're pregnant and we don't want another scare like last week's, do we?" Theresa replied.

Louise shook her head as she finally sat at the kitchen table. Last week while she was cooking, her expanded belly accidentally brushed against the burner. Luckily, Kid quickly put out the flame before it could cause any serious damage.

"Is Jeremiah up?" Louise asked from her seat at the table as she started shelling the peas she had saved for today's dinner.

"I sent him for eggs," Theresa explained as she took the coffeepot from the stove and left it on the table next to the cups. Lou smiled her thanks and poured herself a cup. As Theresa resumed her cooking, Lou kept watching her sister with genuine admiration. At twelve Tessie was already a little woman who managed in the house better than Lou did, and one day she was going to make a man very happy. However, Lou knew that her little sister had other prospects. Rachel was always saying that Theresa was the most intelligent student in her school and she could do whatever she wanted in life. Louise had talked to Kid about her expectations about her sister. Theresa had the aptitude to become a teacher, a nurse or even a doctor one day. Some time ago Lou had read an article about Elizabeth Blackwell, the first woman who had graduated from medical school and she could envision her sister following in her the footsteps of that first female doctor. Kid agreed with his wife's plans and they were already saving money for Theresa's education.

Unlike his sister, Jeremiah wasn't very keen on schooling or books. Louise had fought with him on a daily basis for the last year since he kept saying that he didn't need to learn all that stuff at school and all he wanted was to work on the ranch. Lou knew that her brother loved horses and working with them as much as she did, but she had been adamant about him completing his basic education. Now that he had finished school, he worked on the ranch full time and seemed to be happy about it. Lou had to admit that her brother at fourteen was not a child anymore and had taken his responsibilities on the ranch very seriously.

Soon the family was enjoying the breakfast Theresa had prepared while they talked cheerfully. They hadn't finished eating when there was a knock at the kitchen door and as Kid called 'come in', it opened and Buck came in, followed by Jennifer Tompkins.

"Good morning, lovebirds," Kid greeted them with a teasing grin.

"Kid, stop it!" Louise scolded her husband and turning to the young woman, she added, "Please Jen, have a seat and make yourself at home. Would you like some breakfast?"

"Thank you, Lou," Buck replied instead of the young woman, sitting down. "I wouldn't say no to a cup of coffee. Thanks for asking. You're really the personification of kindness."

Louise stuck her tongue out at him and exclaimed, "I don't need to invite you, Mr. Cross, since you're here all the time anyways."

Theresa hurried to serve two cups of coffee for the couple while the adults laughed at the gentle banter. When they were enjoying the hot beverage, Kid asked, "So what brings you two here so early this morning? Or did you just have a really late night?"

"Kid..." Lou chastised him again.

"Honey, he's been teasing us relentlessly for almost two years... even longer than that, since we started courting in our Pony Express days, so I reckon it's our time now, ain't it?"

Louise smiled at her husband's explanation and replied with a mischievous smile, "Yeah... you're right."

Buck and Jennifer had to laugh at their friends' comments and after sharing a knowing look with the blonde girl, Buck said, "Well, folks, Jenny and I came here today to announce something." Louise smiled, having strong suspicions about what her friend was talking about. After a brief lapse Buck continued, "Last night I proposed to Jennifer and she accepted."

The news was followed by a chorus of congratulating words and whoops as all the family came to hug the engaged couple. When the excitement calmed down, Louise asked, "So when's the wedding then?"

"Next June," Jennifer replied, sharing a loving look with her fiancé.

"Next June!" Lou exclaimed almost in shock. "That's almost a year from now!"

"Yeah, I know, but my father said that we should still get to know each other before taking the big step, and all these months will help us to see if this is what we really want."

"Oh for goodness' sake!" Lou exclaimed again. "You've been courting for months now and it isn't as if you didn't know each other before." Jennifer and Buck had been corresponding for many months until the girl had decided to leave the East and come to live with her father. Back in Rock Creek they had continued the friendship that they had started years ago when the Pony Express was still running. A few months later that friendship had turned into deep, mutual love and Buck had begun courting Jennifer. Mr. Tompkins, who had had hopes that his daughter would end up with one of the local boys, had frowned on their romance. Tompkins had never liked Buck because of his heritage, but he knew he would only push his independent-minded daughter into Buck's arms faster. So he had reluctantly accepted that Jennifer and Buck were more than friends only because he didn't want to lose her. He insisted on a long engagement because he still did not approve, and hoped that something would change his daughter's mind.

"Well, Lou, I'm not going to discuss Jenny's father's opinions," Buck replied. "We're glad that he hasn't forbidden our plans outright and after all a year isn't than much time. Those months will be enough for me to build a proper house for me and Jenny." Buck now lived in a little cottage on the ranch. When the three friends had bought the property, the Kiowa had insisted that his friends took the already built house since he was a single man and didn't need a lot of space to live in. So he had taken the cottage where the previous owners' foreman had his lodgings. Yet, now that he was going to be a married man he would extend that little house and make it as comfortable as possible for his wife-to-be.

"I don't know if I'd have the patience. In your case, I would seriously consider eloping with my man and getting married in secret," Louise remarked.

"Yes, honey, you've never been very patient," Kid added with a smile. "At least I am patient enough for the two of us."

"Yeah..." Lou rejoined ironically. "If it had been up to you, decades would have passed before we ..." The words died in her lips as she noticed the intent looks of her siblings and she rectified in time, "uh... before we got married."

"Honey, you know I'd wait for you ten years, twenty, or a lifetime if I had to," Kid said as he reached for her hand. "Your love is worth that and more."

Louise smiled softly as she blushed at the declaration of her husband before the others. The moment was interrupted by Buck's clear voice, which of course didn't miss the chance to retaliate for his friend's previous teasing, "Okay, lover boy, you might wait all you want, but work can't. So if you're done sweet-talking your wife, let's get a move on."

The married couple turned crimson as the others exchanged amused grins. Lou and Jennifer walked to the door with their men. They had a delivery and even though they'd be back early in the afternoon, Lou felt she already missed him. Theresa picked up her books and slate, and giving a kiss to her sister, she left the school in a cheerful mood. Jeremiah continued towards the stables while Kid and Buck remained to bid their girls good-bye. As Lou stood under the threshold of her door, Kid walked up to her. "You take care while I'm away, all right?" he said as he brushed her cheek with the back of his hand.

"Jenny's staying with me... you don't have to worry."

"Yeah, but I can't help it."

"I'll be fine... we are fine," Lou assured him once again, caressing her protruded belly softly.

The couple stared into each other's eyes in silence for a few moments and then he lowered his head towards hers, meeting her lips in a soft, long kiss. Louise clasped her hands behind his neck as her mouth kept showing her love for him. When they pulled away, neither said a word, and with a sigh Kid simply walked away towards the stables after Buck. A moan escaped Lou's mouth as she watched her husband and only when he disappeared inside the building, she noticed Jennifer next to her. "You know something, Lou? I hope Buck and I get to have what you and Kid have. It's so refreshing to see you together."

Louise smiled her thanks to her words sheepishly, feeling happy and proud of her family and the future they had ahead. Getting there hadn't been easy at all, and they had learned the hard way they couldn't take anything for granted. Every day was a challenge, a test, a myriad of possibilities, but Lou had to admit that she didn't want her life any other way. She wanted it all... the problems, the hard work, the daily headaches... everything. For this reason fear invaded her soul from time to time, thinking that this good, smooth streak couldn't last too long for her. She was used to being struck by bad luck since she had been a young child and her heart now told her that some misfortune was lurking in the dark waiting for the moment to strike them. Kid always told her that was just nonsense, and she knew he was right, but years of misery had taken their toll on her. All she needed to do was to learn to enjoy what she had and ignore the ominous feelings that kept bothering her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Note: In this story it is important to notice the date at the beginning of every chapter. The prologue takes place in October and the following chapters are flashbacks of what happened months before. The story is developed in a period of several years, so it's important no to miss the date that tells us when the events take place. Thanks for all the comments you have all left, and I hope you keep reading this story and accompany the characters in this rollercoaster. Thanks a lot.**

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**Chapter Two**

_August 1863_

Lou stood in the doorway of the Marshal's office for a moment, watching the old man fondly. He was frowning over some wanted posters, squinting and holding them up by the window with his back to the door.

"Hello, Marshal. I got a complaint to register."

Teaspoon turned around at the sound of her voice, setting down the posters and grinning widely. "Well, you come to the right place. What's the problem, Mrs. McCloud?"

"It's been a whole week since you've been out to visit us. We miss you out at the ranch," Lou said, accepting his kiss on her cheek. She smiled up at him, noting with some worry that his eyes seemed tired behind his spectacles. "You getting as much sleep as you should, Teaspoon?" she fussed.

"Oh, I make do. An old dog like me don't need much sleep no more. How about you? I reckon this heat's hard on you in yer delicate condition." He went to the corner and poured her a drink, pulling the chair from his desk out and gesturing to her. She sank into it gratefully, leaving her parcels next to the chair legs. Dr. Harris had recommended she walk for at least an hour a day; and whenever her steps led her to town, she dropped by Tompkins' store to see Jenny, and was drawn irresistibly to the table where baby items were on display. Pretty blonde-haired Jenny always had a little present for her or showed her the latest baby clothes. Everybody was very excited by this baby, a real blessing in a time when people were dying by hundreds back in the east.

"Well, if I had my druthers I'd pick a better time of year to be nine months pregnant," she allowed.

"Next time, you think about that afore you do anything rash round about December."

Lou giggled through a sip of water. "Okay, Teaspoon." She looked at the wanted poster on the desk, reading the finer print on the bottom describing the fugitives' many offenses. "McCall gang actin' up again, are they?" she said with keen interest. "Says here they held up the Devil's Gate stage and killed the driver . . . then robbed a bank the same day. They're getting mighty reckless," she said with a low whistle.

"Uh-huh," Teaspoon said vaguely, turning the poster around and squinting at it again. "Don't know why they gotta print the durned things so small." Lou lifted her eyebrows, and he sighed. "I got an appointment this week with the eye doctor, ma'am."

"Glad to hear it," she said, stroking his arm affectionately. In the last two years Teaspoon had grown much grayer and older looking. It was natural that his long, eventful life would take its toll physically sometime; but what worried Lou most was the marshal's fading eyesight, considering his dangerous job in which his life could depend on the use of all his senses. Kid and Buck had offered him a job and a place to build a small house on the ranch, but the marshal had refused. Lou didn't know if it was because he loved his marshalling job so much, or because he simply didn't want to work under the men he had taught almost everything, or because he hated to admit he was getting older. Probably it was a little of all three, she reflected. "You know I worry about you," she told him gently.

"I know, and I surely appreciate it. Can I treat my best girl to lunch?" Teaspoon asked, changing the subject.

She shook her head. "I . . . I feel a little strange all of a sudden, Teaspoon. Maybe I'd best go home and lie down."

"Lemme walk you there," Teaspoon insisted, taking his hat from a peg on the wall and extending his arm for her to hold onto. When she slipped her small hand into the crook of his arm, he patted it lovingly. "I wanna make sure you and the little one get home safe and sound. Have I told you how happy I am to be a grandpa, Lou?"

"You have. And you'll be the best grandpa any little boy ever had." Lou imagined fishing trips and target practice and long bedtime stories, and smiled happily, rubbing her belly absent-mindedly.

"Little boy, eh?"

She blushed. "I have a feeling . . ." She worried sometimes that this miracle baby would be the only one she and Kid would ever have, and though she would be thrilled with a boy or a girl, deep down she hoped to present her husband with a son. Teaspoon squeezed her hand again and they started off toward the ranch together under the midday sun.

Lou wondered if she should have taken Teaspoon up on his offer of lunch, if only to wait out the blistering noonday sun. But then again, all she wanted was to get back to her own home right now. Even though she was tired, she felt an unreasonably strong urge to clean the house before she napped, and to organize the many items she had bought for her impatiently longed-for baby, much like the mother bird who feathers her nest before her eggs hatch. It was hard to walk fast, though. She kept getting the strangest cramps in her back, and her belly felt so very tight, and she was so out of breath already, even at their slow pace with Teaspoon guiding her carefully. She glanced at her big belly; just last night Kid had joked that the baby couldn't be curled up in there, with the way her belly stuck straight out, reaching her very knees when she sat down. He must be standing at full military attention. She had agreed that it certainly had felt like the little one was standing on her bladder, and stretching out his full length. But now . . . her belly had dropped visibly since even last night, hanging low now, and if she thought she was uncomfortable last night, she knew now what discomfort really felt like.

Suddenly, she cried out in surprise. Teaspoon held her arm as she bent over. "What is it, sweetheart?" he asked, frightened at her expression.

"Nothing," she gasped. "But I think my water broke." She looked up into his face, joyfully. "My baby's coming, finally, he's almost here, Teaspoon! I'm going to get to see him soon."

Teaspoon was wiser, knowing that first babies often arrive only after days of labor, but he reflected that she didn't need to hear that right now. "I'm so glad," he said kindly, helping her straighten up and supporting her as they walked the little distance the rest of the way home. "Let's get you home, Mama, so we can meet that little fella or lady, okay?"

She nodded, a film of sweat beading her lips now as the cramps got a little harder than before, and they reached the ranch gate, where a true contraction gripped her and she held onto the wooden gate. Kid, Buck and Jeremiah were working together on some fencing that had broken down in the last storm, and Kid called out a cheerful greeting. When Lou didn't answer or wave back, Kid looked closer and saw Lou's tightened, damp face. "Lou?" he said, dropping the end of fence pole he was holding, to Buck's protests. Kid mumbled an apology over his shoulder and bent down to go through the fence and run to his wife. "You okay?" he asked, apprehension over his face.

"She broke her water on the walk back, Kid. And she's gotten a couple stronger pains."

Kid bent and picked her up in his arms, noticing her skirt was very damp. She clung weakly to him, putting her face on his shoulder, and Buck and Jeremiah came up behind them. "Should I get the doctor?" Buck offered.

Lou nodded. "Thanks, Buck," she managed to whisper. "And Rachel. Please, tell Rachel too, ask her to come when school gets out?" The contraction had passed and she smiled into Kid's worried face. "I'm okay now, that was a harder cramp 'sall. I'm so happy it's finally time," she said, teary eyed with happiness. He kissed her lips gently and carried her carefully into the house, with Teaspoon and Jeremiah following up the steps behind them and Buck riding past on Warrior for the doctor.

* * *

"Looks like it'll be a good while yet, Lou," Dr. Harris said, as he wiped the sweat from his forehead with a white handkerchief. "You're only a fingertip dilated."

"So . . . maybe another couple hours?" Kid asked hopefully.

Dr. Harris glanced at the worried husband in the corner. "Well, maybe," he hedged. "I'm sure by this time tomorrow, though, you'll be holding your firstborn. I'd guess a big one, too, nine or ten pounds if I don't miss my guess."

"Tomorrow?" Kid burst out. "Ten pounds?" He looked at his wife. She was wearing only a thin nightgown now, and had kicked off the sheets in the heat. Looking at the swollen belly above the still-tiny hips, and thinking about how big a nine or ten pound baby would look, he went pale. What the hell were they thinking when they tried so hard to have a baby? There was no way . . . no way on earth anything that big could get through there, she was much too slender. He should have known that better than anybody, he remonstrated himself. He was sick with remorse at what he had inflicted on her.

"I'd say so, Dad. Good job," Dr. Harris laughed, patting Kid on the shoulder jovially. "Well, things are going to take a while here. I'll be back after dinner. You can call me if you need me."

"You can't leave," Kid said, frantically, holding on to the doctor. "She needs you."

"Kid, the doctor has other patients. There's nothing he can do for her that Jenny and I can't," Rachel reassured him, chuckling. "Let him get back to his office, and when the time comes we need him, he'll be here. And you'd better go too; you look like hell and we don't need you passing out or getting in the way."

"I should be here with her," Kid insisted.

"Kid?" Lou called. "Come here, okay?"

He came to kneel by her bed, and reached for her hand.

"It's okay. The girls will help me, really, and Dr. Harris can come back when it's time," she said. Looking at his terrified, grayish face, she smiled slightly. "Maybe you'd better go on outside with Buck and Teaspoon, like Rachel said."

"I should be here with you."

Gripped by another contraction, Lou shut her eyes tight and gripped the bed frame with her free hand. He watched helplessly, as Rachel murmured encouragement to her. "Don't tighten up, Lou . . . relax, if you can, and keep breathing through the pain. Think of something else."

Lou nodded, breathing deeply as the contraction waned. "Kid, I think it's best if you go outside. I love you, and I don't want you to be upset by all this. Go on, I'll be fine with the girls."

"Kid, it's going to be a long day . . . go on and finish whatever you were working on with Buck. And I'm sure Jeremiah and Theresa are eagerly waiting to hear how their sister is doing," Jenny agreed. "We've got this covered. My mother learned midwifery when we were with the Sioux, and I picked up a lot from her. Between me and Rachel, we can handle it fine. We'll call you if she needs you."

Reluctantly Kid let the plump doctor steer him out of the door and towards the stairs. "She'll be fine, son. She isn't the first woman to have a baby and won't be the last one. These things take their time."

Kid sent the doctor a sideways, irritated glance. He didn't care about other women. It was his wife in there and all he hoped was that her time passed as soon as possible. Despite her protruded belly, she looked so small and frail. Dr. Harris could say that everything was fine, but Kid couldn't help but be concerned about her. What if something went wrong and the doctor wasn't here? The mere notion was enough to make him sick with worry. This baby was very sought-after, but right now as fear crept at his soul, he swore to himself that he wouldn't put Lou in this predicament again. This would be their first and only child, and he would see to it Lou would never have to suffer something similar.

* * *

The fence was finished and the afternoon chores done, with no word from the women, and Kid paced in the hallway restlessly, worrying. Teaspoon noticed the wrinkles of concern in his ex-rider's face and thought that Kid needed a distraction. It was time he talked to the young man about something that he had been thinking about for some time now.

"Let's take a walk, son, it could be a while."

Kid nodded, keeping his eyes down cast on the ground as they walked out of the house and toward the corral. Kid stared up at the window of the bedroom where his wife lay suffering, and Teaspoon clapped him on the back. "She'll be all right, son. She's a strong little lady, and if anybody can tough this out. You'll be holdin' your little boy this time tomorrow."

"My little boy . . ." Kid said, trying to smile. "She's got you convinced it's a boy, eh?"

"Guess so. Ladies got a way of knowin', I reckon." Teaspoon fumbled in his pocket a moment. "I never had me a son, you know." He drew something out of his pocket. "I reckon I never will now . . . but you boys are all like sons to me. You know what I mean?"

"We feel like you're the father some of us never had, too, Teaspoon."

"Well, seein' as you're the first of the boys to have a son or daughter of yer own, I think it's fittin' I pass this on to you. My pa gave this to me, and his pa gave it to him. These here are all our initials. You hold onto that, now, and . . . when the time's right, you pass it on to your oldest son."

He held up a silver pocket watch that gleamed softly from much polishing over many years, a mellow, soft gleam. Sure enough, inside, three sets of initials. "Teaspoon," Kid said, moved. "I don't know what to say . . . thank you." He went to hug the old man, and when they pulled apart, both a little misty-eyed, Buck was hustling toward them. "Looks like Dr. Harris is back to check on Lou."

Kid almost ran over the doctor as he dashed to meet him and both men quickly made their way up to the bedroom. There were a few lamps lit but didn't dispel all the darkness creeping into the house. The clouds that had formed earlier on were covering the full moon and no stars were visible in the sky. A summer storm was definitely brewing, which Kid hoped would cool down the muggy atmosphere of the last few days. Kid steeled himself before he came in the room, trying to be supportive, but he staggered back, horrified and feeling faint, when Dr. Harris lifted her nightgown and he saw Lou's swollen, dilated nether regions underneath despite the poor light in the bedroom.

"Kid, get a hold of yourself, for God's sake," Rachel hissed, as Kid swayed on his feet. She pushed him backwards into a chair. He gripped the arms of the chair when Lou arched her back and cried out in pain. Her long hair plastered to her face from sweating in the ungodly heat, she was holding onto the bed and grimacing through a hard contraction that seemed to last an eternity to the poor, guilt-ridden husband in the corner. Finally it passed, and Dr. Harris patted her knee encouragingly.

"That was a good one," he said. "You're a brave, good girl, and you're doing just fine. But I won't be needed for a while." He got up again, and nodded to them. "It won't be before morning. She's not even fully dilated yet."

"Isn't there something you can give her to make things move faster?" Kid asked piteously.

"If I did, I'd be a rich man," Dr. Harris joked. Kid's face darkened now at the doctor's lackadaisical attitude, and Rachel quickly hustled the old man out the door. Kid knelt by Lou's bed again, and she stroked his face softly.

"I never knew I could love you any more than I already did," Kid said shakily. "But you're so brave . . . doing this . . ." he choked on the words, pressing her hand to his lips.

"Well, I don't exactly have a lot of choices right now," she said, with a faint half-smile.

He gazed at her, wondering how it was that she still looked so beautiful, even tired and weak and with pale purple half-circles under her impossibly big brown eyes. "I love you so much," he tried to tell her. He saw Rachel and Jenny look impatiently at him, but he ignored them and focused on Lou's eyes intently. "Do you need me here? Tell the truth . . . don't worry about sparing me . . . I want to be near you if you want me here."

She had hoped to do just that, spare him; but her resolve was wavering. She nodded, tearfully, and he pressed his lips to her forehead. "Then I'll stay," he said, giving the women an ominous look. They shrugged and went about their work helping the young mother-to-be.

The night dragged on, hour after difficult hour; toward dawn, Kid crept into the bed to hold her from behind as she endured contraction after contraction, and finally, at about eight o'clock in the morning, Jenny took a look and nodded to Rachel. "We'd better send for the doctor. It's time for her to start pushing."

"She's so tired," Kid said, as Rachel set up the pillows so Lou could sit up to push, and Jenny stepped out to wake Jeremiah to go for Dr. Harris.

"She'll have to do it. And I know she wants to see her baby, so she'll work hard, won't you, Lou?" Rachel encouraged her friend. Lou nodded and leaned back against Kid's chest as a contraction came on.

"Now bear down, Lou, when you feel the contraction," Jenny urged her, coming back into the room.

Kid held onto her, supporting her as she pushed, once, twice, three times. Then again, another six pushes; "Where's the doctor?" he said tightly, as Lou slumped against him, resting between contractions.

"That's his buggy," Rachel said, relieved as she had a look out the window. The doctor came slowly up the stairs, and into the room. Kid looked daggers at him when on entering the bedroom, the physician took his sweet time to place his bag on the dresser in the corner and to take out his spectacles. Kid was running out of patience and almost lashed out at him, but he controlled his tongue, as the doctor finally came to assist Lou.

It was another hour, though, before Kid looked down and saw a baby's red face staring up from between his wife's legs, with the body slipping out easily after it. Lou weakly lay back in his arms, spent, and the women closed around the small newcomer, wiping it down and wrapping it tightly.

"Let me see him," Lou whispered, and Rachel carried the little one to lay him in his mother's arms.

"He's a boy, like you said," Rachel told her friend, and Lou looked down into her baby's face. He stared up at her, unblinkingly, and Lou laughed at his expression.

"Well hello," she cooed, and Kid pressed his lips to the back of her head, blinking back tears at the sight of his son in his wife's arms at last.

"He's beautiful, isn't he? Isn't he the most beautiful baby in the world?" Lou said, enraptured. She counted the little fingers, and moved the blanket to count his toes.

"He certainly is, and there are some folks out here who are eager to meet him. You up to it, Lou?" Jenny asked, sticking her head in the door.

Lou nodded eagerly, excited to show off her new baby boy. "Send them in, of course!" Jeremiah, Theresa, Buck, and Teaspoon gathered around the foot of the bed, admiring the little boy and showering praise on him.

"Well? What's my grandson's name?" Teaspoon demanded, stroking the downy fluff of light hair on the baby's head wonderingly.

"We decided on Jedediah Aloysius McCloud," Lou said proudly. Kid hugged her around the shoulders and Teaspoon puffed his chest out proudly, his eyes misting over a little. He'd missed out on raising children of his own, but he was thrilled to have a grandson, and the naming of the boy after him in part made him proud as any "real" grandpa ever could be.

"You and me are gonna have a lot of fun, young Jedediah," he murmured to the baby. "Your ma and pa and me … we're gonna all teach you to be the best rider, and fisherman, and shot west of the Mississippi," he promised.

"Not to mention his aunt and uncle," Jeremiah added.

"Yes. All of his aunts and uncles," Jenny finished, slipping an arm around Buck's waist and smiling back and forth between her fiancé and their best friends who were truly like a brother and a sister.

"Well, before we all get to cryin', how about I rustle up some breakfast for y'all, and Lou can give Jedediah his breakfast in private," Rachel said, wiping her own eyes with her apron and pushing a long blonde ringlet behind her ear. "Shoo, now, they need to get to it and then rest."

The doctor and assorted family filed out and Rachel looked back fondly at her best friend, settling the baby at her breast for the first time and wincing at the slightly painful sensation of first-time nursing, cuddled in her husband's arms. "Congratulations, all of you," she said softly, closing the door to the bedroom.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 3**

_September 1863_

A humming voice welcomed Kid to another day. His hand automatically crept on the bed in search of his wife, but as usual her side was empty. Opening his eyes, he saw her on the chair, rocking back and forth as she nursed their son. "Good morning, sleepy head," Lou greeted him with a smile.

Kid rubbed the remainder of sleep out of his eyes and then he stared at his wife intently. The image of his son breastfeeding never ceased to amaze him. Jed always looked so relaxed and contented in those moments, and Lou seemed to acquire a special beauty and shine that he hadn't seen in her before.

"What's that face for, Mr. McCloud?"

Kid changed the smile he had bore on his lips for a serious countenance, and shaking his head, he said, "We're both very lucky to have you. I don't know what we'd do without you." Louise smiled at her husband's sweet declaration, but then she couldn't help yawning.

"The little fellow kept you awake again, honey?"

Louise shrugged her shoulders. "His tummy is still bothering him. Poor boy's been crying half the night. He must be exhausted."

"I didn't hear you or him," Kid replied as he slipped out of bed and started to put on his trousers.

"I was awake when he started to fuss, so I took him downstairs before he woke you up," Lou explained.

"You should've woken me up."

"What for? Kid, you work very long hours on the ranch and you need your rest."

"You work as much as I do, Lou, even more. It's not fair you have to shoulder the responsibility for our son on your own. Between his night feedings and his colic you hardly get any sleep. I know I can't feed him, but at least I'd like to be of help when he's feeling poorly."

"Kid, I'm his ma. It's my job. Besides, you and Buck have relieved me from my chores around the ranch, which means you have an extra workload."

Kid came closer to the rocking chair where his wife was sitting. He bent down and whispered in her ear, "I love you." He placed a soft kiss on top of his son's head, discovering that he had fallen asleep.

"I told you... he's exhausted," Lou remarked as she gently placed a finger in the corner of the baby's mouth to release him as Jenny had told her months ago to do. It wasn't the first time Jed fell asleep while nursing, and she knew that this meant that as soon as he woke up, he'd cry and demand his food with all the force his small but powerful lungs let him.

Kid took the baby from her arms and carefully laid him in his crib. Lou walked after him and both of them gazed at their sleeping baby's peaceful figure. Louise hugged her husband from behind and rested her head against his arm. "You know what, Kid?" she said and he turned his attention to her. "I can hardly wait for Jed to grow up and hear him talk. I so long to hear him say he loves me and have all his kisses."

Kid smiled at his wife's words and bringing her hand to caress her cheek, he added, "Lou, with all the children we're gonna have, you'll get plenty of cuddles and I-love-you's." The fear he had felt the day Jed had come to this world was not forgotten and he had really meant his intention of not having more children at the time. Yet, right now as he looked back to that day, things appeared in a different light. Actually, he'd like them to give Jed a little sister one day. Of course that wouldn't happen so soon, with Lou nursing and with their difficulty in conceiving their first child, but Kid felt like joking with his wife.

Louise raised an eyebrow in surprise. "With all the children we're gonna have?" she echoed, a note of amusement in her voice. "How many do you plan for "us" to have?"

"Well, I haven't actually worked out a figure," he replied in the same teasing tone, "but I'm planning to love you enough to have hundreds."

Their lips met in an intense and sense-assaulting kiss. Lou's hand crept under his longhjohns top, eager to feel his warm skin, his tight flesh, his well-formed muscles... As his mouth left hers and traveled down her neck, a moan escaped from the deepest corners of her soul and she muttered in a husky voice, "Do you think you can stay for a bit just to greet your wife good morning?"

Kid smiled, remembering how these good mornings used to be. "You sure you aren't too tired to greet me back?" he asked, briefly stopping his loving ministrations on her soft, white neck.

"Please Kid, I need to," Louise replied, her breathing quickening at the mere idea of being with her husband. Since Jed was born, they had made love only once. After recovering from the effects of labor, Lou had been so tired that she sometimes almost fell asleep while standing. Jed was a nervous and fussy little boy to whom sleep didn't come easily or remain long. Besides, he was tormented by colic, and often spent hours shrieking at night before he dropped off to sleep. It was no wonder that she didn't find many occasions to enjoy the pleasures of being with her husband, which contrasted with their marital customs before becoming parents, even when Lou was as big as house when pregnant, she had felt full of desire for her husband. Her desires had recently started to reappear, now that it had been a while and she had begun to recover from childbirth.

As soon as her begging words were out of her mouth, Kid started to fumble with the belt of her robe until he finally managed to untie it with a swift motion. He pulled the garment off her shoulders, dropping it at her feet. She smiled nervously, placing her hands on his broad shoulders, and jumped up to clasp her arms over his shoulders and her legs around his waist. Through the thin material of her drawers, she could feel his manly desire; she let out a satisfied giggle as she took a stronger hold of his shoulders. Kid started walking backwards. When his legs bumped against one side of their bed, he purposely tumbled onto it with a heavy thud. Louise landed on top of him while they both laughed as quietly as possible, trying not to wake Jed.

Without losing a single minute more, Louise pulled her nightgown over her head and sat half-naked on his lap on her husband's lap under his intense stare. Her breasts were voluptuous and full from nursing the baby, and Kid's admiring gaze told her that he liked what he was seeing. "You're so beautiful," he breathed mesmerized as he placed his hands on both sides of her hips. Louise smiled mischievously and lowered her body forward, starting to undo the buttons of his shirt as her mouth made a beeline of kisses on his exposed skin. Kid slipped his hand her bloomers, exploring her soft skin before finally tugging the material off her. Louise peeled the cotton longjohns top from him and her skilled fingers started working on his pants while her tongue traced every inch of his flat and muscular abdomen. She was almost feverish with excitement, longing to enjoy a passionate encounter with her husband, when suddenly an indignant wail erupted from the other side of the room. Louise sighed in frustration as she shared a knowing look with Kid. She eased off her husband's lap and looked for her discarded nightgown, which she soon located on the floor.

"Seems this son of ours is determined to be an only child. If he keeps this up, you better forget about having an army of a family," Louise joked as she threw her white gown back on. "He seems to choose the right moment to demand attention from us."

"Maybe he's just jealous of the attention his mama gives to another man... even if the other man is his pa," Kid replied amusedly as he started getting dressed for the second time today. Lou smiled as she picked up the boy and sank down on the rocking chair again. She uncovered herself and the baby eagerly started to nurse. " I can't blame him for wanting you back," Kid continued in the same tone. "He can't live without you... like his pa."

"Like father, like son. Gosh, I'm really doomed," Louise exclaimed and started laughing, Kid joining in her mirth.

"Yeah, and you love it, don't you?" Kid added as he stood by the full-length mirror on the wall opposite their bed and tried to make his hair back to a decent shape. As he did so, he thought that he urgently needed a haircut, but things were so busy lately that he hadn't had the time to even stop by at the barber shop.

After his words Louise sighed in an exaggerated fashion. "Yeah, I have to admit. I love this fate and wouldn't change the two of you for anything in the world."

Kid came closer to her and gave her a soft kiss and before pulling away, he whispered, "I'll make it up to you tonight." Louise smiled in agreement and as Kid walked to the pegs to retrieve his jacket, he asked, "So honey, what are your plans for today? You taking Jed to the doctor?"

"Yeah... I've run out of the medicine Dr. Harris gave me for his tummy," Lou explained as she kept her eyes fixed on her baby. "Jeremiah's taking me to town... he's volunteered to go for provisions to Tompkins."

"He's taking his responsibilities here very seriously," Kid remarked as he caressed the soft hair on his son's head. "He surprises me, I have to say."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Louise agreed. "He's growing into a nice young man." She paused briefly and then continued, "Anyway, I'm also mailing the letters for Emma and the boys for Jed's christening and while my brother is at Tompkins', I'm going with Jenny to the seamstress's. She's supposed to get her measurements for her wedding dress taken today."

"Oh..." Kid exclaimed, sharing a grin with his wife. "And will you make Miah wait for you girls to finish? That could take you hours."

"Oh Kid! We aren't that bad!" Louise complained, scrunching her face in mocking annoyance. "Anyway, he won't have to wait. I'll walk back to the ranch." She breathed out in a dreamy way as she added, "I'm so glad that Buck and Jenny are getting married. I'm really looking forward to their wedding."

"Before we know it, it will be here. Time goes by so quickly. A couple of months ago Jed was just a tiny wee thing, and look at him now. He's growing stronger and bigger with each passing day," Kid remarked, which was received by a bright smile from Louise. He crossed the room to the dresser and picked up his silver pocket watch. Kid opened the watch's lid and checked the time. "Well, I think I better get ready for the day. You coming to breakfast?"

"I will when Jed finishes his and I make myself decent," Lou replied, swiping her hand over her body, still clad in her wrinkled night clothes. She knew that by the time she made it downstairs, her husband would already be gone. She really missed her old routine, but she wouldn't change what she had now. She didn't mind the lack of sleep or the tiredness... she'd have all the time of the world to sleep later but these moments with her baby boy were unique and would never be back. So she wanted to treasure them in her heart for all eternity, every single one.

* * *

Theresa happily pushed the carriage where her nephew lay along Rock Creek's main street while her brother and sister walked behind her. She usually came to school on foot. The ranch wasn't too far from town, and on her way she normally came across her best friend, Penny, and the two girls walked to school chatting. Today, though, Theresa had preferred to take a lift with Jeremiah on the buckboard, especially since Louise and the baby had tagged along. She was so smitten with her nephew that she spent every free minute she had with her sister and the baby. Theresa even gave a hand when she changed the baby's diaper, bathed him or sometimes the girl even watched him when her sister took a nap those frequent days that she hadn't been able to sleep a wink during the night.

The three siblings sauntered along the street when suddenly a loud voice resounded behind them. "Tessie! Wait!" They turned to see a young girl running towards them. Her bright red hair was neatly done in plaits, which bobbed up and down as she dashed along. The hairstyle and her calico print dress and freshly starched white pinafore showed that she couldn't be older than thirteen. Lou recognized the freckled, red-headed girl as Penny Douglas, Theresa's best friend. Oddly, her nickname wasn't related to her given name. Penny wasn't short for Penelope or anything similar, as her parents had inflicted the poor girl with the name Berengaria, for reasons known and understood only by the Douglases. Penny hated the bizarre name and almost had made it disappear from people's minds by insisting on the nickname her five older brothers bestowed upon her because of the shiny copper color of her hair.

"Good morning y'all!" the girl greeted them breathlessly after the run she had taken, and turning to Theresa first, she added, "Tessa, I waited for you at our usual place. I thought you were sick when you didn't show up."

"Sorry, Penny. I didn't mean to stand you up. I simply came on the buckboard with my sister and my beautiful nephew today!" Theresa exclaimed, a bit too importantly for a twelve-year-old, and her hands never let go of the carriage.

Penny's mouth broke into a wide smile and her hazel eyes lit cheerfully, and turning to Lou, she asked, "Oh Mrs. McCloud, can I have a look at little Jed, please?"

"Of course honey," Lou replied as she lowered the hood for Penny to have a better view of her son. Jed was peacefully sleeping. After last night it was no wonder that he was so tired. Lou thought with a smile that that her son had his days and nights mixed up, and wanted to sleep only when he wanted to, not on her schedule.

"Oh Mrs. McCloud, he's so lovely! And he's grown up so much since I last saw him!" Penny exclaimed in a grandiloquent fashion.

Louise smiled. Penny usually tended to romanticize and embellish everything with a special charm all her own. In fact, the girl had seen Jed a couple of days ago when she had come visiting Tessie, so Lou doubted that the red-haired child could see any changes in her baby. Penny was a peculiar young girl, with an excessive imagination, and being the youngest child and only girl in a five-brother family, all made her personality, to put it charitably, unique. Yet, she was a nice, kind-hearted girl and a good friend to Theresa, and Louise liked it when she was around. "Yeah, he's getting bigger, honey," she simply said to the girl's words.

"Someday I'll have a little boy like yours, Mrs. McCloud," Penny continued. "Yeah, I prefer boys to girls... they're so much better. I know that you can't choose what a baby will be and you have to be contented with what the Good Lord sends you, but if I could choose, all my children would be boys."

"Penny, you're a bit too young to think about having children," Theresa replied among giggles. "You don't even have a sweetheart!"

Penny crossed her arms over her flat chest, a bit annoyed. She knew that her friend didn't care about romance and preferred to have her nose buried in books. Penny wasn't a bad student, but she would skip school if she could, and what she dreamed of was to be like her ma, to get married and have a big family. "One day I will have one... I'll get married in a white church, decorated with white roses and white lilies. And then I'll have a dozen babies," the girl stated seriously and as she uttered her words, she couldn't help but blush as she caught Jeremiah watching her with a strange expression. "Hi, Miah!" she said in a low voice. "I didn't notice you were here," she lied and then added, "You know, we miss you at school."

The boy snorted scornfully at the mere mention of school and added, "Well, I for sure don't." He hadn't felt happier than the day he had walked out of the schoolhouse for the last time. Working on the ranch alongside his brother-in-law and Buck was hard and tiring, but he'd take the most exhausting day on the ranch any day rather than spend a single hour at school. He loved horses and animals, and adored working with them. Besides, having a regular job and a salary made him feel like an adult. Lou had even stopped treating him like a child now, which was what had irritated him most about his sister.

"There's gonna be an autumn festival at the school next month and Mrs. Dunne told us the old pupils were welcome to join us," Penny explained, dropping the hint that she wouldn't be unhappy to see her best friend's brother at their little party, but rather the opposite.

"Well, I don't think I can go to that baby party," Jeremiah sneered unkindly, almost laughing at the idea of finding himself in the company of a bunch of little kids at a silly function. Even if he could go, he'd rather be riddled by Indian arrows than spend time in childish fun. Kid had told him they could go to a cattle market in Saint Joseph together since Buck couldn't come with him this time. It would be the first time the boy would spend a few days away on a business trip and he couldn't wait for that.

"Oh..." Penny let out in obvious disappointment. She was about to say something else, but in that moment the peals of the school bell reached their ears, which meant that they should hurry up.

"Come on, Penny. We're gonna be late!" Theresa exclaimed.

Jeremiah handed his younger sister her books and slate which he had been carrying, and with a few words of good-bye, both girls dashed towards the schoolhouse. Louise smiled mischievously as she saw her brother's eyes staring at the fleeting figures of the two girls. "Miah, you should've been nicer to her," she said as she took the position Theresa had hogged before and started to walk, pushing the carriage along.

"I was nice!" the boy defended himself.

"It didn't sound that way from where I stood."

"And well... what if I wasn't? She's just a silly little girl who irritates me!" Jeremiah replied with an indifferent tone.

"She's not so little. She's just a year younger than you, Mister," Lou reminded him and lowering her voice, she added, "and you know she likes you." Jeremiah blushed as he shrugged his shoulders. His surprised eyes turned to his sister as he heard her say, "And you like her too."

"What the heck are you talking about?"

Louise smiled, not caring about the unkind tone in her brother's voice. "Miah, I wasn't born yesterday. I've seen the way you look at her and honey, you're so obvious. You use any excuse to get into the house when she comes visiting. Last time you popped in for a glass of water five times. You can act as detached as you want but you won't fool me, little brother."

Jeremiah pulled an unhappy face. "I didn't know you kept such a close eye on me ... If you do this to me, I don't want to imagine what you do to poor Kid! I wouldn't want to be in his shoes."

Louise ignored the criticism in her brother's comment and added, "Jeremiah, honey, we're just talking. I think it's very sweet."

Sweet wasn't something the boy liked to be called, and he especially hated that his sister could read him like an open book. "What's this, Lou? Your new hobby? Match-making? Don't you have enough with mothering and being a wife yourself?"

"Miah, I just want you and Tessie to be happy, that's all," Louise replied. "Like Tessie said, you and Penny are both still too young to think about courting, but you can be friends. And if you like her... really like her, you aren't doing yourself any favors by making her think she's just a child to you."

Jeremiah considered his sister's words seriously. The truth was that he liked Penny, but it was too embarrassing to admit it, even to himself. Even though he kept repeating to himself that Penny wasn't anything special, just a child, he couldn't help but feel funny whenever he saw her. Actually, he had liked her since the day he had started school in Rock Creek two years ago. He remembered how he had been taken by her perfect red plaited hair, her freckles, her goofy smile and her sparkling, lively eyes. She was different from any other girl he ever knew, or any other person, for that matter. Of course Jeremiah had never breathed a word of this to anybody, but it seemed elder sisters had a way of knowing things. "I guess you're right."

Louise smiled even more brightly on hearing her brother's admission, and added, "I think she's a lovely girl."

Jeremiah felt his cheeks blush even hotter and turning his red face to Lou, he finally said, "She is pretty, isn't she?" Lou let out a happy giggle and both siblings ended up laughing together as they continued their way towards Tompkins' store.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Four**

_October 1863_

It had been a long day, and Lou felt her eyelids drooping as she nursed Jed in a rocking chair by the parlor window, basking in the warmth from the fireplace. She relaxed and felt the milk being drawn out of her, relieving the pressure that built between feedings and leaving her feeling sleepy, as usual; and she had to fight to stay awake. She'd been foolish, spending the previous night making love to Kid before he went away to Cottonwood for the cattle sale. Jed had slept through the night for the first time in his life, and a smart woman would have tried to take advantage and get some rest. She smiled to herself, remembering that she had, after all, taken advantage of the quiet night in a different way, much to both her and Kid's delight.

She glanced down, and was surprised that Jed was dozing again. Ever the worried mother, she frowned. Could he be coming down with something? She pressed her lips cautiously to his little forehead. No fever; he was breathing fine. She laid him gently in the little Moses basket on the floor, and knelt watching him a moment as she fastened her blouse's buttons. Well, this was a change; he was down for the count again, it looked like. She recalled Dr. Harris saying that often, colic passed suddenly in babies at about three months . . . did she dare hope? The peaceful look on Jed's cherubic face certainly was encouraging.

Stretching her back, she pondered her options. She had promised Kid to try to get some rest while he was away, not to try to do too much. Jeremiah had gone with Kid to Cottonwood and Theresa was sleeping over at Penny's tonight, so she didn't have to cook dinner. She had some leftover stew heating on the stove for herself, which was lucky. She was dreadfully far behind in her canning, and there was ironing to catch up on as well. Knowing she should sleep now that she had a chance, still, she wavered, trying to make up her mind what to do first. She decided on the ironing, and set her basket of neatly folded laundry on the table, Kid's shirts on the bottom of the pile, and her own dainty Sunday handkerchief at the very top, embroidered with "L Mc C". She started rummaging through the basket when a tap came at her door. Looking out the kitchen window, she saw dimly by the light from the kitchen lamp that it was a beggar woman in tattered clothes, with gray hair poking out from under the heavy black shawl she had drawn over her face, leaving it in shadow.

"Please, miss, can you spare some change, or a bite to eat?" the woman pleaded in a strange accent Lou could not place. Lou sighed. The war had left so many sonless mothers and widows, many of whom could no longer make payments on homes or afford any place to stay. Probably, this woman was one of them, set adrift in an unfriendly world. Pitying her on a cold and thundering night like today's, Lou opened the door and invited the woman in.

"I just had the kettle on," Lou said, pouring the woman a cup. "There's enough stew for the two of us to share, if you'd like."

"Bless you, dear," the woman said, putting her shawl back from her hair and letting it rest on her shoulders. At the sight, Lou was taken aback; the woman was not old, even though her dark hair was streaked with white, her face was unlined and her dark eyes were clear and bright. Well, Lou thought doubtfully, _she's still a beggar; maybe she lost her husband only recently and hasn't found a job yet? That must be why she draped herself all in black, of course. _While Lou dished up some stew into two bowls, she subtly looked for a wedding ring, and saw that every finger on the woman's hands was adorned by at least one bejeweled ring, and that she wore a collection of gold bangle bracelets on each wrist that jingled when she moved her hands. There were even gold coins suspended from some of the bracelets by little gold hoops, and she wore long dangling earrings as well. The woman wore a small golden bell suspended around her right upper arm under the cloak, Lou noticed when she loosened it and reached for the teacup with her right hand. There were even several long necklaces around her neck, with different pendants and coins and amulets suspended from them, some that looked like little animals or strange people; and several small bags that looked a little bit like Buck's medicine pouch. Lou frowned again. If the woman was so poor she had to beg, why didn't she sell some of her jewelry?

Though she was a little irked, Lou didn't show it. She simply placed the stew in front of the woman, sitting down opposite her warily her own meal. "My name's Louise," she said. "What's your name?"

"Madam Brigitta," the woman answered regally. Lou put the spoons out next to the dishes, and as she did so, one of the amulets caught her attention in particular. It was flattened piece of glass painted to look like an eye, and as Lou looked at it, Brigitta protectively closed her hand over it.

The woman finished the sandwich, and then plaintively asked, "Miss . . . if you could spare a little change for a poor woman . . ."

Lou's lips tightened, but she nodded and said, "Wait here, and I'll get you something." She went upstairs to get some change from her dresser drawer, and came downstairs, finding the woman standing in the parlor instead of the kitchen where she had left her. Irritated, Lou handed the woman the change and said, "I'm sorry but I'm terribly busy. If you'll excuse -"

The words died in her throat as she saw a distinctive watch chain hanging from the pocket of the woman's cloak. She had bought that chain and fob to go on Kid's watch, the one Teaspoon had given him. Furious, she grabbed at it, and sure enough, it was Kid's treasured silver watch.

"How dare you," she seethed. "Get the hell out of my house!"

* * *

After the terrifying encounter with the witch, Lou pushed the kitchen table in front of the door and cowered on the floor clutching her gun. Buck had gone to visit his brother and was not expected back tonight, and she was terrified at the thought that the woman might return; and she was even more afraid to go to sleep. Instead, she sat wakefully all night, as Jed snored softly in his basket.

In the morning, bleary-eyed from lack of sleep, she nursed a cheerful-faced Jed and shakily tried to force herself to eat something. The evil woman's curse had frightened her to the core of her being. She didn't believe in curses or magical spells, but the force and conviction the woman had uttered those enigmatic words with while trying to strangle her had terrified her.

After she choked down a biscuit and some milk, she suddenly thought of the mortgage money hidden upstairs. That woman might come back anytime, she might go upstairs and search the house … the mortgage was not due until next week, but she couldn't risk it. She hastily gathered the money from its hiding place. She ran to the barn with her gun held tightly in one hand, and the baby's basket in the other. Once in the barn, she quickly harnessed the horse and placed the basket in the buggy, slapping the reins on the horse's neck.

As she drove into town, she felt a wave of weariness assault her again, worse than before. The terrible fight had shaken her up so, much more than any of her adventures while an Express rider ever had. She realized the difference; she was a mother now, and she needed to be careful of herself for Jed's sake. He needed his mama, and the terrible fright she had when she thought the crazed woman would harm her son was not easy to forget.

Parking the buggy, she went looking for Teaspoon in his office, hoping to report the terrible woman before she caused any further trouble for her or anyone else. But she found his door locked. She sighed wearily, and headed over toward the building, lugging Jed's basket along with her. She would come back and find Teaspoon after she got rid of all this money she was carrying.

* * *

_A pair of hands, laden with rings and bracelets, worked busily, cutting a square of linen and sewing it into the shape of a person, before stuffing it with straw and wildflowers. She turned it over and regarded it with darkly flashing eyes, noting she had perfectly centered the letters . . . L Mc C . . . smiling grimly, she reached into her cloak pocket for the lock of chestnut hair, and carefully sewed it to the little doll's head, muttering darkly._

* * *

There was a line at the bank, early as it was. Lou got on the end of it, setting the basket down to rest her arms a bit. The murmuring of the clerk as he conversed with each customer, and the ticking of a large clock on the wall were the only sounds, so soothing they almost were putting her to sleep standing up. She stretched and widened her eyes as wide as she could, then blinked down hard several times, trying to stay alert without success.

Each time the line moved forward, she bent down to slide the basket forward a bit. She was so tired. So tired. After this, she was going to go to Rachel's and lie down and not get up for . . . well, not for a long time, until Jed needed to be fed again, she supposed, yawning and shutting her eyes for just a moment. When she opened her eyes, she dimly realized that the teller, Zeke Collins, was looking strangely at her, flickering his eyes strangely. Lou felt Zeke was trying to tell her something, but she couldn't imagine what it was.

Glancing behind her, Lou froze. The image of the wanted posters on Teaspoon's desk rose up in her mind . . . the McCall gang was here; Elijah McCall was ahead of her on the line . . . Festus McCall was standing by the door . . . and craning her neck to look outside, she recognized Gideon McCall, on his horse with two riderless horses at the ready. She swallowed hard; she had to get out of here as soon as possible, get Jed out of the way. It wouldn't do to let on she recognized the McCalls, and they hadn't seen her since she was a pony express rider. They wouldn't recognize her like this, she felt sure; all she needed to do was calmly walk out of here and take Jed someplace safe, and then alert Teaspoon what was going on.

She was bending casually as possible to get her baby's basket when Elijah caught on to Zeke's silent signals. The robber's hand came down over hers, snatching the handle and backhanding her roughly across the mouth with the muzzle of his pistol. The two other customers in the bank gasped, horrified, and Festus raised his gun menacingly to silence them.

"You in some kinda hurry, Ma'am?" Elijah sneered, holding the baby's basket aloft and training his pistol on her as she reeled on her knees on the floor in front of him, seeing stars. "Plannin' on runnin' to the Marshal's office, were you?"

"Please . . ." she said, trembling and looking up at him, blood flowing down from her split lip. Her head ached so . . . the beating the gypsy woman had given her, and now this blow, and her exhaustion combined so that everything in her vision was blurred and wobbly. "Please don't hurt my baby," she pleaded, her eyes welling up.

"Get up," Elijah spat. Pointing with the gun, he handed the baby's basket to Festus, who grinned down at the little fellow. Lou lunged toward the baby and Elijah grabbed her, hurling her bodily back across the room and into the counter roughly. He handed her the bag. "Go back behind the counter and help that teller fill them bags," he ordered.

She looked anguished at her baby; Festus had taken him out of the basket and actually had him cradled in one arm, his pistol trained at the baby's tiny chest. Her heart pounded as Zeke opened the vault and they stuffed bills into the bags frantically. Shoving them across the counter, Lou pleaded, "Give me my baby back, please, please . . ."

To her horror, Elijah just grinned, snatching up the bags. "I think we'll hold onta him for a while … don't worry, we'll drop him somewheres on the trail on the way outta town," he laughed, running out of the bank behind Festus.

A primal scream rose in Lou's throat at the sight of her baby being taken away, gurgling contentedly on Festus' arm. Flinging off Zeke's restraining hands, she raced from behind the counter and toward the door without any thought or plan in her mind other than getting to her baby.

Outside, Elijah flung the bags to Gideon, and started to mount. Once he was in his saddle, he turned and leaned over to grasp Jed by his little gown as Festus handed him up . . . just as Lou raced down the steps and hurled herself toward them.

The screams that the bank was being robbed echoed through the streets, and Teaspoon burst from Tompkins' store, where he had been haggling with Bill over the price of chewing tobacco. It was the McCall gang, they were screeching, and Teaspoon raced panting down the street at a dead run, his sidearm drawn. From across the street, he saw one of the robbers handing something up to the other . . . he couldn't quite make out what it was . . . his eyes were slightly dazed in the bright sunlight after running out of Bill's dimly lit store, and he wasn't sure . . . but he had to fire now, or never; two of them were mounted already. He hurriedly aimed for the one on the horse taking the white bundle from the one on the ground. The horse jumped suddenly just as the bullet left his chamber . . . and just as a small woman ran, arms outstretched, toward the men.

* * *

_The doll had been marked with large X's at the eyes and mouth with animal blood, but one thing remained. The wind whipped her cloak around her as Madam Brigitta held the little doll aloft and uttered a final curse, summoning all the dark forces in her power . . . before thrusting a pin through the head with a cackle of vengeful glee._

* * *

Teaspoon stood stunned, staring at the scene before him . . . at the townspeople screaming, and many of them firing after the men as they disappeared out of town ... and at baby Jed squalling furiously in the dust beside his mother's still body, her blood spreading from a wound on her head and seeping into the dirt in the road.

* * *

**Note: As you can guess, we have come to the present time in the story and filled the gaps that we left uncovered in the prologue. From now on the story will follow its course in chronological order, but the dates at the beginning of every chapter help you realize what point in time we are in. Thanks a lot to all you who read this story. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 5**

_June 1864_

Kid pressed his index finger and thumb against his forehead and massaged it for a few minutes, trying to relieve the terrible headache assaulting him. The constant migraine that he suffered every other day couldn't be absent today either and he wished he could be at home now. He hadn't slept a single night through in many months and the lack of proper rest was leaving its mark on his weary body. Despite the exhaustion he felt on a daily basis, at night he was overwhelmed by memories, pain and worries, which obviously didn't let him sleep much. He was already used to his blank nights of insomnia, but then his days felt endless and too long as he forced himself to shoulder the hard, exhausting work around the ranch.

His eyes lifted to the man standing at the altar, conducting the ceremony that would join Buck and Jenny in matrimony. The couple had initially wanted to have a wedding following Indian rites, but Tompkins almost had an attack when his daughter had dropped the hint. So to avoid problems, both Buck and Jenny agreed to get married in Rock Creek's chapel instead and, according to Tompkins, do the right thing. In any case, the couple only cared about being together whatever the circumstances, and it didn't matter how they finally managed to make their dream come true. Teaspoon was supposed to perform the ceremony, but things had changed. Teaspoon… Kid almost sighed as he thought of the old man. After what had happened that terrible day, Teaspoon had hung up his guns and left the office he had been in charge of for the last three years. In those stressful days after hearing the news, Sam Cain and Emma and the rest of the Express family had come to Rock Creek to support and help Kid in the loneliness and misery he was going through. When a forlorn Teaspoon had announced he was quitting, Sam took over for Teaspoon as the new marshal. Initially, this arrangement was intended to be temporary as the Cains planned to go back to their home, but many months had passed since then, and the family had settled down in Rock Creek, it seemed, for good.

Kid thought that it still felt strange to see Sam as a marshal in Rock Creek. In fact, his whole life was just a deformed shape of what it used to be. Everything had changed so much that sometimes he believed he was dreaming. In those days when he managed to grasp some much needed sleep, he always woke up hoping to find Lou laughing and joking as she always did… but then the silence that welcomed him was so overwhelmingly painful that he wanted to run to a dark corner and cry like a small baby.

He now watched Sam conduct Buck's wedding in the same way Teaspoon had done his and Lou's wedding three years ago, memories rushing to his mind, breaking him inside. He remembered their wedding day as if it happened just yesterday. Lou had looked so beautiful that for a moment he had even forgotten he had to breathe. Despite the war brewing in the east, the cold atmosphere in their family and the imminent end of the Express, it had been one of the happiest days of his life. Those problems had meant nothing when the woman he loved with all his heart had joined her soul to his. Now the memory only brought a deep bitterness to her heart, which almost left him in tears. Kid swallowed, trying hard to suffocate the pain that consumed him. As he shushed the memories away, the words that Sam was uttering at that moment managed to get through his foggy mind.

"If any of you has reasons why this woman and this man should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."

The room remained quiet as all heads, even the bride's and the groom's, turned to check in jest whether somebody would speak. Nobody dared to fix their gaze on Tompkins, but in fact, everybody was actually curious to see whether he would consent to the marriage of his only daughter to an Indian in the end. Tompkins harrumphed and shifted in his seat, but kept silent, and the eyes of the congregation returned to Sam and the couple.

Kid also swept his eyes round the room, noticing almost for the first time the presence of all his friends in the place. In the pew opposite his, Jed sat on Rachel's lap. His son was already ten months old and the only joy in his miserable life. Kid smiled sadly in his direction and when the toddler noticed his pa, he started fidgeting, nervously moving his arms and in the process tangling Rachel's blonde hair in his chubby fingers. Kid silently chuckled when his friend almost let out a yelp as the boy tugged at her hair, and then she tried to rescue her golden ringlets from the baby's hand and tried to calm him down.

Next to them sat Emma and her two children. Her eldest daughter was three and stared at her father at the front with obvious pride. In Emma's arms lay her youngest child, a baby that had been born four months ago, and who was the spitting image of his father. In the pew behind them, Kid caught a glimpse of Jeremiah. The youngster had taken the past events very hard, and today was the first time the boy allowed himself to come to town other than for shopping or sorting out matters of the ranch. Otherwise, Jeremiah lived only for work and his family, much like Kid himself. Kid was glad that at least he had a special friend in Penny, who with special charm was helping him to get out of the shell that Jeremiah had voluntarily shut himself away in.

In the same pew sat Jimmy and Cody who had come especially for the wedding. Kid hadn't seen them for months. They had come to Rock Creek when Buck had sent word of what had happened. Kid didn't know how they had managed to get a leave from the army then, and he hadn't bothered to ask them. In those days following the tragic incident, Kid had been so shattered that he hadn't cared about anything or anybody. Things hadn't changed much in his mood and the presence of his two friends today left him totally indifferent.

Sam had resumed the ceremony after that brief lapse when suddenly the door of the chapel opened raucously and a slurred, thick voice interrupted the moment, rising above Sam's. "What's this? All my boys together... and without me?" His eyes noticed Buck, standing at the front of the chapel, smartly dressed in a suit and next to Jenny, and he added, "So Buck... did you finally snare that ol' geezer Tompkins' daughter?"

Kid's eyes like everybody else's shifted to the back of the chapel. They all saw Teaspoon stagger and almost stumble against one of the last pews. His dusty, torn clothes and the bottle brandished in his right hand left no doubts about where he had been since last night. Before Teaspoon could cause any more ruckus, Jimmy reacted quickly and managed to steer him out of the place, which was easier said than done since Teaspoon put up a fight before he finally walked out with Jimmy.

After a few minutes, Sam continued with the ceremony, but Teaspoon's brief appearance had left everybody with an uneasy sensation. Kid especially felt unable to focus on the wedding. Seeing Teaspoon in that state was just incredible. Who would have thought Teaspoon would be reduced to a shadow of himself in less than a year? But it was so. Teaspoon had assumed all the blame and guilt for shooting Louise, and that heavy burden had made him turn to drink for comfort or forgetting his demons. More than once, he had disappeared from town for a few days and then he showed up in a pitiful state, dirty, drunk and smelling like hell. Once, Dr. Harris even had to patch up wounds and broken bones in his body when somebody had obviously beaten him to a pulp. But the damage to his body was nothing compared to the pain and despair in his soul. Everybody had tried to talk to him to no avail. Emma and Rachel were worried sick and Sam and Buck had used everything they could come up with to make him get off the track the former marshal had chosen to follow lately, but every attempt had been useless.

Kid was the only one who had kept aside. He knew that all his friends wished he could talk to Teaspoon even though they hadn't said so in so many words, given the circumstances. Kid didn't blame Teaspoon for what had happened... at least not anymore. At first, he had been furious... livid... as he had felt the need to vent his frustration and pain against somebody or something. Though involuntarily, Teaspoon still had snatched the life of the person Kid built his own life around, and he would be a hypocrite if he didn't admit to himself that he had been totally broken about it because that was the truth. However, as time went by, the fury Kid had felt had turned into deep grief and bitterness. He came to realize that Teaspoon wasn't to blame any more than Lou for going to the bank that afternoon... than himself for having been away that day. It was a freak accident when Teaspoon was trying to do his job. Kid didn't hold a grudge against him, but he just couldn't bring himself to talk to him. What could he possibly say to him? He just couldn't smile and tell him that everything was fine because nothing was fine... nothing. Teaspoon knew that as well as he did. It hurt Kid to see the man he considered a father sink down in the grave that he seemed eager to bury his dead soul if not his body, but right now there was nothing he could do. He was busy trying to keep his own soul from dying, for his son's sake, and it was a full-time job.

Kid's thoughts kept him so distracted that when his mind decided to go back to the living world he realized that he was sitting on his own in the chapel. Looking back towards the door, he saw Jenny and Buck receiving hugs and kisses from those who had come to join them in their special day. Kid remained there, watching them smile and laugh. They looked so happy and for a brief second Kid felt the anger boiling inside him at their display of obvious joy. He immediately chastised himself for his selfish reaction; it was nobody's fault that his life had become a dark and empty landscape and if his best friend and partner was happy with the woman he loved, he should be the first one to share his joy. That joy took nothing from him and it was wrong to begrudge it of Jenny and Buck.

Kid rose to his feet and made his way out of the chapel with slow steps. He came behind the newlyweds and said in a husky voice, "Congratulations."

Both groom and bride turned around and when they realized who was talking, their smiling faces turned serious and grave instantly. "Thank you, Kid," Jenny replied a bit uncomfortably.

"You really look beautiful," Kid managed to say as brightly as possible. He gave the girl a peck on her cheek and shook hands with Buck. "You know, Lou would have loved to be here today."

"Kid, this isn't the way we planned our wedding day to be," Buck replied.

"We miss her."

"Yeah," Kid agreed to the blonde girl's words, "we all do. Life isn't fair, is it?" Kid let out a sigh and noticing Buck's grave countenance and Jenny's glazed eyes, he added, "But please erase the sadness today. This is your day and you have to enjoy it. Do it for her. You know she would give us an earful if she saw our faces now."

His comment managed to place a little smile in their lips, but they were left with a sour sensation in the pit of their stomachs. Kid breathed in deeply as he felt he was about to crumble down if he stayed here a single more minute. He took his leave from his friends and scanning the people gathered in front of the chapel, he finally located his son in Rachel's arms.

The baby squealed and stretched his arms to his father as soon as he caught sight of him. Kid took his son from Rachel and forcing a smile on his lips, he said, "Have you been good to Auntie Rachel, Jed?"

"As good as an angel," the blonde woman replied with a smile.

"Ready to go home then, buddy?" Kid continued, addressing his son even though the little boy was more interested in playing with the buttons of his father's suit jacket.

"Kid, can't you leave him with us for the wedding reception?"

The young man shook his head. "I don't think it's a good idea. He needs his nap, and besides, I want Theresa to have a break from him today. If Jed's here, she'll feel it's her responsibility to look after him. She needs to have some fun for a change or at least enjoy a relaxing day."

Rachel nodded in agreement. "Speaking of Tessie, has she talked to you?"

"About what?"

"School."

Kid frowned in concern. "Why? Is there a problem?" Theresa had always been a bright student, but maybe the situation at home was affecting her more than Kid had expected. The young man admitted that with everything happening, he hadn't paid enough attention to his sister-in-law.

"Oh nothing like that!" Rachel quickly replied. "Rather the opposite! She's my best student by far, and well, I talked to her into trying a scholarship in a very well-regarded girls' school in Saint Joseph. She was very reluctant but I managed to persuade her. She won the scholarship, but now she says she can't accept it. She keeps saying that she can't leave Rock Creek because you and Jed need her… and the way things are… well… you know."

Kid nodded sadly. Theresa had been a major support in these eight months, helping him with Jed and… everything else; but he couldn't allow her to sacrifice such an opportunity. "Lou always wanted her little sister to have a good education. We even started saving some money for that," Kid said thoughtfully. "I'll talk to her."

"Thank you, Kid," Rachel replied. As Kid slowly walked to his buckboard, carrying his son, Rachel kept staring after him. Her heart broke in a million pieces whenever she saw him. Kid was always so sad even though he put on a strong face for his son, the only thing that kept him sane. The worst still had to come, and Rachel wasn't sure how he was going to handle it when the time came. It seemed as if the young family had been cursed, and it simply wasn't fair, she mourned.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 6**

_June 1864_

Kid opened the door to the house, calling, "Tessie?" He heard the telltale sound of girlish giggling and prattling from the parlor, and went to open the door.

Tessie and Penny were sitting expectantly on the settee, both in their starched and ruffled Sunday best. Penny had agreed to wait with Tessie and keep her company until Kid came home with Jed. Seeing the baby, the two girls rushed up, chattering to Kid and each other, and cooing and baby-talking to Jed, so he couldn't get a word in edgewise. They were about to hurry off to the wedding when Kid stopped Tessie. "Before you go, there's something we need to talk about, young lady."

"Do you want me to stay with him and go back?" Tessie said, hesitantly. She had wanted to go and show off her new dress and have a little fun, but . . .

"No. It's about something else. Rachel told me that you won a scholarship to a girls' school in St. Joseph."

"You _did_?" Penny asked, delightedly, before a frown crossed her pretty face. "Why didn't you tell me? And . . . this means you're leaving?"

Theresa sighed, twirling a friendship bracelet, a gift from Penny, on her wrist. Looking back and forth at the others, she said defensively, "I didn't tell either of you because I don't intend to go. I only wanted to see how I would do, and Rachel was so insistent. Of course it's impossible."

Kid shook his head wearily. "Honey, you've been a big help around here ever since Lou was shot. But you're entitled to your own life. Lou always dreamed of you getting the education she never could. She would want you to go and do your best and make us proud."

Tessie's face turned grave and serious. "But how can I leave?" she asked quietly. "You can't work and do everything that needs to be taken care of around here."

"I was planning on hiring some extra help, anyway, we're going to need it . . . I'll miss you and so will Jed, but I am going to have to insist. There's no limit to what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it, with an education like that. We can talk about it more tomorrow morning, but I'd like you to tell Rachel you're going to take the scholarship and ask her about the details when you see her. Promise?"

The little girl nodded, wiping away tears and hugging him.

"Now get to that reception, you two, and have a great time. Penny, I think Jeremiah's getting ready to write his name on every line on your dance card… better not leave him waiting and don't forget to bring me and Jed a little cake, okay, Tessie?"

"Okay," Tessie sniffled, looking apprehensively at Penny, who was clouding up with tears over her best friend leaving, even if it wouldn't be until the fall. The pair of best friends looked more subdued than when Kid had entered, but as he watched from the window, they soon perked up and began running like the little girls they still were in some ways toward the reception hall.

Kid smiled a little in spite of everything at their childish spirit. At that age, life went on despite the great tragedies of life; it had been the same for him when he was young and lost his father, his mother, and his brother. The hearts of the very young healed quicker, he supposed. He placed Jed in his high chair and got the warm, runny cereal that Tessie had left warming on the edge of the stove, a large batch, and spooned some into a bowl for his boy.

Drawing a chair over to Jed, he took a little cereal on the spoon and held it out to Jed. The boy wrinkled his nose and turned away his face just as the spoon reached his little mouth, leaving a trail on his cheek. Kid sighed and turned to take a clean cloth from the table, as Jed laughed and swatted the bowl, left precariously on the high chair tray, onto the clean floor. The baby shrieked with delight at the game, which never seemed to lose its charm no matter how many times he played it; and Kid had to laugh with him, bending down to clean up the mess. He finished feeding the baby, getting nearly as much into Jed's mouth as he did onto his clothes and the floor. He glanced around the kitchen wearily, but left it for later, seeing that Jed was sleepy. He carried the little fellow, drowsily draped over his shoulder, to his nursery and laid him down, covering him and tiptoeing out.

Going back down to the kitchen, he scraped the remainder of the warm, runny cereal into a bowl, poured a cupful of milk and placed them with a spoon on a tray, heading upstairs. The door to the bedroom was ajar and he pushed through with his shoulder, setting the tray on the bed table.

"You should have seen Tompkins' face today when he gained a Kiowa for a son," he said, automatically, as he sat down and picked up the spoon. "But Jenny and Buck are really happy. That's all that counts, I guess." He trailed off, feeling a bit foolish as usual, talking away in an endless monologue. He reached over and slipped the spoon inside her slack lips, and watched as she reflexively swallowed the tasteless mush her son had rejected playfully. He kept feeding her the cereal, holding a napkin under her chin to catch the inevitable drooling mess, and tried to keep talking, keep treating her like a person instead of an empty shell. Her eyes were half open, but glazed and unseeing. It took nearly half an hour to get her to eat as much as Jed had gulped down in a few minutes, and to pour some milk down her throat from the spoon. She could only manage a few drops without choking and spluttering, or vomiting it back when it went down the wrong pipe.

"That was a good job, sweetheart," he said, finally. He put the spoon in the bowl and leaned over to take the pillows away from her close-shorn head. The short hair reminded him sometimes of how she looked when they rode for the express, but only that similarity remained. The eyes that had sparkled and flirted, or snapped and blazed in anger, or spoken to him even without words, were blank the little time they were even open now. Her mouth lolled open, and her lips and mouth were dry. The busy hands now lay still, her arms painfully thin and clenched at an odd angle. He lowered her to the bed carefully, rolling her to her side as the doctor had advised him to change her position frequently to avoid bed sores. He propped her back with pillows to keep her from rolling back onto her back.

"I'll be back in a little while to put you on your other side, honey," he whispered, pulling the sheet down and her nightgown up, and checking her diaper. He was grateful that she was clean and dry for the time being. As he glanced at her grotesquely swollen belly above the jutting bones of her hips and the frail legs, he saw the baby move inside her. She was so thin the baby's every movement was visible now, at eight months. He laid a hand over her belly and felt the weak fluttering inside. The doctor was astonished that Lou had survived this long in her unresponsive state. Months after she "went to sleep", they had learned unexpectedly that Lou had become pregnant a second time, from that last beautiful night in each other's arms just before her accident; but the news of the miracle was more bitter than sweet. Dr. Harris had shaken his head gravely.

"_Neither of them can survive delivery, if she even lasts that long,"_ Dr. Harris had said bluntly. The doctor had written to a colleague back in Boston for advice on how to handle the delivery if necessary, and Lou had somehow hung on despite the terrible toll the pregnancy was taking on her strength in her weakened state. The forceps he had used in Jed's birth could be used again, and perhaps the little one might survive her mother now . . . the pregnancy had progressed much longer than anyone had expected. But Kid knew that with every day that went by, while he was closer to meeting his second child . . . he was that much closer to saying goodbye to Lou for all time . . . and the day he would have to bury the suffering body her spirit had seemed to vacate months ago. And in spite of having lost her for all intents and purposes already, and in spite of the fact he knew Lou would never choose to live this way . . . his heart broke at that knowledge.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 7**

_July 1864_

Drawn and worried faces kept exchanging anxious and meaningful looks as the minutes dragged by without news. The living room was in silence despite being packed with the six people settled there. The only sounds that could be heard in the eerie quietness were Theresa's sniffs and contained sobs. That very morning as the young girl was helping Kid with her sister, they had noticed that the sheets and the bedding were soaking wet. Her water had broken and on touching her belly, Theresa had even felt how the baby was pressing against her skin strongly. Despite the contractions that were surely racking her body, Lou looked the same as she had for the last nine months, peaceful and still.

Kid had quickly sent Buck for the doctor and the news had spread, which had brought Emma, Sam, Rachel and even Penny to the ranch. Jenny had taken Jed home with her and when Dr. Harris had arrived, he had requested to have Kid and one woman during Lou's labor. Rachel had volunteered to follow Kid and the physician upstairs while the rest remained in the living room, anxiously waiting for the outcome.

Theresa couldn't stop the tears that had started to flow from her eyes that very morning. Everybody knew that in all probability, labor would kill Louise and the baby. Even though Lou had been just a lifeless form for many months now, Theresa couldn't think of her dying without terrible pain. The girl had to bear the comments of the other children at school, who said that her sister would be better off if she died. She had almost got into a couple of fights, which was unusual for a calm person like her. She didn't want Lou to die... all she wished was for her sister to wake up and be with her husband, Jed and the new baby. Naturally, everybody said that would never happen and she now needed to steel herself for the worse.

Upstairs in the bedroom, the mood wasn't much brighter. Following the doctor's instructions, Kid had placed himself against the headboard, holding Lou's limp body in much the same way as he had done barely a year ago when their son was born. The situation, though, was so different from that day. Even though he had been scared and worried then, that fear couldn't be compared to what he was feeling now. He was terrified and clutched onto Lou's body strongly as if his own strength and desires were enough to make her cling to this life. He kept his mouth pressed against her temple as he repeated over and over again as if in a mantra how much he loved her.

The doctor and Rachel stood at the other end of the bed, checking the progress of the baby. Kid's eyes widened in horror as he saw Dr. Harris take out the huge forceps that he would use to help the baby to be born. The young man was shocked by the size of the tool and felt unable to stand the sight of the shiny, massive tongs in contrast with the small, weak frame of his wife. He closed his eyes, thinking that huge thing would break Lou inside or smash the baby's frail skull. If the delivery didn't kill them both, those large forceps would do it. With his eyes shut, he clasped his arms around Lou's waist. The tears burned his eyes and as he couldn't hold them back any longer, they finally managed to slip from under his closed lids down his face. He could feel the strong tugs that Lou's body was suffering and he prayed to God that everything finished soon. He didn't know if in her state Louise could feel the pain or anything, and for the first time he wished that her body were indeed as insensitive as it looked, because thinking that she might be suffering was simply beyond his endurance. The feelings of guilt were coursing over him stronger than ever. Once again he had put her in a terrible spot and thanks to him, she was going to die now... all because of him, because of carrying his baby.

The voices of Rachel and the doctor were so low that he couldn't make out what they were saying, but Kid could perceive the alarm and caution in them. Suddenly, the soft murmur of their voices died and the room turned eerily silent. Still with his eyes closed, Kid held his breath while wiping his tears with his free hand. The strong pulls he had noticed in Lou's body had ceased and Kid felt tempted to open his eyes, but he was scared stiff of what he might find. Suddenly, an energetic wail resounded in the room and Kid's eyes shot open to see Rachel holding a small bundle in her arms.

"Kid, you have a baby daughter," Rachel announced with a bright smile as she came closer to him. The woman moved back the blanket the baby was wrapped in and bend her body lower to let Kid have a better look at the newborn. Kid was speechless as his eyes fell on his daughter for the first time. She was a very tiny and thin baby, her skin was all wrinkled and her head was oddly shaped with the marks of the forceps branded on both sides of her small face. Kid couldn't say she was a pretty baby, not in the same way Jed had been, but for him she was the most beautiful girl in the whole world, and he loved her already with all his heart.

His eyes turned to the still figure of his wife, still sprawled against him, and he managed to say when he was able to find his own voice, "Lou, look at her. Isn't she beautiful? As beautiful as you. Who would've thought it! Remember when we thought we wouldn't have children? And here we are two years later and with two lovely babies. Come on, honey. Open your eyes and say hello to your daughter."

For one moment he actually thought that she would respond to his plea but Louise remained as still and lifeless as she had been for the last nine months. Her head lay limply against his shoulder and Kid simply placed a soft kiss on her chestnut hair. The moment was interrupted as somebody cleared their throat to draw attention. Kid lifted his eyes to find Dr. Harris looking at him from his position next to the dresser, where he had been washing his hands in the washbowl. "Mr. McCloud," the physician said as he wiped his hands on a white towel, "you shouldn't be too hopeful. The baby's too weak and small, and there's a high probability she won't last the night."

Kid tensed after the doctor's words. He had been so taken by the baby that he hadn't considered that his daughter might die after all. Suddenly, fear gripped at his heart as he looked down at Lou's figure, still in his arms. "How... how's my wife?"

"She's lost a lot of blood... and well, all we could do now is to pray for both mother and child," the doctor muttered. "Let's hope she won't run a fever... otherwise..."

Instinctively, Kid pressed his lips against Lou's forehead, relieved that her temperature wasn't higher than usual. Yet, her breathing sounded somehow strange and different, and her skin looked whiter and felt colder than usual. While the doctor quietly slipped out of the door, the young father shared a worried look with Rachel. The baby now lay in the crib and Rachel helped Kid to settle Lou in the bed comfortably. They covered her with clean sheets after changing her into fresh clothes. Kid's worried eyes never left her still body and Rachel had to call him three times to finally get his attention.

"Do you have a name for the baby, Kid?"

Kid kept thoughtful for a few seconds and then said, "Louisa. I want to name her after her mother... but Lou... my Lou is unique, there's no other Louise for me. And this baby will be my only Louisa."

"It's a good name," Rachel replied with a tiny, sad smile. "Lou would be proud." She stopped briefly and started towards the door.

"Thanks, Rachel," he muttered and when the door closed behind the blonde woman, Kid sank down on the rocking chair, burying his face in his hands. This was going to be a very long night and he didn't even know to pray anymore. The last occurrences in his life had made him a skeptic and a pessimist. He used to think that there was a positive side to everything, but right now all he saw was darkness and despair in front of his eyes. What was the point of all this suffering? Why had God let the baby to be born if he was going to snatch her off him so soon? Why was he doing this to Lou... to their family? Why? Why? He wanted his wife back... they were good people, they had never harmed anybody and all they had ever wanted was to live in peace. What the hell had they done to deserve this cruel punishment? What was the sense of all this? What?

Kid wanted to clamor to God and vent his frustration against Heaven. A sigh escaped his mouth and as he stared at his wife, despite everything, his lips moved as an old prayer came out of his sore and husky throat.

* * *

_August 1864_

A dainty, delicate hand picked up the teaspoon and stirred the sugar she had poured in her tea. She took a sip of the hot liquid and as she put back the china cup on the saucer, she said, "Thanks for the drink, Mr. McCloud."

Kid nodded in acknowledgment as his eyes studied the young lady who sat opposite him in his living room. She was a young, slim woman, with graceful features and a pretty face. Her hair, put up in a neat chignon, was so blonde that it seemed almost white, and her blue eyes looked at everything with deep intensity. "Mrs. Mortimer..."

"Please call me Natalie."

"Uh... Natalie, you should know the person who accepts this job needs to be ready to work hard," Kid explained.

"I don't mind how hard. I'm not afraid of physical work, and I do need this job," the young woman replied.

"Have you looked after children before?" Kid asked.

Natalie nodded, "As you can see in my reference letters, I was employed as a governess for the Smithsons in Denver... for a couple of years... just before I got married," the woman paused briefly and then added, "I understand you have a small son."

"I have two children," Kid corrected her. "Jed has just turned one and my Louisa was born a month ago." A little smile briefly glowed on his lips as he thought of his miracle baby girl. The doctor had been very sure that she wouldn't survive past the first night. Yet, day after day had passed and the baby had stubbornly held to life, to everybody's joy. She was a frail child, colicky and weepy, but that didn't matter as long as she was alive.

"They must be two little angels," Natalie remarked with a sad smile. Talking about children sent a painful stab straight to her heart. She had lost the baby she had been expecting not long ago, and she was still mourning for that child that had never had the chance to see the sun or the stars in the sky.

"Yes, they are," Kid agreed, his voice tinged with a mixture of pride and melancholy. "They are actually a lot of work... especially for just one person."

"Your wife?" the blonde woman asked, tentatively, wondering why the lady of the house wasn't dealing with the business of hiring domestic help.

"My wife is sick and can't look after the children," Kid replied tensely. "My sister-in-law has been helping me to take care of them, but she's leaving for Saint Joseph next month. I also have the help of a few friends, but it's getting more and more complicated when everybody has their own responsibilities. That's why I need somebody to look after my babies during the day. We're settled for the night. My children's aunts take turns having my youngest at night while Jed stays with me." Kid paused briefly and continued after a second. "Part of this job also involves helping in the care of my wife. She had an accident about a year ago and has been in a lethargic state since then."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. McCloud."

"Well, that's the way things are," Kid replied wearily. The colicky newborn was difficult, and with working all day, he was exhausted after only a month, and his nerves were badly frayed. "Until she gets better, I'll be needing extra help with my family. Uh... Natalie, as I told you, it's not a piece of cake... it's hard work. I'm ready to pay good money but it's important for me to be sure that the person I'm going to trust my family with is reliable, honest and unafraid of work."

"I understand that, sir. You can be sure that I'll take care of your family as if it were my own."

Kid had a look at the couple of reference letters that the lady had handed him on arrival. "I see that you were a volunteer in a war hospital."

Natalie nodded. "Things are terrible... so much that it's impossible to describe. Our men are getting killed and crippled by hundreds. We women need to do our part in repairing the harm this war is inflicting on both sides."

"That's very commendable," Kid remarked with genuine admiration. His decision to stay at home and not to fight had sometimes weighed on his conscience. Lou had always been very supportive and understanding on those occasions that he had felt low as depressing news of the South had reached them. Since Lou had suffered her "accident", Kid had often wondered whether things would have turned out differently if he had gone off to fight. Those were useless and stupid thoughts. What had happened to Lou didn't have anything to do with his decisions but one thing was sure. His two children wouldn't exist now if he had been fighting all these years.

"Thank you," Natalie replied, blushing at his comments. "I left and came west when I couldn't stand death and misery any longer." Natalie skillfully omitted the real reason why she had made that decision. She had lost the baby she had been expecting and when she had learned that she'd never be able to become a mother, she had felt the world crumbling down at her feet. She then decided to leave everything that reminded her of her poor, barren life. She plastered a big smile on her face and tried to shush the bad thoughts away. "I want a new start in a fresh place."

"And your husband?"

"He was one of the thousands dying in action," she replied with glowing pride showing in her eyes. Last time she had seen him had been just a month before she had received the shattering telegram that informed her of his death. Frank had never learned that she'd been pregnant, which had always saddened her. She had lost the baby but if he had died thinking that he was going to be a father, maybe the thought would have comforted him in his last moments.

"I'm sorry."

"Thanks," Natalie replied in a soft tone.

They remained in uncomfortable silence and after a couple of minutes Kid asked, "So, Natalie, I guess you can have a couple of days to consider my offer before you let me know your decision."

"I have nothing to think about," Natalie stated firmly. "I'd like to accept the job... that is... if you want me."

"Good then," Kid replied and rising to his feet, he added, "If you follow me, I'll show you around the house and you can see the children."

"That will be lovely," Natalie exclaimed after taking the last sip of her tea, and as she proceeded to follow Kid up the stairs, she said, "I don't know why, Mr. McCloud, but I have the feeling we're gonna get on very well."

Kid stopped briefly and looked at her smiling face. The young man simply nodded, keeping a serious expression and without a single word, he continued climbing the stairs.

* * *

_September 1864_

Theresa sat on the edge of her bed as she clung her reticule against her body in anxiety. Her eyes traveled around her bedroom, fixed in every detail and object. This had been the first place she had been able to call her own and she loved it with all her heart. At the orphanage she had to share a big dormitory with a bunch of girls and before that, she didn't remember much of her younger days when her mother had been alive. It was after coming to Rock Creek that she had been able to sleep in a room of her own, but today she had to say goodbye... not only to her precious room, but to the first place she had felt as a true home. Of course she'd be back for the holidays but it wouldn't be the same. In St Joseph she'd stay at some kind of students' home and once again she'd have to lose her privacy and sleep in a dormitory with other girls.

Theresa kept looking around the bedroom as if she were seeing it for the first time. When she had come to live here, the room only had a bed and a wardrobe, but little by little Louise had turned it into a comfortable space. Theresa could remember the dozens of times that her sister had bought or ordered something at Tompkins' for her bedroom. Every single detail reminded her of all the good times they had spent together. Her eyes then fell on her old doll. It had been her only doll for years, but now she completed a collection of toys that Theresa had received over the years.

Theresa stretched her hands towards her old doll, which lay on top of the pillows on her bed. She held it in front of her and smiled sadly. Miss Annabel Mumblepuss had lost the shine of its china skin, one of her eyes was almost translucent and the top of her head had several hairless patches, which Theresa had tried to hide by placing a hood that she had made. The doll was definitely becoming an ugly thing, but for Theresa it was her most treasured possession.

Despite her young age at the time, she remembered the day Louise had given her Miss Annabelle. That had been followed by five years in which they had heard no word from their older sister, but in her young heart Theresa had always hoped that Louise would come for them. Her doll had been a piece that had joined her to her sister wherever she was back then, and when Lou had finally made her appearance, the doll had been the element joining them together again. Yeah, Miss Annabelle was a special doll in her family history and Theresa had thought that she'd like to pass the doll to her niece one day. Theresa hoped that Louisa would be as fond of her ma's dear doll as she herself had been. It was a shame that her treasure was decaying and Tessie very much feared that by the time little Louisa was old enough, Miss Annabelle would be too tatty and horrible.

"Ready to go, Tessie?" Kid called as he popped his head through the door. "Buck has loaded the carriage with your bags already." Buck had volunteered to drive Theresa to Saint Jo. Kid didn't feel comfortable wit the idea of Tessie traveling in the stagecoach by herself, but logically he just couldn't leave the ranch. So when Buck had offered to take her to the city, Kid had felt an immense sense of relief.

Since Theresa remained quiet and simply kept looking at the doll on her lap, Kid grew concerned and stepped into the room. "Something wrong, Sugar Bear?" he asked, using the nickname that Louise had for her sister.

"No, nothing," Theresa replied, rising to her feet and still holding the doll. After a brief lapse, she whispered, "There's still something I need to do." Kid frowned and Theresa elaborated, "I need to tell her goodbye."

Kid exhaled a sigh and resting a hand on the girl's shoulder, he added, "Tessie, honey, you said your goodbye yesterday, and the day before and the one before that." This last week was proving too hard for Theresa and whenever she got into Lou's bedroom, she got so distraught, sobbing uncontrollably, that Kid practically had to drag her out of there. Despite her behavior and mature ways for the last ten months, Kid had to remind himself that Theresa was just a thirteen-year-old girl, and it didn't do her any good to get too worked up. "Honey, there's no need for anything else. We can't have you get upset today and you know you'll be back for Christmas anyway."

"Kid, I can't just leave without seeing my sister! What if...?" Her voice faltered, unable to utter those terrible words. Even though Lou had been in the same condition for many months, the doctor had warned them that her health was very delicate and a simple cold might kill her. Theresa resisted believing that; her sister had gone through a risky pregnancy and labor and here she was... alive. The girl wanted to believe that Dr. Harris was mistaken and one day she'll wake up and things will be back to the way they had been... to the way they should be.

"Tessie, your sister will be fine... she's a strong woman," Kid replied with obvious bitterness. "Nobody is stronger than her... but if you want to say a final goodbye, I won't say no."

As soon as he granted his permission, Theresa walked out of the room and headed for the master bedroom where her sister lay. Kid followed her and stood next to the door while Theresa approached the bed. She remained in silence for a few minutes while staring at her still body. Louise was indeed a pitiful sight. The relative fleshy quality she had had during Louisa's pregnancy was gone and she was extremely thin. Due to her passive state, her diet was limited to purees and liquids. Feeding her was a real odyssey sometimes. For some unknown reason Lou had her good and bad days in that department. She usually swallowed her food nicely by instinct or whatever the reason, but on some occasions, which could last for weeks, her throat seemed to shut off and they had to force the food into her, which of course was easier said than done. The soup, puree or whatever they fed her with ended up everywhere as it flowed out of her mouth... on her clothes, on the bedding... all around her but apparently in her stomach.

It was no wonder that she was so thin, Theresa thought. Her pale skin contrasted with her now short, dark hair. The long tresses she had let grow after getting married were gone and following the doctor's instructions, Kid kept her hair short to prevent it from becoming an unhealthy, tangled mess. Everything in her was so different now and just her image moved Theresa to tears, which she tried to control now.

"Hi, Lou," the girl greeted her in a soft sad voice. "Remember I told you I'd be going today?" Theresa stopped briefly as if she'd expect her sister to answer. "I didn't want to leave without giving you a goodbye present. Well, it's not so much of a present since she always belonged to you." Theresa gently sat on the edge of the bed and holding Miss Annabelle Mumblepuss in front of her she said, "Remember her? You gave her to me when you left many years ago. Now I'm the one leaving this time and it's only right that you keep her. She will keep you company and maybe you won't miss me so much, will you?" With a sigh Theresa placed the doll next to her sister on the bed. "I love you, Lou. And I'll be thinking of you every single minute... always... I..." The tears started cascading her eyes, muffling her voice and she felt unable to continue.

Kid came to her and taking her by the hand, he said, "Let's go, Theresa."

"Please no..." she bawled.

"Let's go," he repeated as he swallowed hard as the emotion threatened to take over as well. Without sparing a single word, the girl let him steer him out of the room and close the bedroom door behind, leaving Louise in the sole company of the ugly, old doll.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 8**

_Autumn 1864_

Natalie exhaled and puffed, tired as she dragged the two big laundry baskets to the backyard. A few tendrils of her blonde hair had escaped her neat bun and as she finally stood before the clothesline, Natalie removed them from her forehead with a swift motion of her hand. Her blue eyes looked at the two piles of clothes that she had been washing for the last two hours and she frowned. Her hands ached from being in hot water and lye so much. Sheets, drawers, nightgowns, towels... for a woman who was more dead than alive, Louise McCloud created as much laundry as her husband and her two babies together. Mr. McCloud had been right when he had said that she would be up to some hard work.

Looking after the little boy was no problem at all. He was so cheerful and so cute that Natalie would take care of him for free. His sister, though, was a completely different story. She was continually wailing. Doctor Harris said her colic was unusually bad because the baby couldn't be nursed. No wet nurses were available near the town and even though they tried to weaken the cow milk they fed her with with water, it was still too hard on her. There was no consoling her when such a fit came on, and Natalie's nerves often were on edge from hearing the poor little one screeching all day long. Oddly, it seemed that Louisa cried more loudly and insistently when alone with her than when anyone else was around.

Natalie reflected that the difference in the children carried over to their appearances. Louisa was so thin and pale that she seemed sick. The color of her skin and the whites of her eyes were a peculiar yellow and her eyes, nose and mouth looked gigantic on her tiny, pinched face. She was so different from Jed. The boy was so beautiful that Natalie felt like cuddling and kissing him all the time. He had inherited his father's fine features. He had big, blue eyes and his hair was very much the texture of color of his pa's. From what Natalie could see, the little baby was her mother all over again except for the color of her eyes.

Distracted as she was with all these thoughts while hanging the wet clothes and bedding, Natalie didn't hear the woman approaching from behind until she spoke up. "Laundry day?"

Natalie turned around towards the voice which she recognized as Jenny's straightaway. She groaned internally as she saw Buck's wife holding the basket where Louisa lay, but her face simply showed a smile. "It's always laundry day in this house."

"Yeah, I know."

Natalie looked down at the baby, who for once was fully awake but quiet. "I thought it was Rachel's turn to have her last night," Natalie remarked.

"Yeah, but she was busy marking exams last night and asked me for this favor," Jenny explained. "I don't mind, actually. She was an angel, weren't you, Louisa?"

"Yes... an angel..." Natalie replied in a tiny voice. She paused briefly before she continued, "It's really very sad that poor woman is hanging around halfway between life and death. Of course, I suppose it's God's will, but it's hard to understand."

"Yes, it is. If only she would wake up," Jenny said. "Kid can only be happy if Lou comes back to them."

"Do you think that's gonna happen? She's been like that for over a year, hasn't she?"

"Who knows? Probably not," Jenny replied sadly.

"She's certainly got a lot of strength," Natalie remarked. "For someone so sick she holds onto life like a barnacle." Natalie almost bit her lip as she realized that she shouldn't have spoken so freely or used that comparison. She usually was a lot more discreet, and she looked quickly at Jenny to see if the girl was offended.

"Well... her spirit might not be ready to leave us yet," Jenny simply said. Feeling uncomfortable talking about Lou and her life or death with a woman who hadn't known her, she decided to leave. "Uh... Natalie, I have to go. I think I'm going to follow your lead and start with my laundry. Good day."

Natalie took the basket with the baby from Jenny after saying their goodbyes. The young bride walked away and as Natalie was left alone, she looked down into the basket and saw the baby staring up at her with her big, eerie blue eyes. Her face started to pucker and suddenly the small girl let out a deafening bawl. Natalie signed, not surprised a bit. "Louisa, are you ready to give me a hard time so early in the morning? With that attitude, you're gonna make me think you don't like me."

The baby didn't mind her words and she continued wailing while Natalie took her to the house. She'd leave the laundry for a bit later. The babies needed their breakfast first and their father would come to the house later to feed his wife and she'd give him a hand to change her into a fresh nightgown. More damn laundry, thought Natalie with an unhappy expression, rolling her eyes in meek resignation for the tiring day she had ahead.

Up in the nursery Natalie was feeding Jed his lunch a few hours later while the continuous sound of his sister's loud wails went on and on. When the boy finished, Natalie wiped his mouth and sat him on a blanket on the floor where he played with his toys. "That's a good boy," Natalie exclaimed above the din. She was getting at her wits' end and whirling around towards the crib where the baby lay, she barked, "Will you please shut up?" The loud ring of her voice startled the baby, and though Natalie hadn't thought it was possible that a baby so small could cry any louder, she was immediately shown otherwise. Natalie regretted her outburst at once and softening her voice, she added as she caressed the baby's head, which was bald except for a few straggly strands of brown hair and said, "Come on, Louisa, honey. Why don't you sleep for a while? Be a good girl like your baby brother."

Her softer words didn't appease the child and Natalie sighed, feeling she was fighting a lost battle. The babbling sounds behind her attracted her attention and as she turned around, her mouth widened in a smile when she saw Jed careen across the floor towards her, and the baby collapsed into her arms. He looked proudly at her, and she hugged him tightly, planting a kiss on his rosy cheek. "I am so proud of you!" she exclaimed as she scooped the toddler up in her arms and rose to her feet. Jed pointed his little, chubby finger at the crib and babbled, "Isa! Isa!"

Natalie chuckled. Jed had already learned his first words and even called her Na, but it was the first time that he actually referred to his sister. "Isa... Isa," the boy continued, his finger directed to the other baby.

"You're such a clever boy... so clever," Natalie cooed with a smile and with the toddler in her arms, she walked closer to the window. As she looked out of it, she saw Buck and Jeremiah leaving the stables towards Buck's house. Jenny usually cooked lunch for all three, but it seemed that today Kid had decided to skip the meal. Natalie usually had a quick bite at noon and later when she was alone in the room in town she called home, she made a proper dinner that she enjoyed in the company of her thoughts and memories. As a matter of fact, she liked cooking and could justly boast of her skills in the kitchen. Frank always used to say that she had conquered his stomach before his heart, and that was something that she had always been proud of.

Natalie kept looking at the empty yard from the nursery window while the baby kept sobbing behind her. Her head was starting to hurt and she longed for a respite, some relief from it. The idea of escaping these four walls appealed her more than anything, and without giving it a second thought, she decided to obey her desires. "Jed, let's go for a stroll and say hello to your pa."

The toddler squealed in her arms. Natalie came closer to the crib and said, "Louisa, honey, we won't be long. Try to calm down and be a good girl."

Natalie walked out of the room, closing the door, which muffled the baby's cries. "Thank goodness," she breathed as she made her way down the stairs and after stopping briefly in the kitchen, she left the house, carrying a plate on one hand and the baby on her other hip. The young woman went towards the stables and as she slipped into the building, she called, "Mr. McCloud, are you in there?"

"One second," Kid's voice echoed in the cavernous place and almost immediately she saw him come out of one of the stalls. He leaned the rake against a wall and came over to her. "Something the matter, Natalie?"

"Oh no! I just brought this little one to say hi to his pa." Kid smiled while caressing his son's hair softly, and Natalie added, "I took the liberty of bringing you a bite. I saw you hadn't left with Buck and young Jeremiah."

"Thank you," Kid said, taking the plate from her hand. "You shouldn't have bothered."

"It was no bother, Mr. McCloud. Honestly."

"Natalie, it's time you dropped the "Mr."... and start calling me Kid like everybody else. You're now part of the family and we shouldn't be so formal," Kid added after swallowing the bite he had taken from the sandwich.

Natalie smiled, obviously pleased. "Thank you." She paused for a brief moment and then added, "You know what your son did just now? Took four steps all by himself!"

"Really, buddy?" Kid exclaimed as he smiled. The child squealed in delight that his pa was talking to him. The smile that had appeared on Kid's lips died suddenly and a shadow darkened his face. He couldn't help thinking about how much Lou was missing. She had longed for this child so much and had loved him dearly even before she knew he was on his way. She hadn't even complained too much when her body had been racked by terrible pain during that endless labor or when Jed had kept her awake almost every night with his fussing. And now Jed was growing up without her.

Natalie noticed the change in his demeanor at once. She had witnessed that his mood often fluctuated, especially when the children weren't around. Natalie could understand that his situation wasn't easy. In fact, she had gone though a black spell when her husband had died and she had lost her baby, but the months had passed and had mitigated her grief. Time would also straightened this man's soul... it was a natural progress in life. The living needed to move forward and the dead needed to be buried. Poor Louise McCloud was neither alive nor dead, and Natalie thought that her unnatural state was worse than death, both for the woman herself and for her family. Natalie reflected that she herself would rather be dead than in such a grotesque and degrading state, a burden on everyone. "Something wrong, Mr... Kid?" Natalie asked.

He shook his head as he tried to get a grip of himself. "I was just thinking how fast he's growing up."

"Isa... Isa!" the toddler exclaimed, pointing his finger at the big door at the end of the barn and thus interrupting the conversation comically.

Both adults smiled and Natalie explained, "That's what he calls his sister now. He seems to like the sound of her name."

Kid shifted his smiling eyes to his son. "You want to play with Isa, honey?"

"Isa... Isa!" the boy exclaimed again, bouncing excitedly in Natalie's arms and the woman had to reinforce her hold around his body to prevent the toddler from falling.

"Is she doing any better?" Kid asked, changing his attention to the young woman. He was worried about his daughter. By this time, Jed's colic had stopped but Louisa still suffered from it terribly, and nothing seemed to help her. "Jed used to be like her and didn't sleep one single night through in three months." As the words left his mouth, he realized that had been just before the bank robbery and Lou's "accident". In a cruel joke fate had put her to sleep… maybe forever. They stood in silence while Kid ate his sandwich and when he finished, he handed the plate back to Natalie, and said, "Well, I better go back to work."

"Me too," she said.

"Thanks for the sandwich," Kid called as he started back towards the stall he had been mucking out. Natalie made her way toward the door and as she was about to step out, she couldn't resist the temptation to turn around and look at him once again. Oblivious to her attention, Kid was drinking water from the pail he kept there and as he polished off the cool liquid from the ladle, he picked up the rake and disappeared into the stall. Natalie smiled to herself and when he couldn't see him anymore, she waltzed out while humming a cheerful tune.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 9**

_May 1865_

The news of the end of the war had reached Rock Creek as a long-sought moment which came along with some bitterness and regret. Yet, relief and joy filled everybody who had seen how this plague had ripped their country and slaughtered too many. Soon the men had started returning to their homes, but both winners and losers had been defeated in one way or another by the long, cruel war. Many would never go back and those who would weren't the same men who had said goodbye to their families four years ago. Their spirits and hopes were broken, but they were relieved that the end had come, no matter the outcome.

Though there had been a ceasefire back east, Kid still was fighting his own personal war at home. Every day it seemed harder and harder to keep going. He missed Lou with all his soul, even though in one sense, she was still there. Seeing her in the same state day after day, week after week, month after month was killing him. His hopes for her recovery were gone now and all there was for him to hope was that somehow she knew that she had a family and a husband who would love her always. Kid was aware that some people thought that Lou would be better off dead and at her eternal rest. Maybe they were right, and part of him wished for her sake that she would stop her suffering. But a selfish part of him just couldn't face losing her forever. In some way, she was still with him and he often unloaded his soul to her lifeless figure... painfully expressing his anguish, his sense of loss, and of course he telling her the only true joy he now had in his life... their children and how they grew up strong and healthy day by day.

Jed was almost two years old now and Isa was a nine-month-old baby. Kid's days were full of little discoveries as the children learned their way in the world. It was an amazing experience and he wished with all his heart he could share their first steps, words and challenges with his wife. She'd be so happy if she could see the two beautiful children they had created together, but she didn't even know they had a baby daughter, who was starting to look more and more like her with each passing day. Because of Lou's state at her birth, Isa had been a peculiar-looking baby, but even though she was still thinner and smaller than her age, she was becoming a cute little thing. Her face was so pretty; dark, soft hair covered her head, while big, blue eyes dominated her expression and her cute mouth and nose were almost an exact replica of Lou's. Right now her stomach was doing better and the peevish cries had been replaced by a beautiful smile, which charmed everybody who saw the little girl.

Sometimes he brought the babies in to see Lou and he tried to explain to them who the sleeping woman was. Jed kept looking at Lou with curiosity and awe since he was too young to understand. Kid wanted their children to know who their mother was, but they only saw the shell; there was no way to explain what she had been once.

Jed was becoming much attached to Natalie; wherever she went, Jed followed her, clinging to her skirts and Kid had to admit that it was a nice picture to his sad eyes. The young man was glad that the person he had hired was so good and caring. With working on the ranch and looking after Lou, Kid couldn't spend all the time he wanted with his children. So it was a good thing then that they had somebody they could turn to when he wasn't around.

While all these thoughts kept him company, he heard a humming voice approach. He lifted his eyes from the leather strap he was fastening tot he house and saw Natalie walking closer with a contented gait. Her blonde hair shone in the last rays of the setting sun and when she noticed his eyes directed towards her, she lifted her hand and waved, smiling from ear to ear.

"Another day gone by," the lady said when she reached him.

"Yeah..." Kid replied unenthusiastically.

"The children are already sleeping and I've left some stew for you and Jeremiah in the kitchen," the lady added with a smile.

"Thank you for everything, Natalie. You're doing so much more for us than you are expected to... you know that."

"It's my pleasure," Natalie replied, beaming proudly. "I don't know... I feel happier, more cheerful lately... everything seems so bright since the war ended, don't you think?"

Kid tensed at her question and his features hardened at once. "To be perfectly honest with you, I don't. Nothing looks brighter from where I stand."

Natalie's hand flew to her mouth as she realized her blunder. "Oh, Kid, I'm sorry! I forgot you were from the South. I imagine that your people's defeat has been hard on you. Please forgive me."

"Natalie, I don't care about the war. To tell you the truth, I couldn't care less if the whole country falls apart. That's the last thing on my mind right now," Kid exclaimed.

Suddenly, he stopped his angered words at half way, which weren't actually directed to Natalie but to himself and the situation he had lived for almost two years now, as his eyes got drawn to an outline on the orange horizon. The sound of hooves approaching and the figure of a rider attracted his curiosity. It wasn't odd to receive customers on the ranch; they were doing very well and the business was progressing, but because of the late hour, Kid could tell that this wasn't a business visitor. When the rider was closer, Kid recognized him at once: his black, broad-brimmed hat, his long, dark hair, his incipient moustache, his tan jacket and his unmistakable nacre-handled colts. "Jimmy…" The name escaped his lips in a whisper and Natalie turned her head to see what had attracted her employer's attention.

James Butler Hickok raised his arm and waved when he noticed his friend looking his way. He spurred his horse into a quicker canter and as soon as he eased off his mount, he rushed to hug Kid.

"It's so good to see you, Jimmy… safe and sound," Kid exclaimed when they broke their friendly embrace. "We were all wondering when you'd be coming home."

"Well, here I am… finally," Jimmy replied. "It's good to be back after all these years of terrible war." The army had dismissed him a few weeks ago and Jimmy hadn't even questioned himself where he would direct his horse this time. He had no doubts. He wanted to get to Rock Creek and see the people he considered family. But Jimmy didn't think he'd be able to stay in Rock Creek for long. Things were too painful and he wasn't safe to be around. "Last time we saw each other was at Buck's wedding… about a year ago. By the way, how are the newlyweds doing?"

"They're fine… Jenny's expecting."

"Why am I not surprised?" Jimmy joked and it was then that he noticed the beautiful woman standing next to Kid and listening to their conversation.

As Kid saw his friend's eyes shift to Natalie with evident curiosity, he hurried to make the proper introductions. "Jimmy, this lady here is Natalie Mortimer. She's been an invaluable help with my family for a while now."

"How do you do? James Butler Hickok at your service," Jimmy greeted her politely, removing his hat and tipping his head.

"Hickok?" Natalie repeated. "Won't you by any chance be a relative of Wild Bill Hickok's?"

"Wild Bill? I'm afraid not. I never came across the fella. We might share the same name but nothing else. I'm just Jimmy," he replied, feigning ignorance, and when the woman wasn't paying attention, he shared a grin and a knowing look with Kid. Despite the years gone after that infamous J.D. Marcus had written that bunch of lies, stories about Wild Bill Hickok still circulated. For some unknown reason people kept inventing tales about Wild Bill, the fastest gun in the West. Jimmy had learned to live with that ghost that had little to do with him and consequently, his hopes for getting rid of his unwanted shadow had gone too.

"Well, Kid, I better go now. See you tomorrow," Natalie announced and then she let him help her onto her buggy.

"Thank you for everything, Natalie," he called as the woman flapped the reins and the horse started trotting out of the property.

When Natalie was already at a safe distance, Jimmy turned to Kid and said, "She's a beautiful woman."

"Yeah… I guess she is," Kid replied without much enthusiasm.

"Does she have a husband?" Jimmy continued with his questioning.

"Used to. He died in the war."

Jimmy rubbed his chin as a smile played on his lips. "Beautiful and available. Interesting." he remarked amusedly. "Kid, my friend, if I were in your shoes, I'd be pleased to have her work under me in a very literal meaning."

At his comment Kid turned his glaring eyes to his friend as he said, "Mind your manners and your tongue with me, Hickok."

"I was joking… for Pete's sake."

"It ain't funny," Kid replied in the same angered tone. "Not only does your comment show no respect for Natalie, a woman you don't know the first thing about, but for me and Lou."

Jimmy considered his friend's words for a moment and then added, "I'm sorry, Kid. You're right. I guess being around men all the time has undermined my good manners. I guess I'll have to relearn how to behave."

Kid nodded, accepting his sincere apology and thus forgetting his irritation. "Come on, Jimmy. Let's go to the house and have some dinner."

Both men crossed the yard towards the house and as they reached the porch, Jimmy dared to ask the question that had been on his mind since the moment he had set off towards Rock Creek, "Kid, how's Lou?"

"The same," Kid replied with a tired voice. "She's holding onto life stubbornly and Dr. Harris can't believe that she's lasted this long."

"She was always a strong woman."

"Yeah, she is," Kid agreed. "After Isa's birth, I feared I would lose her in every sense, but luckily she's still with us."

"Luckily?" Jimmy echoed, arching an eyebrow in surprise. Luck and the state Lou was in sounded as incompatible as water and oil. The couple of times Jimmy had been to see Louise, he had hardly recognized her… that woman in the bed wasn't their Lou, but an empty body. Since the first day Jimmy had received the news of her terrible accident, he had mourned and cried for her, feeling in his heart that Lou would never go back to them. Her spirit was gone and her whole self was dead even though her body remained.

"I know it's difficult to understand, Jimmy, but in a way she's here with me… and it does me good. I don't want her to die… I don't want her to leave me," Kid explained.

"Kid, she already did. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you know she'll never come back."

"Yeah… and I know she'll go forever someday," Kid admitted sullenly, feeling his throat tighten and his eyes itch.

Jimmy noticed that the conversation was upsetting his friend and decided to change the subject to something that would surely cheer Kid up. "So I heard I had a new niece."

"Yeah… our little miracle girl… the doctor wasn't very hopeful but thank God, he was wrong. She's still a frail baby but she's getting stronger. She's beautiful, Jimmy, and looks just like Lou."

Hickok smiled, seeing how Kid beamed as he talked about his baby daughter. It was a blessing that the children were there for Kid. If it weren't for them, Jimmy feared that his friend wouldn't have survived without Lou. In fact, Kid was not the same person now… he had changed a great deal since the day Lou was shot. Apart from his sullen and subdued mood, his body also shown signs of the predicament he was going through. He seemed to have aged in just a few months and looked much older than his twenty-four years. "I'd love to see her and also little Jed," Jimmy remarked as Kid opened the door to his house and they both stepped inside.

"They're already sleeping but you'll see them tomorrow… and hear them. My two little ones are a handful and when they feel like it, they can make such a fuss that it's as if you had them inside your head. Believe me."

Jimmy laughed, imagining his friend trying to calm down his two children at the same time. They were crossing the living room when they saw Jeremiah coming down the staircase. The youngin widened his eyes in surprise when he noticed Hickok in the company of his brother-in-law. "Jimmy!" Miah exclaimed and rushed to shake his hand. "When did you come back?"

"Just now."

While Jeremiah and Jimmy kept talking, Kid watched his brother-in-law curiously. He was wearing his Sunday best and by the strong smell he gave off, Kid could tell that the boy had showered himself in the cologne his sister had sent him for his birthday. Kid suspected that his attire had something to do with Penny but he was curious.

"Where are you going so dressed up, Miah?" Kid asked.

"Uh… I'm escorting Penny to the social tonight. It's going to be our very first social in town together," Jeremiah explained, beaming happily.

Kid and Jimmy exchanged a grin. "Did Mr. Douglas let you go with his only daughter unchaperoned? I'm surprised," Jimmy asked with curiosity.

"Naw… her two older brothers have been kind enough to volunteer to go with us," Jeremiah explained sarcastically.

"You should be happy that you're allowed to escort her at all. You know how particular Mr. Douglas is with Penny and he doesn't approve of his only and youngest daughter having a sweetheart," Kid reminded him.

"Yeah, I know," Jeremiah replied. Kid was right; he and Penny were having it rough with her family. The Douglases thought that at fifteen the girl was still too young to be courting. And since the family knew Miah's intentions, they lately didn't let the girl alone when he was around. She was always accompanied by her mother or one of her brothers, and the only times he managed to catch her alone was when she was sent to do some errand in town, which was not a very frequent occurrence. Jeremiah was tired of the short leash Penny's family had them on and he couldn't wait for them to be a year or two older, when he could then be allowed to court Penny as she deserved.

"Have fun then," Jimmy remarked, patting the boy on the shoulder.

"And don't do anything you shouldn't," Kid added.

"I couldn't even if I wanted to," Jeremiah groaned as he started towards the door. "Thomas and Peter will be watching us like two hawks."

"Better that way," Kid concluded.

The boy snorted at the comment and after bidding goodbye, he left the house. "Miah seems much taken with that girl," Jimmy commented as he followed Kid to the kitchen.

"Yeah… since Theresa left, he and Penny have grown even closer," Kid explained as he ladled the stew that Natalie had left into two bowls and left them on the kitchen table. "I'm glad he has something to focus on other than the ranch. When Lou …well, you know, he focused on work, maybe too much, and now he seems more ready to give life a chance." he added as he sat across his friend and started eating the stew.

"And what about you, Kid? Are you ready to give life a chance too?"

Astonished, the sandy-haired former rider stared at his friend, his hand brandishing the spoon held in mid-air. He hadn't expected the direct question at all and after a few seconds he let the spoon drop in the bowl and said, "I don't have an alternative. I have two children to live for. I don't care about the rest."

"How's Teaspoon, Kid?" Jimmy asked, changing the direction of the conversation.

"I don't see him very often, but from what I've heard, he's staying at Rachel's," Kid replied without lifting his eyes from the bowl before him. "Everybody has given up on him because he won't listen to reason."

"Maybe if you tried talking to him…"

"And tell him what, Jimmy?" Kid asked in a loud tone as he met his friend's eyes this time.

"What about telling him that drinking won't bring Lou back? Or how your children need their "grandfather"? Or…" Jimmy paused a second to finish his words cautiously, "Or that you don't blame him."

"I don't blame him, Jimmy. God knows I don't, but I can't talk to him about Lou… I just can't. You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to keep sane… I just can't do it with anybody else… not even with Teaspoon."

Jimmy decided not to insist. Kid wasn't well and forcing him to talk to Teaspoon might have disastrous consequences. Jimmy thought he'd have to try his luck again with Teaspoon but he feared that it wouldn't be easy. The other times he had seen the former marshal, it had been almost impossible to reason with him. Not once had Jimmy been able to catch him sober and when he was drunk, Teaspoon just wouldn't listen.

Both friends finished their food in silence. Then Kid cleared the table and poured the rest of the stew left in the pan through the food mill until it turned into a homogeneous puree. He filled another bowl with that concoction and poured a glass with milk, placing them both on a tray. "Dinner time for Lou too," he explained. "Will you come to see her, Jimmy?"

Jimmy didn't move from the chair and shook his head. "I'd rather not."

Kid nodded in understanding. "I imagine you must be tired and when you have rested tonight…"

"I don't want to see Lou like that, Kid, never again," Jimmy cut in. "I just want to remember her like she used to be… strong, happy, fresh… galloping against the wind. That poor woman I saw in your bed is not Lou. Call me a coward but I can't see her like that… I just can't."

Kid could empathize with his friend. It was a terrible ordeal to see Louise in the state she was in. She had been such a lively woman that it was incredible that she had been reduced to a lifeless form. Kid wished he could choose not to see Lou in her current situation… he wanted to see her well and alive. "I'll tell Lou you said hi," was all Kid said as he started towards the door. "Make yourself at home, Jimmy. You can stay in the spare room as long as you want."

"Thanks, Kid."

Kid didn't reply and continued towards the stairs and the bedroom. The door was ajar and as soon as he pushed his way inside, he forced a smile onto his lips as he exclaimed, "You can't imagine who came just now, Lou. You'll be happy to know…"


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 10**

_Christmas Eve, 1866_

The gurgling sounds of a baby resounded in the cozy living room. The tiny girl lay in the crib contentedly, her black eyes looking up at the adults gathered around her. "She's so lovely, Jenny...every time I see her, she looks prettier," Emma commented as she passed her arm around the young mother's shoulder in an affectionate way. "She's going to be a real beauty when she grows up."

"Just like her ma," Buck added, sharing a warm look with his wife.

"I have to say she's a very good baby... she isn't any trouble at all... sleeps almost the whole night through," Jenny explained happily. Even though Sunny was a fussy and difficult child, she wouldn't change her baby for anything. This was a much desired baby. Soon after the war, Jenny had found out that she was pregnant, but unfortunately, a couple of months later she had lost the baby. The miscarriage had left Jenny completely shattered, but luckily a few months later she had become pregnant again. The pregnancy had been filled with great apprehension, both Buck and Jenny fearing another miscarriage, especially after Dr. Harris had told them that Jenny should take things easier and get plenty of rest. Buck had hardly allowed Jenny to move a finger for months and to everybody's joy, Sunny Cross had finally been born on a very cold November morning.

"This family is sure growing fast," Sam remarked, "and I suspect there will be others to come." Everybody nodded in agreement at the marshal's words. Just ten days ago Cody had sent a telegram announcing the birth of his first child, Arta Lucille. Cody had married a lady from St. Louis he had met before the end of the war. Oddly enough, the woman was called Louisa. Their wedding had taken place just nine months before the birth of their firstborn. Only Rachel had been able to attend the wedding, which had been a simple ceremony in the bride's father's home. Because of the recent birth, Cody and his wife hadn't been able to join the family for Christmas celebration this year.

"It's really charming to hear children's voices and laughter in a home, especially at this time of the year," Rachel added as her eyes swept around Kid's living room. Little Jed was sitting on Natalie's lap listening to a fairy tale the lady was reading. Isa and Michael Cain were fighting over a teddy bear while Theresa, at home for the holiday, tried to appease the two-year-olds to no avail. And in one corner where the Christmas tree stood, Helen Cain stared unblinkingly at Jimmy who was lighting the small candles on the tree. When the four older children in the family were together, the ruckus they created was such that there seemed to be dozens of them.

"At least they help to fill the gaps of those who left us," Buck remarked. There was not a single day that he didn't think of Ike. Buck knew that he'd always miss his "brother" but life continued despite everything, and new joys and loves mitigated the pain for those who had been left behind.

At Buck's comment, Kid fixed his pained eyes on him. His friend was right to some degree; his own children were the force that kept him going on, but at the same time they were a constant and terrible reminder that Lou wasn't there. Jed's stubbornness and shy smile was just like Lou's; and Isa was a small replica of her mother in every other way.

Jenny noticed the tension in Kid's face and tried to divert everyone's attention. "Thank you for letting Sunny use this crib, Kid," she remarked as she ran her hand through its engraved wooden frame. "I've always liked it."

"Yeah?" Kid replied vaguely. He had spent many hours in his shed making the crib before Jed's birth. When he had finally presented Lou with the cradle, she had been so pleasantly surprised that she had been totally speechless. He would never forget the happiness and glow in her face that night.

Kid shook his head to shush those memories, which right now only brought about a deep sense of bitterness. "Jenny, it is yours if you want," he added after a second's pause. "After all, I won't need it anymore." His friends exchanged a tense look and feeling suffocated, he excused himself and crossing the length of the living room, he headed for the kitchen.

When Kid opened the kitchen door, he was welcomed by an unexpected sight. Jeremiah and Penny were locked in a close embrace. As soon as the couple heard the sound of the door opening, they let go of each other. Penny's face went red, competing with the fiery color of her hair, and she kept her eyes to the floor while she muttered, "Uh... I think Theresa needed my help with those decorations for the tree." She scurried out of the room in such a hurry as if her bloomers were on fire.

Unlike the girl, Jeremiah seemed quite unaffected by being caught in compromising circumstances. He rested his hips against the counter while folding his arms indifferently. Kid crossed to the sink and filled a glass with water. While he drank, he kept sending curious looks at the young boy.

"What's that face for?" Jeremiah asked irritated.

"What? Nothing... nothing. Just that I thought Penny was spending Christmas Eve with us because she wanted to be with Theresa. That's what Mrs. Douglas told me... and I haven't seen her and your sister together for a minute tonight."

"She's my sweetheart first, Tessie's friend second," Jeremiah exclaimed. "I'm tired of having to make up excuses to be with her. I thought at least you'd be a bit more supportive than her folks."

"Whoa... hold your horses, Miah," Kid replied, holding his hands in front of his brother-in-law for emphasis. "You know I have no problem with you and Penny being together. I think you actually make a nice couple." Kid was aware that Penny's family wasn't making things easy for Miah. It wasn't they didn't like the boy or had reservations about the girl's age. Kid suspected that the Douglases were more concerned about losing their only daughter and were trying to delay a natural phase in anybody's life. Even though Penny's parents were wrong, Kid could understand them as a father. He was sure that the day a young man came along with the intention of snatching his Isa from his home, Kid wasn't going to like it one bit. Luckily, there was a long way for that yet and he still had many years to enjoy his children.

"Can I ask you something?" Jeremiah said, cutting off the man's train of thought.

"Sure. Fire away."

"When... when... when did you and my sister... uh... you know... get intimate?"

Kid was taken aback by the unexpected question. "I think that's none of your concern, young man," he replied. "Why do you want to know anyway?"

"Just because," the boy replied. "Please tell me. Was it on your wedding night?"

Kid stared at the boy in silence, wondering where this sudden interest came from, but as he saw no harm in it, he shook his head and admitted, "It was before that."

"How long before?"

"Months," Kid answered, his eyes getting a special shine as he brought to mind that special first night he and Lou had spent together.

"And how was it?"

"Just wonderful... one of the happiest moments in my life," Kid replied sincerely. Maybe the actual deed hadn't been perfect since they had been very nervous and clumsy, but the memory didn't lose its importance because of that. Lou had chosen him, to give herself to, which was the greatest gift she could ever have given.

Jeremiah smiled and seeing that Kid was opening up he dared to be bolder with his questions. "Was my sister your first?"

"The first and only... and there will be nobody else for me... ever," Kid added in a whisper. He paused, briefly considering Jeremiah's curiosity and then asked, "Why are you so eager to know about that? You aren't thinking of...?"

"Why not?" Jeremiah exclaimed loudly, interrupting his brother-in-law in mid-sentence. "If you and Lou did it, why shouldn't we? We love each other."

"Miah, it was different for us," Kid replied. "We had nobody to turn to, to answer to but us... and we were older."

"Not much older," Jeremiah insisted stubbornly. "I'm almost eighteen and Penny's turning seventeen in a couple of months."

Kid thought that even though Jeremiah was technically right, it was different. Lou and he had been forced to grow up more quickly since they had to fight to survive on their own. They couldn't be compared to relatively carefree Jeremiah or Penny. Kid, though, didn't voice his thoughts and said instead, "Jeremiah, I ain't trying to rule you... honestly... but you need to think of the consequences that something like that can bring about. That's not a game."

"I'm ready to face whatever we have to. I know she's the one like you knew Lou was the one for you," Jeremiah stated firmly.

Kid smiled, seeing himself reflected in the boy. Like Jeremiah, he had been so sure of his feelings that no shadows had darkened the reality before his eyes then. Years and experience had taught him that one had no control over everything and your life could become a total disaster even if you led an honest life. "You know, Jeremiah? Even though I don't regret anything that happened between your sister and me, I still feel we rushed into something we weren't actually ready for... at least I wasn't ready. Things got tense and we even broke up... for a while." Kid sighed as those lonely, sad months came to his mind. "What I'm trying to say is that a physical relation changes things... very much."

"But at least you now have those memories to remember her by!" Jeremiah blurted out.

Kid frowned as he stared at the boy with a stunned expression. "Don't tell me all this fuss is about Lou!"

Jeremiah averted his gaze and fixing his eyes on the toes of his shoes, he added, "I can't help but think that something might happen to Penny... I want to spend as much time as possible with her... create as many memories as I can..." The youngster turned his eyes back to his brother-in-law and asked, "Kid, don't you ever think you wasted the time you didn't devote to her?"

"All the time," Kid admitted wearily. He sighed and after a pause, he added, "But, Miah, you shouldn't get obsessed with the idea that something bad might happen to Penny. What happened to your sister was just...a twist of fate... it could have happened to anybody."

"But it happened to Lou," Jeremiah pointed out with a bitter expression.

"Yeah..." Kid replied, running his fingers through his hair repeatedly, a gesture that he did whenever he felt anxious. "Look, Miah. It's great that you want to spend time with Penny... you should get to know her better before you take any bigger steps. Trust me. I'm not saying you have to wait to be with your girl until your wedding day... that's something you have to decide for yourself... all I'm saying is you shouldn't do anything rash that could ruin something so special you and Penny have."

Jeremiah nodded. "Thank you, Kid."

The door opened then and Natalie showed up. On seeing the two men together, whose faces clearly showed that they were in the middle of a deep conversation, she quickly apologized. "Oh I'm so sorry to interrupt. I just came to check on the turkey."

"It's all right, Natalie," Jeremiah replied. "You ain't interrupting anything. We're done talking."

Jeremiah left the kitchen in search of his girlfriend, feeling not so anxious after talking to Kid. Natalie smiled at her employer as she made her way inside. "Gosh, this place is surely hot," she exclaimed as she removed her wrapper and left it on one of the chairs, revealing her burgundy dress which fitted nicely to her slender figure. As Natalie opened the drawer next to Kid to pick up a fork, she said, "I never thanked you for inviting me tonight."

"No need. It's Christmas Eve, and nobody should spend it alone," Kid simply said as he finished the water he was still holding in his hand. In fact, he was not in the mood to celebrate Christmas. The holiday hadn't existed for him in the last couple of years, but since Isa and Jed were older and Christmas was for children anyway, he had to try to make the occasion festive for their sakes.

Kid watched Natalie open the oven door and check the turkey with the fork. "You know, you're not expected to do that," Kid said. "You aren't working today, you're a guest."

"Yes, I know, but I feel unable to stay idle," Natalie replied as she took the turkey out of the oven.

Kid was about to make a comment when he heard strange sounds coming from the living room. He crossed to the door and from under the threshold he saw that Teaspoon had shown up. Now Buck and Jimmy were trying to calm him down as he was throwing some kind of tantrum. The smell of whisky and a puddle of liquid under the old man's feet showed that accidentally or not, a bottle of the spirits had been crashed against the living room floor. "Come on, boy," Teaspoon slurred a bit loudly, "let me have a swig. I'm thirsty."

"Teaspoon, you've already had too much," Buck replied as he tried to move the old man towards out of the living room. "And there's no alcohol in this house."

"Can't you quit that even today, for goodness sake?" Jimmy exclaimed irritably. The last time he had been to Rock Creek he had once again tried to talk to Teaspoon but it would have been more effective to talk to a wall.

"You're nothin' but a couple of ungrateful idiots... two monkeys that don't know their asses from their elbows. I taught you everythin'... without me you would be nothin'... nothin'."

Everybody, adults and children, were watching the scene with obvious apprehension. Suddenly, Teaspoon lifted his hand in a threatening way to the two men, who looked at him with a mixture of anger and confusion, but didn't dare to move. Kid took this cue to react and stop things before the situation got worse. "That's enough!" he said firmly and in three strides he reached Teaspoon. Taking over from his two friends, he managed to drag the old marshal to the spare room he had in the ground floor. He forcefully shoved him in, and before he followed him, he turned to the guests in his parlor "Go on with the party without me. I'll join you as soon as I finish with Teaspoon."

"Teaspoon, let's get you into bed," Kid said, hooking his arm around the old man's and led him to the bed. . The old man's shirt was soaked with whisky, so he helped him out of it and handed him a fresh nightshirt. He noticed as Teaspoon put it on over his head that the man, like Lou, had dwindled away to a shadow over the last three years. The paunch they had all teased him about was gone, and every rib was visible. When Teaspoon had managed to struggle into the nightshirt, Kid lifted the quilt and guided Teaspoon to lie on his side. "You need to rest."

Kid was about to blow out the lamp and leave the bedroom when a rough voice resounded behind him. "Where's Louise?"

Kid turned around. Teaspoon's eyes were glazed and his speech was slow. The former rider curtly said, "She... she's resting."

Suddenly, Teaspoon burst out crying, sobbing as if he were a baby. "My girl...my poor girl. It ain't fair... it ain't fair."

Kid sat down on the edge of the bed. "Teaspoon, please. We can't despair like that. Where there's life, there's hope. For all we know, Lou might give us a nice surprise and wake up one day."

Teaspoon dried his tears with the back of his sleeve and fixing the younger man with eyes that reminded him of old times, he said in a sober way this time, "You were never good at lyin', Kid."

Kid sighed wearily. Despite everything, Teaspoon was as sharp as ever and no way would Kid be able to fool him. "Teaspoon … you have to stop all this. You know it doesn't do any good … and it won't help Lou. Why are you doing this to yourself?" Kid asked impatiently.

Teaspoon exhaled and with a very calm demeanor he continued, "Tell me, Kid, what if by some whim of destiny, your little girl... that lovely girl... Isa... that's her name, ain't it? What if your little girl died because of you? What would you do, Kid? What would you do?"

"I'd kill myself," Kid blurted out without even thinking.

Teaspoon's mouth twitched into a sad smile and nodded at his words, and he closed his eyes, shutting himself again to the rest of the world and praying that it would be for all the eternity. "That's yer answer, Kid. I'm just doin' it slow … one drink at a time," he mumbled, as Kid stared at him helplessly.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Eleven**

_September 1868_

Miss Daniels, the pretty new teacher, finished calling the list of names from Mrs. Dunne's old register, and then smiled at the six primer students whose names had not been called. "I suppose that leaves you, doesn't it, children? Let's get you set up in my big book, shall we?" she said in a singsongy voice while her hand brushed back some tendrils of her bright, blonde hair out of her forehead. She looked at Jed, sitting in the seat farthest to the right in the first row.

"Your name, please?"

"Jedediah McCloud."

"Have you ever been to school before, Jedediah?"

"No, ma'am."

"Your birthday, Jedediah?"

Jed gave it promptly. The teacher jotted it down, and moved to the next line in the register. "Your father's name and address?"

"Kid McCloud, ma'am. We live over yonder at our ranch with Buck and Jenny."

Miss Daniels smiled at the unusual address, and moved her pen to the last line in the register. "Mother's name, Jedediah?"

Jed stared at her, struck dumb for the moment.

"Jedediah?" the teacher pursued. "I need your mother's name for notices home, dear." She couldn't imagine what ailed the child, who looked confused and red-faced.

"His ma's dead," a voice came from the back from a bigger child.

Miss Daniels flushed in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, Je-"

"No she ain't," another primer class student, Stella, cut in. "She might as well be dead, but she's alive," the small informant said importantly, with the thrill of the born gossip. "She just lays there and lays there and lays there, like a lazy dog, my ma says. Ma says it's a wonder why she don't just up and die -"

"Shut up," Jedediah erupted, jumping up and overturning his small desk. Seeing the teacher's astonished look and hearing the snickering of several other children, he ran from the room and down the lane, full tilt for home.

As he ran, the tears stung his eyes and blurred his vision. The longed-for first day of school was spoiled, by that freak in the upstairs room, like she ruined everything even when she just laid there doing nothing. Pa never could just go off and do stuff with him like other folks' pas, because she always had to be watched like a . . . like a big baby. She was so strange and freakish, and scary . . . and . . . He stopped and leaned against the fencepost of the ranch, not sure what to do now. He dreaded going home and explaining to Pa what happened. But he didn't want to go back to school, either, to all those pitying or scorning eyes of the other children with regular mas who cooked and cleaned and fussed over them. Why did his ma have to be different from everybody else's? Why did she have to ruin everything, even school? Why wouldn't she just die, like Stella's mother said, like a regular person would, instead of laying there like a . . . like a dead body that nobody could bury. He hated her.

* * *

Seated cozily in the parlor, Kid looked down at his little girl nestled in the crook of his arm. "So, you want to know more about Mama, do you?"

The little head bobbed up and down excitedly. "Yes, Daddy!" She was so thrilled that Daddy was taking some time off from work to spend with just her today; she had been plenty blue when Jed left to start school. Though they didn't see eye to eye on some things, and had the usual amount of fights for two siblings barely a year apart, she was going to miss having Jed around to play with. When Pa had gotten home from walking Jed to school, and had seen her morose little face, he had gotten a special box of treasures down off the top shelf of the closet of Mama's room to show her.

Kid lifted the lid off the box and smiled at the small items, reaching in with a smile toward his daughter and pulling out a red velvet pouch. "Hold out your hand."

He upended the little pouch and two rings tumbled out into Isa's thin little palm. One was a sparkling gold band, that matched the more worn and burnished one she had seen so many times on her pa's hand. "Your mother's wedding band. I put this on her hand seven years ago." He remembered sadly that Lou's strong small hand had shriveled so that the ring had to be removed for safekeeping not long after she became ill.

"What's this one?" Isa asked, curiously, placing another ring with a blue stone on it on her thumb, where it spun loosely.

"That is a very unusual engagement ring." He turned it slightly to look at the stone. "Your mother bought it for herself."

"She did?"

"Yep. Your ma was one of a kind. Then she gave it to a friend of ours … who gave it to me … and I proposed to her with it the first time."

"The first time, Daddy?"

"Oh yes. I had to ask your ma a whole lotta times before I was lucky enough for her to say yes," Kid smiled. "I was the happiest man in the world when she finally said yes."

"So she wore this too?"

"Nope," Kid said, winking at her. "She just kept it to remember our history by."

"So she didn't really wear an engagement ring?" Isa said, a little disturbed by the thought. Kid laughed.

"Well, sweetheart, remember I told you Mama did things her own way. She was riding for the Pony Express and pretending to be a boy, you know, wearing pants, and shirts and even these spectacles to hide her pretty face," Kid added, showing the girl the glasses that he also took from the box, which Isa looked with curiosity. "So she couldn't very well wear a woman's ring most of the time we were engaged. And we weren't engaged long. Once she agreed to get married, I made sure we sealed the deal as soon as possible."

Isa smiled up at her Daddy, enjoying the way he was talking to her just like a grownup, telling her these important things. She glanced curiously down into the box again. "What else is in here?"

He returned to the box, replacing the two rings in the red pouch and leaving the spectacles aside as he looked. "Well, here's the earrings she wore the day we were married. Your Aunt Rachel gave them to her, since your ma was like a daughter to her. Someday, you'll wear them on your wedding day, I imagine."

Isa ran her tiny finger over the beautiful cameo pendants on the earrings. "So pretty. Aunt Rachel must really love Mama … and she never did have a daughter, did she?"

"No, she never did," Kid said. "And yes, she loves your ma a lot. Everybody who knew her did."

There were a few precious love letters, some daisies and roses from Lou's wedding bouquet pressed in a book of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnets from the Portuguese. "I gave her that book," Kid said, a shadow falling over his face at the memory of the white lie he had told Lou about where the book came from, a pang of guilt over it even after all these years. The lie wasn't so bad as the way he had turned the blame for it on Lou later … _"I didn't do anything wrong, but you acted like I did. I lied to protect myself. We were both wrong,"_ he had told her, like the silly young fool he was back then. He had tried very hard never to hide the truth from her after that time. Lou had forgiven him, too easily perhaps, with the generosity of love; and she had kept the book they retrieved and treasured it for the beauty of its contents.

"And this is the most important one. Your mother's journal. She wrote her thoughts down in this most every night."

He went to open the book and read some of it to the child, but she stopped him with a grave expression. "I don't think you should read it, Daddy."

Kid looked at her with a little surprise. "Why not, honey?"

"Well, Helen has a diary and I heard her say that diaries are private. Nobody should ever, ever read somebody else's diary. Mama won't like it if she finds out we read it. I think we should wait and when she wakes up, she can read it to us if she wants to," the little girl said, nodding wisely and putting an earnest little hand on her father's big, work-hardened one.

Blinking back tears, Kid pressed his lips to his girl's hair. "You're right," he choked. "I'll put it back."

The front door opened carefully, but Kid's sharp ears heard it. Still holding the box of trinkets in his hand, he excused himself and went into the hall, just in time to see Jed shutting the door stealthily.

"Jed? What on earth are you doing back here so soon?" Kid asked, bewildered.

Jed stared back; he had sneaked in the front door to avoid Natalie and Isa, who he expected to be in the kitchen. He hadn't expected his father to be in the house at all, not at harvest time on a fine morning. After a moment, he rushed past and accidentally knocked the box to the ground, scattering the contents. Kid sighed and bent to gather up the items, and frowned up at Jed. "You know better than to run in the house, Jed. These are some important things of your mother's, and -"

"Nothing's important to her!" Jed shouted, the tears flowing over. Kid looked up sharply.

"Don't ever say anything like that again," Kid flared. "Your mother loved you with all her heart, and I won't have you say anything against her. Whatever would possess you to talk like that about your own mother, so disrespectfully?"

Jed blinked back the tears, stonily glaring at his father.

"Go on up to your room, and we'll talk about what you're doing home from school already in a minute," Kid said, finally, trying to keep his temper. The boy stomped up the stairs and Isa emerged meekly in the hall. Once the door to Jed's room slammed, Isa bent to help pick up the scattered flower petals and carefully replace them in the book.

"Good as new," she said cheerfully. "Hey, is this me and Mama?" she asked, holding up a photograph that had fluttered to the floor of Lou holding an infant.

Kid looked at the photo, remembering the day as clearly as it had been yesterday. The picture had been taken the day of Jed's christening. "I'm afraid not. I'm sorry, honey," Kid said ruefully. "That's Jed. Your mama never was well enough to hold you … she got sick before you were born."

Isa looked stricken. "Mama doesn't know me at all?" she realized, tears welling up. "And she's missed all the things that have happened since I was born, every single thing," she whispered forlornly. Kid hastened to reassure her.

"I don't know, baby. Maybe somehow she does," he fumbled, not sure how to reassure her.

Isa's eyes went to the small box and her subdued mood sparked up as an idea hit her. "I know, Daddy! I'll make a memory box of my own with everything in it about me and her, so when she wakes up, I can show her and it will be just like she didn't miss a thing. What do you think?"

Distracted, and glancing up guiltily at Jed's door, Kid nodded absent-mindedly. "That's a fine idea, sweetheart. I'll carve you a box tonight, okay?"

"Perfect," Isa said as her father patted her on the head and started up the stairs to deal with Jed. She hurried out to the yard to start gathering the late-clinging roses from under Lou's bedroom window as a very first contribution to the memory box, and sang sweetly to herself as she picked them, her voice rising up to the window and wafting over the lifeless form in the bed … whose fingers twitched slightly and whose eyes fluttered almost imperceptibly at the sound.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 12**

_June 1869_

"Pa, pa, they're here!" Isa called, hopping up and down excitedly on the porch as she spotted the carriage driving into the property.

At her summons the door behind her opened, and Kid, Jed and Natalie came out. The girl jumped off the porch onto the yard and ran towards the approaching wagon. "Isa! Come here this minute!" Kid cried, alarmed, seeing her daughter racing recklessly and getting in the way the trotting horse came.

The young girl didn't seem to have heard her father and carried on, waving her arms and exclaiming, "Uncle Miah! Uncle Miah!"

The carriage finally stopped and Jeremiah eased off it quickly. On seeing the little girl, he smiled and opened his arms to receive her niece. Isa dashed against him and Jeremiah scooped the five-year-old up in his arms. "Hello, Apple Pie. How has my favorite niece been these days?"

"I missed you... very much," the girl replied.

"Me too, honey."

Isa pouted exaggeratedly as she remembered something that had been bugging her for the past week. "Uncle Miah, do you really have to leave home?"

"I'm afraid so, honey," Jeremiah replied. "Remember what Pa and I told you about me and Aunt Penny getting married?"

Isa nodded but she insisted, "I don't understand why you and Auntie Penny can't live with us. Aunt Penny could sleep in one of the empty bedrooms."

Jeremiah exchanged an amused grin with his bride, who still sat on the wagon, and then turned his attention back to the child in his arms. "Isa, when two people get married, well... they need a place of their own."

"Why?"

"Because that's the way life is, honey. One day it will happen to you."

Jeremiah's words didn't sit well with Isa. She folded her arms and her cute face scrunched up in a scowl. "I'll never get married... I'll never leave Pa," she added stubbornly, panicking at the idea.

"Isa, honey, you know we're just moving a few yards away... you can even see our house from your bedroom window," Jeremiah reminded her.

"And you can come and see us whenever you want to... or your pa lets you," Penny added with a smile.

"But it won't be the same," Isa answered in a sad voice, not convinced by the arguments the two adults were using. When she had learned that her uncle Jeremiah and his girlfriend were getting married, Isa had been exultant. She liked Penny; she was funny and made Isa laugh with her jokes and comments. Isa had been excited about the wedding; she had never attended one before and Pa had bought her a beautiful dress that made her feel like a princess in a fairy tale. However, her joy was ruined when she learned that her new aunt wouldn't be living with them, but Uncle Jeremiah would move out to a new house.

"Isa, don't pester," Kid said as he walked closer, followed by Jed and Natalie. Jeremiah put his niece back onto the ground and as he helped his bride off the wagon, Kid asked, "So tell us, how was the honeymoon?"

"Good, good... we had fun," Jeremiah replied.

"Yeah, I imagined you did," Kid remarked innocently and when he noticed Penny's red cheeks, he realized his double entendre, so he tried to fix his blunder clumsily, "Uh... I mean... St. Joseph is a nice city with plenty to do... I didn't imply that... well... I..."

Somebody clearing their throat interrupted the awkward moment and they turned to the smiling face of Natalie. "Why don't we get into the house? I imagine you must be tired after travelling for so many miles. I'll make coffee and I've just baked a batch of cinnamon cookies that will be ready to eat now."

"Oh Natalie... your cinnamon cookies!" Penny exclaimed. "They're my favorite! What would this family do without your cinnamon cookies!"

The two men and Natalie laughed at Penny's flamboyant comment. The new Mrs. McCloud had a special way with words that amused everybody. Her well-known remarks had to be taken with a pinch of salt because Penny usually meant only half of what her mouth uttered. She wasn't a hypocrite; she simply got carried away by strong emotion which she felt unable to control.

The newlyweds led the way to the house, surrounded by the children who kept asking dozens of questions about their honeymoon. Natalie and Kid lagged behind, walking at a slower pace. "Thank you for covering my slip," Kid said. "The last thing I want is to embarrass the kids."

Natalie grinned, pleased with herself. "Well, they are not kids anymore," she remarked. "They're married and soon the babies will come too."

"Just incredible," Kid replied almost to himself. "Time really flies. The first time I met Jeremiah, he was barely twelve... it's incredible."

"You've done very good giving him and his sister a place to call home," Natalie said admiringly. "You've assumed more responsibilities any man would even consider taking."

"To tell you the truth, Natalie, there was nothing to consider. They're family and having them here... especially Jeremiah has been more than a support all these years."

"I like your sense of family. I like that in a man," Natalie admitted in a low voice.

"Thanks," Kid muttered, embarrassed by her flattering words. They continued to the house in silence and once there, Natalie soon brewed the coffee and prepared a plate with her well-reputed cookies. When she stepped back into the living room, the newlyweds, or more precisely Penny, were blabbering endlessly about their trip to St. Jo. Natalie served the coffee to the adults and handed each of the children a glass of fresh milk.

"Please, Natalie, sit with us and have a break," Kid offered. "You deserve it."

"Thank you," the woman replied as she sat down next to Jed on the sofa and poured herself a cup of steaming coffee.

"Hmm, delicious, Natalie," Penny exclaimed, closing her eyes almost in ecstasy as she tasted the sweet pastry in her mouth. When she opened them again, she added, "So any news while we were away?"

"Well, yeah... good news. Buck and Jenny are parents again," Kid announced with a smile.

"But... but she wasn't due for another couple of weeks," Penny pointed out.

"Seems the girl couldn't wait that long," Natalie added, giggling.

"A girl? Another girl?" Jeremiah asked.

"Yeah... another girl," Jed muttered with an unhappy expression. He was tired of all the girls in his family, and had wished his new "cousin" had been a boy. Michael Cain was the only other boy apart from him, but Michael seemed to enjoy Isa's company better than Jed's.

"I'm so disappointed to have missed the birth!" Penny exclaimed in a disappointed tone.

"Are Jenny and the baby okay?" Jeremiah asked again.

"Perfect. Little Aurora is a beautiful baby," Kid replied.

They remained in silence for a few seconds as they sipped their coffee and ate the crunchy cookies. "Well," Jeremiah started after the brief pause, "we brought presents for everybody from the city. Shall we see them now? What do you think, children?"

"Oh please, please, please," the two siblings exclaimed in chorus, clapping their hands excitedly.

The adults smiled at the children's spontaneous answer. Jeremiah unclasped the carpet bag resting at his feet and started handing out the small presents they had brought from their trip. Isa got a tiny doll, Jed some new crayons, Kid a belt and even Natalie had a little something, an embroidered handkerchief.

"You shouldn't have taken so much bother," Natalie said, flustered by the young couple's thoughtful detail.

"It wasn't a bother," Jeremiah replied. "You're part of this family and after all the inconveniences you had to put up with for me and these two little devils, this is nothing."

"Thank you," Natalie replied, blushing with pleasure. She actually felt she belonged to this family and after all these years she couldn't imagine her life without them. The arduous work lately didn't feel so hard... maybe because she was used to it, or maybe because she felt so happy around this surrogate family that she didn't mind the rest.

"Isa, what are you doing?" Kid asked when his daughter left her seat and started rummaging in Jeremiah's carpet bag. "Leave your uncle's things. That's not nice."

Knelt in front of Jeremiah and the bag, the girl stopped and instead of answering her father, she looked up at the newlyweds. "Uncle Miah, sorry. I was just looking for the thing you brought to my mama. Please let me take it to her... please."

Jeremiah and Penny exchanged a strained look. "Uh... honey," the young man started awkwardly, "we didn't bring anything for her."

"But why?" Isa asked with a disappointed pout. "You said you brought a present for everybody."

"Isa, Ma doesn't need anything," Kid cut in, saving his brother-in-law from further awkwardness. "She's fine."

The five-year-old girl considered his father's words for a second before adding, "But she loves nice things like daisies, or ribbons or ..."

"Will you stop talking nonsense?" Jed exclaimed irritated. "She doesn't like anything because she can't talk or move!"

"But I do know her! She's my mother!"

"You know nothing! You're just a silly girl!"

"Will you two stop it?" Kid chided his two children in a firm tone, putting their argument to an end. "Jed, you shouldn't talk to your little sister like that."

"I'm sorry, Pa," the boy apologized sincerely.

"And Isa, what do you say if you and I go to the prairie near the lake tomorrow and pick up some nice flowers for Ma?"

Isa's face lit up with a big smile. "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" she exclaimed as she playfully hopped her way to her father. She jumped to his lap and Kid was quick to catch her before she hurt herself. The girl hooked her arms around his neck and planting a kiss on his cheek, she said, "I love you, Pa!"

"I love you too, beautiful," Kid replied, with pride and love for his little girl. Whenever she or Jed told him those three words, he felt his heart melt and realized that his life was still worth living. Isa nestled against her father's chest and Kid directed his attention to Jeremiah and Penny. "Did you get to see Theresa in the city?"

"Oh yeah, we did," Penny replied, "We met with her a few times. Such a shame she couldn't come to our wedding, so it was a joy to see her."

"Is she getting on all right in her job?" Natalie asked this time. After finishing his studies and getting her teacher certificate, Theresa had gotten a post in a small school in St. Joseph. Kid had wanted her to return to Rock Creek, but there were no free teaching positions in Rock Creek's school or in the closest towns. In this time of the year Theresa was busy with exams and she hadn't been able to take the time off to attend her brother's wedding, but soon school would break for the summer and Theresa would come home.

"Oh yeah," Jeremiah answered. "As far as I could see, her pupils adore her. Not surprising at all. My little sister always had a natural gift with children. I remember when we were at the orphanage, she was the first to volunteer to help the nuns with the small children."

"She'll definitely make a good mother one day," Natalie remarked, sending a smile to Kid, a gesture he never saw since his attention was totally focused on the newlyweds and the little girl in his arms.

At Natalie's remark Penny and Jeremiah exchanged a knowing look, which wasn't lost to Kid's notice. "Something wrong, Miah?"

"Uh... there's something about Tessie we have to tell you," the younger man explained.

"Well? What is it?" Kid urged, suddenly concerned by the mysterious way Miah had adopted. When the younger man didn't rush to talk but kept sweeping his eyes between the two children, Kid said, "Natalie, could you please help the children with their homework now?"

"Sure," Natalie promptly replied, getting the hint, and she rose to her feet.

"Pa... no!"

"Please let us stay. Please!"

"Come on. Be good children," Kid replied. "You should have been done with it by now. You'll talk to Uncle Miah and Aunt Penny later 'cause they're staying for dinner, ain't you?"

"Of course we will stay," Penny replied, smiling at the two children whose faces showed that they weren't happy at all.

When the children and Natalie disappeared into the kitchen, Kid didn't waste any time and asked, "So what's the matter with Tessie then?"

"She... well, she wanted to tell you herself, but she was afraid of your reaction."

"What is it?" Kid insisted, running out of patience. His mind was being flooded by all kinds of scary ideas. Jeremiah's hesitation told him that whatever he was hiding, Kid wouldn't like it. Theresa was very special to him, the little sister he had never had, and it frightened him to death to think that something had happened to her. For years Kid had worried about her, thinking of a young lady on her own could run into some kind of danger or troublesome situation. Even though Theresa now lodged with a decent family in St. Joseph, there was no guarantee that she couldn't be a victim of crooks, or unlucky circumstances.

After sharing another look with his wife, Jeremiah blurted out, "Tessie's in love."

At his words, Kid let out the air that he had been holding and with obvious relief, he exclaimed, "Gosh, Miah. You scared the daylights out of me for a minute. I thought it was something worse."

"Tessie's afraid you don't approve of her... uh... suitor," Penny added.

"Why? What's wrong with the fella?"

"Nothing... in fact, he's quite amiable and friendly. Quite well off as well," Jeremiah replied, purposefully highlighting the man's good qualities first. "Tessie introduced him to us and he seems to be a good man... and I can tell he's really smitten with my sister."

"But..." Kid added pointedly, "Because I imagine there's a but, ain't it?"

"Well... for starters he's older than Tessie," Jeremiah explained cautiously.

"How much older?"

"Uh... I'm not totally sure, but I'd say he's around... uh... forty or so... maybe younger."

"Forty?" Kid exclaimed with an expression of horror. "Your sister just turned eighteen. What kind of man could court a girl young enough to be his daughter?"

Jeremiah didn't try to argue with Kid and simply said, "And that's not the worst."

"Come on, Miah. Spit it out."

"He has a twelve-year-old son from a previous marriage."

"A widower?"

Jeremiah shook his head. "Divorced"

"Where did your sister go and meet somebody like him?" Kid continued, trying to accept that sweet Theresa was involved with the kind of person Jeremiah was describing. He had nothing against divorced men but it worried him to think that somebody with much more life experience than Theresa could take advantage of her or hurt her.

"He is a professor at her old college," Jeremiah continued and as Kid's eyes widened in surprise, the younger man added, "I understand he was never her teacher... she just met him there... at least that's what she told Penny."

"They want to get married soon," Penny took on where her husband had left. "Tessie wants to bring him to Rock Creek to meet the family. Well, he plans to ask you for Theresa's hand."

Kid shook his head thoughtfully, not pleased by what he had learned about Theresa and her beau at all. It was difficult to accept that little Theresa had grown up, fallen in love and wanted to get married. "Kid," Jeremiah cut in, interrupting his thoughts. "I wasn't delighted either when I heard but..."

"But it's her life and she has a right to decide how she wants to live it," Kid ended the sentence for his brother-in-law.

Miah nodded. "We have to give her the benefit of the doubt. You know what Tessie's like and if she thinks this is the man she wants to join her life to, then he must be something." Kid kept deep in thought, considering what the younger man said. "What's on your mind, Kid?"

"I... I was thinking what Lou would say about all this," he replied in a sad voice. It was in moments like this that he needed her most, needed her special wisdom, her practicality. Conflicts like this were liable to repeat when his own children grew up. Kid didn't intend to oppose Tessie's decision... as Jeremiah had said, it was her life and he had no authority to say what was right or not for her. However, he was afraid his apparent leniency would get Theresa hurt or she might end up with the wrong person. That was something he'd never forgive himself for, something he felt Lou would never forgive him.

* * *

In the kitchen the children had been worked on their homework as their father had told them to do. Standing next to the table, Natalie was going through the neat pages Jed had finished.

"This is so good, Jed, so good. Lovely handwriting and almost no mistakes. You're such a clever boy," Natalie exclaimed as she caressed his head affectionately. The boy beamed proudly. The woman shifted her eyes to Isa, who was still struggling with the pencil and the paper. The letters she was scribbling were wiggly and oddly-shaped. "Isa, when are you going to finish with that? And please try to put a little more effort on those letters. Miss Daniels won't be very happy with you, young lady."

"I'm tired and bored... this is boring," the girl moaned.

"Well, you need to learn your letters, honey."

"Why?"

"Because you have to learn how to write and read," Natalie replied patiently.

"Why?" Isa asked again.

"Because reading is fun."

"Why?"

"Because... because..." Natalie tried but all she managed was to repeat the same word over and over again, unable to find the words to explain herself. Feeling like a fool, her irritation soared and she blustered in a loud tone, "Why? Why? Why? Is that all you can say? Will you stop asking stupid questions and finish your homework once and for all? And hurry up about it. I have a thousand things to do as it is without having to sit here all afternoon waiting for you to stop fooling around and get your work done. You have three minutes." She turned over the egg timer for emphasis.

Isa's forehead creased and her eyebrows knit together in annoyance. She felt tears of irritation forming in her eyes and not wanting to be seen like this, she lowered her head, picked up the pencil and continued her fight with the letters. "It's hard, that's all," she complained, squinting at the book. "The letters are so small."

Natalie sighed wearily. "Oh Isa, Isa, you always make my head hurt," the woman said. She turned from the table and started to peel and dice extra vegetables for the two guests they had for dinner tonight.

Making sure he wasn't noticed, Jed kicked his sister to attention and when the girl lifted her eyes from the paper, he whispered, "Why do you have to be such a silly pain? You made her angry again!"

"And you're a fool!" the girl rebuked loudly enough for Natalie to hear her.

"Isa, you're really pushing your luck!" the woman said, turning to her with an irritated expression. "Didn't you hear what I told you before?"

The little girl didn't say anything and she simply resumed her writing. She felt very angry and upset because this time she hadn't done anything wrong. Protesting would be in vain. Isa had learned that she and her brother were not the same for Natalie. Jed could get away with things that she would be scolded for. For some reason Natalie didn't have so much patience with the little girl. Isa was used to the woman's ways but it irritated her the way her brother seemed to look up at her as if she were some perfect doll. Natalie was nice when she was in a good mood, Isa reflected, but she didn't make up for the absence of their mother. Natalie could never take her place even though she sometimes acted as if she was, and in Jed's case it practically was like that.

Before the egg timer ran out, Isa announced that her homework was finished. "Let me see," the woman said, taking the girl's notebook and checking the writing. "Well, it could be better, but I'll let it pass this time."

"Can I go now, Natalie? Can I?" Isa asked and as soon as the woman granted her permission, the girl jumped to her feet, almost tipping the chair over in her hurry to leave the room. She didn't stop at the reprimanding words behind her and dashed up the stairs and she didn't slow down until she was inside the bedroom.

Isa approached the bed where her mother lay and pushing herself up on the tip of her toes, she placed a kiss on Lou's cheek. "Sorry, Ma. I couldn't come earlier. I had to finish some silly work from school." Isa swept her eyes through her mother's still figure and spotting a trace of saliva on the corner of her mouth, she took a towel and gently wiped it off. Immediately afterwards, Isa picked up the brush from the dresser and like every day she ran it through Lou's short hair with soft strokes while she kept talking. "Today Uncle Miah and Aunt Penny came back from that honeymoon thing Pa told me about. I'm still unhappy about him moving out of the house. Why can't things stay the same when people get married, Ma?" Isa sighed and put the brush down on the bedside table, and rounding the table she climbed on top of it and sat cross-legged on the empty place next to Lou. The girl took her mother's hand in hers and her little index finger kept brushing softly along Lou's thin ones.

"I thought of you today, Mama. Miss Daniels told us today that in the east they're celebrating something called Mother's Day next week, so she asked us to draw a picture for our mothers. I want to make a picture of Lightning for you. Pa says that she's your special mare and... I guess you miss her, don't you, Mama? If you have a picture of her, maybe you'll be happy. The problem is that I'm not very good at drawing... Jed's much, much better than me... that's what Natalie says, but... but... he says he won't help me." The girl stopped her account, feeling a bit flustered all of a sudden. She felt unable to repeat in front of her mother what Jed had told her. She didn't want her ma to get upset because Isa was sure her mother could hear and understand what she told her. Once again Jed had mocked her for caring for their mother so much and even though Pa didn't approve of his comments, Jed didn't change. "Uh... maybe I can ask Pa to help me," Isa continued, skipping the part about Jed. "Or... or Aunt Emma. Michael showed me once a picture his ma had drawn and it was very nice. I like Aunt Emma... Once I stayed at her house and she showed me a picture of you and her together. She said it was from her wedding day. Do you remember that, Ma? You were wearing pants, a jacket and a big hat, but you looked pretty. Pa says you used to ride horses and that's why you wore pants. I also like horses, Ma. My favorite horse is a pretty filly Katy had last spring. Pa let me name the filly. Do you know what name I chose, Ma?"

"Sky."

Isa turned her smiling face as she recognized her father's clear voice. "Pa, you startled me."

"Sorry, honey," Kid replied. "Keeping your ma company?"

Isa bobbed her head up and down and remained silent, watching her father exercising her mother's limbs like he did every day. Isa liked seeing him with her ma; he was tender and gentle and when he finished, he always gave her a kiss and called her sweetheart.

Once he was done, Kid plunked down on the chair opposite the bed and opening his arms, he said, "Come here, sweetie."

Isa scrambled off the bed and dashed to her father. She perched on his lap and as he hugged her little girl, he kissed her on top of her head while he said, "You know, you look just like her."

Isa turned her beaming face to her father. "Do I, Pa? Really?"

Kid nodded, smoothing the loose tendrils of hair escaping her two pigtails. "You're as pretty as she is."

Isa's smile brightened, even more if that was possible. After keeping thoughtful for a while, she said, "Pa, I always pray for Ma, every day."

"That's good, honey."

"You know something? Last Christmas I hoped Santa Claus would grant me my wish. I wanted him to make mama better instead of bringing me toys, and I was so disappointed when on Christmas Day I still got a doll and Mama was the same. Then Cousin Helen told me that Santa Claus just brings presents and can't help Ma."

Kid sighed, remembering Isa's sad face on Christmas Day. She had been morose all day long and had refused to play with the doll she always admired in Tompkins' store. Kid had been unable to get the reason of her mood then, and now he could understand what had been bugging his little girl. It pained him to realize how Lou's condition was affecting his children. "What Helen said is true, I'm afraid, honey."

"I know I was wrong, Pa. I was asking the wrong person, but now I'm praying to God that Mama get better and I feel He's going to hear me out," the girl explained excitedly.

"Isa, love," Kid replied warily, "you have to know that we don't get everything we ask God."

"But I know we will, Pa. The Reverend's wife told us at Sunday school that if we have real faith, we can do everything with God's help. And I do have real faith, Pa, and God will make Ma get better. I know He will because He knows we need her."

Kid smiled awkwardly. Isa was the only one who apparently kept her faith... he had lost it long ago. Lou would never come back to them and the hopes he had harbored the first months and even the first couple of years had vanished completely. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. Kid hated to think that Isa would be bitterly disappointed when her mother remained unchanged day after day, week after week, year after year. It would be a blow that Kid wanted to spare her from. Yet, he just couldn't break her little girl's heart and dreams, so he simply said, "Yes, honey, we need her... we need her very much."

"You'll see, Pa. We'll have Ma with us very soon!"

Kid sighed and hugged his girl more tightly. They watched Lou breathe in and out. Life would never be the same, and not even in his dreams Lou was well anymore. All he dreamed about lately was of Lou falling into an abyss or dying tragically. The nightmare that was his life had followed him into his dreams now, and he knew that waking up from this nightmare was no longer an option for any of them.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 13**

_September 1870_

Jed's sad eyes stared at the overcast afternoon sky and the torrential rain falling without stop. Since the first raindrops had touched the earth, he had been glued to the window, bearing a forlorn expression. He couldn't believe he could be this unlucky. All week he had been looking forward to Saturday and his plans would be ruined now. Since Aunt Theresa and her husband were visiting and she could look after Ma, his father had promised him they would go fishing and spend the day together. That hadn't happened in a very long time... Pa could never leave the ranch for more than a few hours because Ma had to be looked after, and on the very few occasions he had arranged for somebody like Aunt Emma or Rachel to stay with Ma as a special favor, Isa always tagged along, which meant Jed couldn't have his father for himself. Jed longed to spend time alone with his father, so when on his recent birthday Pa had told him that when Theresa visited, they'd go fishing together, Jed had felt on top of the world. And now the stupid rain had to spoil everything.

Jed heard some steps resound behind and turned to see his father approach. "It's dinnertime, buddy," Kid announced as he ruffled the boy's hair affectionately.

"It's still thundering and lightning," Jed said in a pitiful voice. "And the wind's awful strong, still."

"I know," Kid replied and noticing the wretched expression on his son's face, he added, "Jed, if we can't go fishing tomorrow, we will some other time."

"But when?" Jed asked, irritated. "Aunt Theresa's leaving the day after tomorrow!"

"We'll manage," Kid replied, more hopefully than realistically. "And if I can't, Uncle Buck or Uncle Miah can take you instead... I'm sure they'll be happy to. They don't have many opportunities with their girls." Just recently Penny had had a little baby girl and the young married couple were extremely happy with their parenthood.

"But I don't want to go with them... I want to go with you!" Jed exclaimed loudly.

"All right, all right! I promise we'll go. I'll find the way, buddy. We'll ask one of your aunts to give a hand to Natalie with your sister and your mother."

Jed shrugged his shoulders and without a single word he turned for the dining room. He wasn't happy at all. Pa had said he'd find a way, but Jed knew it would not happen, at least for a long time. Aunt Rachel had the flu and she wouldn't come to the ranch in weeks, until she was sure that there was no danger she'd pass the germs to anybody in the house and consequently, to Ma. Aunt Jenny was away on a visit, and Aunt Emma was recovering after having lost the baby she had been expecting. There was nobody available to stay with his mother, Jed reflected morosely. If they didn't have Ma to think of, everything would be much, much better. Jed was so furious that he wanted to scream and vent all his anger against the person who made his life miserable. But he couldn't do that either. Even if he shouted at the top of his voice, she would never hear him say how much he hated to have a mother like her.

That night the rain pelted on the roof, its steady rhythm reverberating in his bedroom punctuated by flashes of lightning and cracks of thunder, while little Jed cried bitter tears until he fell asleep. A strong shake woke him up and when his fuzzy eyes opened, he saw his father's smiling face looking at him. "Good morning, buddy."

"Morning, Pa," the boy mumbled hoarsely.

"Ready for a great fishing day?"

At his words Jed quickly sat up and turning his eyes to the window, he happily noticed the blue sky and the bright sun rays coming into the room. "Oh Pa!" Jed exclaimed, throwing his arms around his father's neck and hugging him. He couldn't believe that after yesterday's horrible weather, the day would dawn so bright. He was going to spend time alone with his father, the person he loved most in the world and he felt he couldn't be happier.

"Come on, buddy. Get dressed and ready for our little outing."

Jed almost jumped off the bed and rushed to get out of his nightclothes. The boy was so excited that while having breakfast, he couldn't stop chattering, odd in him since he was a very shy and quiet boy.

Kid rode old Katy down to the creek, with Jed clinging on behind. The boy was no horseman, despite living on a ranch and having Pony Express riders for parents. He had no interest in riding outside the corral, for some reason, and flatly refused any attempts to coax him out for a real ride. Kid reflected that only Isa had inherited her parents' love of riding … when she would mount a horse and ride alongside him, she was so much like Lou that it made a lump rise in his throat to watch her, all timidity and shyness gone, and riding wild and free like her mother had before her.

Once they reached the pond, Kid tied Katy to a nearby tree and took down the two fishing rods and tackle box. He handed Jed the fishing rods and spread the blanket he had brought along on a rock alongside the pond. The earth was wet from the previous day's heavy rain and he didn't want Jed to catch a cold by sitting on the soaked ground. Finally, he picked up the basket with food Natalie had prepared for them and they set off to enjoy the day in each other's company.

Both father and son were quietly waiting for the fish to bite. Kid smiled, seeing how happy his son looked. He passed an arm around the boy's small shoulders and hugged him, realizing that he did have blessings in his life after all, two big ones in fact grown out of the love he had for Lou. The joy in his son's eyes as he beamed up at him warmed his lonely heart. The setting, too, was a reminder of the third great blessing in his life: true love, even if it had only been in his life for a few years, that was more than many others had. Yes, everywhere he looked he was reminded of the great passion and love he had been privileged to share with his wife.

This place stirred up very fond memories. Lou and he used to come here when they had time to spare away from their responsibilities on the ranch. Even before they had got married and were still riding for the Express, they frequented the place. The area was off the beaten track and in the good weather as soon as they found themselves in the place, Lou quickly stripped off, ready for a swim. However, she never hurried and would flaunt her naked body on purpose in front of him. Kid fondly remembered how he loved to watch, stare, gawk at her. Her well-formed body seemed to belong to this almost magical spot in perfect harmony; she was so beautiful... so breathtaking that it was no wonder Kid could never keep his control. They always ended up making love and he could remember every single time in full detail. The last time they had been here was vivid in his mind.

_The rays of the setting sun fell on his face and immediately, his body could feel there was something missing. His eyes opened and eagerly tried to locate her. She was there, sitting on a rock; her naked body radiated thousands of golden reflections since, still wet from their swimming, her skin shone as the sun rays caressed her. Her arms clasped her flexed legs and her eyes were fixed on the horizon._

_"Lou?"_

_Louise turned her smiling face to her husband. "Welcome back to the living world," she said teasingly._

_"I fell asleep."_

_"Like always."_

_"Can't help it. Honey, you wear me out... always," Kid remarked, sitting up and stretching while sharing a look with her._

_Louise giggled as she swept her eyes over his body. She fixed her gaze on the horizon where the sun was setting and she added, "This is so beautiful." Louise sighed. "It's amazing. That spectacular view has been happening thousands of years before we were brought to this world and it will continue when we leave this earth." Lou turned her eyes back to Kid and added, "You know, it's when seeing something so immense that you realize how insignificant we are in comparison and we need to make most of our fleeting time here."_

_Kid rose to his feet and picking up the blanket where he had been dozing and wrapping himself up in it, he came behind his wife and circled her in his arms, covering her too in the warmth of the material. Lou smiled as she felt his soft lips nuzzling her neck. "Gosh, Lou, you're cold," Kid exclaimed as he rubbed her arms up and down._

_Louise turned her head to look him into his eyes and wiggling her eyebrows seductively, she whispered, "Well, I count on you to heat me up."_

_His hands traveled from her arms to her shoulders and started to slide down her naked body. "So what were you saying? All that about making most of our time?"_

_Lou shifted in his lap, straddling him and turning around so that she could face him. A smile appeared on her lips as she noticed his desire building. Her arms hooked behind his neck as she said mischievously, "Let's make plenty of memories which will keep you company when I'm not around."_

_"You planning on leaving me?" he asked in the same mocking way._

_"Uh... never," she replied, placing a finger under his chin and lifting his eyes to her, she added in a more serious tone, "I will never leave you unless you stop wanting me." Changing to teasing again, she added, "But let's make the memories anyway." Those were the last words to be uttered by either of them as they engaged once again in their loving until both of them were worn out but full of each other._

"Pa?"

"Uh... yeah, Jed?" Kid asked clumsily as he shifted his eyes back to the boy. The beautiful memories had made him forget where he was and everything else.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Uh..." the man started awkwardly, almost blushing at being caught daydreaming about some very private past moments that a boy like Jed shouldn't know. "I... I was thinking that I used to come to this very spot quite often... years ago."

"Really?"

"Yeah... me and your mother," Kid replied and at his answer Jed lowered his eyes, his beaming expression turning into a scowl. "I remember," Kid continued, "the last time we came here was just before you were born. That summer was scorching and your ma was heavy with you, really big... huge. And the poor thing was so hot that she could hardly sleep at night. So one day we came here for her to cool in the water." Kid noticed the expression on his son's face and asked, "What's wrong, Jed?"

"Nothing," the boy muttered, keeping his eyes downcast.

Kid was aware of where Jed's change of attitude rooted. His son was a very sensitive boy and whenever somebody brought up Lou's name, he always turned forlorn and glum. Kid hadn't talked to him about the matter because he didn't want to discomfit the boy, but today seemed a good opportunity to have a heart-to-heart conversation with his son. "Jed, what is it? Don't you like talking about your mother or what?"

Jed shrugged his shoulders. "It's just... I have nothing to say."

Kid exhaled tiredly. "Jed, I know it's hard to accept life without your mother in it, but not talking about it won't help you."

"What can I say, Pa? Everybody has a real mother, except me!"

"Yeah, I know. I understand that it's ... painful, to say the least. But you ain't the only one, unfortunately. Other children also have to grow up without a ma, honey. Your friend Mark lost his mother a couple of years ago, didn't he?"

"But his father is remarrying and Mark's going to have a new mother," Jed exclaimed, this time turning his bright eyes to his father. "Maybe you could find a new wife."

"Things are different for us, Jed. You know I can't marry anybody else."

"Because Ma's not dead," the boy said with a bitter expression.

The pain showing in Jed's voice and face because his mother wasn't dead was a hard blow. It was shocking to realize what his son's hidden feelings were, but Kid decided not to comment on that. In a way, Jed's attitude was understandable; he had never known his mother and even though Kid had done his best to sow the seeds of love in his children, the harvest was apparently barren in Jed's case.

After a second's reflection, Kid spoke carefully, "You know something, Jed? That's not really the reason. Marrying somebody means that you love them over anybody else. Even if the good Lord took your mother from us, I'd never want to take another wife. I was... I'm very much in love with her. She's the only one for me." He paused briefly and continued after a few seconds, "If you knew what she's really like, honey... so generous, so caring, funny, brave, beautiful... I've never met anybody like her and I don't think I ever will."

"Pa, there are other women ... you know, Natalie...," Jed remarked, his voice softening at the mention of the person who had been a mother figure to him. Natalie was the only mother he had known and he wouldn't mind... in fact, he'd love if someday he could call her Ma for real.

"Yeah, I imagine so," Kid replied, using the words carefully to try to make an eight-year-old boy to understand certain facts. "But, buddy, it's kind of different. It's difficult to explain but when you find the right woman as I found your mother, there can't be anybody else."

"Grandpa Teaspoon has been married six times," Jed pointed out.

"Yeah, that's true," Kid said tiredly. Thinking of Teaspoon burned his conscience. Rachel looked after Teaspoon when he showed up in Rock Creek, but he was never sober. Like he had once told Kid, Teaspoon was killing himself little by little. "But maybe he hadn't found the right one in all those times," Kid explained to his son patiently. "When you grow up and find that special person, you'll understand what I mean."

Jed shrugged his shoulders. . How could his father say he loved her? There was nothing there to love. There was nothing special in the woman lying in the big bed, his mother. She wasn't beautiful like Pa said, and the other things didn't count since she was as lifeless as a rock or a vegetable. His mother was nothing but a dead body... Deep down, Jed wished his mother died for real, would finish dying already. Then his father probably would marry Natalie; even though he said he'd never take another wife, Jed knew his father would do everything for him and that was what the boy longed with all his heart. If that happened, Jed would have the parents he could be proud of. The children at school wouldn't hurl those unkind remarks and he could then boast of having a wonderful, pretty mother, and not like now that he felt ashamed and embarrassed whenever he had to talk or somebody asked about his mother. He hated feeling like that. Why couldn't he be like other children? Why on earth?

* * *

It was late in the afternoon when father and son returned home after a tiring day out. No more words about Lou had been mentioned after their previous conversation, and the rest of the day had been spent among laughs and enjoyment. As they rode back home on the wagon, Jed was sad the day had finished. Who knew if there would be another occasion like this? They had so much fun and had even caught a couple of trout, which Kid had promised they'd have for tonight's dinner.

When they reached the ranch, Jed followed his pa to the stables and gave him a hand to unhitch the horse and put away the tack. Once they had made sure the animal had enough water and feed, both father and son walked to the house. When they opened the door, they heard Natalie's voice, a bit louder than usual, coming from the kitchen.

"No... it's not that. Read it again, Isa."

"It... could... not be... uh... uh..." Isa struggled to read the sentence from her book.

"Again, Isa."

"Please, Natalie, I'm very tired," the girl begged, the tears appearing in her eyes. She had been reading the same page for over an hour and she felt she couldn't get anymore of this.

"We'll stop when you finish with your reading. You're a big girl and should be able to read better than this... like your brother."

"Something wrong here?" Kid's voice surprised both the girl and the woman.

Isa smiled from ear to ear as she saw her father at the kitchen door. "Pa! You're back!"

The girl left her seat and ran to hug Kid. He smiled and turning his eyes to Natalie, he repeated his question, "What's happening?"

"Same old story. Reading. She's... well... it's a losing battle," Natalie explained. "We've tried for an hour and it's been a waste of time."

"I'm sorry, Pa," the girl said in a pitiful voice.

Kid stroked Isa's head affectionately as he said, "Sweet Pea, why don't you let me help you now?"

"But I'm very tired," the girl complained, her voice quivering.

Kid spotted the signs of weariness on his daughter's face and didn't have the heart to force her. "All right then. Leave that for tomorrow."

"Thank you, Pa!" Isa exclaimed happily. She ran out of the kitchen and Jed followed her in silence, leaving the two adults alone.

"I think you're wrong treating her so leniently," Natalie said. "She knows your weaknesses and pulls at your strings perfectly."

"What can I say? She's my little girl and I don't think pressing her too much is the way to deal with this."

"Kid, she's way behind in her lessons, especially in reading," Natalie insisted.

"Well, everybody learns at a different pace. I wasn't the smartest boy at school in my days either; maybe she takes after me more than Lou in this one thing," Kid replied. "Anyway, she isn't so bad. I heard her read to her ma when she's in the bedroom; maybe she gets nervous when she has to read to you or in front of the children at school."

"I don't think that's the reason," Natalie remarked. She doubted Isa really read the exact words that were written in the book for her mother, and probably invented most of the text. The woman, though, decided to keep quiet about this.

"I'll talk to Miss Daniels this week," Kid promised and crossing to the sink, he left the fish he and Jed had caught. "I think Jed's gonna ask you to cook this for dinner. Sorry for the extra work."

"I don't mind... you know that."

Kid nodded and started towards the door. "I'm off to see Lou and then I'll go to the stables... just in case you need me."

Natalie kept looking at his figure as he walked out. She just couldn't understand how after all these years he still remained so faithful to that dead body that was his wife. He deserved so much better... another kind of woman... a woman who could stand by his side, who could love his children, who was hard-working, tenacious, strong and beautiful. A real woman... just like herself.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 14**

_November 1871_

Emma knocked on the door of the McCloud kitchen and nodded a hello to Natalie, who was pressing her thumb into the last of a batch of warm cookies from the oven and filling them with strawberry preserves.

"Helen was sick and missed school today, and I was hoping to get the assignments from Jed?" Emma asked. Just then, the children filed into the kitchen. "Hi, kids!"

"Hi, Emma," they chorused cheerfully.

"Jed thought of that already, Emma, and here's the assignment all copied out for Helen. He's so considerate," Natalie enthused, beaming at Jed. He smugly smiled, basking in Natalie's approval. Isa sighed and fingered her napkin on the table. She was starving; the lunch pail she shared with her "Irish twin" had fried catfish sandwiches in it today. Natalie had made that for dinner at Jed's request the night before, and Isa didn't like fish. She couldn't stand so much as the smell of the leftover fish in the lunch pail, and had just eaten an apple. She looked up eagerly when Natalie came over with two plates, but her face fell slightly when she saw what was on them.

"Strawberry thumbprints, my favorite!" Jed exclaimed. "Natalie, you're the best." He hugged her around the waist and Natalie kissed the top of his head indulgently as he hungrily munched on the cookies. Natalie offered a plate of the pretty cookies to Emma.

"Cup of tea, Emma?" she asked busily, picking up the kettle. She poured a cup and put it in front of Emma and glanced out the window. "That laundry looks dry. If you don't mind, I'll go take that down. The missus needs her clean sheets, don't you know," she said wryly. She took a basket and hurried out to the line.

Emma took a nibble of the delicious pastry; it was as good as a bakery cookie and still warm from the tin sheet. She glanced at Isa, who was draining her glass of milk but hadn't touched her cookies. "Not hungry, sweetheart?" she asked, nodding her head toward the two cookies on Isa's plate.

"You can have them," Isa said. "They're probably really good."

"Did you stop off and get penny candy on the way home from school?" Emma joked with her.

"No, I'm allergic to strawberries. They make me itchy. I'll just wait until dinner."

Emma stopped with the cookie halfway to her mouth and glanced out the window at Natalie, rapidly and efficiently taking down the laundry and folding it into the basket, and back at Isa. Jed took Isa's cookies off her plate. "No sense these goin' to waste," he said impishly. He shoved them both in his mouth and ran out the back door to do his chores, shouting back, "Say hi to Helen."

"Guess I'd better get going too. Those chickens won't feed themselves." Isa smiled, and Emma pulled at her hand and sat the girl down against her lap.

"But you haven't had a snack. Why didn't you remind Natalie that you can't have these cookies?" she asked, curiously.

Isa flushed. "I don't want to be more of a bother to her. She's ... she's got a lot to do without makin' another snack for me just 'cause I can't have nuts or strawberries or 'cause I don't like certain stuff."

"Okay," Emma said, slowly. "But would you like me to make you a little something? I don't have to rush off."

The child's mouth watered and she nodded quickly. "Thanks, Aunt Emma. Could you ..." she trailed off.

Emma was rustling in the cabinet. "What, honey?"

"Could you let Natalie know you said it was okay? I'm not supposed to take food without asking."

Emma turned quickly toward the bread she was slicing so Isa wouldn't see her frown. "Of course, I'll let her know it was my idea. If I recall you like cheese sandwiches ... you must get it from your Uncle Jimmy."

Isa laughed and nodded, sitting on her chair as Emma reflected that Natalie was a good help to Kid, and a fine housekeeper and nurse, but it was a bit ridiculous how she spoiled and pampered Jed, and paid so little attention to Isa by comparison. There was no need for special treats for one child and not the other; that was bound to create resentment. She would let Natalie know, since she was, of course, vastly more experienced in dealing with young folks, Emma thought complacently. She was sure a word to the wise would be sufficient.

* * *

Kid glanced at the parlor clock, and saw it was nearly the children's bed time. Setting the book he was reading aloud to them down and marking the place, he stretched. "It's that time, you two."

"Aw, Pa, c'mon. Finish the chapter! Don't leave us hanging there!" Jed called out, but Kid shook his head.

"Sorry, Jed, you'll have to find out what happened to Oliver tomorrow night. Go on up and get into your night shirt."

The children ran toward the stairs, and Kid called after them, "And don't forget to give your mother a kiss goodnight."

Isa nodded smilingly and dashed to the door of Lou's room, but Jed paused at the threshold, his spirits flagging at his father's order. From the bottom of the stairs, Kid frowned at the boy's hesitation. "Jed? Go on, son. It's late, say goodnight to your Ma and then -"

"Do I have to?" Jed blurted, his face reddening. Inside the room, Isa was cheerfully twittering away to a silent, motionless Lou, and Jed winced at the sight of the skeletal, drooling woman in the bed. Inside the room unseen by Kid, Natalie was gathering up some dirty linens and glanced up sympathetically at Jed.

Kid's face darkened and he mounted the first step, staring at his young son. "What are you saying, Jed?"

Jed shuffled, his hands in his pockets, his face down. "I don't like going there. She's … so strange and scary. Do I have to? She won't even know if I'm there," he protested defensively.

"There's nothing to be scared of, Jed. She's your mother, and she's just sick."

"But pa…"

Avoiding the child's trembling lips and teary eyes, Kid snapped, "I won't discuss this with you. Go in there and say good night to your mother, and then get to bed. I'm going to check the stock and when I get back, I expect you'll have done what you've been told." He gave Jed a serious, meaningful look and then headed out to the back door, taking his hat off a peg and walking out the door.

Jed stood rooted to the spot. He had been ordered into this room every night of his young life as long as he could remember, and he had hated the meaningless ritual for years. Tonight, for some reason, it seemed as if this was the straw that broke the camel's back. He just couldn't go in there and kiss that waxen, lifeless creature again, he just couldn't …

Isa skipped out of the room, humming a special song she had composed for their mother, a silly song that she never stopped singing, and Jed glared resentfully at her as she passed, but remained stubbornly outside the door, stalling as long as possible before the unpleasant duty.

Picking up the laundry basket, Natalie approached Jed with a slight smile of pity. "Go on and get it over with, Jed. You don't want to upset your pa, do you?"

Jed shook his head.

Seeing the boy was seized with a stubborn defiance of his father's order, and feeling for the child, Natalie put an arm around him. "I'll tell you what. Go on to bed, and it'll be our little secret you didn't actually go in there. Just don't stand there like a goat at a gate, for pity's sake, or your Pa will have a fit when he comes back in and sees you. Go on. He'll never know the difference."

Jed looked uncertain. "But what if he asks me if I minded him?"

Natalie laughed gently, her laugh like a clear silver bell, and Jed felt a little better when she squeezed his shoulders with her arm and he could smell the familiar, clean lemony scent that always accompanied her wherever she went. "You ever hear of a little white lie, Jed?"

"Yeah . . . I know about those."

The woman shrugged. "There you go! First off, he probably won't ask you if you did go in or not. If he doesn't, you're off the hook - just don't say anything. If he does … well, it's just a little lie that doesn't hurt anybody, and makes your pa feel better. See what I mean? That can't be bad, right?"

Jed hugged Natalie, relieved, just as Kid came back in the front door. "Thank you, Natalie! I love you." He kissed her exuberantly and ran to the bedroom, and Kid came up the stairs, sighing.

Natalie looked nervously at Kid, hoping he hadn't heard her morally dubious advice; her experience in the household taught her that her employer was unduly sensitive about his wife's "feelings" even though the poor creature had none that Natalie could see. It irked her that Kid tried to force affection from Jed for a mother he had never known and never would know, and she had no qualms about letting Jed disobey his father in this respect. But she didn't want it to make trouble for her with her boss.

"Something wrong, sir?" she asked casually, hoping he had not heard anything or suspected anything.

"No… I was thinking of something my wife once told me. Sometimes memories overwhelm me." The memory had come to life as Jed had exclaimed his love for a woman that wasn't his mother. _'I can hardly wait for Jed to grow up and hear him talk. I so long to hear him say he loves me and have all his kisses'_. That was what Lou had once said; she had never actually heard Jed say he loved her or see him grow up as it had been her wish. It was one single thing of the whole lot of moments she had missed during all these years.

Natalie stifled a sigh of her own. Really, Kid's attitude toward his lifeless wife was bordering on obsession … he needed to move on and move on soon, for his good and the good of his children and a normal life. And she wished fervently that she could be a real part of that life …


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 15**

_1 December 1871_

Rachel was examining some bolts of fabric in Tompkins' store when the door opened and Natalie came in with Kid's two children. "Well, hello, you three," Rachel smiled, straightening up.

"Hello, Rachel," Natalie said warmly, and she nodded to the children. "You can each have a piece of candy," she said, smiling and handing them each a penny. They grinned and headed over to the counter to make the selection from the many glass jars lined there, filled with different candies of every shade in the rainbow.

"This could be a while," she said dryly to Rachel, heading over to look at the fabric with her. "What's this for, a new dress?" Natalie looked at the three or four fabrics that were laid out.

"Yes, ma'am, a brand new Sunday-go-to-meeting dress. Which do you like?"

Natalie considered the choices, and then pointed to a light blue silk. "This one would set off your eyes beautifully," she suggested.

"I think you're right," Rachel agreed. "Why don't you get something and we can have a little sewing party when we make them up? You haven't gotten yourself anything new in a dog's age."

Natalie shrugged. "It's a waste of money, Rachel. I never go anyplace I'd need a silk dress for."

Rachel studied her a moment, and then glanced over at Tompkins, who was caught staring at the two beautiful blondes and jumped with a slight start, trying to look as if he had been polishing the countertops. "I'll take ten yards of this, Bill." She took Natalie by the arm and drew her toward the other corner, to chat out of earshot of the nosy shopkeeper.

"Now what's this about you not needing pretty clothes, because you never go anyplace to wear them? There's a dance in two weeks. Why not go to that?"

"I'm not really interested," Natalie said, her voice faltering.

"Every unattached man in town will be there. Mike Greene was asking after you the other day when I was at the social with - - "

"I'm definitely not interested in Mike Greene," Natalie interrupted. "There's nobody likely to go to that dance that I care to dance with."

"Awfully choosy," Rachel observed. "Aren't you?" Rachel looked more keenly at Natalie, who dropped her gaze to the collection of small tops and slingshots and jacks arranged on a small table. Glancing over her shoulder at the children and confirming they were still focused on their all-important candy selection, Rachel leaned over to Natalie. "Be honest. The problem is that the man you would like a dance with won't be at the dance. Isn't it?"

Natalie went a little pale. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Come on, Nat. We've been very good friends for almost a decade now. I've seen how you look at Kid, heard how you talk about him."

"I've never said a word . . . I've never suggested . . . " Natalie floundered. She subsided, tears standing in her eyes. "Is it so obvious?" she pleaded, her lips tight. "Do you think . . . do you think he knows?"

Rachel sighed. "No. I don't think so. But I think you need to either get away from Kid for good . . . "

Natalie flushed red with shame and humiliation, until Rachel continued. ". . . or take a shot, already."

The younger woman stared dumbstruck at Rachel. "Are you suggesting that . . . that I . . . that I tell him how I feel?"

"Maybe he'd be interested in something with you. Of course, you'd have to be willing to take only what he is able to give . . . he's a married man, technically, and he can't ever abandon Lou . . . So, if being his mistress isn't enough for you, then it's best not to even start anything," Rachel said, pragmatically. She rummaged through the toys for a small present for the children.

Natalie's eyes were bright with tears. "I'd be willing to take whatever I could to be near him. But he'd never want that, he's too honorable. And it kills me to see him . . . so lonely and miserable, when I love him so much and would give anything to make him happy," she whispered tightly, her reserve breaking down now that she finally had someone she could talk to about this. Over the last few years it had eaten away at her heart, and it was a relief to confess it. She didn't know how those feelings for her employer had sparked to life; it had started so subtly that she hadn't even be aware of it for a while, but then just one day the reality had exploded in her face so overwhelmingly that she hadn't even been able to deny it any longer.

"It's been . . . a long and horrible road for Kid," Rachel said softly, handing her friend a handkerchief furtively and drawing her outside to sit on a bench on Tompkins' porch. "He would never seek out another woman, no matter how lonely he gets taking care of Louise. But if he had a little encouragement from you, maybe he would let you be a comfort to him." Rachel sighed. "Louise was my friend . . . but I can't believe she would want Kid to live a life without a little human warmth and companionship. He's done his duty by her, and I think he's entitled to a life of his own. He's still a very young man, and I hate to see him spend the next forty or fifty years like he's been, so unhappy and lonesome. Think about it, Natalie. You both deserve some happiness after all you've both been through, I'd say. And I'd say you don't have a lot to lose."

The children came out with their candy and Natalie turned away, wiping her tears quickly so they wouldn't see. Rachel was wrong when she said there was nothing to lose. She loved the children, especially Jed who was the light of her life, and the home she had helped make for them. She didn't know how she would ever suggest to Kid that she could be more than his friend and employee . . . it was so awkward, and if he said he wasn't interested . . . Oh, she knew Rachel was right, it was bad for her to pine for a man like this and turn away from any other possibility of romance. If it could never really be for her and Kid, she should find another job and try to forget him, but that thought hurt even more than the agony of being near him, taking care of his house and his children and even his half-dead wife for him . . . and never really being with him in every other sense of the word.

* * *

_12 December_

The blizzard's mighty winds whistled and screamed around him fearsomely as he trudged through the blinding, stinging snow, trying to get back to the house and to Lou. He couldn't see more than a couple of feet in front of him, and he bent into the wind, gripping the clothesline he had run from the house to the barn and left there to guide him through the sudden winter storms that kicked up without warning sometimes, like this one, in this cold and endless winter. The brutal cold bit through his warm clothes, no defense against nature's fury, and he was grateful when he reached the house and burst in the door in a flurry of blowing snow. Natalie jumped up from the kitchen table and slammed the door shut for him, and then turned to him.

She saw him struggling to remove his boots with cold-stiffened fingers, and hesitated just a moment before she opened the oven door to allow the heat to radiate outwards, and guided him toward it, placing a chair near its glowing open mouth. "Here, this will help warm you up."

"Thanks, Natalie," he chattered, and she smiled, pouring a cup of hot coffee for him and placing it in his hands.

"Drink this," she ordered. "I guess the children will have to stay in town with Rachel tonight, this looks like we'll get a good foot of snow before it's done." Seeing him struggling, she bent to pull off one of his boots.

"You didn't have to do that," Kid said awkwardly, looking down at her crouched in front of him. As she tugged on the boot, the top of her golden hair was visible, coiled curls shimmering in the light from gas lamps despite the darkness from the blizzard outside. Her slender form strained when she pulled on the boot and when it gave way, she fell backwards with a chuckle.

"It's no trouble, and your fingers are too cold to take them off. You should rest a minute, I'll get the other one so you can warm your feet in front of the fire here."

She took the other boot off and rose to place the pair by the doorway. He placed his feet up on the grate and took a draught of coffee, his eyes following her as she bent and lined the boots up by the door. He knew he had aged in the seven years since he met her, but somehow she looked exactly the same, despite the hard and often backbreaking work she had to do for him and his family. He thought how competent she was at everything she did, and how lucky he was to have found an employee like her that he could trust with such responsibility. He found himself admiring how very graceful and beautiful she was in the lamplight, like a wood nymph from Isa's old picture books.

Natalie straightened and turned around, catching Kid staring at her. He turned his eyes away with a sudden start, focusing on his coffee, but Natalie recognized desire gleaming there before he did.

"So. I guess there won't be any town dance this week after all. Were you planning on going?" he asked.

"No; Rachel tried to get me to go, but …"

"Why don't you?" he asked, curiously. "You've been widowed for almost eight years now … I know your husband would want you to be happy again, have a family, and it's been long enough for propriety's sake for you to start courting again. I'm sure lots of men would jump at the chance."

Natalie clenched the tea towel in her hands tightly, and looked at him, her big eyes shimmering.

Kid had to shift his own eyes when he recognized in hers something that he hadn't seen in a long time. Strangely, he felt his cheeks blush in awkwardness. "I'd better go check on Lou," he said abruptly, dashing the tension.

"Of course. Kid, I can't get home in this," she called after him. "Is it all right if I spend the night in the spare room?"

"That's fine," he said, trudging up the stairs, still feeling the effects of the bitter cold somewhat but not comfortable sitting in the warm kitchen with Natalie just now, for some reason. He opened the door to Lou's room. He drew back with a grimace as the reeking air in the room assaulted him. She had gotten sick and as he fumbled for a lamp he held his breath to try to avoid the eye-watering smell.

When he had the lamp lit, he went over to the bed, pulled back the covers apprehensively, and looked down at her somberly.

Her nightgown was plastered to her from the waist down, and the sheets were ruined. Staring at her numbly, it occurred to him that she looked barely human now, and so different from when they had married. He kept her hair as short as possible, and Isa must have been trying to fuss with it again, because a pink bow hung crookedly from a lock of her dull, dry hair now. He reached over and pulled it free, dropping it on the bedside table. Her eyes were half open and looking at nothing, her sunken-cheeked face grayish and her expression vacant, her lips drooling slightly. The arms, once startlingly strong, were wasted now, bones and skin, and contracted at a strange angle like her legs.

It was Natalie's job to take care of Lou during the day, but her hours ended at six o'clock and he took responsibility for her from then until eight in the morning. Natalie had been off the clock for half an hour now, and this mess was his to clean up. Going down to the kitchen, he washed his hands at the sink and then put a large pot on the stove to heat the water for Lou's wash. It would take some time to heat, so he headed back upstairs. Picking her limp body up in his arms, he stripped Lou's nightgown from her and put it in the large basket Natalie kept for the purpose in the corner. Laying her on her side, he gathered up the stinking sheets from underneath her, and laid down some towels for her to lie on.

Carrying the bedding downstairs, he left the basket in the lean-to and got the warm water from the stove, carrying the pot upstairs and setting it beside the table. He untied the soaked diaper, and as he did, the towels and the bed were coated anew. He clenched his jaw and looked around; the basket was downstairs.

He gathered the dripping, dirty towels from under her, along with her soaked diaper, and tied them into a towel, setting the bundle down by the door. Placing more clean towels under her, he rolled Lou's body onto her side, and wiped her clean with a warm wet cloth, cleaning her backside, between her legs, and rolling her onto her front to clean her other side. He was worried about some redness on the bony points of her backside; he got the cream the doctor left for her and applied it before tying on her diaper, securing it with pins on one side and then the other. She lay otherwise naked on the bed, her chest sunken and barely moving with each shallow breath, every rib visible.

_He looked at her a moment, suddenly and unwillingly reminded of being seven years old, back in Virginia, and finding a baby sparrow who had fallen from the nest. Like Lou, emaciated and scrawny with her half-open eyes big in her sunken face, her eyelids red and her skin nearly transparent, her heart practically visible in her chest, fluttering as her chest rose and fell in labored but shallow breaths, just like the little bird so long ago. His mother had pursed her lips tightly when he brought the lost little chick home in the palm of his hand._

_"I'll feed it and keep it warm, and it'll get well again, won't it, Ma?"_

_Her eyes had flickered up to him, pityingly. "Honey … sometimes when things are very weak and sick, we have to let nature take its course, do you understand?"_

_"You mean let it die?"_

_"It's nature's way, sweetheart. Everything that lives has an end sometime, and we have to accept it."_

_She had stroked his hair gently, and he had shaken his head. "No, I think I can save her. I have to try."_

_"Don't be disappointed if you can't save the little bird," she insisted. "She's suffering, darling, and from the looks of things . . . "_

_Mother had been right, as she usually was. The little bird had struggled through the night as he kept it warm and fed it drops of sugar water, but in the end, his visions of nursing the bird back to health and setting it free to fly again were dashed, when he woke up and found the tiny body stiff and lifeless in the small box. His mother had comforted him and even taken time to bury the bird, and at least, in one way, that bird was set free from its suffering._

He felt nauseated as he picked up the dirty, dripping cloths and placed them on top of the other dirty linens, and tried to keep calm as he yanked another set of towels from the shelf where Natalie stacked them by the dozen. The unpleasant task, which he repeated several times a night at times over the last eight years, was now routine for him, and he worked almost automatically to get through it.

He washed his hands in the tepid water and went to the dresser drawer, pulling it open. His wife's entire wardrobe now consisted of white flannel nightgowns, easily bleached and without frills or lace or ribbons, and he pulled one out and returned to the bed. He put the gown over her head. Natalie had ordered her nightgowns on an identical pattern, with a wide opening at the neck and with wide sleeves, making it easier to reach in the end of the sleeve and grasp Lou's lifeless wrist, and draw it through the arm of the gown. He put the gown down over her body and lifted her slightly to inch the fabric down over her diapered hips, laying the fabric over her legs.

"Good night," he whispered in her ear before taking the filthy linens downstairs. "See you tomorrow." But she wouldn't see him, or hear him . . . just like every one of the hundreds of days before this and the thousands that would follow it.

It was over an hour after he first went upstairs when Kid plodded down the stairs finally, carrying another load of filthy linens in his arms. He dumped them in the lean-to and shut the door with a thud, glancing out at the storm still raging outside and stretching wearily.

"You hungry?" Natalie called.

He stuck his head in the kitchen and saw she was cooking lamb chops on a skillet at the stove. Although the smells and sights in his wife's room had turned his stomach and, he thought, ruined his appetite, the food did look and smell appetizing and he realized he was hungry.

"Actually, yes, thanks."

"Have a seat," she said with a bright smile. He pulled out a chair and she lifted a chop and some vegetables on to each of two plates, then carried the food to the table. "Oh, by the way, Miss Daniels says that Jed hasn't been paying attention in class the last couple days."

Kid swallowed a bite of lamb and looked at her, worried.

"I had a long talk with him about it after school this afternoon. He promises to try harder, but I thought you might want to talk to him about it too," she suggested.

Kid guiltily realized that he had been awfully busy lately between the ranch and everything else going on. He needed to pay a little more attention to the children and their studies. They were growing up so fast. "Thanks for letting me know, I'll talk to him about it."

They sat together amiably chatting through the meal, and when they finished, Kid reached for the plates to carry them to the sink. "You're off the clock, Natalie, go on and get a little rest."

"You're just as tired as I am," she protested, picking up some of the dishes. "I don't mind. I'll wash and you wipe, how about that?"

"Deal," he smiled, and they worked their way through the dishes together. Kid found himself relaxing and enjoying their merry conversation, a welcome change from constant work and worry.

Natalie was laughing at a little joke he told when the glass she was washing suddenly slipped and shattered, cutting her slender if work-hardened fingers slightly. "Ouch," she yelped, pulling her hand back and holding a cloth to it.

"Are you okay?" Kid blurted, pulling at her hand to check it.

"It's just a scratch," she whispered faintly, looking up at him as he looked over her slight wound, merely inches away from her. Rachel's words echoed in her head . . . he was so close . . . everything had been so perfect tonight, like she belonged here with him . . . and he wasn't moving away, but looking longingly into her eyes . . . so she stretched up on tiptoe and impulsively kissed his mouth.

When Natalie's trembling lips met his, Kid's mind went blank for a moment. Her sleeves were rolled up above her elbows and dripping with warm soapy water, and she smelled like clean dish soap and fresh lemons as his arms reached as if of their own accord around her slender waist, frantically clutching her closer. They kissed passionately, desperately by the sink, her wet hands twining themselves in his hair. It had been years since he knew a woman, since he felt a woman's touch this way. His body was screaming for release, and she was so close, so alive, that he never even thought of stopping, never thought of anything but the feeling of her skin and hands and mouth and body, of being close to another person in this way for the first time in so very long. Before he regained his senses, lying panting over her on the floor of the kitchen, it was over and his marriage vows were shattered.

Kid couldn't look at Natalie as he pulled up his pants and buckled his belt hurriedly. He was dimly aware that she was straightening her skirt and buttoning her blouse behind him, and he managed to mutter, "I'm sorry, Natalie. I don't know what . . . what made me do that, please forgive me . . ."

"There's nothing to forgive," Natalie said, still a little out of breath. "It was amazing, and I've wanted it to happen for a long time."

"You have?"

"Sure … and I knew that you wanted it too," she said, running a hand over his arm. "Now that the ice is broken, so to speak, we can -"

He flung off her arm guiltily, and shook his head, speechless for a moment, before gasping, "No. No, it can't happen again, Natalie. I made a mistake, I - - I'm married. This was wrong."

She stood staring at him, a puzzled pucker between her eyes. "But why? Who are we hurting if we enjoy each other? Your wife will never know or care," she pointed out.

Kid shook his head again and backed out of the room, knocking over a chair in his haste to get away, to run away as if there was any running away from what he had done. Out of loneliness and frustration he had succumbed, taken a few minutes of comfort and release in trade for something irreplaceable - - the sanctity of his bond with his wife, that had been so precious to him ever since the day they promised themselves to each other. That was gone now, and for what? For what? He cursed himself bitterly.

All he could think of was getting upstairs to Lou's room … she had been sleeping innocently just above the kitchen while he . . . he groaned in shame as he opened the door and looked at her, helpless and sick and alone while he took another woman, acted like two animals in heat, in the very house where he had brought Lou as his bride. He was filled with self-loathing as he stood in the doorway watching her. "I'm sorry," he wept, tears running down his face as he fell to his knees by the bed. "I've been so alone, so lonely without you," he pleaded, as if she could understand him. He clasped her hand, even now trying to make an excuse for what he knew in his heart was unforgivable. "If you could at least hear me and talk to me, it wouldn't be so bad," he continued, sobbing. "But you're so far away, even when I'm with you. I miss you so much . . . "

Her head lolled to the side, her eyes blank. Kid looked at her wearily and stopped talking. He knew he couldn't confess to her, anymore than he could confide in her about anything else, or laugh or joke or even fight with her as he longed to for so long, a lifetime, a lifetime he had wanted to share with her but couldn't. He laid his head down on the bed and cried in despair.

* * *

**Note: I know this is a hard chapter. Ellie did a wonderful job writing it (I felt unable to do so), and it's so well done. I think it's important to see in this chapter that Kid is not a perfect person and at this point he's reached a limit. I think the circumstances and his own depressed mood have made him look for or rather let himself be carried to a moment of relief. The intimate moment between Natalia and Kid is clearly not a night of passion and love. I hope you stick to the story because there are very sweet, enjoyable moments ahead. I know it's hard to believe this story might have happier moments, but believe me, there will be. Thanks to those who follow the story, and naturally I want to thank Ellie once again for this wonderful, hard chapter.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 16**

_14 December 1871_

Jed and Isa had insisted on having a tree-trimming party this year "for the whole family", and Natalie had agreed, as usual, to perform the work a hostess normally would for the McCloud family. In other words, though she was technically a servant in the home, she planned the refreshments, cleaned and decorated the house, and made sure the invitations were sent out to the Cains, Rachel, the Cross family, Teaspoon and all the others. Natalie wasn't feeling particularly festive or in a holiday spirit this year, but she had promised the children, and the morning of the party found her in the kitchen surrounded by trays full of Christmas cookies as she listlessly pulled a jellyroll pan of yellow sponge cake from the oven and set it on the counter to cool. Her French-born mother had been a talented cook and baker, and Natalie had learned many of her recipes. Jed had asked especially for Bûche de Noël … what the British would call a Yule Log Cake. She prepared the chocolate buttercream that would serve as both filling for the rolled-up cake, and frosting on the outside to resemble a log, which she then decorated with holly leaves and berries. She was focused on tapping powdered sugar onto the log when a loud knocking on the kitchen window startled her, sending a cloud of whiteness into the air.

"Sorry," Rachel said loudly through the closed window, and Natalie smiled wanly back and went to the door to let her friend in.

"Merry almost-Christmas!" Rachel said, smiling and hugging Natalie. "Here's my contribution." She held up a large basket with a pitcher of eggnog, a bag of cranberries and a bag of popcorn kernels. "I'll pop this later and we can string it with the berries … what we don't eat, that is," she chuckled. "Let's leave the door open, it's like an oven in here." Setting the basket down and handing her wrap to Natalie, who hung it on a peg by the kitchen door, she looked around admiringly. "Well, it should be warm in here. You must have been up since dawn making all this!"

Natalie nodded and picked up the sifter and tapped the side gently a few more times to finish her dessert.

"Natalie?" Rachel went over to Natalie's side. "Something's wrong … what is it?"

Tears stung Natalie's eyes and she sat down, the sugar sifter still in her hand dusting a trail of sugar across the table. "Everything."

Rachel sat down next to her. "I'm listening," she said, picking up the decorations for the cake and inserting them on the dessert for her friend.

"You won't say anything to anybody … promise?"

"Of course not," Rachel said, her curiosity rising. "What on earth …"

"I slept with Kid two days ago."

Rachel had a cookie on the way to her mouth and it dropped into her lap as she gawked at Natalie. "So you're a couple now? You took my advice?"

"Oh, I took it all right. I made my move right in front of that sink," Natalie muttered, ruefully.

"Was it … was it disappointing?" Rachel asked, understandingly. "He probably hasn't had a woman in an awfully long time, Natalie, so if it was a little fast, I'm sure . . ."

"It's not that," Natalie cut her off. "It was … well, it was over pretty quick," she admitted. "But that's not what bothers me. It's what happened afterwards."

"Go on," Rachel urged her.

"He hasn't spoken to me except when absolutely necessary since then. He's made it clear it will never happen again, that I am his employee and he is married, and that's it," Natalie said morosely.

"But he made love to you."

"If you call it that," Natalie shrugged. "I'm not sure he even knew who he was with, he was just . . . it was so sudden and spontaneous. And he looked like somebody shot his favorite horse afterwards. It was so humiliating."

"He's still stuck on this thing with Louise," Rachel sighed. "I was afraid of that. He may need a little more time, a little encouragement. He's foolish, really, if you're willing to be there for him despite his obligations, for him not to take you up on it. Honestly, I was Louise's best friend and even I think enough is enough … there's no reason he should be condemned to the life of a monk just because of Lou's … well, her condition. He's a human being and he's entitled to a little happiness, for Heaven's sake. Let's put our heads together and figure out a way to convince him that he should give you a chance - -"

Natalie cleared her throat suddenly and stood up, picking up the cake and mumbling, "Hello, Emma. I need to put this in the dining room … you'll excuse me?"

Rachel turned her head tentatively toward the door, where Emma stood fuming, with a basket of goodies of her own over her arm. In the yard, Sam was helping his children down from the buckboard, and a moment later they were swarming the kitchen.

"Hello, Sam," Rachel said, nervously. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too, Rachel. Everything looks great, it looks like Natalie outdid herself this year."

"Yes," Rachel said, with a defiant look at Emma. "She's so good to the children and to Kid. It's a mercy he found someone like her to work for him, don't you think?"

"It's a wonder she never remarried," Sam remarked, sneaking a cookie from a tray where it was cooling. "She'd make a fine wife for somebody."

"That's exactly what I think," Rachel said firmly, still staring Emma down.

"Sam, will you excuse me and Rachel for a couple minutes? I think I saw Kid out in the barn … and children, you go up and see Isa and Jed, like good children, all right?"

The Cains apparently knew when they were being excused from the room, and they quickly evacuated to their assigned places. Emma squared her slight shoulders and faced down the more buxom woman, who stood nearly a head taller than she did, and said evenly, "Let's have this out, shall we, Rachel?"

Rachel looked coolly down at Emma. "There's nothing to 'have out', it's between Natalie and Kid."

"Then leave it for them to figure out. Don't interfere, Rachel Dunne, it's not right and that's that. I'd think as Lou's friend, you wouldn't suggest another woman take a shot at Kid."

"What's the difference, Emma? Answer me that. What earthly good does it do to Louise to have Kid be alone the rest of his life, when there's a good woman, an able partner, who's been by his and the children's side for their whole lives, who has feelings for him and is willing to . . . to . . ."

"To be his mistress. That's all she'd ever be. And I think as Natalie's friend, you wouldn't encourage her to take second place and have to live a secret life like that. Doesn't she deserve better than that?"

Rachel hesitated a moment and then shrugged. "Emma, she can't have children of her own, and she loves Louise's children ... and they have no mother. She loves Kid, and Lou can never be a wife to him in any true sense. I simply don't see any problem with Natalie and Kid being together, it solves so many problems Lou's accident has left behind. Life isn't always cut and dried, like in your rigid little world … they both need something and I think it's foolish for conventions to stand in the way. If there was the slightest chance Lou would ever wake up, I wouldn't suggest it, but you know it's been a miracle that she's even held on this long in her condition. She'll never come back to us, and I like to think Lou would be big enough to want Kid to be happy even if she couldn't make him happy herself."

Emma had looked down through Rachel's long speech, and Rachel thought perhaps she had swayed her. "Well, Emma? Don't you think -"

Emma's eyes flashed back and she snapped, "What I think is that you're completely amoral; I think Kid is married and his vows weren't just "in health" … they were "in sickness and in health". And I think you're a terrible friend to Louise … who needs her friends to stand up for her because she can't."

The two women stared angrily at each other for a long moment broken by the children thundering down the stairs and the entry of Buck and Jenny, with their children, and in the ensuing hubbub the fight was suspended, but not forgotten, as the two women pointedly ignored each other for the rest of the evening.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 17**

_18 December 1871_

Kid had avoided Natalie for several days, but finally it seemed the young woman was determined to confront him. He looked up warily as she approached him in his den, standing with her hands on her hips.

"Natalie ..." he trailed off. "I know, I acted terribly a few days ago, and I can't do anything but apologize again for -"

"What happened in the kitchen isn't what I'm here about. It's the way you've been treating me ever since then. I don't understand the problem, I guess."

He fiddled with the edge of the newspaper he had been reading, and refused to meet her eyes. "I'm sorry, but it's best if we keep our distance from one another as much as possible now. Keep our relationship professional."

"What if I don't want to keep it professional?" she challenged. "You can't unring a bell, Kid. What happened, happened and nothing can change that." She looked seductively at him and started to come around the desk toward him, and he defensively stood up and backed away.

"No, but it won't happen again. I'm married. End of story."

"Kid, you have to see that there's no reason we can't have our fun if we want to. She doesn't know the difference, and she never will," she added in a sugary voice as she ran her index finger up and down his shirt front.

He gritted his teeth and took her arm to show her the door, but she refused stubbornly to move. She put her hands on his chest, and he brushed them away. "I said no, Natalie. Never again. If you don't accept that, you can find another job."

She stepped back, looking as if he had slapped her. "Another job? Are you joking?" she said incredulously. "You can't fire me," she said contemptuously.

"You are an employee, even if I stepped over the bounds, but if you can't let it rest then I -"

"You'll nothing," she said. "You ungrateful son of a bitch," she flared. "You're _married_, are you? You didn't act much like it the other day, mister high-and-mighty," she said, and he tried to interrupt her, but she raised her voice over his.

"And now you'll protect your joke of a marriage by firing me? Let me ask you something. How do you think your pathetic wife has survived all this time? The doctors never thought she would. Who do you think you owe her excuse of a life to?" She nodded as he stared at her. "That's right. To me. To the nursing care I've given her for all these long, stinking years," she said, bearing down on every word. "Oh, at night you change her occasionally, but who feeds her? Who turns her every hour? Who bends her arms and legs for her? Who keeps her disgusting messes cleaned up? Dr. Harris has said it a hundred times, that the only thing keeping her alive is the skilled care I give her. You can't do it by yourself; and you could never get anybody else around here who would do it for you. If I walk out that door, she'll rot away with bedsores and lung infections, and then die, and you know what? It'd be a blessing. The poor thing would be out of her misery. So go ahead, fire me, and you'll be burying her in a month. See if I care, you ingrate."

She turned on her heel, still muttering angrily, and he leaped up and grabbed her arm.

"Natalie, don't go," he said, panicking. It was all true; Dr. Harris had often said it was a miracle, something he had never seen in all his years, a person living in a state like Lou's in such relatively good condition for this long. He had always raved about Natalie's abilities as a nurse, and attributed Lou's survival mainly to that care. And it was true that he couldn't get another nurse as skilled as she was easily, if at all. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Natalie, this is all my fault. I need you to stay, please."

She looked triumphantly at him, and nodded, shaking off his hand. "You need me for your wife, that's true, and for your kids. But you need me for other things too, Kid, and as much as your mouth is saying otherwise now, your body said something different to me a few days ago." Seeing him tighten his jaw, she laughed. "Don't worry, Kid. I'll be patient. And I have a feeling it won't be long before you come looking for more. Maybe I'll be willing to give it to you, if you're a little more appreciative of all I've done for you the last seven years, that is."

Kid stood dumbly as she turned on her heel and walked out with her head held high.

Jimmy Hickok looked up at the porch of the home his friends had lived in for ten years and shook his head sadly. He had seen a lot of sad things in his life, especially in the war, but somehow the thought of the most alive person he ever knew, trapped in a living death, was the saddest to him. And of course, his best friend Kid was trapped half in the grave with her. Jimmy had always had his friends' backs and they his, but this wasn't a problem he could help solve with his trusty sidearms or any other way, besides being a friend and a support. He tapped on the kitchen door and Natalie Mortimer opened it, looking at him insolently.

"Hello, Natalie, Merry Christmas."

"He's in the barn," she said shortly, turning her back on him. Jimmy was frankly shocked at the attitude the beautiful woman was giving him. In all the years he had visited, he hadn't thought butter would melt in her mouth, and she had been almost annoyingly obsequious and deferential at all times. He mumbled a thank you and headed out to the barn.

Pushing the door open, he saw Kid was writing with a pen and paper and jumped up guiltily, putting the papers away hurriedly, and then relaxing when he saw who it was. "Hey, Jimmy."

"Merry Christmas, Kid. How's everything?" Jimmy asked, giving Kid a short, manly side punch.

"Fine, fine, kids are good, Lou ... she's hanging in there."

"God bless her," Jimmy said, shaking his head and whistling. "She always was a tough little thing," he said fondly.

Kid nodded, distracted, and Jimmy probed a little further. "You sure you're okay? You look like you ain't slept in a week."

"Something happened, Jimmy, I ..." Kid choked on the words. He turned away with tears in his eyes.

"What is it, Kid? What's wrong? Natalie seemed upset too, what -"

"Did she say anything to you?" Kid said sharply and guiltily. Jimmy stopped and stared at him.

"This have something to do with Natalie?" he asked, his gunfighter's instincts kicking in. He could read folks, call their bluffs, like regular folks couldn't. "You and Natalie?"

Kid looked defeated. "One time. I don't know what I was thinking ... "

"You weren't, probably. Ah, Kid . . . "

"I know, you don't have to tell me, I feel horrible enough by myself," Kid said wretchedly.

Jimmy sighed and slapped Kid on the shoulder. "It's not the end of the world, Kid. You're human. She's a nice looking piece of ... well, she's nice looking and probably gave you plenty of encouragement. She's had her eye on you for years."

"She has?" Kid asked with a flabbergasted expression.

"You have to work on grasping the obvious a little more, Kid." Jimmy patted old Katy and looked at Kid again. "So what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is I betrayed my vows, my sick wife. I love Lou so much, more than life - how could I -"

Jimmy grimaced impatiently. "No offense, Kid, but this martyr thing you've had going for the last eight years is getting a little old. Look, you're taking care of Lou, of her children. You've done your duty to her. Nobody would blame you for having a little something on the side for a release once in a while, as long as everybody's on the same page. If Natalie is willing, then why not take her up on it?"

"It's not fair to her, and anyway, it isn't worth it."

"What are you talking about?"

Kid's face fell and he studied the floor. "She's not Lou."

Jimmy bit his lip. "Kid, I understand that more than most anybody else would. She's not Lou and lemme tell you, nobody else is going to be Lou. But ... Lou isn't Lou anymore either," he said gently. "She's gone, and makin' yourself miserable isn't going to bring her back to you. You do what you think is right ... just know that your friends ain't going to judge you whatever you decide."

"Thanks, Jimmy, but it doesn't change anything ... it's not what others think that makes me hold back. It's what I think of myself, and what I promised Lou so long ago. I made one mistake but that's it. I'm going to put an advertisement here in the Rock Creek gazette and in the Omaha papers for a skilled nurse, so I can replace Natalie. If you can bring it back to Omaha when you leave after the holiday, I'd be obliged."

"Whatever you say, Kid. I hope you'll at least give the gal a good reference after the good job she did for you ... no pun intended."

Kid winced slightly, but Jimmy's understanding helped him feel a little less wretched about how he had treated both women, and he felt a little encouraged as they walked back up to the house together.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 18**

_Christmas Eve 1871_

Natalie finished wrapping the last present and placed it under the tree. She stood back. The presents were all wrapped in white, with green ribbon on Jed's presents and red on Isa's. It was late and it was Christmas Eve; and like every other year for the last seven years, after making a perfect Christmas for Jed and Isa, she would go home to a cold boarding house room to sleep alone. Tomorrow, she would be here, to work and clean up; but like every year, it would only be after the children came downstairs and saw their carefully wrapped presents and opened them, without her.

She headed upstairs to check on her patient one last time before she went home, putting on her cloak as she went. Her patient, Louise McCloud, that woman she had taken care of for seven years but never really knew. She had cleaned this woman's messes, fed her from a spoon, washed her clothes, cleaned her house, raised her children. And she knew her only as well as a stranger for all that. Standing in the doorway looking at the real reason for her being in this home, the thing that kept her here, really, she felt something different for her. Usually, she didn't think much about Louise as a person … she was another duty like washing the dishes or mopping the stairs, one more thing on a very, very long list of things to do during the days. Tonight, she thought about her, though, and shut the door to stand next to the bed.

Looking her over, Natalie took in the helpless, unconscious face, the shriveled body. This was the woman whose every responsibility she had assumed for seven long years, whose life she had assumed for her in many ways. This was her rival for Kid's affections, this useless shell of a human being. This nothing. And yet it was exaggerating to say they were rivals, since as long as this pile of skin and bones had a beating heart, Natalie knew she could never have a chance with Kid, no matter how much she deserved one after all these years of slaving and making a beautiful home for him and his children. This … thing, this creature, was what stood between her merely doing everything a woman of the house did … now, including everything, if only for that one time she had been Kid's woman in every sense of the word … and actually being the woman of the house.

"Why don't you just die?" she whispered fiercely. "What use are you to anybody, except to torture them?" Her lips tightened and her eyes squeezed shut. "You would be better off … everybody would be better off. Why don't you just let go and … and go to that other world instead of …" she opened her eyes again and looked down at the insensible woman. "Instead of hanging here between the two worlds forever, complicating everything so?"

* * *

_The landlady stood back as her handyman Bertram jimmied open the locked door, and grimaced at the smell of illness from the rented room. "For the love of . . . " she muttered. Mrs. Nickerson stood over her tenant's bed, looking down with distaste, a handkerchief pressed to her face. "Brigitta?"_

_"She's all in, ma'am, and we'd best send for the undertaker, at that," Bertram said, rifling through the top drawer as he spoke. "She's got some nice little trinkets here. Cover the cost of fixin' the lock and cleanin' this dump back up, plus the last month's rent she owes, you, I reckon. Maybe even a little extra for our pockets, some of this lot looks valuable," he sniggered in satisfaction as he held a silver pocket watch before his eyes. It was surely a family heirloom as he noticed three pairs of initials on its lid, and he hoped Mrs. Nickerson would let him have it to sell._

_"Lot of junk, too. What in the name of heaven is this piece of rubbish?" Mrs. Nickerson picked up a small doll-shaped object made of an old piece of linen, with a pin through its head, and a lock of long auburn hair dangling from it. "Filthy old tinker, she was, and I'm glad to be rid of her. Always giving out with her gibberish and poking her ugly fingers at me. Start a fire, Bertram, let's burn the lot of this."_

_Bertram grunted and soon enough, a fire was crackling forth in the grate under his hands._

_"This little creature gives me the willies ... I can't say why." The landlady picked up the little totem again with a few other items of rubbish and dropped them together onto the fire. The little idol caught ablaze in an instant, and curled up in the fire on itself as if screaming silently in pain . . ._

* * *

_26 December 1871_

Kid watched anxiously as Natalie efficiently shaved the rest of Louise's already short hair close to her scalp. The nurse stood up and nodded toward Kid. "Now the cool cloth," she instructed, and Kid hastened to wring out a washcloth from the bucket of ice water on the table. He folded it carefully and laid it across Lou's forehead.

"Dr. Harris didn't advise an ice bath in her case," Natalie said. "So that's all there is to do for now. He'll be back in a couple hours and we'll see if he recommends anything then."

The worried husband nodded anxiously, his eyes on Lou. His wife's skin was so hot it felt like it was on fire with this terrible fever. Dr. Harris had said this ... this was the end, this blazing fever and the infection it must signify, could not be survived in Lou's weakened state. This was goodbye, he thought wretchedly. Glancing up, he caught a smile on Natalie's face as it disappeared.

"Is something funny to you?" he snapped.

"No, not at all," Natalie hastened to assure him. "But ..."

"But what?"

Natalie sighed. "Well, I can't help but be a little glad the end of her suffering is so near, and ... and her eternal rest and reward will be hers soon," she said piously. From the corner, Emma and Rachel, temporarily in a tense cease-fire, glanced at one another and remained silent. The truth was, that the two women could not disagree with the truth of Natalie's words. They loved the young woman in the sickbed too, and if she could never be well again, the peace of heaven or, at least, the silence and painlessness of the grave, were preferable to this agony. But Emma doubted Natalie was sincere about her wish for an end to Lou's suffering ... likely it was Natalie's own suffering that the woman looked forward to. And even Rachel, Natalie's friend, knew that Kid would never see Lou's death as a blessing.

As Rachel suspected, Kid was enraged at Natalie's words. He stood up angrily, and, trying to control his temper, he brushed past Natalie and out the door.

"Natalie, let him go," Rachel advised, but the woman scurried after Kid, trying to repair the damage her inadvertent smile and excuse for it had caused. He was cursing herself for letting her tongue speak carelessly. After all these years, she knew how sensitive Kid was about his wife and if she wanted to have a chance in his life, she needed to be careful in that department.

Kid was out by the corral already, staring at the colts running about.

"Kid, I'm sorry I spoke out of turn, in front of the others. But I just meant that now that Louise is finally going to ... well, if it's God's will to take her home now, things will be better for her. You can't be so selfish as to want her to go on suffering as she has, if you really loved her."

"_Love_, not loved," Kid said through gritted teeth. But he felt a prick of guilt at Natalie's words. Was it wrong to pray for Lou to survive? He knew the preacher said to pray that His will be done, but ... Kid pressed his face against the post and prayed for strength; if God chose to take Louise away forever, he would need it.

"And there's you and the children too," Natalie continued, misreading Kid's silence. "This has been no kind of life for the three of you. Once she is at peace, you can move on, have a normal life. "

"Not that again," Kid flared up. "You're talking about you and me; but I told you before, there is no you and me. I don't want there to be a you and me, I want Lou, however she is, sick or well ... only her. I want her to live." From the corner of his eye, Kid saw Sam pulling around the front of the house in his wagon, his children in the back bed, and head into the house as he spoke, but he needed to have this out with Natalie, once and for all, before he went back into the house himself.

Natalie shook her head in disbelief. "I can't believe you," she said angrily. "You actually are that selfish? That ... that sick? You'd prefer that dead body for a wife, for a mother to your children, than ..."

"Than anybody else, yes," Kid said. "So get that straight in your head. The only reason you're in my life right now at all is to help Lou. If she dies, you'll be gone the next day."

"I pity you," Natalie said. "You're obsessed with a ... a corpse, and you're too stupid and selfish to even see how sick it is. How wrong, how unnatural."

Kid was about to retort when Emma came running around the back of the house. "Kid!"

He turned his head and looked up at the woman who was standing on the back porch, her skirts and apron swirling in the wind. "I have ... I have to tell you something ... Kid ..." Her eyes filled with tears and she dropped her face into her hands, weeping. Kid raced toward the steps and caught Emma by the arms, his voice dying in his throat, as Emma whispered hoarsely, "Something terrible just happened."


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 19**

_27 December 1871_

Long and contrite faces gathered around an open grave in Rock Creek's cemetery. The sky was gray and overcast, and the cold wind rustling the leaves announced that a storm was brewing nearby. The howling of a wolf split the silence with a sinister quality that brought about a restless sensation in all those present.

The minister was reading a passage from the Bible while everybody's eyes were fixed on the coffin. Cody had dashed to Rock Creek as soon as they had learned that Lou's health had taken a downturn, and Theresa, heavily pregnant, had come just after him. Even though it was an anticipated death after years of physical and spiritual suffering, that didn't diminish the pain they were all feeling. Another member of their family was gone and in such a terrible way that despair and desolation assaulted the senses of every single soul in the small cemetery. Emptiness and misery had reigned in the core of the family for years and this new blow sank them lower in this dark, tumultuous sea.

Kid kept his dry eyes focused on the casket. For some reason he felt unable to shed a single tear. He had cried so much over the years that it seemed as if he had been completely drained. The pain devoured him and he wanted to cry, he needed to cry, but he just couldn't. Guilt tormented him, feeling that he hadn't done enough... he hadn't cared enough and maybe he could have changed things, but now it was too late... too late and he was gone.

When the minister finished his prayer and delivered his sermon, the women threw bouquets of white dahlias into the grave while the men threw down handfuls of the soil that would become one with his spiritless body. The undertaker took over from the clergyman while the men and women lumbered out of the enclosed cemetery to their carriages and mounts.

Thunder roared while lightning flared in the sky. A flock of swallows fluttered above them, chattering loudly and flying to and fro in a wild, strange combination. An owl hooted in the distance and the horses neighed nervously as their owners came closer. Buck clutched the reins of his mount in a strong hold, and while he talked to the animal in soothing tones, he looked upwards, watching and noticing nature's eerie liveliness. Jimmy noticed his friend's expression and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's strange," Buck observed. "The animals seem to be in a frenzy."

"There's a storm brewing," Jimmy replied. "They're just nervous."

Buck shook his head. "No... it's more than that. It's as if nature could feel something alien in the air... some strange forces."

Jimmy and Cody exchanged a look and then the blonde man asked, "Do you mean something bad?"

"Not necessarily... just something strange."

Soon they were riding towards the ranch where most of the children had stayed under Natalie's care. Jeremiah, Theresa and their spouses had gone ahead; the four former Pony Express riders rode their horses next to the carriage that Sam drove with Emma and Rachel, much in the same way as they had done years ago when they used to go for provisions. The feelings, though, were too different; so much had happened since then and the lively youngsters they had been had turned into men with a heavy load on their shoulders.

"It's hard to believe," Cody broke the silence that had settled on leaving the cemetery. "Teaspoon wasn't a youngin, but... I don't know, you could never believe that somebody like him could actually die one day... especially in this way, drinking himself to death." Last night they had received the tragic news of his death. They had found the old ex-marshal in a ditch a few miles from town, covered in filth and vomit, and his eternal friend, the bottle, next to him.

The feeling that Cody had clumsily tried to explain was understood by his former fellow riders and the women who had lived that unforgettable period with such a special man as Teaspoon had been. "I think his soul died the day Lou was shot," Emma added with a sigh.

Kid sent the woman an anxious glance before reverting his eyes quickly. "He wasn't the only one," he muttered without meeting anybody's eyes. The rest exchanged pained looks, their expressions talking louder than what their voices could express. Despite all the years that had passed, Kid hadn't overcome Lou's loss. Even though he might look contented with his children, he had yet to accept that his wife was gone in more than one sense. His soul had left with Lou's, but Kid's body and mind were alive, and he simply kept going on because of his children. When his children didn't need him anymore, what would happen to him? Teaspoon had fallen into a pit of despair that had eventually meant his death and they all feared Kid might follow a similar direction after years of fake strength. Maybe as long as Lou needed him, he would keep his sanity, but when the inevitable happened...

The group of men continued their ride in silence, reflecting how death and life had affected their family in such a peculiar manner. Somehow Kid was right. They all had lost a part of their souls too the day Lou had met that cruel destiny in the same way as when Ike, Noah or now Teaspoon had died.

Soon the windmill on Kid and Buck's property came into sight and the sounds of children's voices lingered on the air. As they came closer, they realized they were not childish shouts, but terrified screeching. Alarmed, the riders urged the horses forward at full speed at the same time that a bunch of children tore out of the house as if the very devil were after them.

* * *

The fireplace roared with the bright flames burning in its heart, creating a cozy and warm atmosphere. December was a cold month and nobody in their sound mind would foolishly be found lazing in the open. Natalie had gone to the backyard to pick up the dry laundry before the storm reached them. The children had looked for shelter in the house after playing in the yard for a while and they had moved to the living room with their games. Jed and Emma's eldest daughter, Helen, were busy drawing at the big table that presided over the room. The boy had taken out all his crayons and pencils to share with his "cousin". He and Helen Cain got on very well and they were joined by their love of books and study. Helen was the best student at school and Jed felt an honest admiration for his older friend. Among the children in the family she was his most special friend.

In a corner of the living room Sunny and Aurora Cross were playing, both sisters immersed in their own world. The girls knelt near the fireplace as they dressed and undressed the dolls with the assortment of dresses and other items that their mother and Grandpa Bill had given them.

Michael Cain stepped into the living room, coming from the kitchen where he had drunk a glass of cool water. He scanned the room with his blue eyes and not seeing the person he was looking for, he walked to where his sister and Jed McCloud were sitting. "Jed, where's your sister?" he asked.

Without lifting his eyes from the paper he was covering in bright colors and shapes, he said, "I imagine she's with our mother. She spends an awful lot of time up there with her."

His answer sparked the interest of Charlie Thomson, Theresa's stepson. At fourteen Charlie was the oldest boy in the room and as his father had made him come here for reasons he didn't understand, Charlie had been grumpy and resentful since his arrival. His mother had left town to see a friend of hers who was going to have a baby, and in her absence he had to stay with his pa and his new wife, something the boy hated. And then on top of it all, he had now been left with a group of simple, baby bumpkins. Yet, for once his curiosity got the best of him and he asked, "Your dead mother?"

This time Jed met the older boy's eyes and feeling a bit irritated, he snapped, "She ain't dead... only sick."

Helen and her brother exchanged a look while Charlie approached them. He wasn't satisfied with the answer he had received and he asked again, "Is it true that she is sleeping so soundly that she doesn't feel a thing?"

"Yeah, it's true," Jed simply answered.

"Well, I for one don't believe that!" Charlie exclaimed. "If she ain't dead, how is it she can't feel anything? My father says that dying is like sleeping, but you can't be both things. Either you're dead or you're sleeping."

"I don't know," Jed admitted. "My pa says she's not dead and I know she breathes in and out."

The conversation had attracted the attention of the two other girls, who had left their dolls and approached their friends. "Jed, what does she look like?" Helen asked.

"That's her photo with pa when they got married," Jed replied, pointing at the framed pictured on the mantelpiece.

"Silly, I mean now," Helen exclaimed, a bit annoyed at the boy's obtuseness. She had always been curious about her friend's mother but she had never dared to ask him directly since she knew that Jed didn't feel comfortable talking about her. But now that Charlie had opened the can of worms, she had joined in. "I have never seen her and ... I want to know."

Jed shrugged his shoulders in indifference as he added, "She looks kinda weird. She is very thin and sometimes her eyes are slightly open but she can't see anything."

The younger children listened to the boy with obvious interest and apprehension. Aurora clutched her older sister's hand while she watched and clung to Jed's every word in awe. Charlie couldn't keep quiet for long and continued with the same thing. "I know people who die often have their eyes open. My pa saw a lot of folks die in the war."

"She's not dead!" Jed barked again. Pa insisted that he had to call him Cousin Charlie but he wasn't more of a relative than Helen, Michael or Sunny. Charlie wasn't Aunt Theresa's son, just her husband's child. Jed had only seen Charlie a couple of times and in those times he had behaved pretentiously as if he knew best, which irritated Jed completely.

"Jed..." Helen cut off, using her sweetest tone of voice. "Could it be possible for us to go upstairs and see her? I'm quite curious, I have to admit."

"And I would love to see with my own eyes if it's true she doesn't feel a thing," Charlie added.

"I... I don't know," Jed replied hesitantly, feeling cornered by the other children, even by those who kept silent but whose eager expressions told him that they supported the others' request.

Helen took Jed's hand in hers and giving it a big squeeze, she insisted. "Please, please. There's nobody around now. It will only take us a minute and we will be back here by the time Natalie gets back." She smiled her brightest smile and even flapped her lashes several times as her best friend Lila had told her to if she wanted to persuade a man.

Jed felt her cheeks blush and removed his hand from her hold awkwardly while he relented, "All right. We can go, but just for one minute, all right?"

The six children set off, some excited and some apprehensive, as if they were about to live a great adventure like their books were full of. The gray sky outside cast a noticeable shadow in the inside of the house, which was slightly toned down by a few burning lamps. The children climbed the stairs and reached the master bedroom. Jed was wondering whether he had done the right thing by agreeing to show his friends his mother. If Pa got wind of what they were up to, he wouldn't like it. He was very particular about Ma and got irritated when he or Isa fooled around in the bedroom. His father even got annoyed once when Natalie moved around Ma's things. Jed didn't understand why pa was so bothered about that; after all Ma wouldn't know the difference.

As they got closer, they heard a singing voice coming from the bedroom. All the children but Jed stopped and shared an anxious kind of look. "Wh... what's that, Jed?" Helen asked in a nervous voice.

"That's Isa. She sings to Ma when she's with her," the boy explained as he grabbed the doorknob. "She thinks Ma can hear her."

"What a ninny!" Charlie chortled unkindly. "Is she the only loony in the family or are you and your father the same?"

"Shut up, Charlie!" Michael Cain ordered, always quick to defend his best friend. Charlie was the most obnoxious person he had ever met. He came about with his airs of city boy and treated them as if they were all idiots. Michael had a very easy-going personality but sometimes enough was enough.

"Yeah, Charlie, shut up!" Jed added, backing up his friend and sweeping his eyes through the group of children, he asked, "So, do you still want to do this or what?"

Five heads nodded in unison and immediately afterwards Jed turned the knob and opened the door. The children hesitantly followed their friend inside with slow steps; Charlie put on a brave face but he was actually apprehensive to see the woman his stepmother talked about with so much adoration.

The inside of the bedroom was as dark as the rest of the house but for a lamp burning on top of the dresser. The children saw Isa, sitting on the edge of the bed, her back turned to the door and thus blocking the view. She was singing some kind of lullaby but hearing steps behind her, she stopped and turned her head. "What are you all doing here?" the girl asked with a reproachful expression.

"We just want to see your ma, Isa," Helen replied as they all came closer and had a look at the woman lying in the bed, and covered to her neck in blankets.

"Jed, Pa's not gonna like this," Isa reminded her with a stern expression.

"He doesn't need to know," the boy retorted cockily. "We're not going to tell him and I doubt "_she_" will open her mouth either."

"I hate it when you do that. Why do you have to be so mean to her?" Isa exclaimed.

Jed ignored his sister and turned to observe the other children. They stood behind the iron-wrought bed foot. Buck's girls stared at Lou with big, stunned eyes while the older children simply looked at her with open curiosity. "She looks very pale, but peaceful," Helen muttered, her voice tinged with compassion.

"I told you so... she seems as if she were sleeping," Jed replied.

Charlie snorted and a wicked idea took shape in his head. "And how do you know she's not faking it?"

"Yeah, right," Michael replied sarcastically. "She's been faking it for years. What on earth for?"

Charlie didn't mind his words and walked to the side of the bed, just opposite where Isa was sitting. Without any preambles the boy gruffly uncovered Lou. "Hey! What are you doing?" Isa exclaimed in a loud voice, her forehead creased in irritation. Nobody else said anything and kept watching in a mixture of shock and astonishment how the older boy then pinched on her right scrawny arm. "Stop it!" Isa screamed, flinging her arms at the boy to no avail since she didn't want her mother to get caught in the middle. "You're gonna hurt her!" she continued in the same tone as tears appeared in her eyes.

The older boy snickered as he tightened his fingers on Lou's skin. "Why the fuss, ninny? Don't you say she can't feel a thing?"

"But you're gonna bruise her arm!" Isa barked, the tears trickling down her face. "Jed, tell him to stop! Tell him!" When it was clear that her brother or anybody else weren't going to move a finger, she jumped to her feet and rounded the bed in a flash towards the boy who was twice her size. She lunged against him but using his free hand, Charlie gave her a strong push, making her fall.

Charlie guffawed at the expression of Isa's face, red with frustration and crying. Finally, Jed and Michael protested, moving toward the other boy, as the girls scolded furiously at the outrage.

As the children argued like a flock of clucking chickens in the barnyard around the bed and its silent occupant … the limp arm in Charlie's hand jerked suddenly and seized his arm in its scrawny fingers.

The other children screamed in a high-pitched chorus before running out of the room in terror, scrambling to get past one another at the door. Once he managed to get his arm loose from Lou's clutches, Charlie flashed past the smaller children on the stairs and yelling more loudly than the others together.

Only Isa remained behind, creeping cautiously to her mother's side and peering at her intently. "Mama?"

As they flashed out of the house, they saw the adults galloping towards them. The men jumped off the horses before they had come to a halt. Buck's girls lunged to their father's arms, sobbing loudly. Jed reached his father and Kid immediately asked with concern, "Jed, what's wrong?"

It took the boy a few minutes to then his breath back and then he wheezed, "It's Ma."

At his words Kid grew visibly worried. It was true her fever had broken last night, but he feared she might have taken a downturn. He breathed in anxiously and asked again, "What about her?"

"She moved. We were in the bedroom and she..."

The worry eased from Kid's face, replaced by an annoyed expression. "Jed, what were you doing there? That's not a place to play. You know that... I've told you dozens of times."

"We weren't playing," Jed muttered with an unhappy face. "Isa is there all the time and you never say anything."

"Your sister keeps her company," Kid replied, regretting his previous outburst. With Lou's health at risk and Teaspoon dying, his nerves were on edge and the smallest thing set him off.

While Sam was trying to appease Helen and Michael, Emma had been listening to the exchange between Kid and his son. All the children were very upset and she couldn't help but be curious about the young boy's words. "Jed, what is it you said? Your ma moved?"

The boy nodded, and before he could say anything else, Kid cut in, "Emma, you know that she stirs and moans... at times. Lately she's been agitated with the fever... you know." Emma nodded; the children must have gotten startled, especially since Lou in that state wasn't a nice sight. "I'll go and see what these troublemakers were up to in the room," Kid added as he started towards the house.

"I'll rustle up something for the children then," the woman offered with a smile.

Kid raised his hand to convey his thanks. When he stepped into his house, he saw Natalie coming from the kitchen to the living room, and he gruffly commented before he could control himself. "Where were you? The children were up in my wife's bedroom while under your supervision!"

"I was picking up the laundry!" Natalie barked back. "I was gone for a minute and they were happily playing in the living room!"

Kid didn't even try to reply. He knew he was behaving unfairly but since their conversation last night, he couldn't help but feel very irritated. He was regretting more and more what he did with Natalie. She was his employee, he was married and he had crossed a line that should never have been crossed. And perhaps worst of all, he had given her hope that there was an open door for them. He had actually grown fond of Natalie over the years, but he had never seriously entertained romantic ideas about her. Of course he admitted to himself that he found her very attractive. But he had taken a vow before God and Lou that there would never be another in his life, in sickness and in health. Nobody was good enough to fill her shoes and he painfully regretted giving in to temptation with Natalie.

Because of all this, the situation had to change. He just couldn't keep Natalie in the house now, especially after what she had said last night. Today he would talk to her without fail and he'd let her go. He had seen a very nasty side of her and he didn't feel safe to trust his wife's life in the hands of somebody who was so resentful and bitter. It didn't matter if she had been perfect so far; he couldn't have her under his roof any longer, especially when she had implied clearly that she wouldn't give up on her seducing games. He was sure that he wouldn't fall in her trap again but the sooner she was gone the better. It wouldn't be easy and Kid was sorry for the children, especially Jed, who adored her, but he just couldn't have Natalie in his home any longer. He hoped that the advertisement he was going to send with Jimmy would receive a prompt answer and thus the peace would return to his home.

Kid reached the bedroom and on entering, the first thing he saw was Isa, clutching the brass posts at the foot of the bed and staring at the opposite end. "Isa," Kid called as he crossed the length of the bedroom, "Aunt Emma is making some dinner for all the children. Go down to the kitchen, honey."

"But Pa! I want to..."

"Isa, no arguments, please. Do as I told you."

"Yes, Pa..." With an unhappy expression she shuffled out of the room. Kid crossed over to the bed and noticed that the blankets were in disarray, leaving Lou's body defenseless against the cold air. "All we need is for you to get a cold on top of it all," he muttered as he rearranged the bedding round her body and tucked her in. His hand automatically moved to check the temperature on her forehead, but he stopped half way in midair, frozen. Her eyes were open, not the way he was used to, but focused on him, really focused and revealing the big brown pools he loved so much. A wave of heat and emotion coursed over all his body; he was so shocked he couldn't even think or say a single word, especially when he saw her mouth open to speak.

"Kid..." she mumbled in such a tiny voice that the rest of the words were lost to his understanding.

He was so stunned that he was only able to manage a clumsy 'What?'

He then saw her mouth shape into a smile, a smile on those lips that had been lifeless for eight long years and now they actually smiled... Lou was smiling, looking at him, he kept repeating in his mind and then the words came out of her mouth again, "Kid, when are you going to get in bed with me?"

Suddenly, a fit of coughing, triggered by the big effort to utter the words, assaulted her. "Hold on, hold on," Kid exclaimed shakily as he quickly poured a glass of water from the pitcher, spilling more than he actually managed to get into the cup. Very gently he placed his hand under her back and lifting her body slightly, he helped her drink from the glass. Lou gulped the fresh water eagerly. The coughs gradually disappeared and her breathing, although a bit too quick, started to sound more stable. "You feeling better?"

"Yeah..." she whispered and as he laid her on the bed again, she closed her eyes, feeling exhausted and worn-out.

The gesture made him very afraid all of a sudden and without even considering anything else, he placed his hands on her shoulders and shook her a bit too roughly. Lou's eyes fluttered open once again and he said in an anxious voice, "Please Lou, don't go to sleep."

"I..." she tried to speak but paused for second. Kid lowered his head near hers to hear her and she tried again. "I'm very... tired," she managed to whisper hoarsely. Her voice sounded strange as if it didn't belong to her and her throat hurt whenever she tried to utter a single sound.

"I know, sweetheart. But humor me in this. Just stay awake, you have to stay awake," Kid said as he straightened up. Lou didn't reply and kept her half-open eyes focused on him. He smiled but all his self wanted to cry. He was still in disbelief, and wondered if he was actually dreaming, but it was real, it was real. "Lou, will you excuse me... just five seconds. I'll be back in a sec, and please stay awake."

Louise simply nodded tiredly and Kid dashed out of the bedroom, calling Buck's name in an almost desperate tone. As he came closer to the banister, he looked down and saw not only Buck but his other friends appear, alarmed by Kid's cries. "Buck, please, go and find Dr. Harris and bring him here as soon as possible."

"What's wrong?" Sam asked.

Kid shook his head and a smile appeared on his lips, and he blurted out, "Lou's awake, Lou's awake, Lou's awake." He kept repeating the same words over and over again, each time more loudly than the last as if they sounded more real now that they were out in the air.

Buck didn't stop to consider Kid's words and set off to town while Kid hurried back to the bedroom with a hopeful face, which clearly contrasted with the bitter, grave face that had been watching him from a discreet corner.

In the room Lou felt her eyes heavier and heavier. A powerful force urged her to let go. She wasn't strong enough and little by little her eyes closed until she succumbed and her senses left her once again.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 20**

_27 December 1871_

"Lou..." Kid called once again, shaking his wife energetically, but gently enough so as not to harm her weak body, trying to keep her awake by all means.

Lou's eyes opened for the fifth time since Kid had returned to the room and had found her asleep. Terror had gripped his soul as he had seen her closed eyes, and in his fear he had almost hurt her when he had eagerly shaken her awake. He had even let out a loud cry in relief when she had come to life again. Kid was afraid that she might slip out of him into that living death she had been trapped for those last years and as she made the least attempt to close her eyes, he did everything to keep her awake.

"Please let me sleep," Lou uttered through half-closed eyes.

"Lou, you have to keep awake. The doctor's on his way. He won't be long..."

"The doctor?" she drawled in the same husky voice.

Kid paused briefly, wondering what he could tell her. "Honey... you've been very sick and we need to be sure you're ok."

Exhausted and sleepy as she was, Lou heard him without much enthusiasm and only half of his words reached her understanding. "I'm fine... I'm just tired and..." she paused and added, "and hungry."

Kid smiled, his heart pounding wildly as he witnessed in disbelief that the miracle he had prayed for was actually happening. This was too big, too wonderful, too incredible, but it was real... so real. "You can't imagine how glad I am to hear you say that. I'll make you something very nice when the doctor says you can eat."

A knock on the door interrupted them and Kid called a "come-in". Doctor Harris appeared and his face changed to surprise as his eyes saw that what Buck Cross had told him was true. He didn't have any reason to believe that the man would fool him in such a serious matter, but it was totally impossible that Mrs. McCloud could come to after her brain had been idle for so many years. It seemed, he thought as the doctor's spectacled eyes fell on Lou's open ones, that he had to reconsider what was possible and impossible in his personal book.

Kid slipped his arm under her back to help her rest on the pillows, propped against the headboard. As soon as he tried to move her body, Lou let out a screech that startled him. "Lou! Lou! What's wrong?" he called almost in despair.

"It hurts... oh it hurts so much!" she cried breathlessly. The pain made her eyes moist and the drowsy sensation disappeared completely. She didn't know what was happening to her. She was feeling very strange but she didn't know why. Why did Kid say she had been sick? She didn't remember falling ill.

Turning her head, she realized with a sudden shock that Kid was the one who looked like he'd been sick; his face was older, his hair was gray. And Dr. Harris also appeared different... he had lost most of his hair and the few patches left were snowy white. But the realization that something had happened, something bad, was swallowed up in the throbbing pain.

"What, Lou? Where are you hurting?"

"All my body... it hurts too much," she moaned.

"It's natural... considering...," Dr Harris said and Kid nodded in understanding. He imagined that after being immobile for so long, Lou's body was sore and tender. Kid prayed that Lou could recover fully without further suffering. She deserved to have a full life and if God had brought her back, it could just be too cruel if she had to go though more torment.

Instructed by the doctor, Kid positioned Lou as best as he could, helping her rest against his chest. "Better like this?" he asked as he carefully clasped his arms around her skinny body. All Lou could do was nod and smile tiredly when Kid placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. Dr. Harris started examining her as he kept muttering almost to himself. "It's incredible... just incredible."

"Everything all right, Doc?" Kid asked when the physician had finished his examination.

"Just perfect. There are no physical problems as far as I've seen. Her extreme thinness will be gone as soon as she starts eating properly," the doctor explained and addressing Lou this time he added, "Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?" Lou shrugged her shoulders and the doctor started, "Can you tell me your full name, Ma'am?"

Louise narrowed her eyes, not understanding what all this was about; Dr. Harris knew very well who she was. She was very tired, her body hurt like hell and every time she spoke she felt as if dozens of sharp needles pricked her throat. Yet, she didn't protest. The sooner she was done with this, the sooner she'd be able to rest. "Louise McCloud," she finally replied unenthusiastically.

"And how old are you... may I ask?" Dr. Harris continued.

"I'm twenty-one."

The doctor and Kid exchanged a look and the physician carried on with his questions. "And, Ma'am, do you have children?"

She nodded, smiling finally, and answered, "I have a beautiful baby boy. You should remember that; you assisted me in his delivery and almost had to assist my husband too..." She started to giggle slightly as the memories unfolded in her mind, but suddenly her happy face darkened as other memories overlapped the sweeter ones. "There were some horrible men in the bank... they were going to hurt Jed... they were going to hurt my baby..." That was it … that was what they weren't telling her, she realized with horror. "Jed," she screamed. "They killed him, didn't they?"

"Please Lou, calm down!" Kid tried to appease her. "Jed's fine."

"You mustn't get this upset, Mrs. McCloud," the doctor added. "It doesn't do you any good."

Their words didn't soothe her fears, and all she could think of was her baby. Lou scanned the room anxiously for her baby's crib, and on not finding it where it used to be, she panicked, "Where's my baby, Kid? Where's my baby? I want to see my baby!"

"Lou, please... I told you. Jed's fine," Kid repeated while he steeled his hold around her frame. Lou was very nervous and in her distraught state she was leaning forward, and he was afraid that she might take a fall and hurt herself. Her body was so frail... he knew every inch of it after taking care of her for all these years. There was hardly flesh on her frame... just skin and bones like many years ago he had teased her about. Now there was no joke about it; she was really only skin and bones and any sudden movement could result in her breaking a bone or worse. "Please, Lou, you have to calm down."

"You're lying, aren't you? Something's happened to Jed or where is he? I want to see my baby!" she shouted so loudly that almost startled Kid. She didn't care that her throat and her whole body hurt terribly. She only cared about the fear that her beautiful baby had been hurt and only when she could hold him in her arms and see for herself that he was actually fine, would she be satisfied. "I want to see my baby," she repeated, her eyes begging to Kid. "Please."

Kid shared a look with the doctor who nodded. Lou wouldn't give up until she didn't see Jed with her own eyes, but he just couldn't bring her an eight year old when she expected to see a small baby. He first needed to tell her what had happened to her. This wasn't really the right moment. Lou was too upset and Kid didn't feel he could keep that conversation with a cool demeanor. Kid hoped to explain everything to her under more appropriate circumstances... after reflecting on how he could tell her something so hard. However he told her, it would surely come as a shock, but if he had time to think it through, he'd be able to choose the words carefully. "Lou, all right. You'll see Jed a bit later."

"I want to see my baby now!" Lou insisted, her lips quivering as the image of that horrible man gruffly holding Jed kept replaying in her mind over and over again. "What are you hiding from me?"

Kid sighed wearily. "All right, all right. I'll bring you Jed now." The man looked at the doctor for confirmation and the old physician simply nodded silently. Kid turned his attention back to his wife and added, "But, Lou, first there's something I need to tell you."

His words alarmed and filled her with utter terror. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "Something happened to him, didn't it? Didn't it, Kid? Please tell me. What has happened to our baby?"

"Lou, I told you. Jed's fine...but I need to tell you..."

"I don't want to know anything! I just want to see my boy!"

"But Lou..."

"I want to see my boy!" Lou repeated loudly, not giving Kid the chance to explain himself. "I want to see my son!"

Kid knew that it was a lost battle. Lou was as stubborn as ever, and he wouldn't manage to change her mind. Even though her demands sounded like music to his ears, he wished she could be reasonable and hear him out this time. "All right, then. You want to see Jed, you'll see Jed," he finally relented as he gently laid her down on the bed again.

"I'll come back in a bit, honey," Kid whispered as he placed a kiss on her temple. Lou smiled again, which sent a warming sensation to Kid's heart. He had always loved her smile and seeing it now after so many years was simply amazing.

Kid walked out with Dr. Harris and as soon as the door closed behind them, the physician exclaimed, "It's simply incredible... just unbelievable. If I hadn't seen her with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it!"

"I'm still in shock myself," Kid admitted. "We'd all lost our hopes she'd wake up. You can't imagine what all this means to me..."

"Yeah, I guess so. But Mr. McCloud, your wife's case is much bigger than that. Your wife has neither physical nor brain damage after all these years!" Dr. Harris explained as they started down the stairs. "Do you understand how rare that is? She might be a bit disoriented and sore... she just needs to exercise her muscles and eat properly. Other than that, she's fine." Kid nodded with a bright smile and the doctor added, "However, Mr. McCloud, I would be wary of her recovery if I were you."

A crease of concern marred Kid's contented countenance as he asked, "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, I've never had a patient like your wife... I imagine that few doctors have... but I know that sometimes quick recoveries are nothing but an illusion, a mirage, and the patient might relapse into the same state as before or... even worse."

"Do you mean my wife can become unconscious again?"

"It's a possibility, I'm afraid," the doctor replied with a tired voice.

"Oh God!" Kid explained, throwing his hands up in frustration. If what the doctor said was true, that would be worse than not having Lou wake up at all. Since the moment his wife had come back to life, happiness had warmed his heart, the future appearing before his eyes in a totally different light from the dark reality he had to face every day. But if he lost her again, it would be totally shattering and he didn't even want to think of that possibility.

"Let's pray she's come back for good," Dr. Harris added.

They reached the end of the stairs and at once they were surrounded by a little crowd of adults and children. All the family had gathered in Kid's living room, waiting to hear fresh news about Lou. Kid had only told them that Louise was awake, which had caught them all by surprise, and now they were dying to know how she really was.

"Kid, how is she?" Emma asked after they all bid the doctor goodbye.

"She's fine..." Kid replied warily. After what Dr. Harris had told him, worry had taken a strong grip of his soul and the smile didn't come so easily to his lips. He didn't want to sound too optimistic as if that would somehow attract bad luck. "She's fine."

"Kid, is it true my sister is awake... really awake?" Jeremiah asked, not quite believing what the others had come announcing.

"As awake as you and I are now," Kid replied.

"And is she talking?" Jimmy asked this time.

"Her voice sounds a bit hoarse... but yeah, she's talking... right now she just got in one of her stubborn moods, you know..." Kid explained, unable to hide the happiness bubbling in his insides.

"Same old Lou," Cody piped in. "Before we know it, she'll be bossing us around."

"And I imagine that a certain somebody won't mind that a bit, will you, Kid?" Sam added, nudging his friend teasingly.

Kid smiled in admission. "I'm even looking forward to bearing her quick temper," Kid replied as all his friends laughed alongside. The day was turning so strange. Life had snatched Teaspoon from them, and just a few hours later it had given them Lou back. The tears of the morning had turned into afternoon smiles and laughter. Life could be so paradoxical.

"Kid, can we go and see her?" Theresa asked, dying to see her sister and give her a hug and a kiss.

"I'd rather you wait... maybe tomorrow," he replied. "She's a bit disoriented."

"It's natural," Rachel agreed. She was so stunned that she didn't even know what to think and could hardly believe what Kid was saying.

"Yeah..." Kid added and scanning the group in front of him, he finally located his son, his arm wrapped around Natalie's slender waist. His eyes briefly met her cold, scornful ones, an image that unsettled him and even scared him. He needed to let her go as soon as possible, he was totally convinced, but right now he had more urgent matters to tend to. He looked at his son and said, "Jed, Ma's been asking for you. She wants to see you now."

Jed automatically searched Natalie's eyes while his hand held onto her waist more tightly. The woman smiled, her silence speaking in a language that the boy seemed to understand. "I don't want to go there!" Jed exclaimed as he turned his attention to his father.

"Jed, this is not something open for discussion. Your mother is awake and wants to see you," Kid replied in a stern tone.

"But I don't want to see her!" the boy repeated in a loud tone. "Please don't make me!"

Before Kid could say anything, Natalie cut in. She caressed the boy's sandy-haired head with her hand while saying, "Honey, you remember what you learned in Sunday school last week? We Christians need to be merciful with those who deserve our pity. Your poor mama will be contented with just seeing you, and I'm sure a good boy like you can find in your heart the compassion to be charitable for a needy soul like hers."

Kid had to bite his tongue not to lash out to the woman in front of his friends and the children. He didn't like the way Natalie talked about Lou and her words made him question whether this woman who had taken care of his wife for all these years had been a good election after all. Unlike his sister, Jed had always had a certain apprehension about Lou, and Kid wondered if letting him get too attached to Natalie had been his worst mistake.

Kid kept glaring at Natalie in silence and the woman lifted her chin, meeting his eyes cockily. The expression of his other friends in the room showed that they didn't approve of Natalie's choice of words, but none said a word, not wanting to spoil the joyous and special moment they had longing for with inappropriate remarks.

"Pa! Pa!" Isa called, tugging her father's jacket for attention. When Kid shifted his eyes to her smiling face, she asked, "Did Ma ask for me too?"

Kid cleared his throat uncomfortable, exchanging a knowing look with Emma. "Uh... sweetheart, I think you better see her another time... Tomorrow will be the ideal time for that," he replied, choosing his words carefully. He knew it wouldn't be easier for Lou to accept that the baby she had last seen was not a baby anymore. Learning that she had a daughter she didn't know existed would be too much to digest for her, and he wanted to protect her as much as he could. At the same time, he didn't want to break his sweet girl's heart. Isa had grown very attached to her mother over the years and it would be bitterly disappointing for her to learn that she didn't exist for Lou.

"Doesn't she want to see me?" Isa asked, her lower lip quivering and her eyes filling with tears.

"It's not that, honey," Kid exclaimed, bending over and wiping the tears from her eyes with his thumbs. Isa stared at him, expecting an explanation, but Kid just couldn't come up with a logical reason why she couldn't see Lou now.

After a second's hesitation, he finally relented, "All right, we three are going to say hi to ma." In for a penny, in for a pound, he thought ruefully. Lou would eventually have to learn she had a daughter and maybe it was better she got all the surprises together. The truth was that he was still so shaken that she didn't know how to cope with the situation. He hadn't counted on deciding over this, and even though he was sure that this wasn't the best way to deal with the matter, he didn't know what else to do. Upstairs Lou was demanding to see a son who didn't want to see her while Lou was totally unaware of the mere existence of her daughter who adored her and was eager to go to her.

Kid and his children climbed the stairs towards the bedroom. Jed walked with a grave expression while Isa cheerfully hopped her way along. Kid instructed them to be on their best behavior and wait outside for a moment since Ma was still a bit under the weather and needed peace and quiet. When they reached the bedroom, he opened the door and called, "Lou?"

"What took you so long?" Lou replied in a whining tone, which made Kid smile as he walked in. It amazed him to hear her voice after the unbearable silence he had put up with for so many years.

Lou was propped up on the pillows as Kid entered and shut the door behind him. "Where's Jed?" she demanded, growing frightened again. "Why are you stalling - -"

"Before I bring him in, I have to tell you he's changed," Kid talked over her. Seeing her terrified face, he took her hands in his and looked into her eyes. "Lou, you've been sick for a long time. Years."

A creeping chill started in Lou's heart. She had seen for herself that she had grown terribly thin, and she had still been pudgy and full of curves from having Jed just yesterday … and Kid did look so very different. But she shook her head, trying not to believe what he was saying.

"You got hurt in the bank robbery, not Jed," Kid said firmly. "And a long, long time has passed since that day. Jed is very changed, but he's healthy."

Lou passed a hand over her face, confused. She didn't know if she was crazy, or dreaming, or … or if Kid was lying. "I don't understand, but I want to see my son," she insisted stubbornly.

"You understand that he's a big boy now, not a baby?" Kid pressed. He didn't want to subject the children to a bad reaction to this news, and he had to make sure Lou could handle it before he allowed them in, no matter how much Lou insisted on seeing her baby.

Lou nodded, mute with confusion and terror. She would say anything to see her little boy. Kid nodded back dubiously and went to the door to bring in Jed, who came and stood by the door awkwardly with joyful Isa beside him. The boy didn't move an inch and Lou swept her horrified eyes between her husband and the child. He was an exact replica of Kid's features, but her mind shut down at the shock of seeing a boy instead of the baby she remembered. "No! That's not my Jed! You're lying!"

Kid ignored her words and even though it pained to see her reaction, he needed to tell her the whole truth now. "And when you got sick, Lou, you were with child and nine months later our Isa was born. This is your daughter, Lou. We have two beautiful, healthy children, a boy and a girl."

Lou's mind reeled, staring at the little girl. It was like looking into a mirror when she was a child herself, but for Kid's bright blue eyes in the little thin face bordered by brunette pigtails. What little control she had over herself was shattered, she couldn't understand why Kid was playing these cruel games, who these children were, where her son was and what had happened to him. She needed the truth and not all these ridiculous lies.

"Stop lying!" Lou screamed in despair. "Why are you doing this to me? Tell me where my baby is! I want my baby!"

"There's no baby, Lou. This is our son... he grew up while you were sick."

"No! No! That's not my son! That's not my son! She sobbed as tears started cascading her eyes. "I want my baby! I want my baby!"

Seeing Lou's reaction, Jed got scared and while Kid tried to appease Louise, the boy scurried out of the room. Isa stared at her mother and her own eyes filled with tears. "Mama, please don't cry."

Lou kept wailing and calling her ghost baby over and over again, deaf and blind to everything around her. As Isa talked behind him, Kid turned to her and said, "Please Isa, leave now. Ma's very upset. Be a good girl."

The girl nodded and after casting a last look at her mother and father from the door, she walked out. Lou's despairing wails had turned to quiet sobs while Kid kept talking to her in soothing tones. "Lou, love, I know it's difficult to believe, but it's the truth. We have two wonderful children. They've been the only reason for me to smile and keep on living during all these years you've been absent from my life. You can't imagine how much I've missed you, but now you're back and we four will start to walk the road together. Now everything will be fine... everything will be fine."

Tears continued running freely from Lou's closed eyes as she listened to her husband. All this was so shockingly big that her mind resisted understanding, believing, trusting... It was easier to think that he was lying, that all this was a big lie, but her heart told her the opposite. Where was her life then? Was all this a cruel dream she was unable to wake from? The last images imprinted on her mind were of her baby and the fear that had shaken her when those men had snatched him from her hold. All her self had ached to save her son from those brutes and hug him safely against her chest. The same longing coursed her whole body now, but her baby didn't exist anymore, that much was clear. She'd never see his contented smile after nursing him, or hear his beautiful babbling sounds... sounds that seemed to have been directed to her alone, joining them together in a special way. All that was gone...and as the reality sank in her heart, she sobbed bitterly, grieving for the baby she had lost and everything she'd never get back.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 21**

_28 December 1872_

Kid trudged down the stairs, intending to go out to the barn to tend to the stock, though he longed to hover by Lou's bed. He had kept awake all night anxiously watching her from his position on the chair by the bed. All night he wondered if she would wake up from this sleep, which to his relief seemed different from her earlier state, when she was all but dead to the world. Now, she murmured in her sleep, her eyes moving under her eyelids; in her rambling, he could make out his name and Jed's, and twice in the night she had jolted awake, terrified and sobbing. "I had a dream," she wept into his chest. "I dreamed that I woke up and everything was different, everyone was changed except me." He had held her until the sobs stilled each time, until she relaxed in his arms and dropped back into the sleep he knew she needed yet he feared just the same.

Rachel and Jimmy were in the kitchen, sitting quietly with cups of coffee. "How is she?" Rachel asked anxiously, pouring Kid a cup of coffee.

"You stayed last night?" Kid remarked, sitting down with a thud beside Jimmy and accepting a cup of coffee.

"Yes... Natalie went home, so I thought you might need some help with Lou. It's so wonderful, Kid. I never thought in a million years we'd live to hear her voice again."

The mention of Natalie's name brought a stab of guilt through Kid. He looked at Rachel and something in her eyes, the way she said Natalie's name, and the friendship of seven years between the women, made him guess, "You know, don't you? She told you?" When she shifted her eyes to Jimmy, Kid added, "Jimmy knows what happened."

Rachel fiddled with her cup uncomfortably. "Yes. We talked about it. She is really in love with you, Kid, and this is hard for deal with. She never knew Lou, you see, other than as she's been these last eight years. But I'm sure she knows there's no chance now for the two of you."

"There never was a chance," Kid said steadily.

Rachel shrugged. "Well, Kid, you looked at her like you felt otherwise, lots of times. I saw it; and you certainly acted like it that time, didn't you?"

Kid looked down at his cup, defeated. "I noticed her," he admitted wretchedly.

"That don't mean anything," Jimmy interrupted. "Noticing, wantin'. That's what men do. She's a beautiful woman who was right under his nose for the last seven years, he'd be ... well, he wouldn't be a man if he didn't have a few good looks at her. He had a moment of weakness. So what? That ain't love."

"Whatever it was, at the time it happened, nobody thought it would hurt Lou," Rachel said. "It's different now, of course, now that Lou's awake. That's the important thing, that Lou's awake. The other thing is water under the bridge, and nobody has to know about it," she added.

Jimmy was nodding in agreement when to his surprise, Kid said, "No, Lou has to know."

"Are you out of your mind?" Jimmy hissed, slamming his own cup down and leaping to his feet, sending the chair to the floor with a clatter.

"It's the right thing to do, confess -"

"Confess my rear end!" Jimmy said, his voice rising until Rachel got up and put a restraining hand on his arm. "You'll break her heart, for no reason. What happened, happened. There's no undoing it, no making it better. She's gone through enough without havin' to hear somethin' like that, just so you can ease your damn conscience," he said, still furious. "Don't do it," he ordered, his eyes cold and glittering with barely suppressed rage and, Kid knew, the embers of a burning love for Lou that he'd carried for over eleven years and buried deep in his heart for the sake of his two dearest friends. "Don't hurt her like that or I swear I'll k-"

"Jimmy, no," Rachel pleaded, speaking over his last words desperately. "Don't say it."

"I won't tell her now," Kid said dully. "She's not strong enough. But when she is, I have to."

Rachel stroked Jimmy's arm gently, watching the gunfighter's face as he struggled with his emotions. Finally he shook off Rachel's hands and started toward the door. He jerked it open, pausing without turning, as he said, "She's lost eight years of her life, Kid. Don't do anything to make her unhappy now, Kid, don't," he said, and now his voice was different from before, not angry or threatening but pleading. "Please at least think about what you're doing and why, before you hurt her more."

He was through the door and striding quickly away before Kid or Rachel could respond.

* * *

With her eyes still closed Louise mentally went through the events of the day before and a prayer formed on her lips, wishing with all her heart that those images were simply dreams. She wanted to believe that if she opened her eyes, she would see the crib and Jed sleeping contentedly in it. Yet, she knew she hadn't been dreaming and all she would be able to see was a reality that didn't belong to her. She was very scared and wanted to keep sleeping till the end of time. However, her proud nature and the image of Kid kicked her spirit into action and she told herself that she needed to face whatever she had to. Lou McCloud had never been a coward and this time wouldn't be different.

Suddenly, she noticed the presence of somebody next to her and even could feel that some eyes were boring onto her skin. Kid loved watching her sleep and more than once she had woken up to find him gawking at her. However, she knew that this time it wasn't him. Her eyes slowly opened and she found the smiling face of that little girl, looking at her. Her daughter. That was what Kid had said and even though it sounded so incredible, she knew it was true. This was her daughter, blood of her blood, flesh of her flesh, and she didn't even know her name. Had Kid told her yesterday? She couldn't remember. Lou kept looking at the girl in silence. Her eyes were as blue and bright as Kid's, but the rest of her features were Lou's through and through: brown, straight hair, a tiny nose, thin lips and the expression reminded Louise of her own so much that she thought she was looking at her reflection in a mirror. She couldn't deny this little girl belonged to her and the idea that her own daughter was a complete stranger sent a stabbing pain to her heart, even as she began to feel the starts of a connection and love for the sweet little girl.

After a few minutes Isa's smile widened and she exclaimed, "Oh Mama, I'm so glad you're already awake!" Before Lou could react, the little girl threw her arms around her neck, hugging her and planting a soft kiss on her cheek. Letting go, she brushed her little hand over Lou's arm softly. "Did Cousin Charlie hurt you, Ma?"

"Cousin Charlie?" Lou repeated, her eyes fixed unblinkingly on the girl.

"Yeah, he's Aunt Theresa's stepson," Isa explained matter-of-factly.

"Tessie's stepson?" Louise echoed again, her eyes as wide as saucers.

"Yeah, and she's going to have a baby soon," Isa replied with a big smile. "I'm so looking forward to seeing the new baby but... but I don't like Cousin Charlie. He's a bully and a brute. He was so mean to you yesterday. I tried to stop him but he pushed me out of the way," Isa explained, her smile faltering as she remembered how Charlie had savagely pinched her mother's arm. She pursed her lips and her forehead creased in a frown as she continued, "Jed shouldn't have brought him and the others here. He knows we aren't allowed to disturb you, Mama, but Pa was at Grandpa Teaspoon's funeral and Jed thought he could get away with it."

"Teaspoon's funeral?" Louise whispered in shock, her voice thick and almost unable to utter the words.

"I'm sad he died," Isa carried on. "He was kind of sweet. I never talked much to him because he was sick too. I liked him even though he once bumped into me and made me fall. I cried a lot then, and Pa got upset with him too, but Pa explained to me that Grandpa Teaspoon hadn't meant to hurt me. Pa said that Grandpa was sick and that's why I think he always drank so much from that medicine bottle he had, and ..."

Isa's speech was cut short when Kid stepped into the bedroom and exclaimed, "Isa, what are you doing here?"

"Me and Mama have been talking," the girl replied, smiling in Lou's direction while all Louise could do was stare at the girl in stunned silence.

Kid walked closer to the bed where his two girls were lying and his eyes studied Lou's face. Lou didn't move or speak up as she watched Isa. "That's very good, honey, but you know what I told you yesterday, Ma needs her rest." Isa nodded, not very happy at her father's mild rebuke, and Kid added, "Come on, sweetheart. Go and get dressed now."

"And can I come back later to talk to Mama?" Isa asked, her big eyes begging for her father's permission.

"We'll see," Kid simply said.

Isa was not satisfied with that answer, but she didn't protest. Instead she turned to her mother and whispered as if she were telling a secret, "Mama, I have to go now." She planted a new kiss on Lou's cheek and easing off the big bed she scurried away.

Kid walked a bit closer and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Good morning, honey," he greeted her with a smile while taking her hand in his. "How are you feeling today?"

Louise locked eyes with her husband and instead of answering his question, she said, "Teaspoon died." The pained look he gave her confirmed what her daughter had told her. Lou burst out crying, bringing her hands to cover her face as she sobbed miserably. Quickly Kid wrapped his arms around her frame and lifted her body, bringing her against him. Louise wailed louder; she didn't know what hurt her more, the physical pain as Kid moved her or the bitterness she felt for the loss of Teaspoon. Kid hugged her tightly, caressing her short hair and at some point he noticed his own eyes were moist with tears and he started crying alongside Lou. He hadn't allowed himself to shed a single tear for Teaspoon. It was as if his soul hadn't had room for more grief, as the pain he had felt for Lou had been too big and captivating. Hearing and seeing his wife cry for the man that had been like a father to both of them made something inside him click and he realized how much he missed Teaspoon, and not only now that he was dead, but long before that. Emma was right. They had lost Teaspoon the day Lou had been shot and only now Kid realized how much his loss affected him.

The married couple remained in a close embrace. The tears and sobs gradually subsided. Kid laid Lou back down on the bed and using a handkerchief he wiped her tears. Lou stared at him as he rearranged the bedding around her body, making sure she was well tucked in. "Did he suffer, Kid?" Lou asked after a few seconds.

Kid stopped his movements and directed his eyes to her. He knew that Teaspoon had it hard for years, having his soul tormented not only by the pain but also by guilt. The last years of his existence had been a living agony and even though Kid wished he could tell Lou that Teaspoon had gone from this world peacefully, he just couldn't. Kid nodded to her question and added, "He'd have loved to see you back in health again."

Louise sighed painfully, choking the tears that were pushing their way out. "I'd have loved to have the chance to say goodbye."

Kid shifted his eyes from her and resumed the rearranging of the sheets and blankets. He wished he had said goodbye to Teaspoon too. In fact, he hadn't talked to Teaspoon much for the last eight years. Teaspoon had died such a lonely death when so many loved him and now it was too late to make amends.

"Kid, I ... I want to know everything... good or bad. I want to know."

He nodded. "We'll have more than enough time to talk... just little by little. You can't overstrain yourself on the first day," Kid said. As soon as he had heard her words, the image of him and Natalie on the kitchen floor had rushed to his mind regretfully. He'd eventually have to tell her about his unfaithfulness as he had told Jimmy and Rachel... he just couldn't hide something so big from her, but this wasn't the moment. Lou needed to regain her strength and he could see that she was totally dazed. It was a lot to take on and it was understandable that Lou was a wreck. When she had completely recovered in a few weeks, he'd have to muster the courage to tell her. Kid hoped Lou could find the mercy in her heart to forgive what he felt unable to forgive himself for. That night had ruined the clean and spotless love he had for his wife... he had destroyed the holiest thing in his life for a moment of relief and comfort. He had never felt so cheap and despicable before, and whenever he thought about that moment he wanted to die of shame. Right now he was very scared; he didn't want to lose Lou and he feared if he told her, she'd want to leave him, which of course he felt he deserved.

Oblivious to Kid's internal struggle, Lou said, "Yeah, I'd love that... especially about our son... our children." Accepting she actually had two half-grown children was not easy. That sweet girl and Jed, her beautiful baby boy. All those days, weeks, months and years of both their lives were lost for her forever, but Lou resisted giving way to grief over them. There was nothing she could do to get back that lost time. Right now she had to focus on the positive side. She had a beautiful family, a good husband and two children. She needed to accept that her life had changed. She was years older like everybody else, her family had kept living without her and what for her had happened just two days ago had actually taken place a long time ago. There was a lot to find out yet and even though it scared her, she knew that the sooner she faced all that the better.

"Honey, are you hungry?" Kid asked, realizing that she hadn't eaten anything last night.

"I guess I am."

"Then I'll make you some breakfast, how about that?" Kid asked.

"It sounds good," she said and as she noticed Kid rearranging the bedding again, she stretched her arm and swatted his hand away. "But please, will you stop treating me like a baby? I can do that if I feel cold!"

Kid smiled happily, seeing some spark of the old Lou back. Oh, he had missed her personality so much and now that she was back, he was even more aware of what he had lost all these years. Doctor Harris's warning was still worrying his heart and Kid prayed that he was wrong. He needed Lou in his life. He wanted to live and grow old with her; to see their children, and their children's children grow up. They deserved a long future after all this suffering.

"I will get your breakfast, okay?" Kid said with a smile and when she nodded bewildered, he walked out of the room.

When the door closed behind him, Lou counted to twenty and when she was sure that he was gone, she removed the blankets from her body. With no small effort, she managed to lift her body and slide her legs out of the bed. Her breathing came in ragged puffs and the pain was almost unbearable but she didn't care. She sat on the edge of the bed. Her eyes swept over her body with a cringe. She was so thin and her skin had a very peculiar, sickly shade as if it had no life, as if her skin belonged to a corpse.

Her hand grabbed one of the bedposts and she tried to rise from her sitting position to no avail. She was very weak but she wouldn't give up. This time her two hands used the bedpost as leverage and she finally managed to rise to her feet. However, as soon as she tried to move her feet, she fell onto the floor heavily with a sharp cry. She lay there, fearing that Kid had heard the thump as she fell, but after a few minutes it was clear that nobody would come, and she tried to rise again. But her body hit the floor a second time. She would never be able to move like this. So despite the terrible pain, using the little strength her hands had, she started to crawl across the floor like the worm she felt she was. Every time her arms pushed forward, she only managed to move just a tiny bit, but she wouldn't surrender. She finally managed to get to the spot that under normal circumstances she would have walked in just three strides. The dresser stood above her and getting hold of the drawers' handles, she stood up. She almost didn't breathe as she tried to keep her balance and after a few minutes, she dared to take a step, which she did without falling this time and finally she got to her goal. There she was, standing before the mirror and her eyes stared at her reflection in its shiny surface.

She reeled with horror at the sight, gripping the low dresser for support. It was all true, everything they had said. The proof that she had been near death for long years stared back at her in the mirror. A pitiful, hideous creature stood where her own familiar image should be. Her hair was thin and sparse, and cut so short that she could see a long, hardened scar on the side of her head. Lou touched it, and wondered how it had happened … nobody had explained that yet, and she was afraid to ask why they had avoided telling her. She stood wooden with shock, continuing her gruesome inventory. Her lips were cracked and dry … her eyes ringed by purplish circles. She had always been thin, but the reflection showed a near-skeleton, her collarbone jutting out above her collar and her cheeks sunken. The last time she had looked in this mirror she had been a young woman, barely more than a girl even if she was married and a mother. They had told her she was asleep for years … but she had aged far more than that, she thought, putting a hand to her head. The stranger in the mirror looked shriveled and ancient like an old woman. Lou slid down onto the floor, unable to stay upright any longer. Sitting dully on the floor, she buried her head in her hands and wept bitterly.

* * *

The ground floor of his house was deserted when Kid descended the stairs, the reigning silence dominating it, something which he knew wouldn't last long. The children would soon come down demanding their breakfast and the house would fill with their cheerful voices and games. Kid made a mental note to talk to them later. The change in Lou's condition had been so unexpected that Kid had been at a loss about how to react. He was still in shock and could rightly guess that at their young age the children were twice as confused. Isa seemed to have taken things quite well if her eagerness to be with Lou and talk to her was any indication, but Jed… Jed was another story. The boy worried Kid. Lou's reaction last night had scared the child. Jed was a very sensitive boy and somehow Lou's illness had affected him more than it had his sister. Since very young Jed had been reluctant to talk about his mother or acknowledge her before others. Kid hadn't wanted to press him but now that Lou was awake, he needed to have a little talk with him, which he would do after the children and Lou had finished their breakfast.

Kid rushed to the kitchen. He hoped he'd get to cook Lou's food and talk to the children before Emma, Buck and the rest came as he knew they would. As he stepped into the kitchen, his face hardened as he saw Natalie busy stirring the batter for pancakes in a bowl. Since they had that nasty fight and Lou had started running a fever, Kid had avoided her like the plague. She made him very uncomfortable as if her mere presence suffocated him. She was a reminder of his despicable acts and the confident way she acted, sure that he was captive to her charms irritated him. Even if Lou hadn't woken up, Natalie wouldn't have been in his future, but only a part of his past he would always regret.

Natalie's back was to the door. When she heard steps behind her, she realized that she wasn't alone. "Good morning, Kid," she greeted with a smile.

Kid answered the greeting curtly, not sparing a single look in her direction. He ran his eyes round the kitchen and as he couldn't see the milk pitcher, he asked, "Where's the milk?"

"I used it for the pancakes," Natalie replied as she left the whisk in the bowl and dared to take a few steps closer. Since last night she was feeling very awkward and didn't even know how to act. Apparently, the doctor had told Kid that Louise's miraculous recovery could be deceitful and she might relapse or even die. Natalie hoped spitefully that it was true. She had nothing against Louise, really, but the woman's illness would ensure her own place in the household, while her death would clear the way for Natalie to replace her in every sense of the word; but Mrs. McCloud's apparent recovery was a disaster, one she had never anticipated. Recently, she had even allowed herself to hope for more with Kid and his children … a real home and family. Natalie felt she deserved as much; everything else had been snatched from her… a husband, a baby, love … and all she had been left with was hard work. It was worse to have been given that false little hope, and have it dashed this way, than it was before. Now she wished Louise would just disappear, whether into the grave or into her strange sleep again.

Natalie lifted her eyes to notice Kid staring at her with a serious expression. Foolishly thinking that he might read her thoughts, she felt awkward and started fidgeting with the top button of her blouse while she added, "Jed will be in with the milk in a while."

"I can't wait," Kid replied as he picked up the pail for milking. "My wife needs her breakfast."

"How… how is she?" Natalie asked warily.

Kid turned around and stopped just before the kitchen door. "She's fine, thank goodness."

Natalie nodded, keeping a neutral expression while her soul felt crushed by his words. "Things are gonna change round here, seemingly."

"Things are gonna be like they should always have been, God willing," Kid replied pointedly. He turned to leave, but he stopped as an urging voice nagged him to sort out this mess before leaving the room. He left the pail back on the floor and turned round towards the woman. "Natalie, I think we should talk."

"Talk?" she repeated with a confused frown, his serious tone making her very nervous.

"Yeah, as you have rightly said, things are gonna change," Kid started. "My children are too old to need a nanny and well, my wife won't be needing a nurse anymore."

"Are you firing me?" Natalie exclaimed, her eyes narrowing and snapping in anger.

"You always knew your time with us was temporary," Kid continued in a very calm tone. "I made it clear from the very first that you'd have a place here with us only until my wife got better."

"You don't know if she's going to be fine. She might take a downturn. Besides, after eight years in a coma, she won't be able to do everything around here that I do, not for a long time, if ever."

"In any case, we'll manage," Kid replied. He thought to himself that it was true that they would still need help with the housekeeping, possibly for a long time, but there were others who he could hire or who could help them with that. And he had gotten some encouraging responses to the advertisement he had placed for a nurse in Rock Creek, if Lou needed one after this. No, he shook his head. "Your services aren't required anymore."

His dismissive attitude infuriated Natalie. She had worked her fingers to the bone around here, and now he acted as if what she did around here was nothing … as if even that cripple upstairs could just take over for her, the second she opened her eyes after all these years.

"How dare you!" Natalie spluttered angrily. "After what I've done for you, your children and your "precious" wife all these years! That's the way you repay me? Kicking me out of your house like a mangy dog? No notice, no nothing?" she seethed indignantly. Kid started to protest, but she talked over him. "Why don't you tell the truth? It's nothing to do with whether I'm needed around here or not … there's plenty I could do. It's because you don't want her to know what you and I did, plain and simple. So you're as guilty as me - more, even, since you're the married one - and I'm the only one being punished. How is that fair?"

Kid felt a twinge of guilt at that, but pressed on. "I'll give you a fair severance, of course, but I think it's best if you aren't around now that Lou is awake again. For all concerned."

Natalie panicked and threw her arms around his neck. "Please, Kid, you can't fire me! I won't have anywhere to go. This has been my home for seven years. You can't do this to me! I'm ready to do anything to keep my place here. Anything."

Kid disengaged himself from her, feeling disgusted by her crazy offer. This was turning out to be more difficult than he had thought, but he just couldn't crumble down. It was clear that Natalie's stay in this house had reached its end and she needed to go. "Natalie, no."

His categorical refusal sparked Natalie's sense of survival and to her own surprise, she found herself resorting to extreme measures that she would despise under normal circumstances. She lifted her chin proudly, and fixing her cold eyes on his, she said clearly, "If you decide I have to go, then I'll just march up to your wife's room and tell her why her sainted husband is so eager to get rid of the nanny. And believe me, I can make it sound much more intense than the crap it actually was. How about that?"

Kid stared at her, a sweat breaking out on his face. "You wouldn't dare."

"Try me," Natalie replied, her set jaw and cocky pose showing that she meant business. "Heck, maybe I should tell her … she has a right to know you're not the perfect martyr you pretend to be to everybody … faithful and true and long-suffering," she mocked.

Kid realized that this mistake was going to cause him even more headaches than he had bargained for. Thinking Lou, so weak and defenseless, would hear of his unfaithfulness from Natalie, instead of him, filled him with total agony. He had always told his wife everything and even though confessing his betrayal would be hard and humiliating, he fully intended to do it eventually. However, this wasn't the right moment. Lou wasn't well yet and was already facing a difficult road in rediscovering her life. Kid intended to save her from further heartache as long as he could.

Kid was very angry with himself for his moment of weakness and hated feeling cornered. This woman before him… a woman he had trusted for years with his children, his wife, his household… and now she was threatening to destroy the most important part in his life just when it was returning to him after all these years. Kid cursed himself for putting himself in this terrible spot. Yes, he had put his own head in the noose, he had no one to blame for that but himself What a fool! The biggest fool in history.

Kid noticed her satisfied smile as she gathered that she had made her point. Her smirk irritated him so much that a curse escaped his lips despite thinking that it was totally inappropriate to use such language before a woman.

He couldn't stand her presence any longer and stormed past her to the barn. The confrontation left him very nervous and he needed to get a grip on himself before going back to Lou. He milked the cow and collected the day's eggs, not waiting for the children to do it. When he returned to the kitchen, he was glad Natalie was gone and he started to make breakfast for Lou. He set up a tray for her with everything he had prepared, and even added a vase with a few dry flowers.

As he finally made his way into the bedroom, the smile froze on his face as he found Natalie standing in the middle of the room and facing Lou. Her blue eyes shifted to him and a smile appeared when she noticed his expression. As Kid stood there unmoving, she said, "I took the liberty of introducing myself to your wife. It seems the poor thing fell out of bed, so it's lucky I happened to come up here to check on her. Don't worry, I got her back into bed for you, and I was about to tell her what place I fill in your… household. . But now that you're here you can introduce us properly."

Kid didn't speak up immediately, but kept glaring at her in silence. He noticed Lou looking at them with curiosity, which prompted him to action. Instead of saying a word, he clumped to the bed, sat on its edge and put the tray on the bedside table. "Uh… Natalie's been our housekeeper for many years… she's looked after the children and the house," Kid explained as he gently brought the napkin to the neck of Lou's nightgown after helping her to sit up. "You need to be careful, Lou, you don't have your strength back yet. If you need something, call me, don't try to do it yourself."

Lou swatted his hand away and snatching the napkin with a loving smile, she tucked it in her collar. She gazed up at him, lovingly, but was confused by the careworn face that looked back at her. He had changed so much too … but she saw the love in his face was unchanged and she felt encouraged and safe again.

"You forgot something else I do," Natalie interjected. She was wearing a yellow dress which highlighted her bright blonde hair and her pale, soft skin. She stepped toward the bed and bent over, giving Kid and Louise both a view of her generous cleavage as she arranged the covers and pillows efficiently. Lou was reminded briefly of Rachel serving her first dinner in the bunkhouse and her own jealousy then … and she had been young and healthy then, not a skeleton like now. She glanced at Kid, whose face looked tight and pale, and tense as he stared at the nurse.

Natalie gave a final jerk to straighten the coverlet and continued, "I was also hired as a nurse, you know, Mrs. McCloud, to feed you, change and wash you, clean your teeth, turn you, and …"

"That's enough," Kid ordered, looking daggers in her direction. He tried to keep his composure before his wife, and said, "The children must be downstairs already. Will you make sure they have their breakfast, please?"

"Very well," Natalie replied as his dismissive tone clearly implied that he wasn't permitting any more games. "I'll see you later then, Mrs. McCloud," she concluded and turning on her heel, she flounced out.

As the door banged closed, Kid turned his attention back to Lou and noticed her sad eyes looking intently at him. "Are you all right?" he asked straightaway.

"How long was I sick for?" Lou asked.

"Jed's eight years old."

Louise nodded as a sigh escaped her lips. "It must have been torture for you then to look after me for all these years," Lou muttered, feeling totally humiliated by realizing the burden she had been for her husband. She could imagine that caring for her, their two children and the ranch was much more than he could handle on his own and logically he had to hire that woman to help, but realizing that the beautiful stranger had been privy to her intimacy and shame filled her with anxiety and awkwardness. Every single second she seemed to learn something new about herself… a very disagreeable truth.

"Lou, you don't have to worry about that," Kid replied to her comment. "The only torture was not to have you with me, but that's over. You're here now and that's what matters to me." Lou gave him a small smile and Kid added, "And now, honey, time for breakfast."

Since she was very weak and hardly had any strength in her arms, especially after struggling to crawl on the floor previously, Kid fed her the milk and the bread he had brought her. Kid carefully made her take little sips from the glass and broke the slice of bread into small pieces.

"Mrs. Mortimer seems very competent," Lou remarked among bites.

"Natalie? Yeah… she's been an invaluable help," Kid had to admit. Their last disagreements didn't mean he couldn't acknowledge the woman's worth. It was true that without Natalie's help Kid wouldn't have been able to manage everything on his own.

"And she's very pretty," Lou added as her mind kept replaying the image of her own face in the mirror over and over again.

"Many women are pretty, Lou, but not all of them can boast of being beautiful… like you are," Kid remarked, his words referring to something more than physical beauty.

His words didn't cheer her up, but they rather had the opposite effect on her. She knew she wasn't pretty or beautiful, but a pathetic ghost… a shadow of what she'd been. Suddenly, her low spirits were shaken by a different sensation emanating from her stomach. "I'm gonna get sick," she announced in a low, urgent voice and as soon as Kid brought the washbowl, the food in her stomach rushed out of her mouth. Kid's hands held her frame as she kept retching for long minutes even when there was nothing left in her body, just bile and water. As sickness calmed down, Kid helped her lay down in bed and wiped her mouth. Her eyes were bright and her face red with the efforts of throwing up. She was feeling very tired once again and her appetite had disappeared instantly.

"You feeling better, Lou?" Kid asked, concern evident in his voice. Louise simply nodded without saying a single word. "I imagine," he continued, "your stomach ain't ready yet to eat solid food. We'll have to go more slowly."

Louise closed her eyes, morosely wondering if she would have the strength and willpower to do this. All she wanted was to sleep on without worries and continue in the same unaware state she had been till yesterday. This was too much, too hard, too big… she didn't know who she was, who her family was, where she stood any longer. Where was her life? She had been so happy and loved the existence she thought she led, but right now all that had disappeared, vanished into thin air. Fear, frustration and even anger swarmed in her insides and although she wanted to cry out, all she finally did was reopen her eyes as the tears trickled down her face once again.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 22**

_31 December 1871_

"That's it. That's my girl!" Kid exclaimed with a smile, holding Lou's body as she did her daily walking exercises in the bedroom. Dr. Harris had instructed him to help Louise regain the use of her legs and body since all these years of inactivity had made her limbs go numb. Louise had to learn to walk again as if she were a young child, but she was making quick progress only days after she had woken up. Her stomach was gradually getting used to keeping solid food without getting the spasms and nausea she had felt the first day; her muscles weren't so sore and in general Louise was growing stronger with each passing day.

"Mama, you're doing so well!" Isa added enthusiastically from where she sat on the rocking chair.

Louise smiled at the girl. The notion that this little girl was her daughter was still confusing and hard to accept and Lou felt very awkward, uncertain of how to act. Isa was a sweet girl who was growing on Lou, but was that gradual liking enough? Was her fondness what she should feel for a daughter? For some reason Isa regarded her with sincere adoration and it pained Lou to think that she was still incapable of showing her the love a mother should.

As her eyes shifted from the girl, they stumbled upon her image in the full-length mirror in front of her. She took a few minutes to study her own reflection once again. Her frail and sickly-looking body almost got lost beside Kid's strong, muscular figure. He had aged, more than the years they told her she had been asleep, she thought, and though of course she could still recognize her young husband, part of her was confused and felt strange with him. Even though he had changed a lot, however, she could see at a glance that the changes in him were nothing compared to how she had declined in the same amount of time. Looking at the mirror, she saw with bewilderment that they weren't now the well-matched couple they had always been. Louise looked like a decrepit, poor beggar in comparison, like she was in her forties, instead of the girl of twenty-one she had been "yesterday" or even the woman of twenty-nine she really was.

Louise wondered furtively what he felt for her now. Time had stood still for her, for all these years... it was as if just a few days ago she and Kid had made love while baby Jed had slept in his crib for the first time in months. But the eight long years had passed for Kid... all those years with their months, weeks, days and minutes... a whole lifetime in which he had kept living while she had been dead. Though Kid was as kind and caring as she remembered... Louise wondered… had he stopped loving her and wanting her the way a man wants a woman? What if all he felt for her was scorn and pity after being forced to care for her all these years? Of course she was too ill to make love, but Kid had not even kissed her in anything more than a brotherly way. His respectful distance made her wonder if he found her repulsive now, or just had fallen out of love after all this time alone. Kid was too honorable to hurt her wantonly, of course. Maybe he was waiting for her to fully recover and then he'd gently let her know that their marriage was dead like she had been for all these years. The thought broke her heart, of course still devoted to his as if no time had gone by.

Kid noticed her weird expression as she stared at the mirror unblinkingly. "Something wrong, Lou?"

"Uh no..." she replied, forcing a smile on her mouth.

"You tired?"

"No... I'm fine," Louise answered and after a brief pause she added, "Please, let me try on my own now."

"You sure?" Kid asked, his hand refusing to let go of her waist. The first day Lou had tried to walk by herself, she had stumbled down heavily and if Kid hadn't been quick to react, she would have hit her head against the dresser.

"Please... I'll be careful," Lou replied in a begging tone.

Kid reluctantly released his hold around her waist, but kept close enough in case she lost her balance. Louise started to take steps, her hands grabbing the edge of the dresser or the bedposts as a support to her still unsteady gait. "Good going, Lou!" Kid cheered, walking behind her.

Lou then dared to continue without resting her hands anywhere. She staggered momentarily, almost fearing she would collapse onto the heavy floor, but she managed to stand on her two feet, and even though unstable, she crossed the length of the room. Exhausted, she almost bumped against the window frame but Kid's hands came around her waist, hugging her from behind.

"I'm so proud of you," Kid whispered as he planted a kiss on her temple, nestling her against him.

Lou didn't say anything as her eyes kept staring out of the window. Down in the yard she could see Jed playing with a spinning top, but suddenly he stopped his game when he spotted Natalie approach in her buggy. The boy ran to her excitedly and gave her a big bear hug as soon as the woman eased off her carriage. "There's Jed," Lou whispered as she kept watching the scene below her window. Her son was talking to Natalie cheerfully as they walked towards the house hand in hand and then they disappeared from Lou's line of vision.

"Yeah..." Kid replied vaguely.

"I haven't seen him since the first day," Lou remarked. "I imagine I scared him away with my attitude. He must think I'm nothing but a crazy woman." She sighed and added, "I'd love to see him."

Before Kid could say anything, Isa jumped to her feet and exclaimed, "I'll tell him to come here, Mama."

The girl dashed out of the room with a contented smile. Lou turned her head to look at her husband and noticing his awkward expression, she said matter-of-factly, "He's not going to come, is he?"

"Lou, Jed's quite shy and you have to understand that all this has been quite unexpected. He needs time to come to terms with this situation."

"Yeah... I understand," Louise replied wearily.

"Everything will be all right, Lou. You don't need to worry. And in any case we'll all be together tonight and you'll see and talk to him then," Kid added, well aware that even though her words said something different, Lou was expressing otherwise. Kid couldn't blame her for feeling disappointed and sore; he'd also feel hurt if his son didn't want to see him for whatever the circumstances. Kid had tried to reason with Jed and persuade him to see Lou, but it had been impossible.

"What's tonight?" Lou asked unenthusiastically.

"Remember what I told you? Everybody's coming to dinner to celebrate the New Year and your recovery. Theresa, Jimmy and Cody are leaving tomorrow and who knows when we'll all be together again."

Louise removed his hands from her waist and started to labor forward, using the wall as leverage. "I'll be glad to leave this place finally. Eight years can really get on your nerves," she remarked with a comical expression. Kid had to chuckle, glad that she was able to joke about the situation. He couldn't even imagine how immense the pain of knowing she had lost part of her life was. Lou was a survivor... had always been and her strong spirit would overcome everything standing on her way. He had no doubts about it.

Lou staggered towards the wide wardrobe and opening the part where she kept her clothes, she scanned its contents. The inside was filled with white linen nightgowns. "Where are my clothes?" she asked, surprised.

Kid walked up to her and stood next to her side. "Uh... we gave most of them to the church. Your wedding dress and some of the clothes you wore when you were pregnant are saved upstairs." Kid left out the details of the whole story. He could still remember how livid he had been on discovering that Natalie had given Lou's dresses to some ladies from church who were taking up a collection and had come asking for Lou's clothes. Later he had calmed down when Natalie had explained that the church ladies had said that young Widow Reed with her many children, had lost everything in a fire and needed them more than Lou did just now, and that they had been hanging unused for several years anyway. When Natalie had apologized and offered to go to the church and explain that he wanted Lou's clothes back, he had reluctantly told her not to bother. It was true that there were people in need who could put them to use.

Louise sent him an irritated look and muttered, "I thought you had to die before your family got rid of your stuff. What else did you decide you didn't want around, Kid?"

"Lou..."

Louise instantly regretted her unkind words and letting out a sigh, she said repentantly, "Sorry... forgive me. That was uncalled for."

Kid took her hand in his and gave her a kiss on her cheek, which made her smile. He knew she had a right to feel angry. In fact, she was taking this situation much better than what he had bargained for. It was logical that she would explode at the least thing. How could he tell her without hurting her that nobody, not even he, had believed that she would ever wake up? Everybody had thought that she had been nothing but a dead body whose soul had left her long ago. Her coming back to life was a miracle that even Dr. Harris couldn't explain.

"So what am I supposed to wear tonight? I already look like the personification of death and I won't see anybody tonight if I can't wear something decent."

"Lou... I think you're exaggerating," Kid replied with a smile, loving the frown that formed in her forehead, the same lines that appeared on Isa's face when she got irritated. Rediscovering Lou was becoming a new, more joyful way of recognizing the traces and gestures of their two children in her. The opposite process had been laden with pain when he had spotted Lou's features in their children when she had been unconscious. "But don't worry, Lou. I'll go to Tompkins today and I'll buy you the nicest dress he has in his store. Brand new."

Lou nodded unenthusiastically. "Yes. I suppose anything I had was hopelessly out of date anyway," she said moodily. From what she had seen of Rachel and Natalie and the gawking neighbors who had found excuses to drop by, skirt shapes had changed quite a lot since the war days. She probably would have looked like a frumpy fool if she had put on musty, moth-eaten eight year old clothes anyway. "Please help me into bed now. I'm very tired."

Kid scooped her up in his arms and gently laid her down on the bed. "I'll see you later, Lou," he said as he placed a kiss on top of her head. She nodded, closing her eyes and for a time shutting out the strange dream that she had woken up to find her life had become.

* * *

Louise sat in front of the mirror of her dressing table as she attempted to brush her shorn hair into a decent shape, an impossible task. She had tried all ways: swept back, parted into two or pinned with a couple of combs on the sides. Nothing worked. The mirror told her that despite the beautiful dress that Kid had brought her, she would make a sight tonight. Apart from her disastrous hairdo, her extreme thinness made her look gawky since the dress hung loose around her body despite being the smallest size Kid had found. In fact, she wasn't looking forward to seeing anybody tonight. Whenever her family and friends came to see her, the realization of what had happened to her became more real and tangible. Everybody looked so much older and the way they acted and talked around her made her feel as if she was inside a fragile crystal ball that could crack at any moment. Louise felt very tempted to tell Kid that she was tired and didn't want to leave the bedroom tonight, but seeing how thoughtful he had been at getting her everything to dress up, including earrings, a delicate necklace and even new underwear that wasn't as plain as those her drawers were full of, she felt unable to disappoint him.

The door burst open and a little whirlwind dashed into the room. Kid mildly scolded their daughter as he tied his tie, but Isa ignored him and dashed towards her mother. Isa's hands clutched the arms of Lou's chair as she hopped up and down excitedly. "You look beautiful, Mama!" Isa exclaimed with a big smile.

"Thank you, darling," Louise replied as she put her brush down, giving up on her fight with her untamed hair.

"You know something? I asked Pa to get you a purple dress; that way we would be wearing the same color," the girl said as she lifted her skirt and spun around to show Lou her childish purple calico dress, her braids swinging up and down in the movement.

"You're sure pretty, honey," Lou remarked, matching the contented expression on her daughter's face.

Isa beamed proudly on hearing the praise from her mother. It meant the world to her. Apart from her father who always called her 'my pretty thing', nobody ever paid attention to her looks. Isa knew that she was smaller and thinner than most girls her age, and even though she wasn't vain, it pleased her terribly to hear her mother say she was pretty. "You know something, Mama? I'm so happy now... so happy."

Lou shared a smile with Kid, who watched his two girls with interest from his standing position next to the wardrobe, and when Lou shifted her gaze back to her daughter, she noticed the girl's eyes were filled with tears. "Isa, honey, what's wrong?" Lou asked as her hand caressed the seven-year-old's head.

The silent tears broke into sobs and Isa wailed, "I missed you so much... so much. I don't want you to leave me again. I wanted to be like the other children with their mamas... even Jed had Natalie, but I had nobody... only Pa, and ... and..."

Isa's voice faltered as the sobs grew more intense and powerful. Louise felt her own eyes grow moist as she hugged her daughter tightly. "Shh, honey. Don't cry, please. I'm not planning on going anywhere. I'm here and God willing, I will always be with you... always."

As Isa's sobs calmed down little by little, Lou pulled away and wiped the tears from her daughter's eyes with her thumbs. Louise felt totally moved by the girl's open display of affection. She hadn't known that Isa existed until a few days ago, and in just that short time the girl had conquered her heart with her special ways. Kid had done a very good job raising her and Lou imagined that it was the same with Jed. It was very painful for Louise to think about all she had missed in her daughter's life. She hadn't experienced the special connection during her pregnancy, or the joy of her birth, her first days, months, years... All that and more had been taken from her forever, a gap that would never be filled.

What worried her most was what her absence had meant for her children. They had to grow up without their mother and those gaps in their upbringing were impossible to fill. Lou still remembered when she had lost her own mother and how she had felt totally confused and empty inside. At least Isa and Jed had Kid and a very extended family that had cared for them, but despite everything, a mother was irreplaceable.

"Are you girls done telling each other secrets?" Kid asked as he came closer, trying to lighten up the grave tone between his two girls. "Or shall I leave you alone for the rest of the night?"

"Oh Pa, you're so silly!" Isa exclaimed among giggles.

"Let's go down then," Lou added and as she lifted her gaze to her husband, she said, "My, my, Mr. McCloud, you clean up very nicely, I must say."

Kid grinned, loving the teasing coming from her. They had always enjoyed this easy banter and sometimes he felt as if everything was the same as if eight years hadn't actually passed. Louise was so fresh that she made him feel as if he was younger... as if they were newlyweds. "That's because I have you to clean up for," Kid remarked flirtingly.

Louise looked at him with big eyes in such a way that Kid had to turn around and find a distraction from her disturbing presence. Kid hadn't dared to kiss her yet like they used to, with that passion that made his legs turn to jelly and his breathing get ragged. Somehow his guilt-stricken conscience stopped him every time even though all his self longed to taste her lips and... all of her. He felt he didn't deserve to have her affection when he had acted so despicably. Louise still needed time to recover fully, and Kid wondered if he'd be able to get intimate with his wife ever again. He felt he owed it to her he'd have to confess his unfaithfulness first, and then he hoped she could forgive his one moment of weakness, something that nagged him continually since it happened. The idea of opening up to Lou scared the daylights out of him but he also knew that he'd feel released when it was over. He just needed to find the right time and hoped for the best.

Kid helped Lou walk out of the bedroom and along the corridor. His arm was around her shoulders and Louise limped along, using the walking stick that Kid had made for her. When they reached the beginning of the staircase Kid picked her up, and descended the stairs, followed by Isa, who kept chattering behind them. Kid put her down back on the floor when they reached the living room. Louise scanned the room with her eager eyes. The place was almost the same as she remembered, but like everything else since she had woken up, the furniture she and Kid had bought when they had married had aged too. The wood lacked the shine it had boasted years ago, acquiring a characteristic patina in its surface, and the shelves that had been almost empty back then were now crammed with books and other objects she didn't recognize. On top of the mantelpiece she spotted the framed photograph of her wedding day but unlike the lone position it had in the past, the picture was now flanked by a bunch of others.

Moved by curiosity Louise hobbled towards the fireplace and her eyes eagerly scrutinized all the photos. One of them showed another wedding in which Lou recognized her brother and his now wife. Lou had been shocked when a few days ago she had received the visit of the young couple. Penny, the young girl Louise had known in ponytails and sash dresses, had turned into a beautiful woman and was a mother herself. Her red hair, which had given her the nickname everybody knew her by, had turned into an auburn shade that highlighted her lively eyes and her now-freckleless, pale face. What hadn't changed a bit was Penny's irrepressible verbosity. The day she had come, she hadn't stopped talking for a single minute, hogging the whole conversation and not letting Jeremiah get a word edgeways.

Louise couldn't help but marvel at how life followed its course no matter what. She remembered the last day she had seen Penny, little Penny and how she had gone over and over about marriage and become a mother of a litter of boys. Now that the girl was married to Jeremiah, which wasn't such a surprise in itself since Lou had always suspected something was going on between the two of them, the boys Penny had been dreaming to mother had limited to a girl for the time being, who looked very much like her ma. And of course Penny now stated proudly that she wouldn't change her Elizabeth for anything in the world… not even for a bunch of boys.

Louise shook her head as her eyes shifted to the next picture. It was another wedding, her sister's wedding, which made her feel uneasy. Lou just couldn't understand what her innocent, little sister had seen in a man who doubled her age, was physically unattractive, and on top of it all, had heavy baggage to deal with... a divorce and a teenage son. Lou had to bite her tongue and kept a cool countenance, when Theresa had introduced her husband and her soon-to-be-born baby's father to her. Knowing Lou, Kid had forewarned her about it and Lou had reluctantly promised not to speak her mind about her new brother-in-law. Theresa's husband seemed kind and very intelligent... he was a teacher after all... but Lou didn't think that didn't make him good enough for her sister. In Lou's opinion Theresa could have done so much better, but as Kid had rightly said, it was Theresa's life, and nobody, not even her, had any say in it. If she was happy with this man, then Lou had nothing to say.

Louise continued scanning the other photos which showed her children at different ages. Jed had always been a very handsome boy and Isa's big smile brightened every single photograph in which she appeared. Suddenly, one of the pictures drew her attention in particular. In that photo Kid was sitting on a chair in the living room; Isa was perched on his lap while Jed stood next to them, holding onto Natalie's hand, who also appeared in the family photo, as if she were the woman of the house. Lou couldn't help but pick up the frame to have a closer look. The four really made a nice picture, a perfect little family Louise felt very jealous of and somehow she couldn't imagine herself in the position that Natalie Mortimer took there without spoiling the harmonious, perfect sight.

Louise noticed Kid coming behind her. "Uh... Jed insisted on having her in the photo. He's very attached to Natalie," he explained awkwardly. "But now we'll soon have a nice picture of the four of us together... the real picture."

Lou turned towards him with an awkward smile on her face, but didn't say a word about his comment. Over his shoulder Louise caught sight of graceful Natalie coming out of the kitchen and her heart started pounding strongly in her chest when she saw her son walking behind her.

"Mrs. McCloud, I'm so pleased to see you back on your feet," Natalie said with exaggerated enthusiasm.

"Thank you, Mrs. Mortimer."

"You should call me Natalie. That's what everybody calls me around here."

Lou didn't reply, feeling strangely uncomfortable with this woman, and directed her eyes to her son, who stood behind Natalie. "Hi, Jed. How are you, honey?"

"Hello," the boy let out in a grunt, keeping his eyes downcast and not making the least attempt to meet his mother's gaze.

"Jed, give your mother a kiss," Kid said. The boy lifted his eyes shyly and without a single word he turned round and scurried out in the same direction he had come from. "Jed... Jed... Jed..." his father called after him repeatedly and as the boy didn't stop, Kid made an attempt to follow him but Lou halted him by grabbing him by the arm.

"Kid, just let him be... it's all right," she said, struggling to keep a strong face even though her heart was crying silently.

"You have to excuse Jed, Mrs. McCloud," Natalie cut in, her perfect lips shaping up into a dazzling smile. "He's a very shy boy and always acts a bit awkwardly when a stranger is around... he only feels laid-back with his family."

The comment didn't sit well with Louise and her thin fingers squeezed the handle of her walking stick as she felt her legs about to give way. "Let me remind you, Mrs. Mortimer, that I'm Jed's mother, which in my very humble opinion qualifies me as part of his family, don't you think?"

"Oh, I didn't mean you were a stranger... I was just talking in general," Natalie replied. "It all came out wrong."

"Mama," Isa called, interrupting the tense moment between the two women, "Jed's sometimes a bit silly... that's all." The girl reached for her mother's hand and gave it the kiss that Jed had denied her, which made Louise smile sadly.

"Isa, don't talk about your brother like that," Kid scolded her lightly.

"I'm sorry, Pa," the girl apologized without letting go of her mother's hand or averting her eyes from her.

"Mrs. McCloud, I hope you approve of the food I've prepared for tonight and the way I've set the table for your guests," Natalie added, skillfully changing the subject and trying to fix her past blunder. Natalie spoke enthusiastically about the dishes she had cooked while Lou's eyes scanned the table, lavishly decorated with an embroidered tablecloth, bright glassware and shining cutlery. There were also flowers and candles that gave the room a very welcoming air. Louise thought that she had never seen something so exquisite before and by the smells wafting out of the kitchen she could tell that they were going to enjoy a beautiful dinner as well.

About half an hour later Lou was sitting at the foot of her table when all their guests had arrived and greetings had been exchanged. The dining room was flooded by a cacophony of sounds and voices as the conversations of the twenty-one people around Louise overlapped. Lou felt the beginning of a headache throbbing painfully at her temples. Even though she had been pleased to see all her friends and family together, as the evening dragged on, she felt more and more like a fish out of water.

From the head of the table, Kid kept sending her looks and smiles, and the length of the table separating them felt like miles. For some reason, Natalie had arranged where everybody should sit around the table. Instead of being surrounded by some of her friends, or being near her children and her husband, Lou found herself flanked by her sister's husband and his son, two strangers she had nothing in common with except Tessie. Louise didn't have a very good opinion of the man even though she couldn't say she knew him, and she didn't feel like keeping up a facade for propriety for the whole evening, so after they had exchanged a few comments, the conversation had stopped there while everybody kept chatting amiably about people and topics that Lou didn't know or wasn't interested in. She wished she could be sitting next to her husband and her children, but they were at the other end, and Natalie had sat next to them.

Louise was started to feel a growing irritation towards the woman. She didn't know if it was sheer jealousy or simply dislike, but Natalie wasn't a person she could ever become good friends with. In her mind she kept comparing herself unfavorably to the woman. Louise had to admit that Natalie had a special beauty and freshness that made her stand out in this crowd that had gathered. It wasn't that she was any goddess of beauty but the combination of her vitality and grace and health made her look like a vision, the kind of woman Lou knew all men dreamed of. Louise told herself that she was a fool for feeling threatened by the domestic help in the house but she just couldn't help it. Jed looked at Natalie... with such adoration and love. Natalie seemed to have taken the position Louise was supposed to have. She was the perfect hostess, moving around the house as it were hers and joining in every single conversation around the table with evident charm. Everybody seemed to love her... her friends, her son, the other children... whereas Louise felt she had become invisible, a strange guest in her own house.

Except for Isa, all the children looked at her warily, as if they were scared of her. Jed seemed to have the most awkward attitude. Lou could tell that he consciously avoided looking her way at all costs as if he couldn't stand the sight of her. Instead he kept talking to Natalie, showing his affection for her in an exaggerated way and continually praising her for everything loudly enough for Lou to hear. It was as if he wanted to let her know that he didn't care about his mother because he already had one in Natalie.

All her thoughts always ended up in the woman for one reason or another, as if she was stuck in the middle and there was no way Lou could avoid stumbling upon her. Everybody and everything seemed to shout the charms of the woman, making Louise feel smaller and more insignificant than ever. The only ones that seemed not to be under this woman's spell were Emma and Kid. Her husband just addressed Natalie to instruct her to do something but Lou could perceive a subtle unkind tone in the way he talked to her. Kid was always friendly to everybody as far as she knew, and Lou couldn't believe that her husband treated Natalie differently just because she was an employee. That wasn't like him at all and Louise wondered where this came from.

Emma also seemed to have a certain animosity towards Natalie. Lou had also noticed that something very weird was going on between Emma and Rachel. The red-headed woman hardly addressed Rachel and Lou had perceived some stiff comments from Emma that were clearly directed to the two other women. Louise thought that this was very strange indeed. Rachel and Emma had never been the best friends; they had seen each other just a couple of times before the bank robbery happened, but they had always treated each other with warm politeness. Louise had thought that since Emma and Sam had moved to Rock Creek, the two women would have grown closer. Even though they were very different in personality, both of them were kind and good at heart. Something must have happened between them two because Emma clearly seemed unable to stand Rachel's presence.

Lou tried to avoid thinking of Natalie and the negative thoughts that the woman inspired. That wasn't doing her any good at all. She tried to focus her attention on the food but that didn't work either. Her plate contained some kind of vegetable puree that tasted as unappetizing as it looked. The roast and fish looked delicious but Doctor Harris had warned Lou against. Her stomach was still weak and she needed to avoid having strong, heavy meals for the time being or she might end up with an ulcer. So Lou had to be content with eating this concoction even though she actually wanted to throw it at the cook's face.

Much to Lou's chagrin, the evening seemed endless. She was very tired and couldn't wait to be back to her bedroom again. However, even though she felt this way, she kept saying that she was fine whenever Kid asked her. Somehow her proud nature didn't let her show her weaknesses in front of everybody and she kept up a strong face despite feeling shattered both physically and emotionally.

At some point Lou noticed that Kid had left the dining room and as she was wondering where he had slipped to, she was surprised when everybody started clapping their hands and looking at her. She turned her head back and saw Kid carrying a cake in his hands as he came towards her. When he reached the table, he placed the cake in front of her. Lou looked at her husband with a confused expression and as she shifted her eyes to the cake, she read the message on its surface next to the candle burning. "Welcome back to our lives, Lou."

"Emma made it for you, honey," Kid explained as he bent over to catch her eye. "Today is the first day in 1872 and for me it's the first year on a long list we'll celebrate together. I can't wish for anything else because right now I have everything." He turned his head towards her and having her lips so close he couldn't help but press his mouth against hers in a short but heart-felt kiss despite his previous intentions of keeping away from her until he confessed his sin.

Louise blushed when she noticed everybody looking at them with smiles. "Lou, can I swap the piece of that cake for one of your kisses?" Cody piped in teasingly. "Seeing Kid's silly face I can imagine it's worth the sacrifice."

"Don't believe a word this one says, Lou," Jimmy added. "He will never say no to food whatever the circumstances. He's bluffing because he knows you'll never consent to kiss his ugly face."

For the first time in the evening Louise laughed alongside the others. She was moved by everybody's caring details which made up for the wretched feelings that had dominated her soul until that very moment. The silly comments coming from Cody and Jimmy were familiar and comforting. She forced herself to feel happy for what she had now and forget about the rest for the moment. There were many tears in her life as it was and she wanted to smile for once. "Thank you, everybody. I'm also glad to be back."

"Pa..."

"Come on, Lou. Blow out your candle," Kid urged his wife.

"Pa..."

"All right," Louise replied and she took a deep breath of air and blew, extinguishing the tiny flame on the candle. Everybody applauded enthusiastically and as Kid shifted his eyes from his wife to the people along the table, he noticed his son with the same serious face as the blonde woman next to him. He'd have to talk to Jed again. Kid guessed that Natalie's influence wasn't beneficial at all and he needed to sort out her situation as soon as he could. He still didn't know how, but he swore to himself that he wouldn't let that woman rule him like a puppet on a string. "Natalie, could you bring plates for the cake, please?" Kid asked in a stiff note.

"Right away," Natalie replied and left for the kitchen followed by Jed.

"Pa!" Isa almost cried, tugging at his father's jacket to get his attention finally.

"What do you want, honey?"

"Can I sing to ma? Please?" the girl asked with puppy eyes.

Kid smiled and turned to his wife. "What do you think, Lou? Shall we let her sing?"

"What do you want to sing, honey?" Louise asked.

"It's a song I made up for you," Isa explained.

"Really?" Lou replied surprised. "Of course I'd love to hear that! We all want to hear that."

"Oh they all know the song already," Isa said in a dismissing way.

"We all know it by heart, Lou," Buck remarked, winking at his "niece" teasingly. "She sings it all the time."

"Then I'm more than ready to hear my song," Louise exclaimed with a smile. "Come on, honey. Sing it for me."

The girl came to stand in front of her mother and adopting a solemn pose, she breathed out and started to sing.

_You, my mother, you a sky so blue and beautiful._

The childish voice in song echoed through Lou's mind, eerily familiar. She had dreamed it, perhaps? The song itself too, seemed as if part of a dream she had dreamed and was remembering only as she heard it again . . . her lips began to move, mouthing the words of the song along with Isa, in perfect harmony with her daughter.

_You, I love you I miss you I need you . . ._

Isa stopped suddenly when she noticed her mother's eyes were damp but shining brightly . "Ma?"

"… my mama Lou" Louise finished the song. "I know that song... I've heard it before, I heard it before. I know your voice, and I know your song!" she burst out, reaching out to her daughter with both arms. The little girl rushed to hug her mother tightly.

"Lou, what are you saying?" Kid asked, totally confused. "You remember Isa's song?"

"I do," Lou said, brushing back the straight hair, cut in bangs that were a little too long over Isa's eyes, and gazing into her girl's face. "It's like remembering a dream, but it must have been real. It must have been you there with me all along, sweetheart. I do know you," she said, joyfully, squeezing the little girl tighter again in her arms.

"Mama, I sang it to you so many times while you were sick! And I talked to you and read to you. You must have heard me sometimes," Isa exclaimed happily, firmly believing that her efforts to help her mother hadn't been a waste after all. She wasn't a stranger to her mother, which meant the world to her.

"Of course I did, honey," Lou replied, cradling Isa, and feeling somehow that perhaps there was a connection there between them after all, even if she hadn't known it at the time. Her heart burst with love for her faithful little girl. It was all clear to her that those vague sounds and voices that she thought were dreams from her long sleep were real... She couldn't say she remembered the details but maybe her heart and soul had kept something that she wasn't even aware of it.

Isa laid her right arm around Lou's neck and rested her head on her shoulder; Kid started to protest that Lou was too weak for such mauling but Lou's shining face as she cuddled the girl close stopped him. "Mama, let's sing my song together now," Isa suggested and started to sing again. Soon the whole family was singing along, a perfect way to bid goodbye to the past year and welcome a new one, which as Kid had said shone hopeful and bright for this family.

Under the threshold of the kitchen door Jed had been watching the scene with curiosity. His face was serious and troubled. When everybody started to sing, he kept silent. His lips almost betrayed him by singing the stupid song that his sister had invented years ago. But when he noticed his mother looking at him, he proudly averted his eyes, turned around and walked back into the kitchen to Natalie.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 23**

After saying goodbye to the last of the guests, Kid climbed the stairs and went to check on the children. When Kid went to Isa's room it was empty. On a hunch, he headed to the master bedroom and sure enough, found the little girl curled up on the bed in Lou's arms. He smiled and watched the pair a moment. It made him happy beyond words to see the connection forming between the mother and daughter, and tonight had been a breakthrough for Lou in particular. Isa had believed herself to have a relationship with her mother all her young life, but Lou had been confused and lost with the two school-aged children she never knew … until tonight. Lou's eyes fluttered open as Kid bent to lift the little girl gently from the bed.

"You don't have to," she murmured. "She asked to sleep with me, and I don't mind."

"I'd better put her in her own bed, honey. She's quite a little kicker in her sleep. And … I was hoping to sleep in our bed tonight?"

Lou's heart quickened, and she nodded, not able to trust her voice. Kid smiled. "I'll put her in her nightgown and to bed … she won't wake up, she sleeps like a rock." He carried the limp little girl out the door and disappeared down the hall.

When the door shut behind her husband, Lou quickly lit the bedside lamp, threw back the covers and went to the mirror to check herself quickly, breathless with anticipation. Kid had asked to sleep in the bed with her tonight, instead of in the chair beside the bed, and she couldn't help but hope that this meant …

She stopped the thought when she looked in the mirror closely. At that sunken face, with fine lines in it now where the skin had been smooth and clear the last time she really looked at it. At her poor shorn head, the hair so short she could see through to the scalp. Her eyes were bigger than she remembered, but dark circles ringed them. It was still a shock, as in her mind, she was still a twenty-one year old and she only remembered the truth when she caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror and she tried hard never to do that. But something made her want to see the whole truth before she offered herself to her husband again, for the first time since she had woken. She was scared stiff to see what her clothes hid. In the last days she had tried to avoid looking at her body when she washed herself or got dressed and undressed. Not an easy thing to do, and to do that, she didn't let herself strip down completely. She knew she was very thin and it terrified her to think what her body would show after all these long years. She swallowed hard and moved her stiffened fingers to untie the ribbon at her throat and unbutton the buttons down the front.

Opening the nightgown and looking at herself for the first time, she reeled with shock. It was worse than even her face, she realized with horror. That creature in the mirror, bent and twisted and skeletal, wasn't her, it wasn't, it wasn't, she thought, panicking. Every rib was poking out of her skin, every bone … the firm muscles she had always had … the soft curves she had gained from bearing and nursing Jed … they were gone. She was truly skin and bone … what would Kid say when he saw her like this? He … he wouldn't want to make love to this, to this crippled hag. No man would, she was convinced, as tears formed in her eyes and blurred the image in the mirror.

The door opened suddenly, and Lou quickly hoisted the nightgown back on her shoulders, trembling with shame at being caught staring at her hideous naked body in the mirror. She tried to tie the string again as Kid came in and shut the door. Her heart was pounding so hard she could see it in her sunken chest, and her hands were shaking so they wouldn't work properly.

"You shouldn't stand there like that," Kid admonished. Lou nodded, blind with tears. "You'll catch a cold, you don't have all your strength back," he finished, as he turned the key in the door to lock it. Lou gulped at the sound. Why was he locking the door? Why was he still looking at her like … like that? Couldn't he see what she looked like, for God's sake?

"Kid …" she whispered weakly, feeling his hands on her arms gently turning her to face him. She looked up in his face, searching for something she didn't want to find … revulsion, disgust, pity … but instead she saw his love for her still shining there … could it be true? Could it, after so very long? He slid his arms around her waist and pulled her close to him, bending to rest his forehead against hers. He was trembling, fumbling, unfamiliar with her, yes, but … but he was running his lips along her face. "Kid," she moaned again, as the nightgown fell to the floor and he pressed up against her suddenly and desperately. She gasped a little as the cold mirror pressed against her back. He was whispering her name ... she could feel his tears wetting her neck as his hands roamed her body.

"Please, Lou," he was panting, and she somehow found the strength to put her emaciated arms around his neck, as tightly as she could with her little strength, and nodded.

He was carrying her then, her legs dangling above the floor, to lay her down on the bed like the first time. They lay together on the bed, and his mouth came to hers, opening it and kissing her deeply like she had wanted him to so much. She kissed back frantically, twining her hands in his hair and wiping his tears away with her thumbs. But after a few moments, she tugged at his hair to pull his face away, and looked up at him.

Studying him for a moment, she observed again that he was changed. She ran a hand over his chest and abdomen, under his shirt, and was surprised to feel … he had gained muscle in his chest and arms from hard work, but he had gained a little weight in the waistline as well in eight years. From Natalie's fine cooking, no doubt, she thought despondently. If I had been cooking for him all these years he'd be as thin as a rake, no doubt. Running her hand around to his back, she bit her lip and looked up into his eyes, trying to be brave for her question.

"Kid?" She swallowed even though her mouth was dry. "Do you still love me? Do you still want … want- " She couldn't finish the question, but turned her head away, the tears dripping down sideways onto the bed.

He leaned down and kissed her mouth again tenderly. "Of course I still want and love you …nothing's changed."

"But it has," she wept. "I'm different now. I look like a starved child. How could you want this?"

"I want to be close to you," he said huskily. "I've longed for you, to be able to talk to you and … and be close to you like this again, you can't know how much," he said, his own tears starting again. "Oh, Lou… I've missed you so much," he said, crying in earnest finally in her arms. "I can hardly believe you're really back, I'm afraid I'm asleep and only dreaming it, sometimes. Of course I want you, I need you, I need to feel you're real, please," he begged her. "I'll be gentle," he begged, "let me love you again, please," he was sobbing now, pleading with her, with _her_, as if … it was true. He loved her still, and he didn't care about how she looked; she believed it finally and realized how he'd suffered all these years. She was flooded with pain at the thought of his long suffering, so much worse in many ways than hers as she imagined how she would have felt in his place. She could help him now, though, like he'd been there for her without her knowing it for so long. Amid both their tears she comforted him, nodding and soothing him, trying to help him remove the last barriers between their so-changed bodies, and soon everything was like she remembered it again, her husband and her joined together as one at long last.

Kid cradled Lou in his arms, watching her eyes drooping sleepily. "Thanks," she whispered. "I missed you."

He blinked back tears as she slipped into slumber. "I missed you too," he whispered, stroking her shoulder gently. "So much." Sliding his arm out from under her, he laid her back against the pillows and got up, pulling on his nightclothes and walking restlessly out into the hallway. He opened the door to look in on Jed. The boy was curled up in the window seat, fast asleep. Kid sighed. The boy had sat there waving goodbye to Natalie when she left, and he had been so … busy, between the guests and afterwards, that he hadn't made sure he was in bed properly. He was clutching a stuffed bear Natalie had made him out of an old blanket, and there were tracks of tears on his face. Kid smiled sadly, pulling back the covers on the bed and drawing Little Bear out of Jed's arms to lay him on the pillow.

The little boy was limp in his father's arms as he carefully lifted him and laid him on his bed, brushing the sandy curls away from his forehead. He drew the curtains closed and tiptoed stealthily out of the room.

Isa was sound asleep in her bed, and from all appearances dreaming beautiful dreams, a sweet smile on her face. Kid straightened the blankets around her and left, wandering aimlessly downstairs.

He stared out the window, emotions warring wildly in his heart. Everything was perfect. Two beautiful, healthy children. The love of his life, come back from the mouth of the grave where she had teetered for so long, and back in his arms again. Yet it was all so fragile … with his mistake, his stupid mistake, jeopardizing all he had. He had told himself before that he didn't deserve Lou, that he had betrayed their love and he wouldn't touch her because he was unworthy of her love. However, his intentions were nothing as his longing for her had taken hold of his whole self. He was so weak and she was so wonderfully special. He felt self-loathing rise up in his throat like bile. He knew he should tell her the truth, she had the right to know, and from him, not Natalie or someone else. But it was going to be the hardest thing he ever had to do.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 24**

_January 1874_

The corridor appeared immense and endless before her eyes, but that wouldn't put her off. Louise had had enough of sitting idle on her rocking chair while looking out of her bedroom window. Even though walking and moving still meant a strenuous effort to her weakened body, she didn't care. She needed to leave that room; she had to breathe some different air than the stuffy atmosphere in her bedroom. Her muscles were still rusty for the lack of activity and her body ached with each motion, but that wasn't as bad as this feeling of uselessness.

That morning Kid had left her settled on her chair after they had eaten breakfast together. They usually followed the same routine. He helped her downstairs and after breakfast he carried her back to the bedroom. Louise got tired quite easily and it was more convenient for her to be in the bedroom in case she wanted to lie down. Lou hated to disturb Kid in his daily routines to ask him for help and she didn't feel comfortable asking Natalie Mortimer either but for very different reasons. That was the reason she spent most of her time in her bedroom, but after the tenth day in a row of this voluntary isolation, Lou was going crazy and decided to venture out on her own.

Louise finally reached the end of the corridor, but now a new problem rose: the stairs. She knew she wouldn't make it to the end without falling down and breaking her neck. She still needed her walking stick to move around and her legs were clumsy and unstable, so she had to find a way to get herself downstairs. After a second's hesitation, she dropped her walking stick, and it rolled down and landed at the foot of the staircase. Then she lowered her body and sat on the top step, and resting her hands on the edge, flanking her hips, she started to crawl down step by step. The whole thing was not as simple as it seemed and when she managed to move her body until the bottom step, she was breathless and tired.

After pausing for a couple of minutes to get her breath back, Louise grabbed the walking stick from the floor and tried to rise to her feet. It took her three attempts to finally stand up and then she shakily trudged along. One of the big windows in the living room gave her a good view outside and she could see Natalie hanging the wet laundry in the yard. _Much better_, Lou thought. She preferred to be on her own and the last thing she wanted was to be bothered by that woman.

Louise continued towards the kitchen. As she stood at the door, she looked around. It was so weird. Even though this was her home, the place she and Kid had built together, putting all their love in every corner, in every detail, she felt like a stranger, like an uninvited guest in her own house. Everything now had somebody else's stamp and she didn't even dare to touch anything.

Two pots were simmering on the stove, their enticing smells making Lou's stomach rumble. Surprisingly, she was peckish, and crossing to the counter, she pinched a chunk of the bread that had been left to cool. As she ate the soft, still warm bread, her eyes scanned the place and fell on the laundry basket loaded with clean, dry clothes on top of the table.

Louise was sick and tired of feeling like a useless object and wished with all her heart she could soon be the wife and mother that her family deserved. After swallowing the last bite of bread and brushing the crumbs off her blouse front, she sat down at the table and tipped over the basket, spreading the clothes on the table. There were mostly socks and underwear, and Louise got ready to fold the items. She struggled to do the task. Her hands and fingers were still stiff and couldn't move very easily. Her joints hurt like hell, but she continued the job with slow, awkward motions. Not having enough strength in her left hand, she made use of her wrist to pin down the socks and with her clumsy fingers on her right hand she managed to roll them up into a weird ball. Jed's small longjohn bottoms were easy to fold but the whole thing took her longer than it should.

Louise was sweating from the effort. In twenty minutes she had only managed to finish with a few items and a whole pile was still waiting to be taken care of. It was then that Lou heard steps coming closer and as she looked up, to her utter dismay she saw Natalie at the door. "Mrs. McCloud, how did you get here?" the blonde woman asked.

"I found a way."

Natalie didn't reply and walked inside gracefully. Looking at the loaf of bread marred on the counter, she asked, "Who on earth has nipped my bread?"

"It was me," Lou confessed. "I'm sorry, but I was feeling a bit hungry."

Natalie tutted while shaking her head in disapproval. "Mrs. McCloud, you should ask me and Kid first if you want to do something. We can't have you fall sick again."

Louise didn't like the patronizing way Natalie used with her, and something about the tone in which the woman had uttered Kid's and her name in the same sentence made her uncomfortable. The woman sounded friendly but somehow Lou felt all that sugar she put on every word was fake. Louise was jealous of the woman, of the evident fondness her own son felt for Natalie. Even though she tried to engage Jed in conversation when they were at meal times, he never answered her questions or even looked at her, which of course weighed in her soul painfully.

Despite feeling miffed, Lou didn't answer to Natalie's "scolding". She wouldn't bother to spend the little energy she had in something so unimportant and tried to focus her attention on the laundry she had started to fold. Yet, to her shock Natalie walked to the table, put the pile of clothes back in the basket along with those items that had taken Louise so much time and effort to fold.

Lou silently stared at the woman with an expression of total horror. "Excuse me, Mrs. McCloud," Natalie said, motioning to the laundry basket with a tip of her head. "I know you did those clothes, but your husband likes his socks folded in a very particular way and Jed's very fussy about his clothes. Next time ask me and I'll show you. We don't want our men to have complaints, do we?"

Even though she was hopping mad, Lou simply averted her eyes, unable to stand the sight of the woman anymore. Enough was enough. Clutching her walking stick she rose to her feet. "Excuse me," Lou said through gritted teeth, not bothering to hide the irritation from her voice. She bumped into Natalie purposefully as she limped past her, intent on leaving the room but as she was about to slip out, a voice stopped her.

"You aren't going to stay in the living room, are you?" Natalie asked.

"Well, I..."

"I'm going to wash the floor downstairs," the blonde woman said, "and I'd rather not have anybody in the way. If you could get yourself settled somewhere else..." Lou looked at her with an irritated frown and Natalie continued, "Would you like me then to give you a hand to your room?"

"No, no, I'm fine," Louise replied gruffly, turning her back to the blonde woman. "I'll make myself scarce. Don't fret."

While Louise crossed the length of the living room towards the front door, she kept mumbling to herself angrily. Nobody was going to reign over her, especially some pretentious, strange woman. Lou swore to herself that she wouldn't stay locked away one more minute; she wasn't some useless, ugly piece of furniture that needed to be hidden away. This was her house... her home and she'd do as she pleased. Who did this woman think she was? Lou had bitten her tongue this time, but if Natalie tried to boss her around once again, she'd show that missy who the real Louise McCloud was. It was time she showed everybody, not only that woman, she was ready to resume her interrupted life. She wasn't the withered daisy everybody seemed to think she was. Even though Lou had a long road ahead to heal completely, she felt her inner strength and will had not diminished at all and she was ready to face whatever came to her way.

Louise opened the front door and as soon as she stepped onto the porch, January's bitter cold penetrated her bones. The simple dress she was wearing was not thick enough for the weather outside the house. Kid had bought her new clothes in the last days, even a nice coat, but she didn't know where he had put it. It probably hung in her wardrobe upstairs, and consequently out of her reach now. Lou didn't care about the cold; it really was so good to breathe fresh air and feel the wind on her skin as she dared to edge away from the house.

Even though very slowly, Louise advanced step by step across the yard. When she finally reached the stables, her face lit up as soon as she spotted her black mare in the first stall. "Hey girl, remember me?" she asked, her hand reaching to stroke Lightning's muzzle and the animal licked her hand, which provoked a giggle from Louise. "I'm sorry. I didn't bring you anything today."

Lou could also see the changes that time had left in Lightning. Her black coat that used to be so shiny and smooth was lacking its past luster, her strong build was clearly gone and her lively eyes had acquired a tired, sad glow. "Years have also passed for you, haven't they?" The animal bobbed her head as if she had understood her owner and Lou smiled.

"What the heck are you doing here?"

Louise turned to the loud voice and saw her husband marching to her, followed by Buck and Jeremiah. His reproachful tone was enough to ignite her anger, and after the episode with Natalie she was especially sensitive. "Last time I checked this was my house," Lou barked in an unkind tone. "Or do I need to ask for your permission whenever I want to move?"

Kid came closer to Lou and removing his own coat, he placed it over her shoulders. "It's not that! It's freezing cold and you... don't even have a coat on." Kid helped her into his coat and asked, "Did Natalie give you a hand downstairs?"

The mere mention of the woman's name made Lou's blood boil. "I'm perfectly capable of managing myself without your hired henchwoman."

Kid rested his hand over her tense shoulders and rubbed them comfortingly. "Lou, I'm just worried about you," he said and placed a feathery kiss on the tip of her nose. "That's all."

His gesture tore down her bad temper and after letting a sigh, Louise exclaimed, "Kid, I can't stay in the bedroom all day long... unless you want me to go crazy."

"Lou, Jenny's at home," Buck cut in. "Why don't you go and pay her a visit?"

"Penny's in too," Jeremiah added.

Lou stretched her lips into an awkward gesture. She didn't want to go bothering anybody just because she was idle or bored. Jenny and Penny had their own responsibilities and besides, she still felt very awkward around her former friends. It was as if she had lost the link to them and the conversation didn't flow as easily as she remembered. "Uh, thank you, but that's not what I had in mind," Lou replied, and turning her eyes to her husband, she added, "I simply wanted to visit my old girl. That's all, Mr. McCloud. Is that all right with you?"

Kid grinned at her words, feeling his heart swell with love. With every moment he spent with Lou and with every little rediscovery, he came to realize how much he had missed her. How on earth had he been able to live on without seeing her big eyes or her smile every day? She had been barely back for a few weeks and Kid couldn't conceive life without her. The sky seemed bluer, the sun shone more brightly... everything was better because of her.

Invaded by strong feelings, Kid couldn't help but steal a kiss from her sweet lips. Even though taken aback at first, Lou soon responded to his loving gesture, clutching his arms for leverage. "I love you," Kid whispered against her mouth as they remained locked in each other's arms, but they pulled away as they heard a voice behind them.

"If you two are going to turn all tender, at least you should have the decency to let us know first."

"You're right, Miah," Buck replied with a grin. "With these two you always have to be on the lookout. They might even start dancing in front of you before you know what's happening."

Lou and Kid tittered as their cheeks shone with embarrassment. Miah and Buck walked off toward the stables, still laughing at the couple's expense, and when they were alone, Louise said, "Some things never change, do they? We're still teased... like always."

"It feels like old times, don't you think?"

"Yeah. 'Old Times'," Louise said wistfully. For everyone else but for her only yesterday. She wished it was 'old times' for real and she didn't have this continuous odd sensation of not fitting in anywhere. Her eyes locked into his blue ones as her hand wandered to caress his cheek. When her fingers brushed over his lips, he kissed them devotedly. Kid took a step closer, wrapping his arms around her tiny waist and resting his forehead against hers. Louise smiled, meeting his gaze with the same intensity. "Kid?" she whispered his name like a caress.

"Hmm?"

"How do you like your socks folded?" she blurted out.

"What?" Kid exclaimed, jerking his head up, totally thrown by her out-of-place question.

"Your socks. How do you like them folded?" Louise repeated the question with an expression that clearly implied that she wanted an answer.

Kid couldn't help but burst out laughing. "I... I don't know," he finally managed to say. "I don't really care. I just put them on to keep my feet warm." He paused for a second. "What is this about socks, Lou?"

Lou giggled, feeling silly for letting Natalie's comment worry her. "Uh... nothing. Just nothing."

"You sure you're all right?" Kid asked, concern taking over. He couldn't stop worrying about her; he lived with the constant fear that she might take a downturn like Dr. Harris had told him the first night. If something happened to Lou now, he knew he couldn't cope with it... not a second time.

"I'm fine... maybe breathing fresh air for the first time in such a long time is making me talk crazy. I guess I just need to be in the open more often," Lou replied, and turning her eyes back to Lightning, she added, "You know I'd love to ride her."

"I imagine so, Lou, but you're still too weak."

"Yeah, I know," Louise muttered, her face showing her low spirits.

Kid stared at his wife, hating to see her look so glum. If only he could do something to put a smile on her lips... Suddenly, an idea hit him and his eyes shone with excitement. "Lou, just give me a second. I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?" she asked as she sat on the crate he set for her.

"I'll be back before you can miss me," he simply said and before she could continue her questioning, he dashed out of the stables, leaving Louise in wonder.

About ten minutes later Kid returned, carrying Lou's new coat and a blanket. Even though she kept asking him what he was up to, he didn't answer and only helped her back to her feet and out of his coat into hers. Louise creased his forehead, feeling peeved because of his guessing games, something he knew she hated. Despite her irritation, she hooked her arm around his and they walked out. It was then that she saw Buck and Jeremiah hitching the buckboard.

"You and I are going for a drive. What do you think?" Kid announced happily and Lou's face lit up instantly.

"Oh Kid! Thank you!"

He smiled, clearly pleased to see her look so cheerful. He lifted her onto the wagon seat and wrapped the blanket over her legs. "Please hold on tightly," he said before rounding the carriage and climbing onto the seat next to her. Louise linked her arms around his left one while Kid took the reins from Jeremiah. "Thank you both for covering me," Kid said to the two men. "Lou really needs to get out of here for a while. I owe you big time."

"Just have fun," Buck replied. "That will be enough reward for us."

"And don't overstrain my sister, McCloud or you'll have to answer me," Jeremiah added in a mocking tone.

"As you wish, McCloud," Kid replied with a crooked smile.

"Oh... you three shut up!" Louise exclaimed, rolling her eyes. "And stop talking about me as if I wasn't present. You are used to me being deadly quiet but that's over now."

"And thank God for that!" Kid replied, meaning every word with his whole self.

"Lou, have fun," Buck concluded the conversation and the two men waved as Kid spurred the horse in motion.

As the wagon trotted past the house, Natalie was on the porch shaking the floor mats. When she spotted the carriage, she stopped her movements and directed her cold eyes to Kid. Despite the distance the man could read and even feel the silent message in them, the scorn, the threat, the underlying punishment. Kid cursed for the umpteenth time for getting entangled in her cobweb. Natalie was the stain that smudged the clear landscape that had been his love and loyalty to Lou. Since Lou was back, he felt in a constant state of total bliss, but when he remembered Natalie and his betrayal, guilt nagged at him and clouded his happiness. Weeks had passed since Lou had woken up and he still hadn't mustered the courage to tell her. His excuse for keeping quiet was Lou's weak condition, but deep down Kid knew that his problem was that he was scared stiff. Things between him and Lou were so perfect that he was afraid of spoiling it, ruining it.

Louise noticed the serious expression in her husband and when they left the house and Natalie behind them, she said, "You know, Mrs. Mortimer is kind of ... strange."

"Strange?"

"Yeah... I don't know how to explain it, but she kind of makes me feel awkward." She stopped briefly and turning her smiling face to her husband, she added, "I guess I ain't used to having another woman at home."

Kid cleared his throat nervously. "Well, I imagine that when you get back to health completely, we won't be needing her anymore... that is, if you want to."

"I'd much rather look after my family on my own," Louise admitted.

Kid wasn't very comfortable talking about Natalie and he tried to divert the direction of the conversation. "Lou, I know this ain't like riding as you had in mind."

"I love it," Louise replied while her eyes intently looked at the familiar landscape she had driven through so many times. The deciduous, naked trees stood stubbornly against the winter cold; all the vegetation was covered in a subtle glistening layer from the previous night's freeze. The view was breathtaking and Lou felt she was having the time of her life even though in her mind she had only seen these parts a few weeks before.

"When you feel better and stronger, we'll go riding... the four of us, you, me and the children."

"I'm sure they ride well, am I right?"" Louise asked keenly.

"You kidding? The children of two former Pony Express riders? Of course they can ride, and Lou, they're so natural, especially Isa. Well, it took Jed longer to learn... but he eventually did. I took some time off last autumn and you know, I taught him my bag of tricks." Lou smiled sadly, an expression that didn't go unnoticed to her husband. "Something wrong?"

"I... I was thinking about Teaspoon," she muttered. Her husband comment had taken her back to the first day they had got together in Sweetwater and the special speech Teaspoon had made as they stood by the fence. Kid nodded, sighing morosely. "I was also thinking about Jed. You see, he doesn't talk to me."

"Lou, he just needs time."

"I know that. I guess I'm a little impatient. Sorry to be such a pest."

Kid shook his head, wrapping his right arm around her shoulders while guiding the horse with his free one. "Don't say that, honey. To tell you the truth, I find it amazing the way you're coping with everything. I don't think I could keep my sanity if I had to go through the same as you."

"It ain't easy... at all," Lou admitted as she lowered her eyes to her thin hands that lay intertwined on her lap. "You can't imagine how many times I wish this were a dream and I could wake up to the cries of Jed in his crib."

"It ain't a dream, I'm afraid," Kid replied.

"Yeah... and in a way I don't want it to be," Louise said and at Kid's confused frown, she added, "When I think of our little girl and the idea of not having her with us... she makes every pain, every sacrifice worth it."

Kid smiled at the mention of Isa. "Lou, you're what she needed... I hadn't seen her look so happy before. She had nobody... you know... no other woman to turn to. Emma, Rachel and the rest were there but somehow she refused to fill up your place."

"Not like Jed, uh?"

"Lou..." Kid stammered clumsily but his wife didn't let him finish.

"Kid, I'm not blaming you or anything. It's natural. I wasn't around, so somebody had to fill the void I had left, don't you think?"

At her question Kid averted his eyes, unable to hold her gaze, and focused on the road ahead. Even though they were talking about Jed, he felt her comment was directed to him. His heart begged him to tell her, to confess his sin, but his frightened spirit ruled his mouth and all he finally said was a half lie that left a new wound in his damage conscience. "Lou, nobody replaced you, nobody, nobody," Kid repeated, trying to convince her… or maybe was he trying to convince himself?


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 25**

_January 1872_

"Time for school, Jed."

The boy smiled as he recognized the voice and his eyes quickly lifted from the book he was reading, "You came early today, Natalie."

The woman walked into the bedroom and sat next to the boy on the bed. "Well, I thought of baking a lemon cake today, so I have to make an early start."

"A lemon cake! My favorite!" the boy exclaimed, his mouth watering at the mere notion of tasting that scrumptious cake Natalie often pampered him with. "Thank you."

"What couldn't I do for my favorite boy?" Natalie smiled, pleased with herself and after a brief pause, she added, "Jed, honey, I was clearing the table from breakfast and I noticed that you haven't eaten a lot this morning. Is something the matter?"

The boy turned serious all of a sudden. "I wasn't very hungry."

"That's odd in you... and well, that lack of appetite has been too often lately... there's not a lot that escapes my notice in this family," Natalie insisted and as the boy didn't open his voice to talk, she added, "We haven't had one of our conversations for a while now... you know, since your mother woke up." Jed nodded. "Tell me, are you feeling all right?"

"Just fine."

"Well, your face in the last few weeks doesn't say the same."'

Jed shrugged his shoulders. "Ma's awake and fine. Pa's happy. Isa's happy and I guess I have to be happy too."

Natalie took the boy's hand in hers and gave it a good squeeze. "Jed, love, we have always told each other everything. You don't have to pretend with me."

Jed kept thoughtful for a few seconds and then blurted out, "I don't like her... Natalie, I don't like her!"

The woman smiled sweetly. She knew she could tell the child that he had to give his mother an opportunity, that he needed to get to know her, that he didn't have a reason to dislike her. Yet, that selfish part in her soul, that small part that was growing lately, took hold of her will. Love long thwarted and denied was twisting her, corrupting her into someone she barely recognized, but she couldn't help herself. "It's understandable you feel that way, honey. She's taking your father and your sister from you."

Jed furrowed his forehead, considering Natalie's words for the first time. It was true that his father spent a great deal of time with his mother as he helped her to walk and exercise her stiff muscles, but it wasn't much different from before. "Pa loves me, I know that."

"Then what worries you, honey?"

"Why do things have to change, Natalie? Why can't everything remain the same, you know, you, me, Pa and Isa? I don't wish Ma ill but... but she doesn't belong with us." Jed paused briefly and after a slight hesitation, he added, "You know, Natalie? I wish you were my real mother. Wouldn't it be great that you lived here with us and you and Pa were married?"

It wasn't the first time she had heard similar words from his lips and on other occasions she had disregarded the boy's desires, but now her heart thumped in her chest strongly. In truth, Louise's miraculous recovery wasn't so bad after all. There was no hope for Natalie before, when her rival was helpless and dependent, but now everything could easily change. Now Louise was someone she could fight for Kid's love … and she already had Jed's. "That's very sweet, honey," Natalie said, brushing her hand over his cheek affectionately.

"I wish things hadn't changed, is all."

Natalie kept quiet as she gathered her thoughts carefully. "Everything in this life can change sometime," she added. "That was what happened to Charlie, remember?"

"Aunt Theresa's boy, Charlie?"

"Well, yes, exactly. He's her boy now even if he's not her son. Your Cousin Charlie has another ma, but his Pa got a divorce. Then he married your auntie ."

The boy frowned in confusion and he was about to ask what a divorce was when Kid's voice calling his name reached him. "I have to go now, Natalie," Jed said as he jumped to his feet, and giving a quick hug to the woman, he exclaimed, "I love you, Natalie!"

"I love you too, Jed," the blonde woman replied as the boy picked up his books and dashed out of the door. A smile remained on her mouth when she was left alone. Jed was like a son to her and she was more of a mother to the boy than Louise McCloud. Those children morally belonged to her. Louise McCloud might have given birth to them, but it had been her, Natalie Mortimer, who had fed them, dressed them, bathed them, looked after them, raised them. Louise McCloud just couldn't come back from the dead and take them... take her boy from her. It wasn't fair. This is my family, mine, Natalie thought. Kid had said so too many times. She was part of this family and Natalie intended to make him stick to his word. She belonged here, she belonged with Kid and his children, and like Jed had said, Louise was an outsider; she didn't belong with them, not anymore.

* * *

"Children, remember to read the passage again at home," Miss Daniels reminded her pupils before they raucously stormed out of the schoolhouse.

Since her desk was in the last row and closer to the door, Isa was one of the first ones to dash outside, and her face lit up as she saw who was waiting for her in the yard. "Mama!" she exclaimed happily as she ran to hug her mother.

The other children trickled out of the schoolhouse. As Jed crossed the door, some other older kids were laughing as they stood at the entrance. When they noticed Jed next to them, Peter Sullivan, a big boy, sneered, "Look who's come, McCloud, the walking dead."

Jed's eyes followed the direction the boy's finger was pointing at and his face reddened with irritation as he saw his mother.

"Shut up, Peter," interjected Helen, who had heard the cruel comment.

"Where does she sleep, McCloud? In a coffin?" another boy continued, ignoring Helen's words.

"I heard," a girl this time carried on, "that the undertaker has dug a hole in the cemetery especially for her and that way she keeps the other dead folks company."

"Don't pay them any mind, Jed," Michael added, glaring at the other children. "They're stupid."

Jed's hands were balled into fists as anger dominated him, but his fury wasn't addressed to those boys, but to the woman who called herself his mother. Peter and the rest were right. She looked like a corpse. Her extremely thin body rested hunched on the walking stick she used to keep her balance. Jed could see her protruding bones, so evident in her almost fleshless skin. There was no heavy braid or mop of curls under her bonnet, like a normal woman. Why has she come? Jed furiously repeated over and over in his mind.

The older children got bored when Jed didn't respond to their provocation and they went their own way. Helen and Michael approached their aunt to greet her while Jed scurried away to hide.

"Ma wonders when you'll come to visit us at home, Aunt Lou," Helen said.

"Yeah, one of those days," Louise replied as her eyes tried to spot Jed without success. "Now that I can move better on my own, I think I might pay you a surprise visit soon." Louise was now able to walk longer without Kid's help. She spent most of her time trying to regain full use of her legs around the ranch. Even though she still needed her walking stick when she stood for too long, little by little she was relearning her steps quite quickly. And today suddenly she had been tempted by the idea of going to town and pick up her children from school and without telling Kid, she had started off. Surprisingly, she had made it to the place on time and couldn't feel prouder than at this moment. Logically, she was exhausted but she couldn't wait to see Kid's face when she told him.

"I'll tell Ma you said hi, Aunt Lou," Helen said as she and her brother took their leave and dashed off.

When they were left alone, Lou turned to her daughter. "I'm going to have a word with your teacher, sweetheart. Just wait for me here and tell your brother. I can't see him anywhere."

"He sometimes plays marbles with his friends at the back of the schoolhouse," Isa replied.

"I see. You two wait for me, all right?" Lou added and crawled her way into the school. When she finally entered the building, Jed left his hideout. His face was still red with irritation and he didn't even look in his sister's direction as he marched past her.

"Jed! Jed! Wait! Ma wants us to wait here!" Isa called, running after the boy.

"I'm going home," the boy stated firmly without slowing down his pace.

"But Ma said..."

"I don't care what she said. And leave me alone!"

Isa stopped and as his brother kept walking away, she shook her head. Jed was sometimes so stubborn and silly that it was impossible talk to him. When he got into one of his weird moods, it was better to leave him alone for a while, to let him cool down. That was what Pa said, and that was what she did as she pulled a bag of marbles from the pocket of her pinafore and crouched down carefully to try to practice. She shot and her marble went wide of the target again, like it was so often now. Sighing, she retrieved it and started again.

Inside the school Miss Daniels offered Lou a seat on the teacher's chair, while Miss Daniels took a seat at one of her pupils' desks. Louise listened attentively to what Miss Daniels told her about his children. "I have to say Jed is a brilliant student, responsible, intelligent, a quick learner, but Louisa... well, Louisa is a different story. She is... how to say it? She's slow. She reads like a child two years younger. And her figures are even worse. She even has problems identifying numbers and figures."

Lou was shocked by what Miss Daniels was revealing. "I find that hard to believe," Louise said slowly. "My daughter is a clever girl... everybody can see that."

"Mrs. McCloud, I know it's hard for parents to accept their children have certain problems." Miss Daniels paused briefly, trying to select the right words to express her next thoughts. "Uh... I understand Louisa's birth was complicated due to... uh... your special condition back then."

Lou's face fell; once again, she was learning something about her children from another person. Everyone knew her story … everyone except herself. "Sometimes," Miss Daniels continued, encouraged by Lou's silence, "when there are complications during labor, the child's brain might suffer, which could make a child grow up … well, simple. I've seen it before, unfortunately."

"But Isa is a healthy child," Lou contradicted her, "and as far as I've seen, she's bright and expresses herself very well, better than most adults I know. I don't think that's the problem, somehow."

"Mrs. McCloud, I know what you mean, but I am a professional," Miss Daniels said rather grandly. "Yes, her tongue is quick enough … but her grades speak for themselves and I know it's not from lack of effort on her part, either."

"I'm sorry, but I can't believe it. I just can't believe it."

Miss Daniels didn't try to contradict her. This was old history to her. Parents were often reluctant to acknowledge their children's deficiencies, and were all too quick to make excuses, or worse, blame the teacher. Mrs. McCloud seemed a sensible lady and sooner or later she'd see that she was the teacher and she was right about poor little Louisa McCloud. Smiling patronizingly, she said, "Well, Mrs. McCloud, I hope you're right; but Louisa's made no progress along with everyone else in her class this year and I can't think of another explanation, other than lack of ability. If you can think of one, I'd love to hear it," she said pointedly. "If you'll excuse me, I have these papers to correct."

Louise left the schoolhouse in low spirits. She found Isa sitting on the bench alone, counting out her marbles in her apron. "Where's Jed?"

"He went home."

"Well, let's go home too then, sweetheart."

"Aren't you tired, Mama?" Isa asked, dumping the marbles into her little bag and drawing the string. "Won't you rest for a while?"

"I'm fine, honey," Louise replied with a smile, caressing the girl's face. How could anybody think that Isa wasn't clever? Miss Daniels had painted her words in light colors, but the message had been clear to Lou, something that she just couldn't believe. What was all that about Isa's brain being damaged? That was just a pile of horse manure. Isa was fine and there was nothing wrong with her. Maybe she needed a bit more help and attention and Lou swore to herself she would look after the matter herself.

Louise and Isa walked for a while in silence and after a few minutes the girl asked, "Mama, what did you talk to Miss Daniels about?"

"About you and Jed... I wanted to know how my two angels are doing at school." Isa's bright smile vanished suddenly and her cheeks flamed with shame. "What's wrong, honey?" Lou asked, noticing the change in her daughter straightaway.

"Did she tell you I'm stupid?"

"What?" Louise exclaimed in shock. "What are you saying, sweetie? Who's called you stupid? Miss Daniels?"

"No... not her, but I know I am."

Louise stopped and cupping the girl's face in her free hand, she tilted it towards her. "Listen to me, Isa. You are not stupid."

"But I can't read as fast as Jed or the other children. I really try, Mama, very hard, but I just can't."

"Well, maybe you just need a little help."

Isa furrowed her forehead. "Natalie already helps me with my homework but it's no use."

"I didn't mean her, honey. You and I are going to work together."

"Really? Really, Ma?" the girl exclaimed happily.

Louise nodded with a smile. "And now let's get going before your father gets worried and sends the army after us."

When they reached the ranch, there was nobody in sight. Lou guessed that the men must still be busy shoeing the horses, as Kid had told her they'd be doing that all day long. As both mother and daughter stepped onto the porch, the door opened and Natalie walked out amid the fragrance of fresh baked cake from the kitchen. She was drawing on a pair of dainty gloves and settling a lacy bonnet on her heavy coil of blonde hair, and she nodded. "Mrs. McCloud, I put a pot roast with vegetables in the oven just a minute ago. It should cook itself by dinnertime. I came in early, so I'm going home now, if that's all right."

"See you tomorrow then," Louise replied politely and as soon as she got into the house, she started calling Jed's name. She didn't get an answer to her insistent summons and when she stepped into the kitchen, she found him sitting at the table and drawing, a half-eaten slice of lemon cake on the table beside him. "Jed, honey, I've been calling you. Didn't you hear me?"

"What do you want?" the boy asked curtly, without lifting his eyes from the paper.

"You left without waiting for me and your sister at the school yard."

This time Jed met her eyes and Lou could spot the irritation in his. "Why did you have to go there in the first place?" he demanded.

"To pick you up and talk to your teacher, of course."

Her words ignited the boy's fury and jumping to his feet, he barked, "What for? You have no call going there or talking to Miss Daniels."

"I am your mother," Louise blurted out, astonished at his defiance.

The little boy stood seething at her a moment, before speaking with a shaking voice. "I want you to leave me alone... to leave us all alone."

"Jed..." Louise gasped.

"I don't need you! I don't need you!" Jed cried at the top of his voice as tears of irritation burst free.

"Jed, shut up!" Isa ordered loudly. "Don't talk to Ma like that!"

"Isa, could you give me and your brother a minute?" Lou said faintly, and Isa uncertainly nodded, brushing past Jed and even giving him a slight shove.

"Quit being so rotten," she hissed at him.

The boy ignored his sister and continued his blistering attack, now that it had started. "I already have Natalie and I love her. She was here all the time but you weren't!"

"I was sick, Jed," Lou retorted in a trembling voice. "It wasn't my fault."

"It wasn't my fault either!" the boy ranted, his face so red that it seemed it was going to explode. "I was happy... very happy and now you come to spoil everything for me!"

Lou was so bewildered and shocked that she just couldn't react. Her eyes filled with unshed tears and her body trembled as she stood there, hearing the furious verbal attack of her small son.

"You always make trouble for me! Because of you, Pa never had time for me. Because of you the children make fun of me. Because of you I don't have a real mother. You're not like the other mothers. You're ugly, weird and no good. You always spoil everything... every single thing!"

Furious and humiliated, the boy darted past her, running outside, leaving Lou alone. The tears she had choked back started to cascade and loud sobs racked her defenseless body. The room spun around her and she could hardly breathe; she needed to leave, to go. Grabbing the walking stick, she tried to get out of the stifling room but her still clumsy feet didn't respond, and in her hurry she fell onto the hard floor with a cry. Her beautiful baby, her son, that child she had desired so fervently... that she felt like she had held in her arms what seemed like only weeks ago, now had grown away from her, against her. The love she felt was nothing to him. Worst of all, because of her he was unhappy when all she had ever wanted was for him to have a full childhood, like she never had herself. Instead, he was miserable and even hated her. She had lost her son even though she hadn't done anything… or more accurately, she thought bitterly, because she couldn't do anything for him all these years because of life's cruel trick on them all. She should have just died years ago, and part of her was hurting so much at her son's hatred that she almost wished she had. Pulling herself from the floor onto a chair, she leaned her face against her arms on the table and cried miserably for her little boy and for herself at the unfairness of it.


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 26**

_January 1872_

Depressed and despairing, Lou refused to get out of the bed that had been her home for eight long years the next morning. She had been brave and tried as hard as she could, but she felt she couldn't face it all today. Instead, she gave way to self-pity and moped in her room through the morning and into the afternoon. Jed's angry and accusing words kept replaying in her mind and she felt falling deeper and deeper into a hole of desperation and bitterness. All night long she had been crying and nothing Kid had said had helped her. Her heart longed to hide form the world and disappear. But a small tap on the door told her that she wouldn't be allowed to wallow in her mood for long.

"Ma," a little girl's voice came. "I need help with my homework, and I'd rather not ask Daddy or Natalie. Do you think you're feeling up to it?"

"Okay, sweetheart. Just ... just give me a moment to get dressed," Louise replied tiredly as she struggled to get out of bed.

"Okay, Ma!" the bell-like voice rang out. "See ya in a couple of minutes in the parlor!"

Lou pulled out a blue dress and slipped it over her head. Kid had considerately gotten a dress that had buttons down the shoulder instead of the back, so she was able to fasten it herself. She squared her thin shoulders and looked into the mirror. "You've wasted enough time sleeping, Louise McCloud," she told her reflection. "Now get down there and be a mother to those children and a wife to your husband."

When she reached the parlor, Lou sat down at the table with a smile that faded when she glanced out the front window and saw Jed sitting on a fence post, Natalie perched beside him all sympathy and understanding, her arm over his shoulders comfortingly. Behind them, Buck was working steadily on splitting some rail.

Seeing her mother's face fall, Isa gave her an impulsive kiss. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too, baby girl," Lou said gratefully, and trying not to mind that Jed didn't and even Isa knew it. "What do you have today? Reading?"

"Yes," Isa said dolefully. "Can you read it to me, Mama?"

"I think you're supposed to practice your reading, dear. And I'd love to hear your lovely voice. This is a good one," she said, glancing over at the open reader. "I remember it from when I was in school. Go ahead, now."

Lou watched as Isa squinted down at the book, and haltingly read aloud, her small finger following along on the page. After a few moments, it was obvious to Lou that Isa was taking a wild guess at the words based on their first letter, and moving on to the next one. Her face dropped lower and lower as she read, until her nose was practically in the book.

"Isa, honey, what are you doing?"

"Reading, Ma," Isa said, her head bouncing back upright. "This story doesn't make a lot of sense though."

"I see," Lou mused. "Isa, run and get your coat, honey."

* * *

Sitting on the fence beside Jed, Natalie was surprised to see Louise and Isa emerge from the house in their coats and hoods as if ready to leave the ranch.

"Mrs. McCloud? Where are you going?" she called, curiously. "Jed tells me there's reading homework today. Isa can't have finished already, and it's our rule that she finishes her homework before dinner."

Behind her, Buck straightened up and waved to Lou. Addressing him, Lou asked, "Buck, would you do me a big favor and hitch up the buggy for me? I'm going in to town with Isa."

As Buck nodded and headed toward the barn, Natalie protested, "To town? Mrs. McCloud, Isa doesn't have time for that. It takes her until bedtime or longer to do her reading work and there's other homework and chores she has to do."

"She'll be excused from her chores tonight, and we'll deal with homework when we get back. I'll see you later, Jed," Lou said, and Jed nodded back curtly.

When Lou drove past them in the buggy, Jed muttered, "Hope Miss Daniels understands it isn't Isa's fault tomorrow when she doesn't have any homework to show. You know how long it takes her to get it done, she'll never make it now."

"I know, but I guess your ma doesn't understand that," Natalie said disapprovingly. "Speaking of homework, let's get yours done, young fella."

* * *

"Kid, I don't know what she was thinking. I'm worried about Isa. You know she has to work at school, more than the other children. Louise doesn't understand, if she fills up Isa's time with gadding about town, Isa has no chance at all."

"I'm sure Lou has her reasons," Kid sighed, looking up from the harness he was cleaning by the fireplace.

Standing by the door with her hands on her hips, Natalie shook her head. "They've been gone for almost two hours. It's ridiculous, that's what. The woman has no idea about being a mother of a school-aged girl who isn't ...", Natalie paused delicately, and seeing Kid's frown, continued, "Well, Isa isn't a natural student, we all know that. She needs a routine, discipline, from her mother. Louise seems to see herself as the girl's playmate, not her mother."

"For your information, Lou is doing a fine job with Isa, and I'll thank you to remember your place."

Natalie froze, and Kid cursed inwardly, remembering that Natalie still held some power over him.

"I'm not the only one who forgot his place around here, am I?" she taunted, predictably. "But never mind that. Suit yourself, you'll see soon enough for yourself when Isa's grades go even lower, if that's even possible," she cast over her shoulder sarcastically as she stomped back to the kitchen fuming. Kid sometimes infuriated her beyond control. He should be kissing the floor she stepped on instead of defending that pathetic woman against her. She was the one who had kept this family from going to rack and ruin and had even let him make love to her with no strings attached, no marriage or hope for it, just because she loved him desperately. And this was the way she was repaid, with ingratitude and coldness. He could act as cold as he wanted now, he could say whatever he wanted but she knew better. It was all pretence and he was lusting for her as much as he had that windy night almost two months ago. Sooner or later he'd realize that he didn't want Louise like that anymore. And Natalie hoped that tonight seeing that little idiot of a wife of his for what she was would be the beginning of his own awakening.

* * *

"Cover your right eye, and read this line," Dr. Clark intoned. Isa covered the eye and squinted.

"I see a triangle," she said doubtfully. "The next one looks like ... G?"

Dr. Clark continued with the examination, and then started jotting something down on some paper. Isa, curious, hopped down from her seat and approached the eye chart, standing a few inches from it. "Oh," she said in surprise. "That's an A, O, P, S, G, E!" she announced.

"You were absolutely right, Mrs. McCloud. The child needs glasses, badly, and she's both near and far-sighted. So that would explain the difficulties with reading. But she seems perfectly healthy otherwise, and I believe with glasses her vision may even improve. She needs to wear them all the time, though, is that clear, young lady?" he said, addressing the little girl with his last remarks. Isa nodded solemnly.

Lou was relieved and disappointed at the same time to find an explanation for Isa's problem at school. The glasses would solve most of them, she suspected, but a girl with glasses would probably face some teasing, and she wished it weren't necessary for her to wear them. "Would it be possible to get some glasses for her today? It's a long drive back to Rock Creek, and I want to get her in them as soon as possible."

"These should work out for now," Dr. Clark said, rummaging in a drawer. "It's not the exact prescription, but I'll grind a pair for her and have them sent to you in Rock Creek as soon as possible."

"Mama!" Isa exclaimed when the glasses were perched on her nose. "Everything's so clear! I can see every little hair on your head and every line on the chart! And look," she pointed in the mirror across from her. "They're just like your glasses, from Daddy's memory box. Do I look just like you now?"

Lou smiled, "You look beautiful, sweetheart."

* * *

Kid jumped up from the table when Lou walked in, finally, after dinner. When the hours had stretched out to four, he had become nearly frantic with worry. Natalie hovered in the background, waiting to see what would happen.

"Where have you been? I've been worried sick about both of you," Kid demanded.

"I went to see Dr. Harris, and - "

Kid interrupted, "What? Are you all right?"

Lou glared at him, "_I'm _fine. I brought Isa to the doctor ... and we had to go to an eye doctor in Blue Creek." She drew Isa out from behind her and everyone goggled at the sight of Isa in a pair of small, wire-rimmed glasses.

"Lou ... what on earth ..." Kid stammered.

"I know, they're beautiful on her, aren't they?" Lou said, in a voice that suggested everyone should agree.

"Yes, but I had no idea she needed glasses, is all ..." Kid said feebly.

"I know. It seems everyone missed the obvious, doesn't it? Isa, show everyone how well you read now with your new glasses."

Isa opened a brand-new book Lou had bought her in Blue Creek, and read aloud triumphantly and fluently. Finishing with a dramatic flourish, she beamed up happily at her mother, who burst into enthusiastic clapping.

"Wonderful! Sweetheart, you go on into the parlor now and try that reading homework again. I'll be in directly."

It did Lou's heart good to see Isa break into a run, calling out to Jed, "C'mon, slowpoke! I'll read to you tonight, how about it?"

"Your two plates are warming there," Natalie said stiffly and with embarrassment that Lou had noticed something quickly that she had missed.

"Thanks, Mrs. Mortimer, but I got something for me and Isa to eat on the way back from Blue Creek," Lou said, a bit coolly.

Natalie shuffled awkwardly "I'll be going now, if that's all?"

"I think so," Lou said, sitting down with a tired thud.

As the housekeeper got herself away, Kid sat down next to Lou, fixing her with a stern eye. "Lou, I have a bone to pick with you."

"You do, do you?" Lou muttered. She was exhausted from her long drive and her hand and arm were stiff from holding the walking stick for such a long time and just wanted to go to bed. "What's that?"

"You were gone for four hours, without any word. You should never have taken Isa to Blue Creek by yourself, anything could have happened. You should have waited for me to take you."

Lou scowled. "I think Isa waited long enough, personally."

Kid stopped, scowling back, and demanded, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"What I mean is, how long would it have taken you to notice that the child could barely see? I didn't want to wait to get the problem taken care of. And it all turned out fine."

"This time," Kid said, holding his patience. "You have to remember that you're not as strong as you used to be. I can't help but worry."

Lou bit her lip and crossed her arms over her chest, looking accusingly at her husband. After a long, uncomfortable moment, she spoke calmly. "Kid, Isa told me that she's stupid yesterday. Did you know she felt like that?"

Kid stared back at her, shame stealing over his face. "No."

"Why not?" Lou persisted. "Do you know?"

He looked down at his hands. "I dunno."

"She told me she doesn't take her problems to you because you have enough to deal with, she didn't want to add to your worries."

Kid nodded slowly.

"A little girl should feel she can talk to her parents about anything that's bothering her, Kid. I'm sorry to hear she felt that way."

"You don't understand," Kid tried to explain. "I had so much to do ... I was so ... so sad ..." he trailed off as Lou looked steadily at him.

"No more excuses, Kid. The children come first, always ... and anything else second. That's what being a parent means."

Kid smiled, holding her hand tightly in his. "Parenthood suits you," he remarked, leaning over to kiss her. "I guess I'll need you to teach me the ropes."

"It'll be a pleasure," Lou sighed, kissing back.


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 27**

_February 1872_

Louise slowly shuffled her way from the kitchen to the living room. A few days ago she had discarded her walking stick and even though she missed her supporting companion, especially when she felt tired and shivery, she refused to use it anymore. She was making good progress, but she couldn't help but feel frustrated. She longed to be able to move around freely in the same way she had before her accident, instead of feeling like a useless piece of furniture. Kid kept asking her to be more patient, but Lou was reaching her limits.

Jed was sitting in an armchair by himself, a book splayed out on his lap, but his attention wasn't directed to it. Louise sighed when she noticed that as soon as the boy spotted her, he lowered his eyes to the book and avoided her gaze. After the angry and cruel words the boy had hurled against her, Kid had grounded him, telling him that unless Jed apologized to his mother, he'd go to bed straight after dinner. Although Jed hated being confined to his room, he was stubborn and had refused to apologize to Lou even when the punished stretched into two weeks.

Seeing that the boy was too obstinate even to apologize, Lou sensed that Kid's methods wouldn't make Jed accept her but rather the opposite. Jed resented her even more since she was the reason why he was disciplined. Louise had overheard Kid and Jed arguing, and the boy had said that nobody could force him to love her. Even though painful, Lou had to admit he was right. Day after day she had tried to persuade Kid to lift the punishment, but only yesterday he had finally understood that all this was useless. But Jed was not grateful for his reprieve and resented Lou just as much as ever.

She brightened as her eyes fell on Kid clumsily trying to dress one of Isa's dolls as she instructed him.

Hearing Lou's chuckle, Kid looked up, relieved. "Isa, honey, Ma's back. Why don't you play with her? I ain't very good at this stuff."

"Uh no, no," Louise replied teasingly. "Isa will be very disappointed... She was looking forward to playing with her adorable pa, weren't you, darling?"

The girl responded with a giggle and Kid turned to their daughter with the same teasing tone. "Sweetie, I didn't tell you something about your ma. Do you know what your mother's afraid of?" The girl's curiosity perked up and Kid paused to cast an amused look at his wife. "Of a good, ol' tickle."

"Oh no, you wouldn't dare."

Without a word Kid rose from his seat with a spring and vaulted the couch, grabbing a startled Lou around the waist and tickling her. Lou squealed and thrashed while she kept saying among giggles, "Please stop, stop." Making sure she didn't hurt herself, Kid took her in his arms and carried her to the sofa, sitting down with her perched on his lap. "Kid, you should be ashamed of yourself, treating the mother of your children like this," Louise exclaimed mockingly as she swatted his hands away and slid from his lap onto the sofa between him and their daughter.

Isa laughed; she liked how Pa looked so happy and smiled so much lately. Isa could now understand how sad he had been without Ma. In a way, it was strange for her to see her parents together like this. She had never imagined how they would be around each other but rather her dreams had been more about what she and her Mama would do when she woke up. It was so nice to see for herself how often they hugged and spoke nicely to each other, how happy they were.

Isa looked in her brother's direction. The boy met her spectacled eyes, snorting and quickly lowering his gaze back to the book. Isa's laughter faded as she thought how foolishly Jed was behaving. That wasn't the way to treat Ma. They had the best mother in the whole world but he still continued with the same foolish attitude. Isa couldn't understand what was wrong with him.

Kid finally let Lou sit down beside him on the sofa and they shared a teasing smile as Louise took the doll from him. Kid sat in another armchair and sent a look to Jed, who kept his eyes focused on the book. Kid could tell that his son wasn't reading. He just didn't know what to do with Jed. The boy simply refused to talk or hear him out. Reasoning with him was useless and even using threats for a punishment had proved to be a waste of time. Besides, all this was killing Lou. Whenever he confronted Jed and the boy voiced his hostility toward his mother, Lou felt even worse. Kid tried to avoid anything that could add to her suffering. Though Lou always put on a smile and said that Jed would eventually come round and she understood, Kid knew her better. He wondered whether Natalie's influence had anything to do with his attitude. Kid hadn't minded Jed's closeness to Natalie before; in fact, he had approved of that bond between them as he thought that it was a good thing Jed had a woman to turn to in absence of his own mother. Yet, right now Kid was questioning if he had done the right thing. If he had been able to devote more time to their children, Natalie wouldn't have hogged Jed so much. And now... what could he do now? Maybe he could let Natalie go... she was causing more trouble than good, but Lou wasn't strong enough yet, and Jed would take it the bad way if he fired Natalie and then hired somebody else.

"Poor Miss Annabelle Mumblepuss!" Lou exclaimed as she took the doll from her daughter. "Poor thing is too old."

"She was your doll, wasn't she, Mama?"

"Yeah... and then I gave her to your Aunt Theresa," Louise explained as she tried to rearrange the few patches of hair the doll had left. Miss Annabelle was as hideous-looking as she felt herself, Lou thought. At least her own hair had grown a little in the last few weeks and she could actually run her fingers through the very short tufts that covered her scalp. Louise couldn't wait for her hair to grow longer and for her body to get some flesh. She was eating more than she had ever done, trying to gain weight, but it seemed that with the effort she had to make every day when she moved, she lost every ounce of it.

"Auntie Theresa gave her to me for my last birthday," Isa replied. "She said you would like me to have her."

"Yes, that's right."

Isa kept thoughtful for a few seconds. "Mama, do I have to give your doll to Cousin Mary now?" the girl asked. A week ago they had received a telegram announcing that Tessie had a baby girl, and both mother and daughter were healthy and happy.

"No, honey, your cousin is very small. And Miss Annabelle is all yours," Lou said and then her eyes turned meaningfully to Kid, who understood the silent words in them.

"Lou, you know we can't leave the ranch right now," Kid repeated the same sentence he had said to his wife in the last week. "As soon as I can take some time off, we'll go to meet our new niece."

"It's already too bad I couldn't be there when Tessie went into labor," Louise replied unhappily. "And now... if you let me go on my own."

"Lou, we already went through this a few times."

"Maybe if I talked to Rachel..." Louise tried again.

"Honey, I don't like being apart from you, even for a couple of days," Kid explained. "I promise we'll go, but we can't now."

Louise didn't reply to his words. It was useless to try to convince him. She had to admit he was right in one thing: she also hated being away from him. But Theresa was her sister and maybe her mind still refused to believe that Tessie was now an adult. Lou had always been a bit too protective of the girl her sister had been and it was difficult for her to completely accept that people had grown up without her. Her eyes could see the reality but her head was still living in the past.

Louise turned her attention back to her old doll as she said, "Maybe we could do something to refill these bald patches on her head and fix this eye."

"Did you use to play with Miss Annabelle a lot when you were little, Mama?"

"Yeah... she was my only doll and sometimes I used to play with her with some of the girls at the orphanage," Lou explained.

"And did you have many girl friends there?" Isa asked, eager to know more about her mother.

"Some... girls, yeah, and also boys," Lou replied, remembering how she used to enjoy boys' games better than girls'. "It was fun sometimes."

"My best friend is Judith Rogers, but we can't play a lot... only at school break... she lives too far from here," Isa said sadly as she brushed the hair of one of her newer dolls.

Louise nodded and an idea started brewing in her mind. "Sweetie, you know what? Why don't you invite your friend Judith over on Saturday? Pa can pick her up, and she can ride in with us and meet up with her parents at church on Sunday."

"That's an excellent idea, Lou," Kid remarked. "I can talk to Mr. Rogers and ask him if it's all right."

Isa shook her head. "She can't come on Saturday. She's going to the social with her family."

"Maybe next weekend then," Lou offered.

"And... and why can't we go to the social?" Isa asked. "I'd really love to!"

Lou and Kid shared a look and from the corner of her eye Louise noticed how her son was paying attention for the first time. His eyes looked unblinkingly at Kid and his little face showed signs of anxiety as he waited for the answer to his sister's suggestion.

"Well... we could do that, don't you think, Lou?" Kid said slowly. "It could be nice."

Jed's face puckered unhappily as he grunted, "I don't want to go."

Sensing that the boy was back to his bad mood, Kid asked, a soft hint of disapproval in his voice, "Why not, Jed? You were always eager to go before."

Lou knew Jed didn't want to go because of her. His expression told her everything. He was still ashamed of her and didn't want her at the social, where all his friends would be. It was a painful realization, but understandable, Lou had to admit. She noticed how Jed hesitated to answer and as her maternal feelings of protection kicked in, she spoke up, "Kid, maybe Jed is just feeling tired now. He may change his mind when the day comes. If he does, I'm sure you three will have fun."

"Whoa, whoa, Lou... we three? What are you saying?" Kid piped in. "You mean we four are going, don't you?"

"Kid, I can barely walk on my own, let alone dance. And crowded places like the social hall might make me dizzy. The last thing I want is to embarrass myself by falling flat on my face," Lou replied. "I'll stay here and you and the children have fun."

"Fun?" Kid echoed as if his wife had lost her mind. "What am I supposed to do at a dance without you?"

"Dance with other girls of course, silly," Louise replied teasingly, sticking the tongue out to him. Kid swallowed hard, to push down the slight guilt he felt at her suggestion about "other girls," and he made answer lightly.

"You must mean step on their toes. You know I wasn't very good and the lack of practice in the last years hasn't sure improved my dancing skills," Kid remarked. "Besides, worrying the whole time about you? I don't like the idea of you being here on your own."

Louise made an unhappy face. Kid's protective attitude was going too far. It was all Dr. Harris' fault. The physician had tactfully let them know that she might still take a downturn and relapse into the same state she had been for years. No wonder Kid's nerves were on edge. Louise constantly prayed that the doctor's warnings never came true. Her family needed her and she needed them. Lou believed Dr. Harris was exaggerating and scaring them unnecessarily. She had been awake over a month now and she felt fine. Lou kept repeating the same over and over to Kid, but he couldn't get rid of his fears.

"If Mama doesn't go, I don't want to go either," Isa said.

"Well, seemingly none of us wants to go... so I guess that settles the matter," Kid concluded.

"Oh Pa, why don't we have a picnic instead? You know, down by the lake?" Isa asked, her eyes shining with excitement.

Lou eyed Jed who looked visibly anxious again after hearing his sister's suggestion. "Honey, we'll think about it, all right?" Louise said and Isa nodded with a big smile.

"And now off to bed, you two," Kid announced. Isa kissed her mother while Jed did the same with his father, but when it was time to go to his mother, the boy scurried up the stairs. Kid was about to call his son back, but foreseeing his reaction, Lou called out. "Kid!" He turned his eyes to her and Louise shook her head, making the message clear to her husband.

"Good night, Pa," Isa came to Kid and gave him a tight hug. "I love you."

"I love you too, Sweet Pea."

The girl searched her mother with her quick eyes and asked, "Are you coming up later to tuck me in?"

"Of course, sweetie."

"Good!" Isa exclaimed before she rushed up the stairs to her room.

Louise and Kid looked at each other in silence for a few minutes until unable to stand the short distance separating them, Kid rose and walked up to her. He offered his hand and gently helped Lou to her feet. When they were eye to eye, his lips eagerly found hers and he kissed, never getting enough, always wanting more. After a few minutes, he pulled away slightly, brushing his nose against hers.

"You're making up excuses for our son," Kid remarked pointedly. Louise sighed and disengaging herself from his hold, she turned her back to him. He came behind her and placing his hands on her arms, he brushed his face against her right cheek. "I'm sorry, honey, but you can't fool me. And ... if I don't remember wrong, you used to love dancing with me."

Lou smiled as he made her turn round in his arms. Kid started humming a tune and very slowly he began to move, dragging Lou along. "Didn't you say you weren't good at dancing?" Louise asked teasingly.

"Well... there are dances and dances... and I never heard a word of protest from you when we danced."

Lou bantered back, "Well, if you behave yourself, we might have a little dance later."

Kid grinned happily at the promise of a night of passion and love. Since Lou had woken up, they had gone back to their life in common as smoothly as could be expected. But at the back of his mind there was a constant voice, nagging him, telling him that he was a fraud. He still hadn't gathered the courage to "tell her". He always found a silly excuse to chicken out. And ... there were times when he got to believe that his indiscretion with Natalie hadn't really happened... that it had been a dream or a nightmare. It had been so cold, so quick... but whatever he wanted to believe, it did happen and sooner or later he had to tell his wife.

Louise noticed a shadow darkening his features and his contented countenance turned bitter all of a sudden. "Kid? Are you all right?"

Her voice snapped him out of his thoughts and Kid plastered a smile on his lips, trying to hide the guilt drawn on his face. "Uh... yeah... I... I better go feed the horses before turning in."

"And I'll check on the children," Louise replied. She slowly made her way to the stairs once her husband left the house. Though they were happy together for the most part, Kid's attitude was occasionally enigmatic and baffling, and he often seemed lost in his own world and thoughts. Whenever she asked him, he simply brushed her off. Louise knew him too well and she was sure he was hiding something from her. Lou wished he could open up to her and told her, because this guessing game was worse than anything he could surprise her with.

When they made love, he often seemed distracted and sometimes could not even finish the act, much to both their embarrassment. This was something that had never happened to them before. At night, he kept tossing in his sleep as if something was eating at him. Sometimes she told herself that the years had simply changed him; but deep down Lou knew it was more than that. She was sure he loved her; he never stopped telling her and his constant loving gestures confirmed his words. However, Lou was scared. What if after all these years the passion and love had turned into some kind of brotherly affection? Maybe he had realized the truth and that was why their love-making wasn't so satisfactory to him. Or maybe he actually found her new body hideous and repulsive. But then why did he go out of his way to pursue her? He was the one to start their love games. The only explanation was that he pitied her and was trying to do what he thought was his duty. Kid was always very insistent on his duty, and now he saw her as just that, another duty. Lou wanted to deny and ignore the signs, but as much as she tried to find another explanation, she found none. If only he could talk to me... Louise thought wistfully.

While these thoughts kept torturing her, Louise had reached the top of the stairs and found herself in front of Jed's door. She sighed as she knocked softly and opened the door. Jed was reading a book and lifted his eyes when he heard the creaking door.

"May I come in?" Lou asked from under the threshold, and when Jed granted his permission with an indifferent shrug, she walked inside. Other nights she had come to check on him, but the boy had already been sleeping and the bedroom in total darkness. "It's bedtime, honey. Leave the book for tomorrow."

The boy didn't protest and rose to leave the book on his shelf. In the meantime, Lou looked around. The bedroom was tastefully decorated. Everything was in perfect order, the toys and books arranged by sizes; the furniture clean and spotless. There was nothing askew, nothing in disarray as Lou would expect to find in a young boy's bedroom. Lou could feel Natalie's presence in every corner, in every object. Isa's bedroom also oozed with the woman's taste and style, practically the whole house did, and Lou couldn't help but feel envious and out of place.

And then every step she took, that woman was there, in the kitchen, in her living room... in her son's heart. Natalie made her feel awkward as if she were actually the servant in her house. Louise felt tempted to ask Kid to let her go, but her conscience nagged her. It wasn't Natalie's fault what had happened and her leaving wouldn't sort out what worried Lou the most. Louise told herself she couldn't expect to storm into her son's life and have everything as if the years hadn't passed. She simply needed to be patient and little by little Jed would get to know her and hopefully love her.

"Don't touch that!"

Louise turned her eyes to her son, who was looking at her with a glaring expression, and she left the snow globe on top of the dresser. "I... I was just having a look. It's pretty."

"It's a present from Natalie. She went to visit her parents in Denver and brought me that. It's special."

"Of course... it's nice," Lou replied with a smile, using all her inner strength not to be affected by what his words weren't saying.

Jed didn't reply and simply knelt in front of the bed. "I have to say my prayers."

"Go ahead then."

Jed joined his little hands together and after a slight pause, he started, "Dear God. Thank you for this wonderful day. Please forgive me for being a bit naughty today... I'm sorry I kicked Michael even if I didn't mean to. We were playing ball and he got in my way." The boy paused for breath and Louise smiled at his sweetness, her chest swelling with love for her little boy. "Please, Lord, look after Pa, Isa and Natalie. Don't let anything happen to them. And take care of Aunt Jenny, Uncle Buck, Aurora, Sunny, Aunt Rachel, Aunt Emma, Uncle Sam, Helen, Michael, Uncle Miah, Aunt Penny, Little Elizabeth, Uncle Jimmy, Uncle Cody, Aunt Theresa... and ... and ... and... and please don't forget to look after Grandpa Teaspoon who is with you in Heaven. Tell him we miss him. Amen."

On hearing Jed, Lou couldn't help but feel hurt that her son hadn't included her in his prayers. However, she kept smiling, a smile that ached more than the pain coursing through her body for the last month. "Are you done, honey?" she asked in a tiny voice. The boy nodded and rising to his feet, slid into bed. Louise arranged the bedding around his body to make sure he was well tucked in. "Good night, Jed," Lou said and as she leaned forward to kiss him, the boy shifted his face and moved away from her. Louise stood frozen, not surprised but admittedly wounded by his refusal. With a sigh she straightened up and after blowing out the lamp, she walked to the door, and just as she was going to leave, she turned and said in a whisper, "I love you, my boy."

The boy didn't even stir and kept his eyes closed, his back turned to Lou. She breathed in, trying to control her fragile emotions, as she closed the door slowly. While she continued along the corridor, she kept repeating to herself that she needed to be patient, that Jed was a child and it wouldn't be like this forever.

There was still light coming from Isa's bedroom. The girl, clad in her nightgown, was sitting on the edge of the bed, her legs dangling to and fro, and her hands clasping a box on her lap. "Isa, you should already be in bed," Lou said as she entered.

"I was waiting for you, Mama."

"Did you say your prayers?"

The girl nodded. "I want to show something, Ma, something important."

"Good, but first get in bed before you catch a cold," Lou reprimanded and Isa obeyed straightaway. Louise helped her to get under the covers. Isa didn't lie down, but remained sat up and holding the box against her chest. "So what is that important thing you want to show me?"

"This is my treasure box for you, Mama. I've kept everything for you here since I was... uh... four. Pa made the box and Jed wrote that... I couldn't write then."

Louise's heart almost jumped as she saw the paper glued on the lid with just two wiggly words "_For mama". _Jed had written those two words and the mere notion that there was a time her boy apparently regarded her with fondness filled her with sheer joy.

"Would you like to see what's inside, Ma?"

"Of course," Lou replied and the girl opened the lid. The inside was full of dry flowers, little rocks and lots and lots of pictures. Pictures with _happy birthday, Mama, Merry Christmas, Mama, Happy Easter, Mama,_ or simply colored drawings of landscapes, the ranch, flowers, the family, the school... One by one Isa explained every single item to her mother and why she had kept them in her special box.

"Ain't there anything from your brother, honey?" Lou asked.

"This is my box."

"Then he has another box with other things?" Lou asked again hopefully.

"I don't think so," Isa replied slowly. "He likes drawing but I think Natalie has most of his drawings. He didn't think you would want any, since you couldn't see them," She explained hastily, seeing Lou's face fall. After Lou's eyes stayed sad for a few moments, the girl asked, "Mama, don't you like my box?"

The quivery note in the child's voice made Lou react quickly. "Oh no, sweetie. I love your box and I love you." Lou brought her daughter against her chest and placed a kiss on top of her head. "I love you so much."

Isa lifted her joyful eyes to her mother, feeling in total bliss. She thought she was the luckiest girl in the whole word for having the best parents who loved her so much. When Ma had been sick, she had been sad and lonely, despite having Papa, but now that her mama was awake, everything was so much better.

"Well, Sugar Bear. It's really late... very, very late," Lou said in an exaggerated way that made Isa giggle. "Let's put all these back and you, young lady, get ready to sleep."

As they replaced the items back in the box, Lou's attention was drawn to a couple of pictures where Isa had painted the family on the ranch, especially a figure in a discreet corner. Lou could identify everyone clearly: Kid on Katy, Jed and his book, Buck and his shiny, black hair next to Jenny and their two daughters... even Teaspoon with his long, gray hair. However, that lone figure in black clothes attracted Lou's curiosity. "Who's this, Isa?"

Isa glimpsed at the picture her mother was pointing at and said, "That's Natalie."

Louise frowned. "Why did you draw her in black clothes?"

Isa shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know."

Lou peered at the picture more closely and noticed how different that face looked from the others. The mouth was just a straight line and the eyes were big and expressionless. "And that sour face, honey?"

"Because she's not a happy person," Isa replied matter-of-factly.

"Natalie ain't a happy person?"

Isa shook her head. "She often gets upset and angry," the girl explained. "But I know it's because she's kind of lonely and has no family like us. Her husband died and she told me once she couldn't have babies. It's really sad, don't you think, Mama?" Isa didn't wait for her mother to answer, and she continued, "Aunt Emma explained to me and Michael once that some people are a bit bad-tempered because they're hurting inside. Do you think that's why Natalie is sometimes angry, Mama? She even was angry with Papa one time."

"Maybe... I don't know," Louise replied slowly. Since she had woken up, she had had this instinctive dislike to Natalie, feeling that the woman was invading her space. The fact her son preferred that woman to her was one of the main reasons. It couldn't be easy for Natalie to deal with her either. Natalie had looked after the children for years and it was just natural that feelings for them grew in her, especially when Natalie had no children of her own. Lou guessed that her awakening and presence had been a surprise to everybody, which also included Natalie. She'd be unsure of the place she had in the house now and Lou imagined that after these years Natalie was simply doing her job, what she had always done. It was ridiculous, Lou reflected, to think that Natalie was against her.

Maybe she should follow Isa's words and be merciful and understanding. Natalie would never have children and those she had cared for or would care for in the future would never be hers fully. _It was very sad_, Lou thought as she covered her daughter with the quilt, removed her small glasses and gave her a final kiss. Just thinking about how she had felt, back when she thought she might never have children made Louise shiver sympathetically and she told herself that she'd try to make an effort and get on better with Natalie. Maybe that would even help her with Jed... hopefully. And with those thoughts in mind, she left the bedroom, longing for her husband and feeling that she understood things better... much better.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 28**

_March 1872_

Curled up by the fireplace, Lou looked up from her book at the sound of shouting outside. Setting the book aside, she went over to her window and pushed aside the lace curtain to look at what was causing such a racket. The children, stir-crazy, had gone outside to play in the snow and Natalie had gone outside to watch them. Natalie was idling on the porch in her coat and hat, drinking a cup of hot tea, as the children shrieked at one another furiously over something Lou couldn't quite follow. Lou's eyes glanced back at Natalie, who looked bored and inattentive.

_Nice work if you can get it_, Lou thought irritably. They were paying that woman to stand there doing nothing, it looked like. The children were flinging snow at each other a little too vigorously for Lou's liking, and as she struggled with the sash to open it and call out to them, tell them to take it a little easier, one of Isa's snowballs went over Jed's head and into Natalie's face.

Lou paused, startled, and Natalie set her cup down, stalking over to Isa. Through the window, Lou could see Natalie grasping Isa by the arm firmly and bending down to say something to her. Though she could see Isa's crestfallen face, she could not hear the words that were spoken. Isa nodded her head and, following Natalie's pointed finger, went and stood on the porch facing the wall, where Lou saw the girl was weeping quietly with shame.

Lou struggled into her own coat and gloves, and went out on the porch. Natalie was now making a snowman with Jed while Isa stood against the wall alone.

"Go inside, honey," Lou said, quietly. "It's too cold out here unless you're moving around." Isa looked worriedly at her mother, but Lou just smiled back. "Your punishment is up, officially. Go sit by the fire and wait for me, okay?"

"Mrs. Mortimer?" Lou called.

Natalie turned, her face pink and sparkling in the cold, her eyes bluer than ever against the blue of her woolen hood. "Yes, Mrs. McCloud?"

"Can we have a word, please?" Lou was already shivering in the cold, but waited until Natalie came to the steps. Jed remained at the snowman, but his face was too studiedly avoiding looking at them, and Lou knew that he was listening. Sighing, she said, "Mrs. Mortimer, why was Isa the only one punished for throwing snowballs?"

Natalie put her hands in her pockets, puzzled. "She was the one who threw a snowball in my face; there's a difference, ma'am. It's one thing to have a snowball fight, it's another to throw snow into a grownup's face, don't you think?"

"I don't think it was on purpose," Lou pointed out.

Shrugging, Natalie said, "Well, perhaps if she's punished for it, she'll be more careful and avoid accidents in the future. If you think Jed should be punished too, then by all means, I certainly have no say in the matter."

Jed scowled at Lou and ran in the house, muttering under his breath about people who don't know what they're talking about making trouble that wasn't called for. Lou glanced back at Natalie and saw the hint of amusement in the other woman's eye ... and turned helplessly on her heel to follow her children into the house.

Natalie grinned over the memory when she thought about it later that evening, on her way to the barn. Louise obviously had no idea how to handle Jed, and it wasn't likely Lou would win loyal little Jed's heart away from her anytime soon, if ever. The thought that someone cared, someone was on her side, especially the boy who had taken her own lost child's place in her heart, meant the world to her right now when she felt so all alone.

She saw that a light was on in the barn; Kid usually hitched her buggy for her and left the horse and buggy in the barn for her to drive home, and it was time to leave. Without thinking, she pushed the door to the barn open.

Looking around, she saw that the horse wasn't hitched up as she had expected. Suddenly she realized that she was not alone in the barn; there were strange, muffled sounds coming from the far stall. Seeing the tack room light was on, she rushed to it, looking for Kid, but the room was empty. Creeping to the door, she peeped through and saw that there were two sets of feet showing under the stall door across from her. Kid's feet and Lou's small ones, standing between his. Natalie began to go faint, nauseous, as she realized what was happening.

"C'mon, Kid, don't be shy. It won't be the first time we did a little riding in the stable," Lou's voice purred huskily, and Natalie went cold with horror as Kid protested, feebly.

"That was ten years ago," he laughed. "I'm an old man now, a father of two."

"You need a little more encouragement, I see," Lou said. Natalie heard and saw Kid's belt buckle hit the floor of the stall.

"Lou ... the ... the kids might come out ... it's still light out," he said, but his protest was cut off with a moan as Louise dropped to her knees in the stall, and Kid's hand gripped the door of the stall suddenly. "Lou," he moaned, and Natalie sat numbly listening as that ... that horrible woman serviced him there in the stall like some whore would. The few minutes that followed, filled with Kid's cries of pleasure mixed with protests that someone could discover them, were agony for her, breaking her heart with every moment that passed, every sound, every panting breath the man she loved drew. Kid finished with an unmistakable groan of pleasure, and the barn grew quiet; finally, Natalie came to her senses and went to push the door open and make her getaway, but the stable door swung open unexpectedly. She ducked back, wishing that a hole would open up in the floor and swallow her up permanently.

She need not have worried about being noticed; Kid was carrying Louise astraddle in front of him, her legs wrapped around him, as the two of them kissed as if they would never stop. Natalie saw that Lou's scrawny legs were bare to the hip, her undergarments scattered over the stall, as Kid stumbled toward the hayloft. When he almost tripped and fell, they giggled foolishly together and Lou disengaged herself.

"Where do you think you're going?" Lou protested, and Kid shook his head.

"You're not getting away that easy," he teased her, slipping a hand inside her dress and opening it to the waist. Her bony chest was fully exposed as he fondled her. "It's your turn now. Upstairs."

"You don't have to," Lou said, suddenly shy and pulling her dress together. "I don't mind taking care of you ... you took care of me so long."

"Not the way I wanted to," he said, picking her up again and carrying her awkwardly up the ladder to the hayloft. Natalie waited, feeling dead inside, until she was sure they were too preoccupied to notice any movement from her, and then walked like a condemned woman to the door, amid her hated rival's shrieks and groans as Kid gave her what Natalie longed for, over and over ... and walked out, leaning despairingly against the door outside.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 29**

_March 1872_

Giggles resounded in the house as Louise and her daughter walked into the deserted and spotless kitchen. Isa looked around the place and a crease of worry formed in her forehead as she whispered, "Mama, Natalie doesn't like anybody messing around in her kitchen. Are you sure about this?"

Lou's smile didn't falter a bit, as bright as it had been when they had stepped into the kitchen. She tilted her little girl's face to her as she said, "Sweetheart, this is '_our_' kitchen, not Natalie's. She simply works here." Lou knew that the blonde woman often inaccurately referred to the place as "_her kitchen_" and Lou had even overheard her saying "_my Jed_" once. It was probably something born out of habit, and everybody had done something similar sometime when you felt a special bond to something or somebody.

At her mother's words Isa nodded her head but she was still a bit concerned. "And do you think Pa will like it?"

"Oh, yeah, he's gonna love it!" Lou exclaimed. It was Kid's birthday tomorrow and she thought she could try baking a simple sponge cake for him. They could have a nice dinner, just the four of them, and then she'd like to present him with a cake that she and Isa made. Lou would like Jed to join them but she knew it was a waste of time to ask him.

"Natalie always made a cake for him," Isa explained.

"Did she?" Lou asked unenthusiastically. The girl nodded. Lifting her index finger in the air in a comical way, Louise added, "But our cake is... different. It has a special, secret, magical ingredient."

"A magical ingredient? What magical ingredient, Mama?"

"Love, lots of love," Lou replied with a wink. Isa giggled as her mother ruffled her too long bangs teasingly. "Well, let's get started, honey, before your father comes back from taking those horses and ruins our surprise." She instructed Isa to get her the ingredients while she tried to locate the rest of the things. Soon, the worktops were crowded with bowls, different spoons, sugar, eggs, butter, salt, and milk. And as Lou ran her eyes through each item, she let out a peal of laughter as she exclaimed, "My, my, we forgot the most important thing!"

"The magical ingredient?" Isa asked.

Louise laughed again. "No, honey. You can't find love in the cupboards. We already have plenty, don't we?" Louise remarked, touching the girl's tiny nose with her index finger. "What we need is flour."

"I know where it is!" Isa exclaimed and before Lou could react, the girl ran to open a cabinet and grabbed the sack with the flour. The weight was too much for her and she dropped it accidentally, making the flour escape from one of the openings and cover the floor and part of the counters with a fine layer of white powder.

"Oh..." Isa gasped, her cheeks burning and her lip quivering. Louise smiled, and placing a finger under the girl's chin, she made the girl meet her eyes. "Don't worry, honey. We'll clean later." Isa nodded and grinned happily. Louise crouched to pick up the sack from the floor and when she stood back up, a wave of nausea shook her and the room seemed to spin around her.

"Mama?" Isa asked concerned as she quickly noticed her mother pale and grab the edge of the counter while closing her eyes.

"I'm fine, honey," Louise replied as the dizziness gradually passed but her stomach still felt a bit queasy. "Just the usual stuff. I guess I still can't quit taking the tonic Dr. Harris prescribed." She had recently stopped drinking the medicine that helped her with her nausea since she hadn't felt sick for a while, but there she was back again. "Honey, let me get it. I left a bottle in the study," Louise said as she wiped her daughter's face that was also smudged with flour. "In the meantime, Isa, you can do something. Just transfer six cups of flour into this bowl."

"I can do that, Mama," the girl replied happily, accepting the little cup from her mother.

"Good. I'll be back in a minute."

Natalie gruffly tugged at the hanging bloomers and shoved them into the basket, venting all her anger and irritation against the innocent garment. "Damn her!" she muttered between gritted teeth. These past few days had been torture for her as she couldn't stop thinking about what she had been witness to in the barn. How could he? How could he fall into Louise's trap so stupidly? Natalie cringed as she remembered her laughter, her husky voice, her moans of pleasure as Kid gave her what Natalie longed for with all her heart. She was standing at a losing end and had never expected things to change so much for her. Her heart had wanted to believe that Kid would have realized by now that he already had a family in his children and her..._How could he be with his hideous wife after being with me?_

Natalie paused and inhaled deeply to control the tears of anger that threatened to spill. She told herself she wasn't acting or thinking sensibly. She shouldn't blame Kid. He was an honorable and decent man and that was what had always attracted her, what she loved about him. Natalie really believed he was just a victim tied in this marriage, and that he was in love with the ideal image he had of his wife, rather than with the real person she was. He couldn't love her now. Natalie knew he just couldn't despite what he might claim.

Natalie picked up the laundry basket and headed for the house. She was feeling so livid and powerless. Talking to Kid was not an option; he would never admit his real feelings to her, and would rather keep living the lie his present life was. _Damn Louise McCloud, damn her_, Natalie thought furiously, as she kicked the kitchen door open and dropped the basket onto the floor.

The thump startled Isa, who turned her eyes from the bowl to the woman at the door. Natalie's eyes narrowed as she scanned the place, the floor and all the surfaces were covered in flour, the tops crammed with bowls. Seeing the kitchen in such a mess made her bubbling anger soar. "What on earth are you doing, Isa? How many times do I have to tell you? The kitchen is not a place to play in!"

Isa lowered her face in shame. "I'm sorry," she muttered, feeling the tears cover her blue eyes and wetting the crystal shapes of her glasses.

Natalie grabbed the broom from behind the door and started sweeping the floor energetically. "I guess those ugly glasses your precious mommy got you don't cure stupidity… Your father hired me to get some sense into your thick head, though it looks like a lost cause."

A loud bang stopped her angry tirade and Natalie looked up to find Louise standing at the door. Lou was red with contained anger. Yet, as she shifted her eyes to the young girl, her face softened. Louise removed her glasses and wiped her teary eyes. "Why don't you go and see where your brother is? We'll finish baking later," Louise said.

Isa nodded, as she took the glasses back from her mother and perched them back on her nose. When the girl left the kitchen, Lou turned to Natalie. "That's the way you talk to my children?" Lou exclaimed angrily.

"Do you see the mess she made of this kitchen? She's old enough to know better than to play with flour like a baby," Natalie flared back defensively.

"It was an accident, first of all. Second, and more important, my daughter is a young girl, a seven-year-old, and you had no right to talk to her that way." Lou had been shocked when she had heard Natalie insulting her sweet daughter, calling her stupid.

"I didn't say anything..."

"Like hell you didn't!" Louise flared. "You called her stupid and made her cry! And I... her _precious mommy_... I am not going to allow you to treat my children as if they were garbage!"

Natalie was surprised by Louise's vehement speech. As she heard the woman's angry rebuke, Natalie had to admit that she shouldn't have talked to Isa like that. The clumsy girl often gave her too much grief, but Natalie knew how to deal with her without losing her temper. Yet, today anger and frustration about other things made her lose control. Natalie knew that Isa's likeness to her mother had also sparked her fury. Maybe that was the reason why she hadn't been as close to the girl as she had been to her brother. Shamefaced, she stammered, "I... I... guess I got carried away. I have too much in my head and it's natural I..."

"That is not an excuse," Lou replied in a serious tone. "Children are untouchable. You just can't trample over them just because you had a bad day. People who can't be patient and treat children as they deserve should not work with them."

"What are you saying?"

"Your time with us is over," Lou stated in a very cold voice. "Needless to say, despite everything we'll pay you what we owe you."

"You can't fire me!" Natalie shrieked, a threatening finger pointing in Lou's direction. "You have no right."

"What?"

"Your husband hired me, not you! Natalie spat. "I'll only leave when he says so, not a single second before."

Lou was totally shocked at the insolence of the woman. "How dare you! This is my house!" Natalie crossed her arms over her chest, looking at Louise straight in the eye, implying that she didn't plan to budge an inch. "All right," Lou ranted. "I'll talk to my husband...oh yeah, I will, and you won't be under my roof one more day."

Natalie smirked insolently. "Then I have nothing to fear. He won't fire me. He knows he can't leave his children and house at the mercy of a clumsy clown like you are. He needs me!"

Her eyes shone and a smile played at her lips as she saw the astounded expression in Louise's face. Oh... how much she'd enjoy if she could throw in her face that Kid had needed and used her in all senses. She had been the woman of his house completely, and she still was in practical terms. Yet, Natalie bit her tongue, and turning on her heel, she walked out, lifting her chin in a proud way and feeling a pleasure beyond words.


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 30**

_March 1872_

Opening the kitchen door with a call, "Anybody to home?" Emma stuck her head in and saw an exhausted-looking Lou, covered with flour, mopping the floor while little Isa sat at the table spreading pink frosting on a birthday cake. "Lou? Why are you doing that, sweetheart? Where's Natalie?" Emma asked indignantly.

"I gave her the day off," Lou said shortly. "Actually, I fired her."

"What on earth ... well, I can't say I'm surprised, Lou. I've been meaning to talk to you about how she treats the children ... well, Isa anyway, and - -"

Lou nodded. "I know. I saw it for myself today, believe me." She leaned against the mop and wiped her face tiredly. "What bothers me is that she doesn't seem to think she's fired."

Emma laid her bonnet on the shelf by the door and took the mop from Lou's hand. "Sit down and let me finish this. What do you mean, she doesn't think she's fired? What did you say?"

While Emma continued mopping, Lou sat down beside Isa with a smile for the little girl. "I said she's fired. And she says she's not. She says only Kid can fire her and she's pretty convinced he won't, for some reason. I guess I have to wait until the 'real boss' comes home to get it through her thick skull." Lou sighed. Baking the cake and mopping the floor was leaving her spent, she admitted to herself. And she was getting tired even more than usual lately, even with Natalie around to do most of the housework. "I guess she means that he won't think I can handle everything around here. Maybe she's right. Maybe I should keep her on just to do some of the heavier work while the children are in school, a few days a week, but . . ."

Emma wrung out the mop and looked troubled; Lou looked sharply at her. "Emma, what is it?"

"Isa, honey, would you mind if your ma and I had a little grown-up ladies' talk, for maybe ten minutes? I'm sorry . . ."

A hint of a pout crossed the little pixie's face at being excluded from this extremely interesting conversation, but she obediently clambered down from her perch and went to find her brother to play in his room.

"Lou, I think you should know that I've been concerned about Natalie being here for a few months, since just before Teaspoon's funeral. I hadn't said anything because, well, so much has been going on, since then," she said fondly, giving the floor another once-over with the mop as she spoke. "But that woman is trouble. She is too attached to Jed, pays no attention to Isa -"

Shrugging, Lou said, "That's true, but if she stays on just as a maid, I suppose that doesn't matter so much, does it? I hate to fire her after all her service here, all she's done for Kid. I don't know."

"Follow your instincts, Lou. Fire her, get her out of the house entirely."

This time Lou stared more intently at Emma. She knew something else was going on here. Had Natalie abused the children before this incident? Was that it? She persisted, "What else has she done, Emma? The truth, now. I need to know."

Emma's face twitched slightly; she hated carrying tales out of school, but her suspicious nature distrusted Natalie. "It's not healthy for her, for anyone," she hedged. "She's too attached to Jed ... and to Kid," she finally mumbled.

There was a slight pause during which Lou's face turned cold and hard, and she stood up and squared her shoulders ominously. "What is that supposed to mean? Are you suggesting there's something going on between her and Kid? Are you saying that's why she doesn't think he'll fire her, because they're ... they're lovers?" she said, her voice rising with mingled indignation at the suggestion that Kid would stray, and fear that it was true. It would explain so much . . .

"Of course not! No, honey, he would never be unfaithful to you. Never. But she has feelings for him, and before you woke up, she was considering acting on them. She wanted to be his mistress."

Lou sat down at the table again, shakily. "How do you know that? Did she tell you that? I didn't think you two were such good friends that she'd confide in you like that."

"I ... I heard her talking about it with Rachel."

The room grew quiet again. "I suppose Rachel told her it wasn't right, that she should find a single man, right? Right, Emma?"

Emma looked away at the end of the mop handle she was leaning on and sighed. "No. It was her idea," she said, reluctantly. "She told Natalie that Kid would be better off if he gave her a chance."

Lou's eyes lit up with rage, and Emma bit her lip, putting the mop in the bucket. "Now, Lou, nothing came of it, so let's not get too overwrought over it. Rachel probably meant well," she started, but Lou was ripping off her large coverall apron and flinging it against the wall.

"That so-called _friend_," Lou spat. "I guess that explains why she's barely looked me in the face since I've been awake again. How could she?" She stomped to the hallway, pulling her coat and hat down from the pegs by the door. "Emma, could you watch the children for me? I won't be long."

"Where are you going?" Emma asked, following her. "Lou, it's freezing out and - -"

"I'm going to have a few words with Rachel. I want to hear from her why she would do that to me, betray our friendship that way," Lou stormed. "Please, Emma? I need to do this." When Emma sighed and nodded, Lou finished tying on her scarf and opened the door, bracing herself against the strong wind that kicked up and blew the still-remaining snow about the yard, and headed out.

* * *

Lou's teeth were chattering in her head as she pulled up in the wagon in front of Rachel's house. She saw Natalie's rig and horse parked outside, and her heart dropped in her chest. Natalie was here ... here, with Rachel who had been her best friend. Her best friend. This woman had stolen the affection of her son, and the friendship of the dearest friend she had ever had. So completely that Rachel, even dear Rachel who had helped her so much with her romance with Kid, who had given her the very nightgown she had worn the night she gave herself to him, who had stood beside her on her wedding day, took Natalie's side and believed Kid and her family were better off with Natalie in their lives. Lou got down, her legs shaking, and went up the steps slowly, standing on the porch.

She ached with pain over Rachel's betrayal, but even worse was the jealousy and sorrow over losing her best friend. Sitting there, she started to feel deflated, as if she were making a fool of herself by coming here and upbraiding Rachel in front of her new best friend. But looking in the window, she saw Natalie and Rachel laughing and talking together, much as she and Rachel had laughed and talked, and Lou's blood started to boil. She grabbed the door knocker and slammed it several times with vicious jerks, and in a moment, Rachel opened the door.

"Lou ... what are you doing here?" Rachel asked.

Behind her, Natalie piped up, "Yes ... who's watching the children and cleaning up that mess Isa made? Or is that why you're here, to get me to come back and clean up, like usual?" Natalie sniped.

Rachel said sharply, "Natalie, please."

"I'm here to talk to you, about the advice you gave Natalie, actually. I hear you thought she'd make a good match for my husband, and you told her to try to get him for herself. Do I have that right?"

Natalie and Rachel exchanged an awkward glance.

"Don't try to deny it. Emma told me about the plotting you two did. I know you didn't get anywhere with Kid, but that's not the point. Rachel, how could you?"

"Because, maybe, she thought Kid should be happy?" Natalie said, getting up and crossing her arms over her chest. "You were dead, dead in all the ways that mattered, and nobody thought you'd ever wake up. Are you so selfish you'd rather he be alone and miserable all his life than have a little happiness? Are you? He should just wait on you like a slave, and never be with a woman again, I suppose?" she flared angrily.

Rachel swallowed hard, nervously. Lou obviously didn't know the whole truth, but Natalie was getting dangerously close to blurting it out. Rachel wished that Emma had stayed out of it, almost as much as she wished she herself had stayed out of it months ago when she advised Natalie in the first place. Rachel cursed inwardly. She didn't want to know what that would do to Kid's marriage if Natalie or she gave away that the advice she had given had been acted on, to the letter, with Kid's full and willing participation. Rachel knew Kid wanted to tell Lou and tell her on his own terms. Rachel couldn't bear to see that opportunity lost for Kid, who had made a human choice, one that she could understand as a woman of the world but that Lou might not, not in her vulnerable state. "Natalie, that's enough. Please, can you go in the kitchen a few minutes and calm down? This is between me and Louise. Please."

Natalie whirled and stomped into the kitchen, and Rachel turned back to Lou.

"Lou, I'm sorry about interfering like I did. Please believe me that I did it with good intentions, and not to hurt you. I still love you as much as ever."

"Then how could you encourage her to steal my husband? You're not my friend anymore, you're hers," Lou said, angrily but with real hurt and tears behind the anger.

"Louise, remember when I said I'd been alive a lot longer'n you, seen a lot more things? Right before you told me about what happened to you when you were working in St. Joe?"

Lou scrubbed a sleeve across her eyes. "What's that got to do with it? You're going to throw that in my face again? That you've been livin' and seein' things all this time while I been asleep, like a useless corpse? Does that make you always right, or make what you did right?"

"No, but I've been here, helping raise those children along with Kid and Natalie, and the others too, of course. I've been here to see Kid turn into a lonely old man, bitter, morose. Turning away from joy and from life. I saw what missing you was doing to him, to the children. I just thought that if the family could find some happiness through Natalie, that would be for the best, that you would want that."

Lou wavered, but stubbornly persisted, "Maybe ... but it wasn't for you to make trouble, to suggest it. If Kid wanted it for himself ... well, that would never happen. Never, he would never be untrue to me."

Rachel recalled her training at the card table, and kept her face carefully poised and calm, but not suspiciously so. "Lou, I hope we can get past this. If I had known you might wake up, I never would have suggested anything to Natalie. I just thought that Kid was too young to live a life alone ..."

"But you of all people," Lou said, her voice stiff with repressed tears. "You never remarried after you lost Henry ..."

"No, but I took comfort here and there. It ain't the same and I never supposed it would be for Kid either, but before you judge ... just remember, I know well as Kid how it feels to lose the love of your life and to be alone. I got driven to drink over it ... until I learned to take some happiness where I could, even if ..." Rachel sighed. "I wanted to help him, not hurt you," she said, regretfully. "I'm sorry, though, and I do wish I had kept quiet, but watching him for eight years suffer like he did, I just wanted him to take what comfort he could if he was inclined to. That's all."

"Well, lucky for me he's too noble, too good, to even look at another woman," Lou said, her chin high and a note of pride in her voice. "Your new friend never stood a chance, not even just at offering 'comfort' as you call it."

Rachel kept silent; it was Kid's confession to make and she wouldn't make it for him. She wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. She watched at the window as Lou's small, stubborn-shouldered figure went out to her buckboard and climbed up to return home. "Goodbye, Lou," she whispered sadly to herself as Lou drove away.


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 31**

_March 1872_

After Louise had driven away, Rachel stepped off the window with a sad face. She hated how things had turned out between her and Lou. Louise had been her best friend years ago and Rachel had even regarded her as the daughter she never had. When Louise had fallen into that endless sleep, the pain had hit her terribly. Of course, time had managed to soften that heartache, or at least she had been able to live with it, but she had always missed her friend and had done everything she could to help Kid care for her and their children. Lou's sudden recovery had been the greatest joy they all had in years. It was like a miracle, an impossible dream come true.

Just the same she had stayed away from the ranch since Lou's awakening on purpose, only visiting occasionally. She was as fond of Louise as always, but she had felt unable to look her friend in the eye, knowing how she had encouraged Natalie and she had ended up in Kid's arms. At the time Rachel had really believed she was doing the family good. Lou had been gone in all practical senses and Kid and children needed a woman in their lives. So who could have been better than the woman who was already part of their daily lives and was in love with Kid? Rachel had thought that Natalie was the person who could fill the void that Lou had left. She was a good and honest woman, who seemed the perfect match for the family.

Even before Lou had woken up, it was obvious that Kid had only slept with Natalie because she was there and offering herself. It never would have happened if Natalie had not encouraged it, based in part on Rachel's own encouragement. It would have been harmless enough if Lou had remained as they all expected her to, but since Lou had miraculously woken up, in retrospect it all seemed different now. She wished wearily, for Kid's sake, for Lou's, and even for Natalie's, that she had known then what she knew now, and had kept her meddling mouth shut like Emma had warned her she should have.

Rachel sighed as she walked into her parlor. Natalie appeared from the kitchen and slumped into the armchair. When Rachel sat down on the sofa across from her, the younger woman couldn't contain her curiosity. "So what did she have to say to you?"

"Uh... nothing… much," Rachel replied vaguely. She didn't feel comfortable repeating the disagreement she and Lou had just had to the woman who was at the root of it. "She doesn't suspect you and Kid, and I hope you don't say anything, Nat."

Natalie shifted uncomfortably. "Rach, I don't know. Maybe it's better if this secret were out in the open."

Rachel's eyes widened, and she leaned forward. "Natalie Mortimer, I'm telling you … don't."

"I know, I know, I'll lose my job if I tell," Natalie said, picking up her tea and tilting the cup to her mouth. She grimaced as the tea had gone stone cold.

"That's not the reason! It's because it's not your place to tell her," Rachel exclaimed. "Why on earth would you tell her anyway? What good would it do?"

Natalie's eyes went misty. "I always heard about her temper. You saw it just now - how mad she got just because you had the nerve to suggest that Kid sleep with someone else."

"Yes, so …"

"So, maybe if she finds out the truth, she'll leave him. Then Kid would be free to be with me. What do you think, Rachel? You've always been so supportive of me and Kid. Don't you think that might work? "

Rachel took Natalie's hand in hers and stared into her eyes. "No. Stop having those ideas about Kid. He's a married man."

"But I'm sure he doesn't feel anything for her," Natalie carried on stubbornly. "No normal man could feel anything more than pity her. I know he wants me, I'm pretty sure he longs for a life with me, but he's so honorable that he's ready to sacrifice his whole life and us for that woman."

"Natalie, honey, you're wrong," Rachel answered in an urgent tone. "There's not an 'us'; I'm afraid there has never been. I know I encouraged you before, but you have to stand aside. Kid's married to Lou."

"Well, he wouldn't be the first one to get a divorce. He and those children are more mine than hers."

"Natalie, quit it!" Rachel insisted. "You're seeing just what you want to see. Honey, wake up. Leave that house and start living your own life. You're a young, beautiful woman and it's not fair for you or anybody to force yourself in shoes that don't fit you."

Natalie stared at Rachel unblinkingly as she considered her friend's words in her mind. Could it be true? Was she so blind as not to see the reality? Maybe Rachel was right... Kid had never loved her... had only used her. Could she have confused his kindness and affability for something else? She couldn't even say she had good memories of the night ... of the few minutes they had shared their bodies. Suddenly, she felt dirty and cheap, and the tears flowed from her eyes and sobs shook her body. The teacup dropped to the rug and Natalie hid her face in her hands. Rachel hugged her younger friend around her shoulders. "I'm so sorry, Nat. I shouldn't have encouraged you to pursue a married man. I thought the circumstances … well, I was wrong, and this is hurting three people I care about more than anything," Rachel said softly, smoothing the other woman's tumbled golden hair.

"I love him... I still love him," Natalie sobbed against Rachel's shoulder.

"I know, but honey, he has a life... Do as I told you and leave that house. Stop that suffering for your own good."

Natalie lifted her face and looked at Rachel in horror. "I can't... I can't do that. My boy is there and..."

"Natalie, Jed is not your boy."

"He needs me, Rachel," Natalie insisted. "He doesn't love his mother... I just can't leave him there."

Rachel sighed. "Well, he needs to learn who Louise is and you're not doing him any favors confusing him like that. That's not fair for a young child like him."

Natalie felt fresh tears wet her tears again and rising to her feet, she said, "I'm sorry, but I can't do that." And before Rachel could react, Natalie ran crying hysterically out of the house, mourning for the loss of an impossible dream, longing for just a tiny part of the life she had known so far and was crumbling down at her feet.

* * *

Louise sat dejectedly at the kitchen table. She was feeling very lonely and miserable. After her argument with Rachel, her insides were in a turmoil. In fact, she wasn't really even angry. As she had reflected on her friend's words, Lou could even admit that Rachel had meant well, and after all, no harm had come from her advice. Yet, Louise couldn't help but feel bitter, disappointed and jealous... yes, jealous. Rachel had been her special friend and their friendship had gone beyond the limits of simple affinity. Lou had always regarded her as an older sister or even the mother she had lost so many years ago. Rachel had been her confidante for years, the shoulder to cry on when she and Kid broke up, the soul to share her joy with when he had finally proposed or her support when she had been a nervous wreck days before her wedding. So many things they had lived together, so many of her few memories of the last half of her life had her dear friend at their heart. Rachel had been the first one after Kid to learn that Jed was on his way; she had been at his birth and a constant help in the first months of her son's life. And now... it seemed that Rachel had found her a replacement in Natalie and apparently she had wanted that woman to take Lou's position in all aspects... even in her husband's and children's lives.

Her conversation with Rachel had been a second awakening to the living world. Lou finally realized what her state had really meant for all those around her. Everybody had kept on living while she was dead, dead to everyone. Now she could understand why she had the strange sensation she couldn't fit anywhere. It was as if she had lost her position in life and her unexpected return was bringing about more bad than good. She wasn't supposed to be living... she was supposed to have died and not occupying a place that seemed uncomfortable to everybody, especially her son.

Louise buried her face in her hands as the tears overflowed her eyes. She knew that she had many blessings; her family was a constant joy, even with Jed's attitude marring it. However, she was feeling especially sensitive and Rachel's betrayal was hurting her more than she could have bargained for. Whenever she remembered Natalie sitting in Rachel's parlor as Lou had done herself many times, sheer bitterness and jealousy shook her. The day had started so bright and beautiful... so happy and all that was darkened by the clouds that had gathered this afternoon. But then again, her moods had been volatile for a week or two as it was; perhaps she was overreacting. She tried to tell herself that, to put the incident behind her, but for some reason she felt unable to do it.

The sound of the front door closing followed by heavy steps startled her. She knew it was Kid coming back from his errand. Not wanting him to find her like this, Louise rose to her feet and wiped her eyes from the remainder of the tears. She tried to busy herself with a distraction and started to wash up some cups that were already cleaned.

Kid smiled as she crossed the living room, holding the present that he had bought for Lou, a chain with a heart pendant he knew she'd love. A few seconds later, he stepped into the kitchen and on seeing her, he smiled, "Hey, beautiful!"

Lou didn't turn round and muttered a muffled greeting while she kept her eyes downcast and her back turned to him. Kid frowned in concern at her reaction. He had been away just for the day, but that wasn't the reaction he'd expect. His wife always had a way to let him know how much she had missed him. Even when he came to check on her in the middle of the day, Lou threw herself to his arms as soon as she saw him. Then they did some kissing, which sometimes got so heated that more than once Kid found himself succumbing to her charms.

By the way Lou's figure was hunched, Kid could tell she was upset. He walked next to her and as he tilted her face to him he noticed her red and swollen eyes. "Lou... what's wrong?"

Louise brushed off his hand and turning away from him, she sank back down on the chair. Kid sat next to her as Lou absently kept moving her index finger on the pattern of the tablecloth. She sighed before she spoke up. "I had a very interesting conversation with Rachel just now… you know, about you, her and… Natalie." Saying that woman's name made her bristle and almost sick. At this point she lifted her eyes to look into his as she said, "Kid, I know everything. I'm so disappointed and hurt."

Kid paled and panicked. This was what he had tried to prevent, Lou learning the truth from somebody else other than him, and it had finally happened. He was lost for words, and when he managed to find his voice, he stuttered, "Lou, please... I... please let me explain. What happened between us... was... was a mistake."

Lou jumped to her feet as if the chair was on fire when she heard his sorry words. "What happened between us...," she repeated in a gasp. "What do you mean? Did you… did you sleep with her?" Kid lowered his eyes, thus answering Louise with his silence. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed as her hand flew to cover her mouth and a wave of heat and cold strangely mixed together coursed through her body.

"Please Lou let me explain," Kid tried, rising to his feet and took a step towards her.

Lou backed off. "I... I can't deal with this now... I can't," she breathed as a sob escaped her lips, and before he could react, she fled out of the room more quickly than she had been able to move in weeks.

"Lou!" Kid called after her as she tried to catch her, but Lou dashed up the stairs in a flash. The bedroom door closed in his very face and he heard the lock being turned inside. "Lou, please open up!" he kept calling while pounding the door with his fists, panicking and trembling with pain. "Please, we need to talk... please, honey, open the door. Don't do this. Please."

The loud knocks and voices continued endlessly while inside the room Louise lay shattered on top of the bed. She didn't answer, didn't move, she barely breathed. This hurt was so intense it left no room for tears, and she stared at the ceiling blankly as Kid pleaded from outside the door. Her heart was paining for a world she had known and loved, but had disappeared, all she wanted was to vanish with it and be as dead as she had been for years.

* * *

**Note: This outcome was expected, wasn't it? I'll update the story tomorrow again. Some of the chapters that follow are hard, but they also have a very nice resolution. Thanks for all your support, girls!**


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 32**

_March 1872_

Kid put the children to bed with the quietness and somberness that was so familiar to them from before their mother's awakening. Wearing their nightclothes and nightcaps, they sat on either side of him on the settee in the parlor, just like they had every night before Lou had woken up, their bare little feet sticking out toward the fireplace. He read them a story, but his voice was lifeless and wooden.

"And they lived happily ever after," he said heavily, shutting the book. "Good night, children. Up to bed." He hugged them absent-mindedly and kissed them each on the head.

"Where's Mama tonight?" Isa asked anxiously, twisting her nightgown in her hands.

"She's in bed, honey."

Isa looked up at the stairs, worried. "So early?" she whispered. Her face was so sad that even Kid in his distraction noticed.

"She'll be fine, Isa, don't worry."

"She's not falling asleep for keeps again, is she?" Isa said, her voice shaky. "That's not why you're so . . . so . . ."

Kid repentantly drew the girl to him, hugging her tight. "No. It's not that. Mama will be all right, baby." Isa smiled, reassured, and flew up the stairs. Jed lingered behind.

"Is this about Natalie, Pa? Is that what you fought about?"

The father turned, a little fiercely, on the child, who quailed back. "I just ... Isa said Ma fired Natalie today, and Natalie said it was up to you. You're not firing Natalie, are you, Pa? Please -"

"Go to bed," Kid said, a little coldly.

"Pa," the small voice persisted. Kid looked over and saw the little boy was fighting back tears. He sat down on the step and drew Jed to his knee.

"Jed, Natalie is not coming back. That I can tell you."

Jed twisted out of his father's grasp and ran upstairs, yelling, "I hate you! I hate both of you!" and slammed the door to his room. Kid could hear the boy crying in his room for his lost mother-figure despondently, but he was too tired, too upset, too despairing, to do anything to comfort him or anyone else in the miserable household. And he had no one to blame but himself for their misery.

* * *

When the children were safely asleep, he crept to his bedroom door and surprisingly it opened. Lou was sitting in the rocking chair, tilting it back and forth rapidly as she stared out the window into the blackness.

"What do you want?" she said suddenly.

"I want to explain," he started, but she cut him off.

"No more lies, Kid. I don't have it left in me to hear them."

"I didn't lie," Kid feebly protested, and Lou turned her head and glared at him disdainfully.

"No, you didn't lie, but you didn't tell the truth either, did you? You never woulda told the truth if you hadn't gotten caught," Lou accused. "Why?" she said, her voice suddenly weak and quiet. "Why, Kid? Why didn't you tell the truth about you and Natalie?"

"I was going to tell the truth, I was," Kid insisted. "But I couldn't ... you had been through so much. I didn't want to hurt you like that."

Lou stared at him as if looking at a stranger. She felt like he was a stranger. This man was not the man she had married ... or was he? She thought back ... he had lied to her once before, to keep her from being angry or jealous, and for much less reason than he had now to lie. She wanted to ask him if he loved Natalie or her, ask him who he really wanted. But she would not believe the answer, she realized.

"Get out," she said, turning her face away toward the window again.

"Please, Lou -"

"I said get out. I need to think. I don't want to hear your weak excuses anymore right now. Get out!" she said through gritted teeth.

He despondently backed out the door, and she sprang up from the chair to lock the door behind him. Leaning against it, the facts assailed her one by one. He had slept with that woman. He had not fired Natalie; no, not even when she had woken up and gotten better. Natalie hated her, looked at her jealously, so she still loved Kid, that was clear. Did Kid love Natalie? Lou's eyes flickered back and forth wildly, as she bit her lip and considered that. Natalie had been so sure, so sure that Kid wouldn't fire her. That sureness, that arrogance … maybe it wasn't arrogance so much as knowledge of the truth, that she was Kid's mistress and would remain so, as long as Kid wanted the woman and could hide it.

She didn't know what to think; Kid said he had kept the truth back to protect her. That was probably true enough as far as it went, but was he still protecting her fragile feelings? Would he admit it if he wanted out of the marriage, with all his sense of duty and obligation and ... and pity? He pities me. _That's why he tried to make it work, but ... but it was never the same. Not since I've woken up_. She had thought it was the changes in her, the time that had gone by, that made it different when she was with Kid now. But it wasn't that. It was that he wanted another, someone better than her in almost every way. It was so obvious.

She felt the walls closing in on her, now. She needed time to think, time to decide what to do, and she needed to give Kid the freedom to choose with his heart. If he wanted someone else, then he could go to her. She didn't want his pity or any man's. She jerked the drawer of her vanity table open so violently that the contents scattered in the air, and then grabbed a piece of stationery and slammed it on the desktop. She sat down to write him a letter setting him free, with tears dropping down and blurring the words on the paper. She threw away the first draft and took another paper, but she stared down at it for long moments stretching into sleepless hours before she finally found the words.

_Dear Kid,_

_I've been thinking hard about you all night long. I have so many memories, that seem so fresh and recent for me. But they're probably just distant, dim memories for you now, dust-covered and faraway. Much as I might like to live in the past, the fact is it's the past. It's gone, and time has moved on and left me behind with only my memories. I don't belong in my own life now, in your life, in the children's life._

_I know I had stopped being a wife or even a person a long time ago, and it would be too much, perhaps, to expect you not to have feelings for someone else in all that time alone. Even though it hurts me terribly, it's only natural, after all, and it shows how big a fantasy I lived in that it never even occurred to me that it could happen. Not to us. But it did, and pretending it didn't won't make it go away, won't bring back what's dead and gone. And our love died when I went to sleep for so long, like anything dies that isn't cared for and nourished, I suppose. Being angry is pointless, like being angry that the petals fall from the roses in the fall when their season ends. It happens, it happened, and we have to accept it and move on._

_I'm grateful to you for everything we shared once, for our children, and for all you've done for me and them over the last many years. I do understand that it must have been terrible for you, and I forgive you for losing the feelings you once had for me and falling for someone else._

_I really want you to be happy and not have to keep pretending just to shield me anymore. We can't rebuild what we had, not with this thing between us, not with her always there like a shadow on what we once had. I won't settle for a weak imitation of what we shared, at best, or for living in a loveless marriage._

_I'm going to Theresa's for a visit, since I'm so shaken that I can't face you right now to do what needs to be done. Of course I'll be back when I'm ready to talk about what we will do with the farm, with the children, once I've set you free. You should use this time to think about what you want, for the rest of our lives, for our children's lives. I know you well enough to know that you'll think you have to stay with me out of duty, but life is too short, Kid. Think about what you want and when I am a little stronger, I'll be back to talk to you about it._

_All my love,_

_Louise_

She moodily folded the letter, and set it back on the table. She glanced at the clock, and saw it was nearly five o'clock. Getting up quickly, she pulled out a satchel and threw some clothes in it carelessly, and took some money from the dresser drawer for the train fare to Saint Joseph. There was a single train out of Rock Creek to Saint Joseph daily, and it left at eight in the morning. She'd best hurry, since she wanted to make an important stop on the way.

She dressed and put on her coat, carrying her shoes and bag in her hand and tiptoeing to the hallway. Creeping to Jed's room, she put a hand on his arm.

"Natalie?" he murmured, and Lou bit her lip in agony at this final evidence that she had been replaced by that woman in the hearts of her husband and her little boy.

"No. It's Mama," she said gently.

He sat up sleepily, rubbing his eyes with his small hands. "What is it?"

"I'm going away for a little bit. To see Aunt Tessie, but I'll be back in a week or two, okay? You be good for Daddy, and I'll send you a telegram from Saint Joseph. How about that?"

He stared at her. "You're going away? You fired Natalie yesterday and now you're leaving too," he said slowly.

"Only for a little bit, honey …"

"Who's going to fix my breakfast and help me with my homework? Is Natalie going to stay until you get back?"

Lou stood up shakily. Kissing him on the forehead hurriedly so he wouldn't see her tears, she whispered, "That's up to your Dad. I'll see you soon, sweetheart."

She went down the hall to Isa's room, and smiled at the sight of the little one sleeping soundly in her bed. It was almost a shame to wake her, she looked like a little angel with her unbraided hair falling around her face on the pillow in waves. Lou went to the bedside and touched her hand tenderly. This little one who she hadn't even known she had was such a gift. She was seized with a sudden urge to take the girl with her to see Tessa. She didn't want Natalie near her girl, not for a minute; but she breathed in deeply and decided against it. She couldn't take the child from the only home she had ever known, and there was school to think of. Kid would take care of Isa, along with Emma and Jenny, Lou felt sure, until she could come back and sort everything out.

Isa stirred and looked up at Lou with sleepy eyes. "Hi, Mama."

"Hi, Baby Girl."

"Why are you dressed so early?"

"Well, I'm going on a visit to Aunt Tessa's. I'd take you with me, but there's school," Lou said, scrunching up her face comically at the girl. "Sorry."

"Maybe next time? I want to see Baby Mary," Isa said smilingly. "And it'd be fun, just you and me. How are you getting there?"

"I'm riding a train," Lou said, a touch of wonder in her voice. The train was for wealthy people only when she went to sleep, and there was no train station in Rock Creek. The fastest way out of town then was to ride for the Pony Express, but that was out of the question now, Lou thought wryly. Kissing Isa, she whispered, "Remember to say your prayers, darling, and be good for Miss Daniels and your Pa, okay? I'll send you a telegram when I get there. I love you."

"I love you too," Isa said, hugging her back fiercely. "Hurry back."

"I will," Lou said, holding back her tears. She kissed Annabelle Mumblepuss obediently when Isa held her up and tucked the girl back in carefully. She picked up her bag by the door and hurried down the hall and stairs. Seeing Kid asleep on the couch, she paused a moment, lingering to take a look at his troubled sleep. Who was he dreaming of, who did he long for?, she wondered. She turned away, letting him rest in sleep.

"Sweet dreams, Kid … and goodbye," she whispered before rushing out of the door as a sob escaped her lips.

* * *

_Rock Creek_

Emma stopped the buckboard at the train station in Rock Creek, and turned to Lou. "Be careful, sweet pea. Try to sleep on the train."

Lou nodded numbly.

"Don't worry. I'll look in on the children every day until you get back," Emma promised. "Just be careful, take care of yourself, and come back when you're ready."

"Thanks, Emma." Lou got down clumsily from the buggy, and looked up at her friend. "You'll take the buggy back to the farm … after the train leaves?"

"Of course, honey. I'm so sorry this happened. More than I can say," Emma said sadly. "I'm so surprised at Kid, it breaks my heart to see you hurting like this."

Lou pressed Emma's lace-clad hand and nodded, turning before the tears choked her. Emma watched from the buckboard as Lou bought her ticket and went toward the porter, handing him her bag. Suddenly she was aware that Rachel and Natalie were standing across the street, staring at Lou as she moved to the line to board the train. Rachel's face was dismayed, but Natalie's was hopeful and shining at the sight. Rachel looked irritably at Natalie, who quickly smothered her obvious delight and shrugged, turning airily to go back into Tompkins' store where the two had just been browsing when they caught sight of Lou riding by on Emma's buggy.

As Lou steadily moved toward the train, Rachel set out to cross the street, dodging between the horses and wagons. But it was too late, just as Rachel reached Emma's wagon, the train pulled out of the station with Lou on it.

"Emma … what happened?" Rachel gasped. "Where is Lou going so early, by herself … that's the train to Saint Joseph… what's going on?"

"Well, what you and your little friend wanted, I reckon," Emma said, coldly. "She's left Kid."

"What! Why?" Rachel cried out.

"She found out what happened between him and that whore you pushed on him."

Rachel looked irritably at Emma. "She isn't a whore, Emma. But never mind that … why wouldn't Lou stay and try to work it out? It was such a strange set of circumstances, after all … and I know Kid feels awful about it … surely they can get past this."

"Some people take adultery a little more seriously. I don't know if she can forgive him, or if she should. How does she know it won't happen again? He didn't even tell her the truth, not till he thought he was caught. How on earth can she ever trust him again, is beyond me, that's all I can say about that."

"Oh, Emma. Look, it isn't some great passion between Natalie and Kid. It never was. It was one time, and he has been eaten up with guilt over it ever since. He deserves another chance. He has been there for Lou for eight years, doing everything for her. He spared no expense taking care of her, he's been devoted to her completely … except for one little mistake. Doesn't years of caring outweigh one moment of givin' in to temptation?" Rachel demanded.

"That's for her to decide, isn't it?" Emma said stiffly.

Rachel sighed. "It must be nice to be so perfect you never make a mistake, Emma, or if you can afford not to forgive those who love you but make a mistake. But a little lonely, bein' that most everybody else makes mistakes now and again, even meaning the best," she said, pointedly. "I hope Lou forgives Kid, because they'll both be miserable if she can't. For the rest of their lives."

* * *

_Saint Joseph_

Theresa looked up from her lunch preparations when she heard the front door bell ring abruptly. "Who on earth …?" she wiped her hands on her apron and went to the door.

She opened it and stood openmouthed at her sister, standing before her with her satchel. "Lou?" she said, astonished. "Where's Kid?" she said feebly as Lou slipped past her into the house. Closing the door, Theresa turned and put her hand on her hip, waiting for an answer.

"I left him," Lou said simply, putting her bag on the davenport. "I need to stay here a little while."

"You … you … you …" Theresa stammered. "Lou, what on earth happened?"

"He loves someone else. Natalie."

"Oh, Lou … that's ridiculous!" Theresa exclaimed, staring at her sister as if she had lost her mind.

Lou sank into a chair, exhausted. "He admitted it. They've been sleeping together." She looked away, despondent, and Theresa went pale with sympathy, sitting on the arm of the chair and hugging Lou tightly.

"Oh, Lou, I can't believe it … I can't … Did he say he loves her?" she asked, disbelieving.

"I assume so," Lou said dully. "He was never much of a womanizer. I can't imagine he'd cheat on his wife unless he had strong feelings for her."

"That's not necessarily so, and, Lou, you owe it to yourself to find out how he feels," Theresa said, indignantly. "You're just going to step aside and throw your marriage out the window without finding out how he feels?"

"Theresa. He slept with her. That's how he feels about her." Lou shook her head. "I'm not blaming him, or her, or anybody," she said, thinking of Rachel. "It's one of those things, it happened, and it's nobody's fault. Nobody's fault that I got sick and it looked like I'd never get better, and couldn't be a proper wife. Hell, I couldn't be any kind of wife, let alone a proper one," she said bitterly. "If I had a chance, I'd have been the best wife and mother I could've, but … that's not how it was. If she made him happy when I couldn't, well, how can I begrudge him that? He did his duty by me when I was helpless. But I won't be an albatross around his neck the rest of my life, now that I'm well. He can have her if he wants her."

"I don't think he does. There was nothing between them whenever I went visiting there, believe me."

Lou shook her head. "Maybe not, but there it is; he didn't deny they had an affair, Tessie. It must have happened at some point and I guess they were careful as not to raise suspicions. Gosh, I didn't even realize it until he admitted it and I've been there for three months."

Theresa bit her lip, still uncertain. What Lou was saying didn't make sense. She had never seen anything weird between Kid and Natalie, and the last time she had been in Rock Creek they had seemed to treat each other with stiff coldness, especially Kid.

Louise sighed. She was very tired after an almost sleepless night and the constant urge to cry made her feel very vulnerable, which she hated. Her eyes lowered to her intertwined hands, and the tears pricked behind her eyelids on seeing the bright wedding band on her scrawny finger. Kid had put it there soon after she had woken up and he had seemed so happy. How had he been able to mislead her so much? She just couldn't understand.

Another thought rushed to her mind and after a small pause, she blurted out in a small voice, "There's something else, Tessie. I'm late."

Theresa's eyes widened in surprise and tilting her sister's head to her, she said, "Lou! If you're pregnant, or might be, you can't leave Kid. It's bad enough leaving him with the two children you already have, the new baby needs a father! You have to try to make things work out, you have to."

"No, the baby doesn't change anything. Of course I won't keep Kid from knowing his child. He's a good father to Jed and Isa, and this baby will also have him in its life."

Tessa stood up and leaned over the chair, looking Lou square in the eye, daring her to look away. "You are being completely unrealistic, Lou. You can't support yourself, and if it's true you're pregnant, you have no chance. You know that."

Lou shifted uncomfortably. Tessa was so stern now, so grown up. Lou tried to assert her authority over the younger sister, who seemed to have passed her by and taken on the role of the older sister. "I guess I can sell Kid or Buck my part of the ranch. I can get myself a little house in Rock Creek. That money will let me get by for a while and then I'll find a job. Maybe Kid and I can reach an agreement about the children. I would like to have Isa with me… I don't like that woman so close to my little girl."

"So you'll separate Isa from her father and brother, and the only home she's ever known, I suppose? And Kid will just let you take her?"

Lou stood up and hobbled around her sister. "I don't know all the details, yet," she grumbled. "All I know is I'll be close enough to keep an eye on the situation, if the children stay with Kid. I'll keep a close eye on that woman. And if I notice the least suspicious thing, I'll give her what for, you can believe that. She can have Kid if that's what they want, but she can never hurt my children or she'll answer to me."

Lou looked out the window, tears blurring her vision as she parted the curtains and stared out into the rain. "I'll start over with my new baby," she whispered, brokenly. "That's all I have left." Helplessly, Tessa put her arms around her sister and hugged her tight.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 33**

_March 1872_

Kid dejectedly sat on the bed Lou and he had shared until yesterday. His eyes were fixed on the letter he had found on the vanity table, the letter Lou had left him, his sentence, his punishment for his sins. Lou had found out the truth, and not because he had done the manly, grownup thing and told her. No. He had blurted it out without warning simply because he thought he had been caught. He would never forget the look on her face when she realized the truth about what a low, disgusting man she had married. A cheater and a liar, weak and spineless…

After a few moments, the letter dropped from his hands after rereading it so many times that he could almost recite the words by heart. Lou... his whole soul screamed in pain to think about her. He had hurt her with his unfaithfulness and every time he remembered her sad eyes, he felt like dying. _If I had only told her before, _he wept_ bitterly. Maybe she would have been able to understand…_ But now, Lou planned to do what he had feared all along: she was leaving him. He knew he deserved it; he hadn't been a good husband, hadn't been faithful to her as he had promised on their wedding day. Nothing could excuse him, it was pure animal weakness, nothing more. How had he been such an idiot? How could he betray the person he loved most? And worst of all, he made a fool of her, letting her live in ignorance of the truth under the very nose of the woman he had betrayed her with, and lying to her every day since she had woken up. Oh, he hadn't told an untruth, but he hadn't told the truth either. And now he got what he deserved.

But even if she never forgave him, he couldn't bear to have her think the worst, as the letter showed she did. She had a right to know that he had never loved anyone but her, and that his heart always was and always would be hers. She had asked for time and space, to think and heal and plan, but there was no time to waste. He had wasted enough time, he would go after her. ..

The note said that she was taking the eight o'clock train to Saint Joseph, and he cursed bitterly as he looked at the small clock on the wall. It was eight-fifteen, and he knew well enough that there was only one train to Saint Joseph per day … and none tomorrow, Sunday. He couldn't get there before Monday by train, and it was an all-day ride by wagon. But no matter, he would ride across any desert to find her again, to bring her home if he could and to repair the damage he had done.

He went back downstairs slowly, trying to think about what to tell the children. They had lost their mother before they were old enough to know her, how could he tell them that she was gone again? How could he tell them it was his fault? He found them outside playing in the yard already, Isa making mudpies and Jed hitting rocks in the air with a stick.

"Children, come here," he said, walking toward the barn. Jed hit the last rock and dropped the stick, and Isa looked up from her mudpies, wiping her hands on the white pinafore Natalie had immaculately starched and ironed, in that careless and absent-minded way she had that maddened the housekeeper so. Kid took the wagon harness down from the wall and started hitching up the horses.

"I need you two to do something for me."

"Sure, pa."

"I have to go out of town for a couple days. You run over to Buck's and ask him if he can handle the chores for us till I get back, and if Jenny can watch you for me, okay?"

"So you're going away too?" Isa said, mystified. "Mama went to Aunt Tessie's this morning."

"I know. I'm going to bring her back," Kid said patiently. Isa's face lit up with joy and she scurried off toward Buck's to obey her father. But Jed lingered.

"Why are you ridin' all that way to go after her, anyway?" Jed demanded. "She wants to go. She'll be back soon enough on the train, why not just let her go? Maybe she won't come back at all," he muttered under his breath.

"Jed, the thing is, that your mother and I had a disagreement; I upset her and I need to apologize and bring her home."

"Was the fight about Natalie?" Jed asked innocently, and Kid paled and turned to the boy quickly. "Because Ma fired her, and you didn't want her to go, right?"

Kid felt relieved, as if his small son could have understood the real problem with Natalie … and patted him on the head. "Like I told you last night, Natalie is fired and I am one hundred percent in agreement. That is not the reason we had a fight, son. It's too complicated to explain, but sometimes even grownups make mistakes," he said, pulling the last strap tight. He turned to the boy, and squatted down to look in his eyes. "I made a mistake and it hurt your Ma, bad. So I have to make it right again."

Jed remained in silence for a few seconds. "Pa, maybe she doesn't want to live with us. And maybe we're better off without her too."

"What are you saying, Jed?" Kid asked in a stern tone, his hands resting on the boy's shoulders.

The boy knew he was getting in trouble, but he didn't care. "I don't like having her around," Jed whined. "She's always there in our house, watching me, bothering me."

"Jed, you mustn't talk about your mother like that..."

"Why not?" the boy retorted angrily. "You always say I should always tell the truth and that's the truth." He paused to catch his breath and continued almost immediately. "Ma could go somewhere else, leave us alone and we four could live happily like always."

"We four?" Kid asked, trying to control himself from lashing out. Jed was just a child and as a child, he couldn't understand certain things.

"You, me, Natalie and Isa," Jed replied simply.

Kid drew in a deep breath. "Jed, I know you are confused, but that's not the way things work. Your mother's place is at home with us. She belonged here long before you or Isa came... or Natalie."

Jed was stubborn and his heart kept pushing him ahead. He was so sure that Pa would do everything he asked for... like the time he wanted that bright, beautiful train engine from Tompkins's store. Pa had told him that it was too expensive, but then one day he had surprised him with the toy. Pa had never said no to him. "But Pa, Natalie..."

"Will you stop it? I'm tired of hearing Natalie this, Natalie that..." Kid exclaimed, irritated and running out of patience. "I told you once. I love your mother and I'm married to her and nobody else."

"But you could get that divorce thing."

Kid paused, his forehead creased in confusion. "Who told you anything about divorce, Jed?"

"Natalie. She said that Charlie's father got one and married Aunt Theresa, and..."

"Let's have this clear," Kid cut him off, feeling his irritation soar towards the woman. Was Natalie filling her son's head with all these tales? Jed adored her and would believe anything she said. Kid cursed himself for being so blind. He had always believed that Natalie was good despite their last disagreements, but after hearing Jed, Kid was starting to realize how many mistakes he had made. But he would start fixing them, right now. He spoke kindly but firmly to the little boy, "I don't want to hear a single word against your mother. I am going to bring her home with me, and I won't have you say anything of this before her. I've always been very patient with you, but if you keep this attitude, you will have to be punished. Is that understood, Jed?" The boy remained quiet but glaring him. "Is that understood?"

"Fine!" Jed scowled and folding his arms, he turned around from his father. He was very angry and his dislike for his mother swelled even more. Because of Ma, Pa was different... he had changed. Pa had never talked to him so angrily before. Since his mother had woken up, Jed felt he was continuously being told off. Pa only laughed with Ma and Jed was tired of it all. Whatever Pa said, Jed felt he couldn't do anything. He just didn't like his mother, and he never would, she was nothing but a lousy trouble-maker who had ruined everything, he thought, as Pa finished the harnessing.

* * *

The plate remained untouched before Lou as she stared at the food on it, making no attempt to pick up the fork and eat. Theresa and her husband exchanged a knowing look and the young woman decided it was time to speak up. "Louise, you need to eat... you know, you have to build up your strength..."

Lou lifted her face and met her sister's eyes. "I can't... I feel kind of queasy."

"I wonder why," Theresa commented sarcastically, which she regretted almost immediately. "Tell me. When was the last time you ate?"

"I... I don't remember."

"Louise, you've come all the way from Rock Creek on the train. That's exhausting for anybody and you don't have all your strength back yet. What do you plan... kill yourself?"

"Maybe that would be the best for everybody," Lou replied morosely.

Theresa shook her head. "Louise, if you don't want to do it for yourself, think of that baby that might be on its way. You're acting so selfishly," she said irritably.

Louise sighed. Her sister's words finally managed to get to her and she picked up the fork. She didn't have any appetite, and as she had told Tessie, she felt very sick. The stew looked nice, but she couldn't bring herself to force the food into her mouth, and she simply kept toying with the fork, moving the vegetables and pieces of meat around.

"Louise, Tessa's right. We can't have you getting sick, can we?"

Lou turned her eyes to her brother-in-law and gave him a small smile. "I haven't thanked you yet for letting me stay in your house, Charles."

"Please, don't mention it," the man replied. "You're family and this way we can get to know each other better. I just wish it were under other circumstances."

"Yes..." Louise whispered, breathing in deeply to choke back the tears that were continually trying to escape.

They relapsed into silence as they ate. Louise struggled to eat some, which wasn't an easy task at all. After a few minutes, the married couple engaged in conversation and Louise listened to them half-heartedly.

"Tessa, next week Charlie's staying with us... the whole week... his mother has to go out of town," Charles announced.

"Good," Theresa replied. "Don't you think he's been better since Mary was born?"

"Yeah, I noticed that too and..."

A bitter sob resounded in the room, interrupting the conversation short. Louise buried her face in her hands as the tears poured from her eyes. "Louise..."

"Oh Tessie!" Lou wailed. "What am I going to do without my family...without my babies? I can't live without them, not even for a couple of days. I can't."

Theresa hugged her sister tightly as Lou cried bitterly. "I know, sweetheart. I know. This is so hard for you, I should have been more understanding. You've been through so much … and really … I'm the big sister, in a way, now, aren't I?" Theresa thought with a sad smile that it was true. She had lived out her twenty-two years … and Lou had stopped living hers at twenty-one. "I only wish you hadn't had to deal with this on top of everything else."

Lou's tears gradually subsided and as she lifted her head, she said, "I...I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

"You don't have to apologize, Louise," Charles replied. "We understand."

Lou nodded somberly. "Tessie, I think I'll rest now. I'm very tired."

"Of course honey," Theresa answered with a sympathetic smile. Lou rose to her feet and with an almost inaudible 'g'night' she left the dining room.

After dinner Theresa and her husband were sitting in the parlor. The young woman had just nursed her daughter and was holding her against her shoulder to let her burp. Suddenly, there was a knock at the front door and both husband and wife exchanged a look. "Are you expecting anybody?" asked Theresa.

"No, nobody."

"Who can it be then?"

"Well, we won't find out until we open the door," Charles replied as he left the parlor and walked to the hall. When he opened the door, he found Kid standing on his porch. "Kid?" the man let out in surprise.

"Charles, please tell me my wife is here," Kid asked in a despairing tone and when the other man kept quiet, Kid insisted, "Charles, please."

"Yeah, she's here."

Kid breathed out in relief. "Can I come in, please?"

Charles nodded and stood aside for his brother-in-law to slip inside. At that moment Theresa came out of the parlor, moved by curiosity. "Charles, who is...?" She stopped in mid-sentence. "Kid? What are you doing here?"

"What do you think?" he replied, an impatient tone in his tense voice. "Where's Lou?"

"She's sleeping."

"I need to talk to her... Where's her room?"

"Kid, are you crazy?" Theresa exclaimed. "My sister's not well and..."

"What's wrong with her?" Kid cut her off as worry took hold of him and his heart started to thump strongly in his chest.

"What do you think? She was very upset and you don't need to be a genius to understand why," Theresa replied sarcastically. "She isn't well enough yet to cope with all this. Don't you think she has suffered too much as it is?"

Kid blushed furiously, feeling as if he were standing naked in front of the girl who had been like a surrogate daughter. "Tessie, do you think I enjoy hurting your sister? Can you believe I would harm her on purpose? All I've ever wanted is for her to be happy... even though I haven't been able to do it so far. I love your sister... Theresa, you know me."

The young woman softened on hearing his words and seeing his eyes shine with tears. "Kid, you can sleep here tonight and you will talk to Louise tomorrow."

"Tessie, I can't wait!" Kid exclaimed. "I can't spend another night with this agony."

"Tessa, let him," Charles piped in from behind.

Theresa looked between her husband and Kid. She hesitated. Lou had looked exhausted and shattered when she had gone to bed. She needed her rest and getting surprised and disturbed now wasn't beneficial for her weak health. Yet, Theresa knew Kid and he wouldn't give up, so she ended up consenting. "Upstairs. First door on the right."

"Thanks, Tessie," Kid said before he dashed up the staircase. When he stood before the door, he paused, breathed in and his trembling hand grabbed the doorknob and turned it slowly. "Lou?" he called in a whisper as he craned his head inside. He heard her deep intakes of air, which showed she was asleep. Kid dared to get inside and cross the room. Tonight's full moon cast its dim light through the curtain-drawn window, falling on Lou's sleeping face. Kid sighed bitterly as he noticed the trace of tears on her pale skin. His heart broke in a thousand pieces and cursed himself inwardly as he stood there watching her. He even considered turning around and leaving. Yet, he remained there and remembering the letter and her words swung into action.

He sat on the edge of the bed and brushed his hand over her face gently.

Lou's eyes fluttered open. "Kid?" she whispered huskily. As her senses gradually came back to her, she sat up abruptly and demanded, "What are you doing here?"

"I came for you."

"You shouldn't be here," Lou replied as she struggled to sit up and lean against the headboard, bringing the quilt to cover her front. "I told you in my letter that I needed some time alone. Can't you give me the respect of letting me have it?"

Kid took the letter out of his pocket and said as calmly as he could, "Lou, I came to ask you what all this means."

"I think I explained everything there very clearly," she replied, refusing to look at him directly. "You can have your lover if you want her. I won't stand in the way. I've blocked the course of true love long enough, I'm sure," she said bitterly.

"Lou, please, you can't leave me now. I waited eight years... eight long years for you to wake up... I can't lose you now!"

Her eyes flashed at him, finally. "You didn't wait for me... you all expected me to die... that was what was supposed to happen, right? But instead I woke up, spoiling your plans and your... domestic 'affairs'."

Kid's face paled and he swallowed hard, feeling tears of shame and pain prick his eyes. "Lou please..."

Lou felt tired suddenly. What was the point of upbraiding him. He had been human, had fallen in love with someone else when she was dead, or as good as dead. No amount of cruelty could change that. "Kid, as I told you, I'm not angry... hurt and disappointed, yes ... but not angry. Despite everything, I owe you a lot and you looked after me when you could have let me die. Maybe it was too much to expect you to stay in love with a corpse, like I was, when a living woman was there who loved you. I know she does."

Kid tried to speak up, but Louise put a hand over his mouth and he stilled, letting her have her say as she deserved. "You know, I loved you so much... so, so much... well, I still love you. All I want is your happiness and our children's. And I'm ready to accept ... you know...that she's part of your life now. All I ask is to be the children's mother, to be with them. She doesn't love them like I do, Kid, and she can never be their mother, even when she's … she's your wife," she choked.

"So you're saying I'm free to choose who I want to be with?" Kid said, grasping her hand.

"Yes," Lou said, shutting her eyes. "I'll give you a divorce … we'll share the children … and once I'm on my feet again I won't ask for anything from you but that."

"Well, since I'm free to choose … I choose you, Lou."

Lou turned her head and looked at Kid. "But you chose her too, you loved her, don't you still have feelings for her?" she said, tearfully.

"No, I never loved her. It was … it was a horrible mistake, one time, Lou, I swear it. I was so lonely, so miserable, and she … she was there… the children were away … she wanted to, and I just … I barely remember it. It was so sudden and … so meaningless and cheap. I didn't love her, I didn't, it was just a moment of weakness, after all those years of being alone, longing for you and …" He almost felt nauseated as he talked of this shame to his wife, but he pressed on, encouraged by the way she was watching, listening silently.

He steadied his voice and kept going, now that the confession was finally under way. "I wanted to fire her, get rid of her, I couldn't stand the sight of her after … after what I did," he said, self-loathing dripping from his voice. "I hated her, hated myself," he whispered, his voice shaking again suddenly.

He broke down, finally, crying over her hand, wringing it in his. "She said she was the one who kept you alive. She said you'd die if I let her go … I wanted to find another nurse … then … then you woke up and I tried again, and she blackmailed me. She said she'd tell you, and you were so sick. You couldn't have stood it, not with everything else you had to accept and get over."

"Oh, Lou, I was such a coward. She had this horrible secret and was holding it over me … I couldn't tell you, I couldn't look in your eyes and tell you what I'd done. I couldn't hurt you like that. And I was afraid you'd leave me."

Lou watched, horror at his despair mingling with hope in her heart at what it might mean. "You did leave me, you did. Once you knew, you ran off … you want to divorce me. I loved you and took care of you all these years because I love you so much."

"Are you sure it was only a … a physical thing, Kid? Are you sure? She's been there so many years, she's beautiful and competent and … well, everything most men would want. Are you sure you just don't feel guilty about me? Is there really nothing in your heart for her?" she probed, searching his face anxiously. "She seems to fit in the family so well, where I'm just a stranger who doesn't belong anymore," she said sadly.

"Lou, don't say that! You belong with us... nobody else!" he exclaimed, daring to take her hand and relieved when she squeezed his tight.

"Jed wouldn't say so."

"Lou, he's just a confused child."

"He doesn't love me and that's the hardest thing for a mother to admit."

"He'll learn to. He's a loving child, Lou, but … he's gotten confused, and his loyalty is misplaced, but it shows he has a good loyal heart in a way. He's a good boy, but going through a rough time, that's all."

"I know. I'm so proud of my baby..." She paused and after a second she added, "Kid, I'm ready to step into second place to Natalie, if that means you'll all be better... happier."

"Lou, he just needs time. You're his only mother."

"I'll always be his mother, even if you follow your heart to Natalie," Lou said dully. "But living a lie is pointless. We all deserve better than that, so if you love her or if you aren't sure, then, just go, Kid."

She got up to brush by him, and to her surprise, he threw his arms around her legs. She sat down with a thump, his head crushed against her waist, and she could feel the tears through her nightgown as he cried out, "No! I'll never be with her, I never want to see her face again. Don't make me go, Lou, please! You're the only woman who can make me happy." His hands were twisted in the fabric of her gown, almost tearing it, as he poured out his anguish. "I love you... Please, Lou, I can't lose you again. I'm not strong enough to go through life without you a second time. I need you. I know I don't deserve you, but I'm a selfish fool who can't live without you. Please... if you leave me... I... I... I..." His voice faltered as the sobs took over again. He remained there, weeping bitterly in the same way he had done the day she had fallen into that long sleep that had taken her away from him for so long.

Louise gazed at him, her own eyes moistening, and with shaking fingers, put her arms around his head in her lap, wavering, unsure, but stroking his hair and soothing him silently as if he were a child. She had never seen him so upset before... so vulnerable , and her heart just couldn't stand seeing him like that. She lifted his face up and her thin fingers wiped his wet eyes. She studied those eyes that she thought she knew, that had aged and lived and changed without her for too many years. Was he the same person? Did he feel the same? She read the answer there, and found it possible to love and to forgive as he rose and leaned her back against the bed, kissing her mouth desperately, begging her to love him, to take him back, to let him make it up to her for the rest of their lives. Forgetting everything, forgiving everything, she let him show her she was the only one in his heart or in his life, now and forever.

It was as if this was the first and last time in their lives, as if they were the same teenagers they had been long ago, eager, happy, careless and whole again. The black clouds gradually moved away, revealing the clear sky with all its grandeur and beauty, and for once tonight the stars finally shone.


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 34**

_March 1872_

The light sifted down through the trees, slanting across their faces, as Lou and Kid drove along the road home the next day. Kid felt like the luckiest man in the world, finally. All the secrets and shame had been swept away and he could be with Lou with no secret guilt nagging at his heart, holding him back. Glancing at her from the corner of his eye, he promised himself he would never let anything or anyone come between them again. He stretched and yawned exaggeratedly, and draped his arm casually over the back of the wagon seat, just behind her shoulders.

Biting back a smile, Lou glanced down shyly in her lap. Kid was making his old moves as if they were courting teenagers again, and she had to admit things felt brand new between them again, in both a good way and a bad way. They had to start over, learn about each other again, learn to trust again, but they would get there even if the road was long to get back home. They both wanted to, so much, she knew.

"Better water the horse," he remarked. "There's a pond ahead."

The wagon rolled to a stop beside it, and Kid jumped down to unhitch the horse. Lou watched from the seat as Kid swung up on the horse's back, patting her neck gently, humming to her soothingly, before riding her at a walk to the side of the pond. The horse's name was Thundercloud, and she had been Lightning's first foal, born the same year as Jed. Lou couldn't believe how she had grown. She watched wistfully, thinking back to the time when she could have ridden alongside Kid, instead of sitting here like an old woman. _I wonder if I'll ever be like I was again …_

Seeing Lou's somber face, Kid read the longing in her eyes, and guided Thundercloud back toward the wagon.

"She's not finished, is she?" Lou asked, confused, as he stopped the horse beside the wagon. The look in Kid's eyes made her blush again, as he reached into the wagon seat, holding his hand out to her.

"How about a little ride? There's a beautiful view from that side of the pond," he said, inclining his head toward the opposite bank. "We can let her graze a little, have some lunch." Once he had helped her from the wagon to cling to his back on the beautiful mare, he reached into the wagon casually and pulled out the lunch basket Theresa had packed for them.

Lou wrapped her arms tightly around his waist, pressing the side of her face against his shoulder and closing her eyes as she felt the gentle rhythm of the horse's walk, and felt the warmth from Kid's body. Kid put his gloved hands over both her small hands at his waist, checking; "You warm enough, baby?" he asked. He felt her nod against his shoulder, felt her face rubbing against him like a cat.

Almost too soon, they reached the other bank and Kid helped his wife down, catching her in his arms as she dismounted. He stood holding her clasped in his arms, face to face, and she slid her arms around his neck. "Thanks," she whispered, softly. "You can put me down now, I guess …"

"I don't want to yet," he smiled back, swinging her legs up and cradling her in his arms. He carried her to the top of the small hill beside the pond. He kept holding her in his arms, her head down against his neck, and they gazed down at the valley, the signs of spring and rebirth just emerging across the trees. Glancing over Kid's shoulder, Lou looked at the glimmering surface of the pond. "Reminds me of the ol' swimmin' hole. Wonder if it's still there in Sweetwater," she said.

"We can go back in the summer and find out … it's too cool to swim now, but I'd love to go skinnydipping with you again."

"I don't remember you doing that much skinnydipping," Lou teased. "You always kept your bottoms on … until the last minute, anyway."

Kid lowered his face to hers, kissing her lips slowly as their eyes shut and they both were transported back by the sweet memory to another time and another kiss. Lou's thin hand stroked Kid's face as the kiss went on, and on, deeper and deeper. He pulled back finally, kissing her forehead, and set her down. He took the basket off the horse's saddle, and Lou laughed shakily.

"Just like a man … food first, romance later, right?" she said.

Kid shook the blanket out and gestured to her to sit, placing the basket off to the side. "No … love first," he said, his voice soft but insistent, as he drew her down onto the blanket and laid her back on the blanket, lowering himself down on her gently.

Thundercloud was dozing on her feet, munching contentedly on some sweet spring grass, when her owners rolled apart, gasping for their breaths. "You get your things back on; it's warm, but not warm enough for you to be undressed too long, honey," Kid fussed, helping her into her clothes. "And I should have fed you first." He got up, pulling up his pants with the longjohns inside them over his bare backside as Lou giggled at the sight. He buttoned his shirt and grinned back at her. Lou watched as he crouched over the basket, rummaging for some food for them.

It was strange how easily she was forgiving, forgetting. The old Lou McCloud who blew a gasket every time she was the slightest bit annoyed would hardly have believed it possible that she would be so happy, so content a mere two days after her hideous disappointment. But that Lou thought she had all the time in the world … all the opportunities for love and happiness that she would ever want, awaiting her. Losing so much time made her reluctant to waste anymore in resentment or anger. She wanted to get on with their lives, put it behind her, and punishing Kid, while tempting in one way, was not a way to move forward. She resolved never to throw his mistake in his face, but to not only forgive but try to forget.

She placed her hand over her belly, gently. Nearly three weeks late, and some queasiness in the mornings, told her she was going to give Kid another child. There was still no sign of her 'curse', and she was so happy at the thought of another chance to hold their baby in her arms, and in the knowledge that Kid still loved her, that she had no room for anger.

Kid came back to sit beside her and handed her a sandwich. She took it, lifting up the bread and looking a little dissatisfied.

"Don't you like it?" Kid asked, swallowing a bite of his sandwich. "It's really good … Tessie is a great cook."

"I'd like some of those pickles, and isn't there a can of sardines in there?"

"On egg salad?" Kid asked, grimacing. "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard of … yick, they smell horrible," he complained, after opening the can for her. She calmly layered the small fish on her sandwich, placing some pickles on top, and replaced the bread.

"Fortunately for you, we didn't eat first … I imagine the taste would have turned you off," she remarked, biting in hungrily.

"Nothing could turn me off of you," Kid teased back. "I'm glad to see you eating so well, you look like you're finally holding some weight on. You'll be back up to fighting weight in no time."

He watched her, incredulous, as she put the last bite of her sandwich in her mouth and brushed the crumbs from her lap. "You were hungry," he remarked. "I didn't think you would be, after all those cookies you ate on the way here. I saw you sneaking them from the basket. It's wonderful. I haven't seen you have this kind of appetite in I don't know when."

"Since I was pregnant, probably," Lou said, watching him intently.

"Yes. You liked those sardines back then too, didn't …"

Lou smiled as he trailed off, his mouth hanging open and the sandwich dropping to the blanket, forgotten.

"Lou … are you telling me …"

She put a hand on his, shy again, and nodded. "I think so. I'm so happy … are you?"

The tears sparkled in Kid's eyes as he brushed a hand over his face, the feelings overwhelming him. He nodded, wordlessly, and pulled her to him, crushing her against him. "I love you, so much," he said, his voice shaking.

"I love you too, Daddy," she whispered into his neck, holding on for dear life as they sat together, perfectly happy for this time, amid the spring sunshine.


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter 35**

_March 1872_

"Hello, Mrs. McCloud," sonsy Anna Ingalls called as Lou came into the boarding house and looked around. "What can I do for you?"

"I'm here to see one of your boarders," Lou said. "Mrs. Mortimer."

Kid had sidled into the boarding house behind Lou, looking sheepish. "Lou, why don't we just leave those envelopes for her and get out of here? We haven't even been home yet and I'm beat."

"I want to make sure Mrs. Mortimer gets what's coming to her," Lou said, her spine straight and her eyes determined. "You go and wait in the wagon, dear."

Looking warily at her, Kid shrugged uncomfortably and headed out as directed. Lou squared her shoulders and marched up the stairway.

Lou tapped on the door to Natalie's boarding house room and waited patiently for the woman to open it.

"Mrs. McCloud," Natalie said coldly when she opened it. "What a surprise to see you again." Her eyes flickered to two envelopes in Lou's hand. "What's that?"

"This one is your severance pay," Lou said, handing it to her. "I've consulted with my husband and he's in agreement with the decision to let you go. You recall you were uncertain about that a little while ago, remember?"

Natalie took the envelope and glanced inside. Lou said stiffly, "I'm sure you'll agree it's more than fair. And this one ... I saw an advertisement for a housekeeper for a family in town, on the way into town. The Simpsons; their housekeeper died a couple of weeks ago."

"Of overwork, I suppose. Mr. Simpson has five boys and no wife to help him," Natalie observed. "And I suppose you expect me to take that job."

"I have a reference letter here from Kid, telling Mr. Simpson about your service here."

"He probably left out a few details about what I did for him," Natalie said spitefully. "And the reason I'm being fired, I expect."

"He said the reason in the letter," Lou said evenly. "That you are no longer needed around the house."

"No, that's not the reason. It's because you feel threatened by having me around knowing your precious husband and I were lovers."

"Take the letter, Natalie, and let's end this."

Natalie snatched the letter from Lou's hand. "You needn't worry so. I couldn't care less; your high-and-mighty husband is nothing special. He's the worst lover I've ever had, in fact. Enjoy him while he lasts ... which I'm sure you know, isn't long."

"That's probably because you didn't mean anything to him," Lou said coolly. "If you want sympathy for that, why don't you go talk about it with the whores at the brothel? I'm sure they have a similar problem."

Lou turned, trying to hang on to her dignity, and headed toward the stairs, feeling a slight satisfaction at hearing the door bang viciously behind her and knowing her shot had told.

* * *

Her satisfaction was short-lived, however; the news that Natalie was not coming back sent Jed into a small, crazed fury. Like his adored Natalie, the boy gave vent to his spleen by slamming doors and worse for a long, difficult evening, finally dropping off to an exhausted sleep. Isa's thrilled screams and tight hugs when Lou had stepped off the wagon, meant the world to her, but couldn't completely erase the sting of Jed's sullen face when he saw her, and when they had to tell the boy that no, Natalie was still fired, and yes, Mama was back to stay.

Lou was dreading the sight of him the next morning as she made breakfast with Isa. "You can use a biscuit cutter to make a nice hole in the bread," Lou instructed the little girl, who nodded and started pressing out the circles of bread as Lou warmed the skillet. Jed came into the kitchen and slumped at the table, watching disdainfully.

"Okay, now what?" Isa said.

"You lay them in the skillet and we break an egg into each hole. It's called egg-in-a-basket, and it's your daddy's favorite way to have eggs," Lou said proudly.

"No it ain't," Jed muttered.

Lou looked at Jed as she dropped the last egg into the skillet to cook. "What was that, Jed?"

Jed fiddled with a fork, looking intently at it rather than up at his mother. "His favou

rite is French omelettes. So's mine," he said.

"Well, I can probably make that," Lou said slowly. "Do you know the recipe?" she asked, trying to engage him in conversation.

"Forget it. Natalie always said it was tricky ... probably too hard for you. You'd best stick to those fried egg things," the boy said condescendingly.

Lou stifled a retort, and Isa tugged on her sleeve. "Mama, I think they're burning?"

Whirling around, Lou saw with dismay that indeed, the pan was too hot and the eggs were burning. She grabbed the cast-iron handle barehanded without thinking, and then let go with a sudden yelp of pain. Little Isa, armed with a dishtowel, took the smoking pan from the stove and dumped it in the sink, as Lou pumped water over it and Jed laughed mockingly behind them.

When the small fire was out, Lou turned and Jed smothered his laughter. "I take it back," he said, his eyes dancing with a cross of mockery and malice. "You'd better stick to boiling 'em."

Lou held her temper, and went to the sideboard to cut bread for butter and jam sandwiches for the children's breakfasts. Isa took hers and kissed her mother goodbye, heading out the door to school with her lunch pail and books. When Lou tried to hand Jed his sandwich, he snatched it rudely, and when she tried to give him a kiss on the cheek, he snarled and shoved her back, snapping, "Don't touch me."

Fed up, Lou grasped him firmly by the arm. "Now listen, young man. It's time we had this out, you and me."

"What?" Jed said defiantly, as Kid entered the kitchen and looked at the pair curiously.

"I've had enough, that's what," Lou said through gritted teeth.

"I have a right not to be kissed and mauled if I don't want it. I'm not a baby anymore, even if you slept through me growin' up."

"Jed!" Kid admonished, but Lou waved Kid to silence.

"He's right, Kid."

Open-mouthed, the father and son looked at Lou.

"It's nobody's fault, but it's true. Jed grew up when I was sick, and the baby I ... the baby I knew isn't there anymore," Lou said, shakily. "And he has no reason to care about me, since he barely knows me." She gathered her resolve and continued. "So I won't treat you like a baby or expect you to treat me like I'm your ma."

"Fine." His face sulky, Jed started to brush by her, but she tightened her hold on his arm.

"But I have a condition," Lou added. "I expect to be treated with common decency, even if you can't show me any affection. No more sarcasm, no more defiance, no more rudeness. Even just as a human being who is part of this family, like it or not, I deserve that much. Understood? I won't ask you to care about me, but I will demand that you respect me."

His lip stuck out stubbornly, Jed nodded and grabbed his books, stalking out the door. Lou waited for the slam, but she noted that this time, he simply let the door swing shut without a bang.

Kid shook his head dubiously. "Why did you tell him that, Lou? Have you written him off?"

"Of course not. But I'm trying to remember that he needs time to grow to love me. I know I'm his mother, but I'm a stranger to him. It's ridiculous to keep trying to pretend otherwise. Trying to force love from someone usually only has the opposite effect."

"Especially with stubborn folks, like Jed," Kid said, poking the mess in the sink cautiously with a fork. "And you," he grinned at her. "I had to let you go, let you come back to me when you were ready, back in the old days, remember?"

"Yes, and he may look like you, but he acts like me. Stubborn, prideful. Contrary," Lou conceded with a sigh. "I just hope, someday, he'll let me in, let me love him and let himself love me back."

Kid was about to answer when a knock came at the kitchen door. "Come in," he called over his shoulder. The door opened, and Rachel stepped in.

"I'll let you gals talk," Kid said, getting up with his coffee cup, but Rachel stopped him. "No, Kid, I came to talk to both of you. There's something I need to tell both of you."

Looking puzzled at Rachel, Kid sank back down in his seat beside Lou, who looked solemnly down at her plate as Kid put an arm around her waist.

The older woman took a seat opposite the pair, and looked at them steadily. "I understand that everything's out in the open now ... about Natalie."

"Rachel, that's in the past now ... it really doesn't concern you," Kid started, but Rachel stopped him gently.

"You're right in one sense, Kid. It doesn't concern me, and I wish I had realized that before. I'm afraid I was a part of ... of what happened. I never meant to hurt anyone, truly. I ... I encouraged Natalie to let you know how she felt about you," Rachel said, stumblingly. "I thought it was ... okay, at the time. Since ... since nobody had reason to believe Lou would come back to us," she said, tearfully. "But ... it maybe wouldn't have happened if I hadn't said anything to her. She never spoke to you of it in all the years she cared ... not until I opened my big mouth. I'm so sorry I caused all this."

Kid shifted uncomfortably, and sighed. "Rachel ... it's not your fault," he said. "Only one person is to blame, and that's me. I'm a big boy and ... well, I made a big mistake. But it's my mistake, my responsibility. I have no hard feelings toward you."

Rachel shifted her eyes to Lou, who had remained silent. "Lou? I know how hurt you probably are about this. Please believe I ... I only meant to help Kid and the children, and Natalie, but never to hurt you, never. I would cut off my own arm before I would do anything to hurt you, and ... and that's what I did."

Lou looked up at Rachel's face, still beautiful and ageless after all this time, the eyes kind and caring as ever, and brimming with tears.

"If you ever find it in your heart to be friends again ... I'll be there," Rachel said, getting up hurriedly. "That's all ... unless ... unless there's something else you want to say." She paused, standing with her head averted, waiting for Lou to upbraid her once again. After a long pause, Lou sighed and spoke.

"Well, there is one thing."

Lou got up and clasped Rachel's smooth, graceful hand in her tiny childlike one. "I forgive you." Rachel smiled through her tears and the two women embraced. "Just promise, no more matchmaking, okay," Lou said, her voice shaking a little with tears as she tried to make a joke, and Rachel clutched her friend tighter and nodded, crying against Lou's hair.

* * *

Natalie brushed off her skirt, looking distastefully around the parlor where Mr. Simpson had shown her and left her waiting while he made a cup of tea in the kitchen. She was not sure she was going to stay for this interview, she thought doubtfully. She liked a challenge as much as the next person, but this house ... she looked around the room. This, this was the room where Mr. Simpson received company, and it was covered with thick layer of dust all over the room ... the vases stood empty on the organ and the parlor table. She doubted the rugs had been beaten in the five years since Clarabelle Simpson went to her grave behind the house. She had known the woman ... a merry, bustling little hausfrau who kept the place running like a top until she had died of childbed fever after the littlest boy's birth. Clarabelle was probably turning in her grave if she knew the muslin curtains she had made were now yellow from the sun, hanging limply in the window, and that her boys and man were going to church in poorly mended clothes.

Mr. Simpson returned from the kitchen. Natalie had never gotten to know him very well, though she had known and liked his wife. He was a handsome, strapping man standing nearly six and a half feet tall ... with a full black beard covering his face and long black hair tumbling down his back. He handed her a cup of tea and Natalie glanced down at it. She wasn't too sure either the cup or the tea was particularly sanitary, but she pretended to sip it politely.

"Ma'am, I'd be obliged to you if you took the post," he said plainly. "My boys ... they're runnin' a bit wild ... the place needs a woman's touch, as you can see. I can't afford what you were makin' as a nurse for the McClouds," he admitted, "But I can see my way to ten dollars a week, and you can take your meals with us ..."

Natalie sighed. She had been making three times that working for Kid, but it was fair enough pay ... the boys were all past the diaper stage and in school most of the day. Once she got the house in order, it wouldn't be that hard of a job.

She decided, after a brief pause. It wasn't as if she had a lot of choices, and certainly there was harder work ... "Thank you, Mr. Simpson, I'll take the job."

His teeth flashed suddenly, white against his dark beard, and his blue eyes twinkled happily. "It's Abe," he said, holding out his hand, and Natalie felt a slight stirring when she took it.


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 36**

_May 1872_

Dr. Harris shook his head as he straightened up and patted Lou on the knee. "You can get dressed."

"Well, doctor?" Kid asked, anxiously. He helped Lou sit up and put an arm around her waist.

Dr. Harris shrugged. "You're right. You can expect a new addition in about six months." Washing and drying his hands, he chuckled, "Mrs. McCloud, you continue to be my most remarkable patient."

"Is it safe, Dr. Harris?" Kid persisted. Lou looked disdainfully at Kid as her stiff fingers fastened the placket of her skirt.

"Safe," she scoffed. "I can handle it. I can't wait," she said, happily.

"I'll want to see her every two weeks, and to keep up the good work with eating and resting, but I wouldn't bet against Louise McCloud on anything at this point," the elderly doctor said. "Congratulations."

Lou threw her arms around Kid happily and they hugged tightly as they left the office.

"Listen ... this calls for a celebration," Kid said. "I think I'd like to buy you something. A ring or ... oh, I don't know. Something pretty."

"I won't say no to that," Lou said, beaming. "Let's head over to Tompkins. I've had my eye on some new hair-combs. My hair is long enough now for them ..."

"Done," Kid said, guiding her up the stairs to the general store.

Entering the store, Lou saw that Abe Simpson was lingering at the counter, looking at some trays of glittering jewelry that Tompkins was displaying in front of him.

"Hello Abe," Lou said affably, going over to the counter and glancing at the tray. "Buying a present for somebody?"

"Yes, ma'am. Maybe you could give me some advice, at that." He held up two sparkling rings. "Which would you pick … for an engagement ring?"

"You're getting engaged?" Kid asked, curiously. Lou perked up as well; she'd heard no gossip about any woman in town and Abe.

"I hope so … if Natalie will have me," Abe said modestly, blushing through his full beard. "I think she might, when I get up the nerve to ask her." His honest, quiet face lit up as he spoke. "I can't thank you two enough for recommending her to us. She's been like an angel of mercy, that's what. Since … since the boys' ma passed on, it's been a struggle just gettin' one foot in front of t'other, gettin' 'em fed and clothed … keepin' the house. One housekeeper after another, and now …" He smiled, broadly. "We're a family, a real home again."

"That's great," Lou said automatically. The mere mention of that woman's name made her stomach churn, but she was trying very hard to forget. It was surprising in some ways that in a couple of months Abe Simpson had taken so strongly to Natalie that he was considering marriage, but then again a widower with five sons would be likely to want to remarry if possible and Natalie was, Lou had to admit, a good housekeeper and cook. If Abe married her, he would save the salary he had to pay her and get a number of benefits too, though a look at Abe's shining face told her that the man must have true feelings for her rival. Lou wondered if Natalie felt the same and had forgotten about Kid and Jed and she caught herself short. She should just be glad that the woman was nowhere near her family and let that be enough. When Abe held up the two rings again, she pointed to the prettier one and he smiled, turning back to the case.

Returning her own eyes to the jewelry display, Lou gaped in astonishment …

"Tompkins!" she roared.

"What on earth … what are you yellin' at, Lou?" the shopkeeper said, irritably.

"That! That's my husband's watch!" she replied in a loud voice, pointing at the object in question in the tray.

"What in … Lou, what are you talking about?" Kid said. "I have my watch, right here." He showed her the watch he had bought seven years ago.

"Not that one. The one Teaspoon gave you."

Kid looked puzzled. "Lou, that one got lost ages ago … I realized it about six months after you … well, after your accident."

"That's the watch, I'm sure of it. You crook, you hand over our property!" Lou stormed.

"What are you accusin' me of?" Tompkins said, indignantly. "I bought that watch off'n a traveling tin-maker, fair 'n' square."

"Got a real bargain on it too, I'm sure. Didn't it occur to you it might be stolen?" Lou demanded.

"No, it didn't," Tompkins said. "Figured it was an old family heirloom and he was hard up, that's all." He tried to gather up his dignity, but Lou shook her head.

A small, determined force, the young woman said through clenched teeth, "I demand my property or I will get the law on you."

Tompkins flung his rag down on the counter and shouted back, "Do yer worst, McCloud! There ain't no way that watch is yours and -"

The door shut quietly and Sam stepped up to the counter. "What seems to be the trouble, here?" the marshal asked, having heard the loud voices from outside the building.

The shopkeeper turned to the marshal. "I'd like to have these two rabble-rousers thrown outta here, Sam."

"What did I do?" Kid protested. Lou elbowed him in the ribs.

"Kid, I'm telling you that's your watch," she insisted. "I'd know it anywhere."

"How would it have ended here that many years after I lost it," Kid said doubtfully, looking at the watch through the glass case. "I'm not sure …"

"Well I am, and I can prove it. Sam, there were three sets of initials in there … Teaspoon's pa, Teaspoon's, and Kid's. Lift up the lid and you'll see."

Sam turned to Tompkins. "Well, seems as if it'll settle it, Bill. Open up the watch."

As Tompkins searched reluctantly for the key to the case, Lou said softly, "It's all like yesterday for me … that awful peddler woman stole it from me."

"What are you talking about, Lou? No peddler woman stole it … It just disappeared sometime after you got sick, that's all. I'd remember if it had been stolen."

Lou shut her eyes, as the memories of that awful day came flooding back. "It was the day you were away at the auction, the day before the bank robbery," she said, remembering. "She was so strong, she … she beat me up and took the watch."

Kid frowned; he remembered now that Lou had been badly bruised when she slipped into her long sleep, and no one could figure why, since she had been felled by a single gunshot.

"Oh, Kid, she said … she said such awful things would happen," Lou gasped as the memory and the horrible woman's words unfolded in her mind. Turning big, frightened eyes on him, she said, "And they all came true … every one! That's why I was asleep all those years, why everything happened as it did! It was the witch's curse!"

"Lou," Kid remonstrated. "You don't really believe that."

Tompkins harrumphed and held out the watch, displaying the three sets of initials.

"That settles that. Hand it over, Bill, and I won't look into the matter of receivin' stolen property."

Tompkins slammed the display case shut and grumbled, "Well, if you're done here, then head out, I got a payin' customer." He turned toward Abe who had been patiently waiting to pay for Natalie's ring.

Lou fastened the watch by its chain to Kid's vest pocket, and smiled broadly. "Looks just about right there," she murmured, hugging him. But she still looked troubled.

"Still worried about curses?" Kid said, bending to look into her eyes as they walked out together to the buggy.

"Yes … I really think she had some kind of hold over me," Lou said, fingering the watch worriedly. "What if - - what if she still can put me back in that … that trance I was in so long?" She settled down on the buggy seat, cuddled against Kid's shoulder.

Kid laughed and kissed her on the head. "You're pretty superstitious all of a sudden! Listen," he said, seeing she was genuinely spooked. "Obviously, the spell is broken … that woman must've lost interest by now … and we have the watch back. I think that means we can hope for only good luck from here on out," he reassured her with a hug as he slapped the reins on the horse's back.

* * *

"So, since the doctor says I'm three months along and all, do you think we ought to tell the children?"

Kid looked uncomfortable as he helped Lou down from the buggy. If it were up to him, he would wait until it was unavoidable to break the news, and prolong it as long as possible. He felt worried by Dr. Harris' lack of enthusiasm and the insistence that Lou be seen so frequently during the pregnancy, and if things didn't turn out well, he couldn't help but feel it would be a shame to raise the children's hopes and then disappoint them. Lou was still not completely well, and the pregnancy would be risky at best, he felt sure.

Reading Kid's face, Lou sighed.

"Kid, I know you're worried about me. But we need to tell them something, or they'll worry when they see me going to the doctor all the time. Besides, there's changes starting already and the children are clever enough to notice." Lou's face fell when she saw Kid's silent face still fixed on the ground. "You don't think I can carry the child to term, so you want to wait to tell them," she guessed.

"It's just early, Lou. Jenny lost a baby at three months," he fumbled.

"And she was healthy, that's what you mean. So what chance do I have, you're figuring. But Kid, I had two healthy children already, one nobody thought was possible in the shape I was in then. I won't push you to tell the children now if you don't want to. It can wait. But I have faith … this baby is coming, I can feel it in all my bones."

He squeezed her hands and nodded, trying to smile, and they went around the back of the house to watch their oldest two children playing. Lou put a finger to her lips mischievously and they crept to the side of the house, playfully peeping around to see what the children were doing.

"They've been gone to the doctor a while now," Jed was saying, and Lou noted a touch of worry in his voice. The little boy was sitting on the bottom step, his fingers in his mouth.

"Pa told you to stop biting your fingernails," Isa remarked. "Maybe they stopped in town for lunch." Lou craned her head slightly to see where her daughter's voice was coming from, and chuckled silently at the sight of two lace-up shoes dangling from a tree-limb above Jed's head.

"He's told you not to climb that tree too, you could break your neck. That's a lot worse than biting nails," Jed snapped back.

"Pa worries too much," Isa said. "Just like you. But if you're so worried about me, big brother, I'll come down."

Lou stifled a gasp as Isa swung down, landing with a thud in the pachysandra beside the porch.

Jed didn't look up as Isa brushed herself off and straightened her skirts. Evidently this type of thing was typical for little Isa. The child walked casually up to the step and sat down next to Jed.

"So what's eating you today?" Isa probed. "You seem mopey even for you."

"I don't like that they're gone so long. Something's wrong, something is gonna happen, I just know it. They just ain't saying it."

"Oh, you worry-wart. There's nothing wrong, it's just a checkup, I'm sure."

"Really?" Jed challenged. "First she runs off like a crazy person to Aunt Tessie's on the train. Next thing, Pa goes racin' after her. They've been whispering and talking about something every time they think we're not listening ever since. And now she's goin' to the doctor and they've been gone way too long. Something's up, I don't know what, but something."

"Maybe you're right . . . Ma has been feeling pretty poorly lately, especially morning-time. She couldn't even make breakfast today."

"She ain't eaten breakfast for a week," Jed said, through the fingers in his mouth.

Lou looked surprised. Jed seemed actually a little worried about her. "Kid, you see we have to tell them; it's good news, not bad."

Kid sighed. "Fine, I guess you're right. Let's have a talk with them. Jed! Isa!" he called. They got up from the porch, and Lou and Kid came around the corner fully.

"Let's go in and have some of those cookies Aunt Jenny left for us this morning," Lou suggested. "And let's have a little chat while we're at it."

When the children were seated at the table with their cookies and milk, their eyes wide and expectant as they looked at their parents, Lou smiled and put a hand over Kid's on the table.

"It's good news, children. You are going to have a baby brother or sister come fall."

Isa shrieked with excitement and delight, standing up and knocking the chair to the ground, and Lou laughed to see the child do an impromptu jig of excitement. "It'll be a girl! I know it! And … and I'll push her in the carriage and . . . and dress her . . ." the little girl was so overcome by the news, that she was gasping.

"Calm down, sweetheart," Kid laughed. "It's a long wait, pace yourself with the celebration."

"What are we going to name her?" Isa demanded, plunking herself down on Kid's lap and hugging her mother. "How about Josephine … that's a beautiful name, don't you think?"

Lou grinned, holding Isa's face. "Just like Jo March in the book we're reading, right?" she guessed. Isa nodded enthusiastically. "Well, that sounds like a distinct possibility, and we should put that on the list. What about you, Jed? Any ideas about what to name a boy, maybe?"

Jed was silently staring at his parents and sister, united in their jubilation as they were so often united in everything. They were a group now, a unit, and he was on the outside, pushed out like Natalie was once her place was taken back by his mother. And now a new change was coming, after so many changes so quickly, and Jed hated change even more than most children. He saw what would happen now. A new baby was coming and he would be even more unneeded and out of place in this family.

"I don't know," he whispered, blinking back tears of fear and confusion.

"Well, aren't you going to congratulate Ma and Pa, Jed?" Isa prompted, tapping him slightly on the leg with her outstretched foot.

"Congratulations," he said, getting up and pushing his chair under the table with trembling fingers. "May I be excused? I have some . . . some reading homework I want to get to," he lied. Isa opened her mouth to contradict him and he shot her a silencing look.

"You are excused," Kid said, sighing and seeing that Lou looked a little as if cold water had been thrown on the news. He squeezed Lou's shoulder and she laid her head against his, as Isa hugged both parents in outstretched small arms. Jed paused at the doorway, looking back at the three … no, four of them now in a way. When he lost Natalie he had lost his way and his place here, and he knew that there was no way to fix things and be part of all this again, not after how he acted. Morose, he headed upstairs, where he pulled out his small journal and started writing the feelings and emotions out on paper that were so hard to say out loud, since nobody wanted to hear his inconvenient feelings and they expected him to either just feel the way they wanted him to or be quiet about how he felt. And now there would be less time for him, less of everything, and he poured out his anguish onto the page in his childish scrawl.

To his surprise, a tapping came on his door. He put the journal back in its hiding place and called, "Come in."

His pa and ma, hand in hand, came in and shut the door. "You okay, Jed?" Pa was saying. He pulled out the desk chair and sat on it, as Lou perched on the side of his bed.

"I'm fine," he said stiffly, trying to hide how he really felt.

"Lots of changes around here, huh?" Lou observed.

Jed nodded.

"You won't believe what happened today in town," Lou said, changing the subject suddenly. "I found something I lost when you were just a baby!"

Jed looked up, interested in spite of himself. "What was it?"

His pa held out a silver watch, glittering and shining in the sun. "It's my watch. Well, Grandpa Teaspoon gave it to me. His pa gave it to him . . ." Pa was looking at him with a soft, gentle expression in his face. "And now I want to give it to my oldest son."

Jed was dumbfounded. "But Pa! It's a grown up man's watch ... are you sure?" He reached out for it and held it in his hands, marveling at it.

"Yes, you're my oldest boy and the watch should go to you. You're old enough now to be careful of it, and I trust you with it."

Ma was smiling proudly as Pa opened the watch and showed Jed how to wind it. "That's a Sunday-go-to-meeting watch if I ever saw one, and you'll look mighty fine with it on this Sunday," she beamed.

Jed shook his head, worried. "No, it might get lost or broken, or something bad happen to it," he protested. "I'll keep it here in my room and wind it every day," he resolved, placing it carefully on his desk and admiring it, standing before the desk. He felt so proud that Pa had given him something so important, like he still mattered.

"That's very responsible of you, Jed. Maybe your Pa will make you a little box to keep it in, what do you think, Kid?"

"Sure. We can work on it together . . . Jed's a good whittler too, Ma. And maybe . . . maybe you can help me work on some things for your baby brother and sister, if you wanted to . . . I could use my right hand man's help around here once the new little one comes. I'm mighty glad to have you to count on, believe me," he said, drawing Jed to his side gently.

Jed looked down at the watch, nodding. He hoped it was true, that there would be room for him with his pa now that he would have to share him with not just Isa and Ma but a brand new, cute little baby too. He clutched the watch in his hand and tried to hope for the best.


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 37**

_June 1872_

The branches on the tree outside Lou's kitchen window were covered with buds about to open, and she breathed in the soft spring scent from outside. She loved that smell of spring, that damp freshness covering everything that signified a new beginning for the world, the awakening of new life. She smiled to hear Isa's blithe singing outside, as Jed pushed her on the wooden swing from that very tree. But her smile faded when she saw Jed's face. Yes, he was obligingly helping his sister, but his face was blank and sad. Lou knew the reason well enough, thinking back.

The boy had been despondent, more so since Natalie's wedding to Abraham Simpson a month ago. It had been a small affair, and Natalie and Abe had not invited Jed or Isa, devastating the young boy. He had been in town when Natalie, beautiful in her wedding gown, had left the church surrounded by the five Simpson boys, who ranged like steps from five to eleven years of age, all beaming with happiness after five long years of motherlessness, cold thrown-together meals and an untidy house. Lou could see the five boys' clothes were now impeccably cleaned instead of threadbare and roughly patched, and they had clustered around their beautiful new mother like bees around a flower. Jed's face had fallen with despair at seeing his own dream come true for the other boys, and it had broken Lou's heart doubly to see both his jealousy and his pain.

The singing had stopped and Lou stood drying her dishes at the window, catching bits of Isa's and Jed's conversation.

"What are you moping about _today_?" Isa demanded a little crossly. "It's springtime and a beautiful day. Why don't you snap out of it?"

"Every spring up to now I brought Natalie daffodils," he said dully. "This year ..."

"Bring them to Ma," Isa said promptly.

"You don't understand," Jed said, turning away and facing the tree trunk. "It was something special I did with Natalie, and she's gone. And I haven't even seen her since she married Mr. Simpson, except in church, and Billy and Elijah and the others never let her out of their sight, I can't even get near her to say hello. I miss her so much," he choked.

"You'd better get used to it," Isa said pragmatically. "She doesn't work here anymore and she's busy enough, I'd reckon, with a husband and all those boys to take care of."

Lou set her last cup on the shelf and carefully hung up her apron. Her work for the morning was finished, and she had some errands to run in town. Watching Isa and Jed, she sighed, warring with herself. She had fired Natalie, thinking it was best for her marriage and her family. For herself. But by doing so, she had driven away the closest thing to a mother Jed had ever known for many years. She wondered if it had been selfish of her ... but she had not expected that Natalie would cut ties so completely as she had. Lou dropped her eyes to the counter she was polishing ... and admitted to herself, that it was exactly, exactly what she had hoped would happen. In spite of the fact that it would be painful for Jed.

Making up her mind, she called out the window. "Jed? Isa?"

"Meet me at the buckboard. We're going to town to see Natalie."

Half an hour later, Lou and Jed were driving up to the Simpson place, as Isa had shrugged and asked if she might stay home and work in the corner of the garden that was designated as hers instead, when the plan to visit Natalie was suggested. Lou looked over the large farm where Natalie was now the mistress instead of the servant. New curtains were bobbing in the half-open windows now, and the henhouse and outhouse were newly whitewashed. The place looked wonderful, Lou admitted to herself, and she glanced sadly at Jed's thrilled face next to her. "Here we are."

Jed leaped down from the buckboard, clutching a huge bouquet of daffodils in his hands, and ran up the steps with them eagerly as Lou lingered at the bottom. At the boy's knock on the door, Natalie opened it and stared with a peculiar expression on her face at Jed.

"The boys are fishing today, Jed," she said slowly, her eyes flickering to Lou. Her eyes and features remained cold, but Natalie was surprised to see the small bump evident in Louise's middle. Whenever she went to church with her new husband and boys, she avoided looking at the family she had considered hers once… especially at Louise McCloud. And now seeing that the woman was expecting another baby, something which Natalie couldn't dream about, made her jealousy soar. "I'll tell them you stopped by to play, though."

"I'm here to see you," Jed explained. "And give you your daffodils."

The woman's eyes went back to Jed, to the flowers he was holding out. "Give those to your mother, Jed," she said, her voice distant and formal, though not unkind. "I'm afraid I don't have room in the house for them ... my boys brought me so many."

Jed's face went blank with surprise, and Natalie checked the watch pinned to her apron. "If you'll excuse me, Jed, I wasn't expecting company just now and I have something in the oven that needs tending to."

"Lemon cake," Jed said dully, recognizing the aroma wafting out from the house.

"Yes. The boys love it," Natalie said deliberately. "Thanks for stopping by, Jed, and give my best to your sister and father. Mrs. McCloud," she nodded in farewell to Lou, with a hint of hostility slipping into her tone at the last two words. "Good day."

The door shut in Jed's face, and the boy turned, his eyes blinded with overflowing tears, the flowers dropping from his hand unheeded across Natalie's immaculate porch. "Jed," Lou said fumblingly. "Jed - I -"

"Shut up!" Jed shouted. "She married Billy's father! She married him! She could have married Pa if it weren't for you ... it's all your fault! And you didn't have to make her go away, even if she couldn't marry Pa. You couldn't stand that I loved her and you made her go away... I hope you're happy now. That was what you wanted, what you made happen," he ranted.

He ran off the porch and Lou hobbled down with difficulty, calling after him. She was out of breath before she reached the gate, and helplessly watched the child run down the lane. She burned with anger at Natalie's cold treatment of her boy. It had cost her every ounce of pride to bring him here, knowing the boy preferred Natalie to her. And to have it flung back in her face, in Jed's, for pure spite ... she wanted to go up the stairs and tell that woman what she thought of her, upbraid her for rejecting a boy who she had raised, and tell her never, ever to go near her family again. But after all, Natalie had not sought Jed out ... it was her decision to drop by and ask for Natalie to see Jed again not long after firing the woman to keep her away from Kid and Jed in the first place. More importantly, no matter how she longed to say or do something, anything to hurt Natalie as much as Jed was hurting, Jed's well-being was all that mattered now. Only he mattered now, Natalie was nothing compared to that; and with a backwards glare at Natalie's perfect house, she clambered up on the buckboard to go after him.

As the buckboard disappeared around the bend, Natalie opened the door. There were stains of tears on her face and she bent to pick up the flowers with trembling fingers, gathering them into a bouquet and holding them to her face. She stood up, rubbing her eyes with her apron, and went into the house carrying them.

When Lou reached Jed on the road and called to him to get in the buckboard, the boy obstinately refused. Exasperated, Lou drove the buckboard slowly alongside the child until they got home, and Jed stubbornly refused to speak to her the entire long walk.

When they reached the ranch, Jed stomped up the steps to the house, and Lou desperately called after him a final time. The boy's pride had been devastated by his beloved Natalie's treatment of him in front of his mother, and he was not ready to discuss it. His lips pressed in a line, he opened the door and ran up to his room, slamming the door so hard the walls shook.

Kid had been working near the barn on shoeing a new horse, and had seen the bizarre spectacle of Lou driving the buckboard behind Jed from a distance off. Finishing and turning the horse into the pasture, he went into the house and saw Lou sitting at the table with a moody look.

"What happened?" he asked, curiously, taking a glass from the cabinet for a glass of water. "Natalie not home?"

Lou slammed her hand down on the table. "Oh, that woman! She shut the door in his face, Kid. She said she didn't have time for him ... that she has her own boys now."

"Well, that's true, isn't it?" Kid pointed out. "She's not his nanny anymore, so Jed can't expect her to be at his beck and call now."

Lou flared, "She claimed to love him like one of her own, and that's how she treats him?"

"Maybe it's for the best, Lou, and Natalie's not somebody I wanted to have the children continue a friendship with anyway. It doesn't really matter how she feels about him or doesn't."

"I guess she transfers her affections pretty quickly, both with men and their children," Lou said spitefully. "Either that or she never cared about him in the first place, other than as a way to get to you."

Kid winced. "Can we not talk about her ... can't we just put her in the past, please? I thought that's why we fired her, after all. Do we have to keep going over what happened with her and me? ... I can't say anymore than I already have."

"I'm sorry for bringing that part up," Lou sighed. "It really isn't about that now, anyway ... it really is about how it's affecting Jed. I don't know what to do about it ... I can't win for losing, it seems. Now he blames me for losing her."

"Lou ..."

"It's true. He knows that if I hadn't woken up, she would still be here and everything would be the same. Not that it was any better then, because of me, of course. It would have been best if I had just died, I guess, and he - -"

"Don't say that!" Kid exploded. "Don't ever say that to me again," he repeated, pulling her close.

"I'm sorry," Lou said shamefacedly, thinking of all Kid had gone through to keep her alive the last eight years and how it must feel to hear her say what she had thoughtlessly blurted out. "I know, Isa wouldn't be here if I had died in the shooting .. our dear little girl ..."

"No, and you wouldn't be here with me right now," he added.

"But I just meant it's hard, beyond hard, to wake up and find my little boy grown up without me, and hating me and blaming me for everything that ever went wrong in his life. When I would do anything, even die for him if he needed me to. I love him so much and he hates me. That hurts more than anything else, anything else that happened while I was asleep."

Kid tightened his arms around his wife and let her cry on his shoulder, and Jed, crouching at the top of the stairs above the open kitchen door, bit his lip and turned to go back to his room silently.


	39. Chapter 39

**Chapter 38**

_June 1872_

"_Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life to his friends_," Mrs. Conrad, the reverend's wife intoned solemnly. She closed the Bible and running her eyes over the little congregation of children, she asked, "What do you think this means, my dears?"

Billy Simpson instantly raised his hand.

"Yes, William?"

"If means if you're a good friend, you have to get yourself killed."

Mrs. Conrad smiled candidly. "No, honey. I'm afraid it's not that."

"It means that if you love somebody, you should do anything good for them," Stella Johnson spoke up.

"Exactly. You see, the good Lord says…"

Sitting next to his sister, Jed heard Mrs. Conrad's explanation half-heartedly. He had been very sad since Natalie had turned him away, and Sundays were the worst. He had to see her with her new family in church, sparing not a single look in his direction, and Jed then felt very miserable, wishing with all his heart that he could be her boy or at least that things had remained the same.

After his visit to Natalie, Pa had talked to him but nothing he had said had convinced the boy. His father kept saying he had to forget Natalie and understand that he already had a mother. But it wasn't that simple, the boy thought. He loved Natalie; she had been a mother to him for his whole life, and his father acted as if he should be able to turn those feelings off like a water faucet, and feel the same thing for a woman who was a stranger to him, though she had slept for all his days in his very home and given him life.

Now he had nobody who cared about him, he thought, lifting his hand to his mouth to gnaw nervously on his already ragged, bitten cuticles. The taste of blood and his teacher's disapproving look made him take his hand from his mouth and ball it into a fist beside him to try to keep from biting his fingernails any more.

It didn't help that Ma wasn't anything like Natalie… not even close. Ma couldn't even cook as well as Natalie; she wasn't as pretty or clever or funny. Natalie used to tell him beautiful and entertaining stories for hours on end and Jed loved to talk to her and tell her everything. And now he was all alone and had nobody to turn to... not even Pa, who had changed since Ma had woken up.

"And children," Mrs. Conrad continued, "real love means to unselfishly give yourself without expecting anything. For example, don't your parents give you many nice things and are good to you even though you are sometimes naughty?" All the little heads bobbed up and down in unison. "You see? That's what lay down your life for others means. Yes, Helen?"

"Mrs. Conrad, my pa has to risk his life for folks every day," Helen stated proudly.

"Because he's the marshal, ninny," another boy said in a mocking tone.

Helen squared her shoulders and lifted her chin proudly, scowling at the boy. "My Ma says he almost got killed several times, defending his friends and the people he loves."

Mrs. Conrad smiled. "That shows your father is a man with a great heart."

Following this comment, all the children rushed to speak and tell Mrs. Conrad about their beloved parents, much of which was an exaggeration of the reality. Even Isa had a story about her father. Only Jed and the smaller children remained quiet.

At the end of Sunday school the children dashed outside. Jed lagged behind and Helen approached him a bit officiously, a small replica of Emma with her stern, proper eyes glaring out from under a mop of unruly red curls. "Jed, why didn't you tell Mrs. Conrad about your mother?"

"What about her?" the boy asked unenthusiastically.

"You know... how she saved your life."

Jed frowned in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb with me, Jed McCloud," Helen replied irritated. "My Pa told me that when you were a baby, bank robbers kidnapped you, and your Ma was shot, trying to save you. Don't tell me you didn't know that was why she was so sick for so long!"

Jed's eyes gradually widened in surprise as Helen talked. This was the first time he heard a tale like that. "That's not true, Helen. She had an accident, that's all."

"My Pa never lies!" Helen retorted angrily. "The accident was with those men... she was shot in her head. Ask her or your father if you don't believe me!"

The girl didn't wait for the boy to reply and quickening her pace she left her friend behind. Jed continued after her, dazed and confused. That was just a story Helen had made up. She sometimes liked pulling his leg and came up with some really silly tales. Jed kind of enjoyed her little games and they often had a laugh together. However, this one wasn't funny and even though Helen might apologize later, he'd let her know that this time he wasn't happy. That story was definitely a lie... it had to be. _Ma had an accident, Ma had an accide_nt, he kept repeating mentally while a little voice softly whispered in his mind that despite everything Helen's story sounded very real.

* * *

Like every Sunday the church was packed by Rock Creek's growing parishioners. The McClouds had taken the usual pew behind the Cains. Before Lou woke up, Natalie used to take the children to church since Kid couldn't leave Lou alone on the ranch. Now all the family came, which was a blessing in itself, a gift that added to all the goodness they had been granted.ç

Jed sat between his father and the aisle while Isa took the seat between his parents. The boy's eyes were downcast and focused on his intertwined hands, resting on his Sunday linen trousers. The reverend asked the congregation to open their Bibles and read a selected psalm. As the parishioners recited the text, Jed's eyes timidly lifted and fell on the open Bible that her mother was holding. It was an old one, an exact replica of his father's. Pa once said that the Bibles were a wedding gift sent by Sister Amelia, who ran the orphanage where Ma had lived once. Jed's attention, though, wasn't drawn to the book but to the hands holding it. Ma's fingers were very thin and her skin too pale. Some of them looked funny too, kind of knotted. Though Ma never complained, Jed had seen her wince in pain when she thought nobody was watching her at her daily work. Dr. Harris had told Pa that it was normal because of the long time she had been sleeping, that her muscles were shrunken.

Jed looked up and his eyes swept over his mother's figure. Even though months had passed, she still looked thinner than most people... most women. She had put on some weight, but not enough, and her pregnant middle looked much bigger than the four-months she was, protruding excessively in comparison with the rest of her scrawny body.

Jed gazed at her face attentively while Lou was oblivious to his curious scrutinizing, her own eyes intent on the psalm along with the rest of the congregation. It struck Jed as strange that this was the first time he really looked at his mother... looked at her for real. Her face had changed most, far from the skeletal features Jed had known all his young life. Ma's face had really filled up; her cheeks were rounder, her lips were rosy, and her brown eyes stood out against her pale skin. He finally could see Isa's resemblance to their mother that Pa always claimed.

Ashamed, Jed recalled the time he had called his mother ugly, but he had to admit that she wasn't. She was pretty, very pretty actually, especially now that her hair had grown some, just reaching her ears. Her pretty hat was tied under her chin with a pink the ribbon. As Ma bent to retrieve a handkerchief she had dropped to the floor, Jed saw a red, noticeable scar just behind her right ear, when her hair fell forward under the bonnet…that scar Ma always made sure it didn't show, something so small and yet so big, had forced her to be alive and dead at the same time for as long as Jed could remember.

At that moment Lou turned her head and found Jed staring at her with a strange expression. "Something wrong, honey?" she whispered. The boy shook his head and Lou smiled and turned her attention back to the Bible in her hands. Jed lowered his eyes to his lap as the same thought rolled on his mind. What Helen had said wasn't true… it couldn't be ... Not after the way he had treated her …. It had to be a lie, it had to be.

After church Rock Creek's parishioners got together for a picnic near the lake. Tables had been set and the ladies brought all their special dishes for a day of enjoyment among family, friends and neighbors. One of the tables was crammed by the men and women that had regarded each other as family since the day they started working for the Pony Express years ago… a little family that had grown with the time even though some of its members were absent or gone forever.

As soon as they had eaten, the children had run to play… all of them but Jed, who sat dejectedly under a nearby chestnut tree. Sharing a knowing look with her husband, Louise rose to her feet and excused herself. "Something wrong, honey?" she asked when she came closer to her son.

"No," the boy replied curtly.

"Why then don't you go play with your sister and your friends?"

"I don't feel like it," Jed said in the same rough tone.

"It's a beautiful day, honey, to enjoy… why don't you…?"

"Why don't you leave me alone?" the boy retorted before Lou had the chance to finish.

Despite being used to Jed's rough manners, Lou felt like crying when he treated her like this. She breathed in deeply to control her tears and said, "Well, if that's what you want, I'll go now."

Irritated, Jed watched his mother's slumped figure walk towards the other adults that were engaged in conversation and suddenly a voice resounded above him. "That's not the way young children should talk to their mamas."

Jed looked up to see his Aunt Rachel and blushed at her mild reprimand. "I… I'm sorry."

"It's not me you should be apologizing, don't you think?" Rachel replied as she gathered her skirts to sit down next to Jed. The boy didn't reply and the woman continued, "You made your mother sad. Are you proud of it, young man?"

"I guess not."

Rachel nodded. "And tell me what you didn't care to tell your mother. Why aren't you playing with the others?"

"I already told her. I don't feel like it."

"Any particular reason?"

The boy kept thoughtful for a bit and then nodded his head slowly as he shifted his eyes to Louise, who was talking to Jenny at a certain distance. Rachel followed the direction of his gaze and feeling the child was worried about something, she said, "Come on, Jed. Let's go for a walk."

They strolled for a while in silence. Rachel didn't press the boy and after a while Jed spoke up. "Aunt Rachel, Helen told me something and … I don't know if it's true."

"Is that what worries you?"

Jed nodded. "She said that my mother was shot when she tried to save my life… That can't be true, can it, Aunt Rachel?"

The woman remained silent for a few seconds. "Honey, what Helen said is basically true." She paused and picking the words carefully, suitable for the eight-year-old she told him the tale the young girl had started. When she finished, Jed's blue eyes were bright with tears. "Jed, what's wrong?" Rachel asked with a concerned voice as she passed her hand over his shoulder comfortingly.

"Why did she do that, Aunt Rachel?" Jed said as the tears rolled down his face. "She almost died."

"Honey, she's your ma and loves you more than life. Your parents would give their lives for you and Isa at any moment. All they care about is for you to be healthy and happy. Your mother did what she had to do, and I'm sure she'd do the same a second time if necessary."

The tears turned into sobs as Jed exclaimed, "I wanted her to die! She saved my life and I wanted her to die! I wanted her to die!"

"Please, Jed, you need to calm down," Rachel said as she wiped the boy's eyes with a white handkerchief.

"And I hated her!" Jed continued in the same tone. "I hate… her!"

Rachel shook her head and gave the boy a little smile. "I don't think that's true, Jed. You wouldn't get this worked up if you hated your mother." She paused for a second. Jed seemed calmer and Rachel decided to broach the core of the problem. "Honey, I know you are angry and upset because your Ma fired Natalie. You loved her very much, didn't you?"

Jed nodded, sadly whispering, "I don't want to forget Natalie … she was the one there for me, who took care of me. They want me to forget that, and I can't."

Rachel continued, "You know, having feelings for your mother doesn't mean you're betraying Natalie. Jed, you're a very lucky boy to have such a brave and special woman as your mother and you also have a bunch of people who love you. But don't close your heart from loving your ma when you're trying so hard to be loyal to Natalie."

The boy nodded. Rachel had to smile as her mind brought her back to a similar conversation she had with Lou years ago when Lou had refused to accept her as Emma's replacement at the station or in her heart. .

"Aunt Rachel?" Jed called, interrupting Rachel's train of thought.

"Yes, honey?"

"You won't tell any of this to Pa… or… or her… please," the boy begged.

Rachel kept quiet for a few minutes. "All right. I won't say a word on one condition." The boy didn't even blink as he expected her to carry on. "You have to promise me you'll treat your mother with the respect she deserves."

"I will… I promise."

"Good. And young man, I'll be keeping an eye on you, understood? You know your ma has been sick for a long, long time and really needs lots of kisses and hugs."

The boy nodded imperceptibly, agreeing but feeling that he couldn't promise that much. As they walked back, he kept thinking about the conversation he just had. He was sorry for his behavior and today he had learned something about his mother that made him see her in a different light. Besides, Natalie was gone and would never come back no matter what happened between him and Ma. He resolved that he'd try his best, but he doubted he could do more than be good and respectful. He couldn't make himself feel what he didn't, though everyone seemed to want that so much. No, his loyal heart belonged to Natalie, and always would.


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter 39**

_June 1872_

Jed stood at the door of the barn as his eyes stared at the deserted yard, looking without seeing. The sun shone brightly in the sky, not a single cloud polluting the blue above and a soft breeze blew, cooling the earth below. It was a beautiful day, and a Saturday which meant no school for two long days. However, not even that thought made Jed's spirits perk up. He was feeling low as he had been for a long while now. Now a new reason added to his heavy heart. After what Aunt Rachel had told him, Jed had tried to change, had tried to be good, and somehow he had managed. In all this past week he hadn't been mean to Ma… not even once. In fact, Jed had hardly said a word to her or even met her eyes when she talked to him. Now that he knew his mother had lain down her life for him as Mrs. Conrad had taught them last Sunday while he had been so ungrateful and nasty, Jed felt so ashamed of himself that he couldn't even bring himself to look at his mother. Ma always tried to engage him in conversation but he replied to her questions with monosyllables and short answers.

The truth was that since Natalie had gone, he had nobody and felt strangely isolated in his own family… as if everything and everybody was different and strange. Isa was always with Ma, like a constant shadow, hogging her, much in the same way he had done with Natalie. Jed often watched his mother and his sister together in their talks and games, and his young heart longed to join them and share their laughs. Yet, he was proud and even though his mother always tried to include him, Jed refused or simply walked away.

Jed had never understood how Isa lived in that fantasy of hers, which had centered on their unconscious mother while being so indifferent to Natalie, who did everything for them. Jed thought back and realized that he had been the apple of Natalie's eye while Isa had been left out then.

Now the shoe was on the other foot. He had rejected Ma and taken a stand that he would never let himself love her, and now Isa was the favorite. And his loyalty to Natalie had been pointless; she had replaced him so easily. Whenever he saw Natalie, she was merely polite to him; she acted as if he was just a person she used to know, nobody special. He saw the favorite treats he used to get for lunch in the Simpson boys' lunch pails. He had to walk past the Simpsons' farm on the way home from school and he would see Natalie's smiling face as she worked around the yard, planting flowers or hanging out laundry, and the Simpson boys ran to her happily, and went inside with her, chattering about their day. The woman would wave hello briefly to him and then … it seemed she would get away as quickly as she could. She wanted to be with her real boys, now, he supposed.

So here he was, adrift with conflicting emotions. He still loved Natalie and missed her every day, but she was gone and had forgotten him. Ma had done everything for him, laying down her very life … and he had pushed her away and ruined things. He wanted to make things right and normal with his mother, but he felt cornered and too proud, and didn't know how to let go of the anger and hurt and reach out, after all that had happened. It was a final hurt to see that Isa and Ma grew closer every day, and he was further on the outside looking in as every day went by.

Jed wasn't looking forward to the birth of the baby either, one more change in a long line of life-changing events this year. The idea of having yet another person around the house made him feel uncomfortable. Jed feared what having a new baby would mean for him. A brand new baby, who would need constant attention from his Ma and Pa, who would be another person who would come before him in their affections Everybody else seemed to be ecstatic; Isa never stopped talking happily about the baby and Jed was getting tired of all of it.

The sound of a door closing drew his attention and then he saw his mother and his sister stepping out of the house. Each one held a handle of the laundry basket as they walked towards the lines. Isa struggled with her end, but didn't let go even though his mother kept telling her to. Jed's eyes never left them and he noticed that Ma's limping gait was more evident today… probably because of all the weight the new baby meant. As Lou saw her son, she lifted her free hand in greeting, but as she didn't expect a response, she continued across the yard without pausing. From his position Jed saw her laugh at something Isa had said, and he wondered what it was about. He also used to make Natalie smile and laugh, and he missed those moments so, so much.

Jed kept watching as his sister handed Ma the clothes which she hung on the line. Suddenly, he noticed a hand on his shoulder and as he lifted his eyes, he saw his father, smiling down at him. "What are you doing, Jed?"

The boy shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing."

"Bored?"

"I guess."

"Why don't you ask Isa to play with you?" Kid offered.

"I don't want to… she's a nuisance," the boy grumbled morosely.

"A nuisance? Why? You two always got on well… most of the time."

"She acts like a baby… all she does is to follow Ma everywhere."

Kid noticed his son's stare directed not at Isa, but at Lou. His eyes were shining and his jaw squared; Kid could almost see his own gestures in his son… a glint of jealousy, something common among brothers and sisters. Maybe the space Lou had decided to leave their son was working and Jed was finally understanding. Lately Jed was very quiet… thoughtful and sullen. Kid knew that the situation wasn't easy for the boy, and it hurt him to think Jed was isolating himself and suffering on his own. "Jed, you know something?" Kid spoke up and for the first time the boy averted his attention from across the yard. "Did I ever tell you about my mother?" Jed shook his head and Kid continued, "She was a very good woman, but unfortunately, she died when I was young. I lost her forever, but… God brought Lou back to us. We've been very lucky, don't you think?" Jed kept quiet, his blue eyes staring at his father unblinkingly. "Son, there's no shame in admitting you need your mother… it's natural. And it's never too late to make amends."

Jed nodded imperceptibly. Kid smiled and ruffling the boy's hair affectionately, he walked back into the stables, leaving the boy watching his mother from the same position as mixed feelings coursed all over him.

* * *

Sitting cross-legged on the straw in the hayloft, Jed kept his eyes directed into the box on his lap. A cardinal lay inside and the boy kept feeding it tiny pieces of bread dipped in milk. Jed had found the bird about seven months ago; it had fallen out of a tree and had a broken leg and a wing. The boy had taken pity on him and taken him home. However, Natalie had told him to put the bird back where he had found it since it was bound to die anyway. She scolded that the little bird was dirty and warned him never to touch a sick or hurt wild animal again. Jed hadn't been very happy and for once he hadn't obeyed Natalie. Instead he had kept the bird in a box in the hayloft, hidden from everyone and every opportunity he had, he ran there to feed it. The bird hadn't died as Natalie had said, but the poor bird couldn't fly. Nobody knew about his secret pet, not even his father. He named the little creature 'Herman', and was convinced that Herman loved it in the little box in the loft.

"Herman," the boy whispered, "do you miss your ma? I guess you don't, do you? You hardly knew her when you came to live with us, did you? You're like me… and I know you wouldn't be happy if I returned you to her, would you?"

The bird chirped as if he could understand Jed, and the boy smiled as his little finger caressed the red head of his little friend. Suddenly, his mother's voice resounded in the stillness of the barn. "Jed, is that you?"

Jed quickly stood up, carefully closed the lid of the box and hurried to hide it. Yet, he wasn't quick enough and Lou's head appeared as she climbed the ladder to the loft. "Jed, why didn't you answer me?"

The boy didn't say a word and hid the box behind his back. He was afraid that his ma would make him get rid of the bird. Lou noticed that Jed was trying to hide something. His gesture, like most of his usual attitudes, hurt her unbearably, but she smiled, like she always did, as she stood before her son. "Honey, what do you have there?"

"Nothing."

"What do you have in that box?" Lou insisted. "Is it a mouse or a bird? I'd like to see it."

Surprised, Jed finally revealed the box from behind his back. "It's a bird… his name is Herman."

Louise smiled at the strange name for a bird. She lifted the lid and wrinkled her nose at the acrid smell that gave out. "Oh the poor thing!" she exclaimed as she saw the bird. "What happened to him, Jed?"

"He fell out of a tree and broke a leg and a wing," Jed explained, surprised at seeing his mother pick up Herman and hold him in her hands.

"And did you nurse him back to health yourself?" Lou asked and Jed nodded. "My, honey, I'm impressed."

The boy couldn't help but blush at her compliment and a little smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "But, honey," Louise continued, "this isn't a place to keep the poor dear. That box is too small and smelly."

Jed's face fell in disappointment. "Do you mean I have to get rid of Herman?"

"Of course not, sweetheart," Lou replied. "We just have to find him better accommodations." Louise kept thoughtful for a while and then said, "I think there's a cage at home. Your father once brought me a goldfinch when we first moved in here, but it escaped…hopefully the cage is still up in the shed where I put it."

They climbed down and went together to the shed. Jed stepped in front of his mother when she tried to move some heavy furniture aside, and manfully shoved the old dresser away. Lou smiled, as the old cradle was revealed. "Your old bed!" she said, lovingly running her hand over it. She made a mental note to have Kid pull it out and refinish it for the new baby, but now was not the time. "There it is," she said, pointing to the cage hanging from a rafter. Jed sprang up onto a stepstool and tipped it so the hook came loose from the nail, and handed it down to his mother.

They carried the cage back to the kitchen where Lou started to clean it off the grime it had gathered. "Herman will be much happier in this cage… and we can keep him here… sunshine will do him good and it's going to be nice to hear him sing in the house."

"Do you really mean that?"

"Course I do. Why wouldn't I?"

Jed shrugged. "Natalie didn't like birds."

Lou looked sharply at Jed, but it didn't seem as if the comment was made maliciously. She sighed. Whether she liked it or not, Natalie had been part of her family's life for many years, and she still had a place in Jed's heart even though she had been gone for a while now. Just because Natalie wasn't Jed's real mother, didn't mean his feelings for her weren't real … she recalled how she had loved Teaspoon like a father and still loved Emma as a mother, even though she had been grown up when she met them and no blood was shared with either of them. Jed must be allowed to remember his childhood without being made to feel guilty for it.

"Well, honey, not all ladies feel the same about wild animals." She paused and added, "When I was your age, I loved them too… actually, I'm still quite fond of them." Lou turned and was pleasantly surprised to see her son listening to her with total attention. "I remember once your uncle Jeremiah and I found a little bunny. I had the bright idea of hiding it under my bed in the girls' dormitory. And the following day we discovered the rabbit had gnawed everything that it came across, slippers, clothes, books… The nuns weren't very happy… and do you know who got an unforgettable punishment?"

"You."

"Exactly," Lou replied with an exaggerated expression. She began tearing up old newspapers to line the cage.

Jed laughed, reaching for a section of newspaper to shred and Lou felt her heart swell with hope and love for her small son. This simple business of the bird had kind of brought them together. It was the first time she had a real conversation with her son; in fact, he hadn't talked a lot now either, but he hadn't scowled, huffed or showed his discontent. He was laughing instead… laughing alongside her… and it was the most beautiful sound, even more than the first time she had heard him cry as she cradled him in her arms. Lou felt a terrible urge to hug him and press him against her, but she restrained herself. She didn't want him to recoil and feel uncomfortable. This was a small step and she made a mental note to try to close the gap with her son by stepping in his terrain other than trying to drag him into hers. Placing a cup of water in the cage, she nodded. "It's ready, Herman!" she said gaily, and Jed grinned and placed the bright red bird with his orange beak and black mask on the floor of the cage, where he hopped and ruffled his feathers excitedly.

Suddenly, a little whirlwind rushed into the kitchen. Isa directly dashed to her mother, throwing her hands around her and placing a smacking kiss on Lou's expanding belly. "Hello, beautiful," Lou said as she bent down to kiss her daughter.

Jed silently watched the exchange between his mother and his sister with a bit of irritation. He was really enjoying what his Ma was telling him, and like always Isa had to get in the middle.

Isa's eyes then got drawn to the cage and the beautiful, little bird in its inside. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes widening with a pleasant expression of awe.

"It's your brother's pet," Louise explained.

"Oh… it's so pretty!" Isa exclaimed, clapping her hands excitedly. "Can I see it, please?"

"Herman's mine," Jed protested.

"But, honey, it won't hurt him if your sister has a look, don't you think?" Lou said softly as she picked up the cage and let the girl have a closer look.

"He's beautiful!" the girl exclaimed.

Lou turned from the children and walked to the sink to wash her hands. "Why don't you go find something else to do, Isa? I'm doing this with Ma," Jed whispered.

"So what? You may have been Natalie's favorite, but I'm Ma's favorite, not you, so don't you start thinking that -"

"Isa!" Lou exclaimed in a disapproving tone. "That's not the way to talk to your brother!"

"I'm sorry, Ma," Isa muttered, lowering her eyes as the unshed tears stung behind her eyelids. She hadn't expected to be told off by her mother and her scolding had taken the girl aback.

Wiping her hands on her apron, Lou walked to her two children. "Listen to me, you two. Pa and I love both of you the same. No differences, understood?" The children bobbed their heads up and down. "Good. And now go to play… and remember, no fighting."

The children dashed away to the living room. Lou hung the cage on a hook by the window, shaking her head thoughtfully. Natalie's influence on her family was still palpable. Lou had witnessed how Natalie had favored the boy over his sister, and Louise regretted not having done something about it sooner. That wasn't a healthy way for children to be raised, as favoritism toward one child inevitably built up rivalry and competition between children. Lou bitterly thought that if she hadn't woken up in time, Jed and Isa might have ended up growing apart, resenting each other. Luckily, she was back and she'd fight to keep her family together. She wanted all her children to grow close and to love and respect each other. There was nothing more important than that… That was what Teaspoon used to say… there's nothing more sacred than family.

A knock at the kitchen door snapped Lou out of her thoughts and she saw a red head and blonde one appear. "Hi, girls!" she greeted with a smile.

Penny looked Louise up and down as she walked into the kitchen, and noticing her sister-in-law still clad in working clothes, she asked, "Lou, aren't you ready yet?"

"Ready?" Louise echoed, clueless at what the Penny was talking about.

"Remember, we agreed to go to town together to get some things for your new baby?" Jenny elaborated. "I told you my father had received very nice clothes."

Lou's hand flew to her mouth. "Oh gosh, I completely forgot! My head's like a sieve!"

The girls exchanged a smile. "You have a lot in your head, Lou," Jenny added, ruffling Jed's sandy hair affectionately as the boy walked past her to get a glass of water.

"Just give me ten minutes…" Lou started, but her voice trailed, as she reminded herself that her situation was different. "Uh… would it be all right if you wait some… uh… half an hour?" That was what it would take her to dress if she hurried.

"Won't be a problem," Penny conceded. "Take your time."

"There are cookies in the jar and you know… help yourselves to coffee," Lou said as she slid out of the kitchen as quickly as her clumsy legs let her.

Penny and Jenny sat down at the kitchen table and after sampling a few cookies, Penny turned to her friend.

"Isn't it wonderful?"

"Wonderful? What? The cookies?" Jenny asked with a confused frown.

Penny laughed. "No, silly. I think it's wonderful that Lou's having a baby. She missed out on so much with the other two, and that can't ever come back, but at least she can have all those special moments with this baby."

Jed was drinking his water on the porch outside the kitchen, and perked up his ears. His Aunt Penny continued talking. Jed listened to each word with rapt attention. He thought that Aunt Penny was right, the new baby would have a mother all its life, and never have to explain a strange sleeping stranger living in his house. He set the glass down … not only would the new baby have so much more than he got as a small child … but Ma would be closer to the baby too, since she would be there all its life.

"I can't help but feel a bit concerned," Jenny continued. "I hope Lou's strong enough to handle pregnancy. You know I was completely healthy, and younger than she was, when I lost my baby …"

"Yeah," Penny agreed. "She hasn't been awake that long and you can tell she hasn't recovered completely. And her losing the baby isn't the worst that could happen," she said, slipping another cookie onto her plate. "You know Dr. Harris said she might still go back into her coma, and he wouldn't feel she was out of danger from that until she was completely back to her full strength. It would be a tragedy if the strain of the pregnancy or the birth put her back where she was before, or worse …Kid's sick with worry, especially with the baby coming in just a few months."

"Yes…" Jenny replied sadly, and not liking the direction the conversation was taking, she changed the subject for something more cheerful like her daughters' mischief, which always managed to lift her spirits in the worst moments.

Jed's eyes were round as saucers as he had heard the two women. He didn't know that his mother's health was still at risk. He thought that Ma was back for good but seemingly, it wasn't so. Ma might get sick again and all because she was going to have that baby. That would be horrible. That would hurt his family real bad. Pa and Isa would get sad, very sad, and he… Jed just couldn't think. Things then would return to the same routine as before and the idea horrified him. Thinking that when he woke up every day, Ma wouldn't be there, smiling, joking with Pa and Isa, laughing… he wanted everything to remain the same as it was now, he realized. Even though he had been sulking all these months over Natalie going away, he knew that his home was happier, jollier than before… and he didn't want to go back to sadness. He had taken the changes for the better for granted in the grief over Natalie. No, Ma couldn't get sick again. She couldn't get back to that bed forever again. She couldn't. She couldn't. And as his mind reeled in panic, two big tears rolled down his cheeks, the glass fell from his hands to the porch floor, crashing against it in a thousand pieces, and he stood up and ran from the porch, trying to escape the pain that pressed his chest like never before.


	41. Chapter 41

**Chapter 40**

_June 1872_

The children were hungrily downing their eggs-in-a-baskets before school, while Lou nibbled on a piece of dry toast and sipped some black tea, when suddenly she sat bolt upright.

"Oh no!" she gasped, staring at an envelope on the table and snatching it up. She opened it and groaned.

"What's wrong, Ma?" Isa asked, mopping up some of the runny yolks with a piece of her toast.

"Oh, nothing that bad," Lou sighed. "Just that your Pa forgot to take this envelope with him. It's the mortgage payment, and he may not realize he forgot it until after the bank closes. He was going to help with the Josephsens' barn raising and then going to run in quickly to the bank, pay the mortgage, and take the two of you home."

"He can pay tomorrow, then, right?" Jed said unconcernedly.

Lou sighed again. "No, I'm afraid not, it's due today. We'll be charged extra if it isn't paid today." She looked up. "Well, I guess that means I'm going in to town … you two feel like a ride today?"

"Sure, Ma," they chorused.

"I'll harness the buggy, Pa showed me how," Jed said, picking up his and Isa's books and lunch pails and hurrying out, with Isa close behind.

Lou washed the remaining dishes with a growing feeling of fear and dread in her heart. She had not set foot in the bank since . . . well, since the accident. She dreaded the thought of going in there again, with the memory of the gang snatching Jed from her and about to ride away with him fresh in her memory, as if it had happened recently instead of all those years ago; and then she shook her head in annoyance at herself. It was a silly fear, and she needed to get over it. She had been making Kid do all their bank business to avoid the dreaded building where her life had been changed so, and that was just silly, she tried to convince herself. She hung up her apron and put on her town hat, and resolved to get over that hurdle, today.

After dropping the children off at the school, she dawdled at the store for a bit, then slowly made her way toward the big brick building. She lingered for a moment outside the bank, glancing around and then in the windows, but everything seemed normal. "Stop it, Louise," she whispered to herself, ignoring the stares of some of the passers-by. She shoved the door of the bank open and got on line, feeling more and more confident as the line moved forward, when to her dismay, the door smashed open behind her and three masked men rushed in, shouting and firing guns into the air.

"Everybody get down, now! This is a holdup!" the leader boomed, and Lou put her hands up and cursed under her breath.

"You have got to be kidding me," she muttered to herself through gritted teeth, backing to the wall with an irritated glare as the men elbowed their way to the bank teller's window.

Miss Daniels was hearing the primer class give their lesson when a gunshot rang out through the air, followed by a quick succession of more gunfire and shattering glass. "Get down, children!" the teacher ordered, and the students quickly obeyed. Huddled under the desk, Jed tried to figure out where the gunshots were coming from; his heart sank when he realized it was from the direction of the bank.

Ma was going to the bank today. Ma was there. She was in danger, he thought in horror. He closed his eyes tight, reeling with fear.

After a few tense moments, the noise did not return. "I think it's over," one of the older boys said, peeking out of a window. "Yeah, there's a crowd forming by the bank."

Taking hold of his courage, Jed got up and started at a run toward the door. "Jed!" Miss Daniels called after him, but Jed was so terrified at the thought of his mother having been caught in yet another holdup, he paid no heed and raced blindly toward the bank. There was a crowd gathering around it, and as Jed tried desperately to make his way through it, clawing and shoving despite the disapproving looks of the adults, he could hear bits and snippets of the news.

"The Carlson gang."

"Three armed men."

"A pregnant woman in the bank."

"Shot."

Jed was in an agony, until he finally burst through the crowd and caught sight of his mother emerging from the bank. To his astonishment, he saw that she was holding a gun at the back of a villainous looking thug of a man three times her size. He was dizzy with relief at seeing her all right, barely noticing that her dress was spattered with blood. Sam was walking out behind her with another prisoner, and then a small bevy of bank customers flooded out the doors.

Rooted to the spot, Jed watched in dumbfoundment as his mother and Sam marched the two prisoners toward the Marshal's office, and the other customers started chattering excitedly to the crowd. Soon enough Jed gathered what had happened - - one of the robbers had grabbed his mother by the arm, intending to use her as a human shield and hostage , when suddenly his ma had reached into her reticule and produced a gun, firing it into the stunned man's face and killing him on the spot. The surprise had been sufficient that she had gotten the drop on the leader of the gang, while the teller overpowered the third man as Sam had reached the door.

"Maybe we should hire that little McCloud gal on as the Marshal," one of the bystanders said, as the crowd guffawed good-naturedly. But the admiration the crowd had for his courageous mother was palpable, he felt it in the very air around him. Banker Garfield spotted him and slapped him on the back. "That's one heck of a ma you got there, son. You're a lucky boy."

The crowd dispersed as Jed stood shaking in the road, not sure what to do or where to go. He was so relieved and proud that he hardly could gather his wits about him . . . but the terror he had felt just minutes before was having its toll on the sensitive boy and he crept to the back of the mercantile to compose himself, dissolving into tears of relief, that this time, at least, nothing bad had happened . . . but the close call left him shaken and all the more frightened than he had been already of some further change and loss and tragedy overtaking their family, since death and danger seemed to lurk at every corner.


	42. Chapter 42

**Chapter 41**

_June 1872_

Cries came from down the corridor. Jed slowly crept to his bedroom door and stood there listening. He could vaguely hear Isa's sobbing and Pa's soft voice but he couldn't make out the words. After a few moments he dared to open the door and crane his head out. Isa and Pa were in front of the master bedroom; the girl was hugging Pa while wailing loudly... and Pa... He also looked sad as he stared down at a white bundle he was holding in his arms. Jed started inching along the corridor, which seemed endless and too dark today. Kid saw him and as the boy came to stand before him, he said, "Jed, this is your new baby brother."

Jed didn't spare a single look at the baby when his Pa leaned forward for him to have a better view. He simply kept looking at his father. "Where's Ma?" the boy asked in a quivery voice as his heart pounded in his chest, waiting for his father's answer.

Kid drew a breath. "Honey, I'm sorry," he muttered, his voice shaking. "Ma couldn't hold on and she's gone..."

"No!"

The cry left his lips at the same time that he woke up and found himself in the darkness of his bedroom. His body was trembling, his forehead was sweaty and his heart was thumping so strongly that he thought the beats resounded in the room. He squeezed his eyes shut, praying over and over again, but the image of his father's sadness didn't go away, only being overlapped by the image of Ma's still figure, as she had been for so many years. He couldn't get rid of the idea that Ma could get sick or hurt at any moment and he lived in the constant fear that something might happen to her. Was his dream a sign, a forewarning that God had sent him? He knew that God often talked to folks in dreams... he had read that in the Bible and it was possible that was what was happening.

Unable to sleep and invaded by worry, Jed slipped out of bed. He was very scared but he needed to know. His bare feet led him to his parents' bedroom in the dark. He opened the door and as he stepped inside, he could make out his parents' outlines in bed and hear Pa's deep intakes of air. Jed stood by the bed for a few seconds, hovering over his mother's sleeping figure. Her chest moved up and down as she breathed. She was so still, as peaceful as she had been all those years. Jed felt tears sting his eyes, fearing the worst; he could barely breathe with the terror squeezing his heart, and unable to control himself, he shot his hands out to grasp her shoulders and shook her hard.

Louise woke up with a startle. "Wh... what?" she mumbled, struggling to sit up and in the process waking her husband. She rubbed her sleepy eyes and then she finally saw her son. "Jed, honey, what are you doing here?"

Suddenly, the boy was lost for words. The relief he felt at seeing his mother awake was immense, but he didn't know how to excuse his presence in the bedroom. He simply couldn't tell her about his dream. The words choked him in his throat.

"Jed, it's very late," Kid mumbled.

"I...I... I'm thirsty," the boy let out clumsily.

Kid sat up, eased his legs over the edge and poured a glass from the water pitcher on the bedside table. The boy took the glass with trembling hands and as he drank his water, he kept looking at Lou over the rim.

"You're cold too, Jed?" Lou asked, noticing his shaking, and her hand quickly flew to check his forehead. "He doesn't have a temperature," she observed in relief. "Jed, you shouldn't go barefoot… even at this time of the year."

"He's fine, Lou," Kid cut in. "Don't be such a worrywart… he's only thirsty." He paused and sending her a mischievous smile, he added, "And now that I think about it, those potatoes we had for dinner were kind of salty, don't you think?"

"Ha, ha, very funny," Louise replied, feigning offense, even though she knew her husband was simply teasing her. "You should be ashamed of yourself, Kid McCloud… making fun of your hard-working wife's cooking."

"Don't give me that face, honey," Kid replied as his hand brushed her thigh over the quilt. "You know I love everything you do… everything." Louise blushed, smiling contentedly, and after sharing a look with her, Kid turned to his son. "Come on, buddy. Let's get you to bed now and let Ma have her rest."

"Good night, Jed," Lou said as she settled back to sleep.

The boy replied in a low voice and followed his father. Once in bed, Jed started feeling frightened again and as Kid was about to leave, the boy said, "Pa, will you stay with me? Please."

"What's wrong, Jed?"

"I…I'm scared."

"Scared?" Jed nodded, but didn't make the least attempt to elaborate. "All right, I'll stay with you tonight. Move over, young man."

Kid lay down next to his son, foreseeing a very uncomfortable night ahead. The bed was too small for two people, especially when one of them was an adult. Half his body was practically in the air and one of his legs rested on the floor. But he didn't mind that. He had been so preoccupied with his own worries most of Jed's life, that he felt now he might not have paid enough attention to the boy before, leaving him to Natalie to handle much more than he should have. He would not repeat his mistakes now that Lou was back. As Lou had pointed out, a child who is being difficult often needs more attention than ever, and Jed's behavior was a cry for help and guidance. The little boy was going through difficult changes in the last few months and it was no wonder he was acting out, and having trouble digesting all that had happened. If the little fellow needed a little extra security, he would provide it, he thought, while shifting awkwardly in the small bed.

"Pa!" Jed called in an urgent voice all of a sudden.

"Yes, buddy?"

"I want you to go," Jed added. Thinking that Ma was alone in bed and something might happen to her filled him with total anxiety. If Pa was there with her, he wouldn't let anything happen or would call the doctor if she got sick.

"You want me to go?" Kid echoed in surprise.

"Yeah… I'm fine now… you can go to bed with Ma… please."

Kid looked at his son in the moonlight, wondering where these mood swings came from. A couple of minutes before Jed had begged him to stay with him and now he came with just the opposite. Kid could make out the boy's face and eyes, silently pleading with him to go back to his own room. "Jed, what's wrong? Does something worry you?"

"No… nothing, but please, Pa… please go."

"All right, I'll go," Kid said as he rose from the bed. "But if you need me, just come and find me, ok?" Jed nodded. The door closed behind Kid and as soon as the boy found himself on his own, his body started trembling again. He was so scared. He didn't want to be alone, but he didn't want Ma to be alone either. Tonight's dream kept replaying in his mind and the tears that started timidly soon turned into muffled sobs. All his spirit told him that Ma was in terrible danger and he really believed that he and his family were going to lose her again. The thought terrified him. The night dragged along as the boy remained awake, living one of the worst and most torturous hours of his young life.

* * *

_Two weeks later_

"Good afternoon, Mr. Tompkins," Louise greeted the store keeper as she made her entrance. The man muttered his greeting and kept his attention on the account book in his hands. Louise stopped for a second to get her breath back. The baby at almost five months made her short of breath easily, especially after walking all the way to town. Dr. Harris had recommended her to go for walks at this stage in her pregnancy and it was true that they were doing her good in other senses too. The physical exercise was making her legs stronger and even though her limbs still hurt, she was feeling much better.

Looking around the store, Louise quickly spotted the stand with the different fabrics on display. She wanted to buy some material for a few summer dresses for Isa and some shirts for Jed. A couple of days more and school would break for the summer. Lou was looking forward to having her children at home all the time and had many plans in mind, especially regarding Jed. She wanted to do everything possible to close the gap that still kept them apart; Jed was much better now, but things were far from being perfect. Louise longed to show him how much she loved him, instead of restraining herself in her displays of affection as she normally did. She knew he was still wary around her, and she hoped her son would sometime soon regard her with the love she so longed.

This summer Lou planned to go to Theresa's with Isa. Her sister couldn't come to Rock Creek for the time being, and Lou wanted to go and see her before she got too big to travel. The last time she had seen Tessie had been when she and Kid had that terrible confrontation over Natalie, and she had left Theresa as quickly and suddenly as she had arrived. Lou really looked forward to spending some time with her sister and enjoying a few talks and laughs. It would be fun, and surprisingly, Kid hadn't said a word against it when she had told him about her intentions. And since she had promised Isa she could come with her the next time, Lou was taking her sweet girl with her. Lou hadn't told Isa yet and she couldn't wait to see her little face when she did. Of course she'd thought of taking Jed as well, but dismissed the idea, knowing he wouldn't want to.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. McCloud."

Lou lifted her eyes to find the children's teacher next to her. "How are you, Miss Daniels?"

"Good, thank you," the teacher replied with a kind smile. "And you?"

"Oh, I'm fine… well, we're fine… me and your future pupil," Louise said, patting her middle for emphasis. Both women exchanged smiles. Despite their first difficult encounter, Lou had to say she liked Miss Daniels. The woman had apologized to Lou repeatedly, admitting she had been totally wrong about Isa. Her humble admission told Lou that Miss Daniels wasn't so pompous or presumptuous as she had first thought. "I imagine you'd be looking forward to being released from all those children this summer," Lou commented.

"To be totally honest, I'm gonna miss them," Miss Daniels replied. "I love my job and the children." The teacher paused and hesitated for a second. She looked around. The store was deserted and Mr. Tompkins was busy at the other end of the room. "Mrs. McCloud, I was wondering if I could have a word with you."

"Sure," Lou replied promptly, intrigued by the mysterious air the teacher had adopted all of a sudden.

"It's about your son."

"What about Jed?"

Miss Daniels cleared her throat uncomfortably before she started. "Jed's a very intelligent boy, one of the sharpest students I have, but lately… he… he's changed. He's kind of distracted, doesn't pay attention to my lessons… his grades have collapsed and at the end of the class he almost stumbles in his hurry to leave. I find that kind of behavior so strange. Excuse me for asking but… I was wondering if he might be having some kind of problem at home."

Lou sighed, feeling a tell-tale stab in her heart on hearing the teacher. "I'm afraid he does have a problem… and the problem is me." Miss Daniels gave her a surprised look and Louise continued, "Since I came to, there's been too many changes for him. We're learning to be a family again and you'd think it's a good thing, and it is… but for Jed things are complicated. Mrs. Simpson, you know … she looked after him when I was sick… since he was a baby. She's not working for us anymore and he misses her and … well, he's still having a difficult time learning to accept me and I guess the new baby is another thing he has to cope with." Lou paused, inhaled deeply to control her tears and then carried on, "I feared all this would end up affecting him real bad… I just don't know what else to do. His father and I are trying everything… but… I just don't know."

"Mrs. McCloud," the teacher replied in a soft voice, moved by Lou's sincerity and true pain, "children are so complex that you never know what is really on their minds. Parenting is such a hard job… I do admire you parents because being a teacher is not half of what you have to face with your children. In any case, Jed is a clever boy and he'll eventually learn to accept the situation at home. I'm sure that this summer will do him good."

Louise nodded silently. Miss Daniel's words had added to her worries about her son. She and Kid were already concerned about Jed's attitude lately. It was true that the boy had softened; he was much milder and didn't drop those sour comments about her any more. Yet, Kid said that Jed was too changed. He wasn't himself, especially in the last month. The boy hardly spoke and looked troubled and sad. Lou felt terrible, aware that she was the reason behind her son's misery. She had observed his sad and anxious eyes when he looked at her. What could she do to make things better for him? All she wanted was for her son to be happy, but she was unable to make that happen. Her family wasn't complete without him and she wondered if they would ever be. Maybe Miss Daniels was right and this summer would help Jed to understand. But what if things remained unchanged in her son's heart? She needed to do something because she couldn't allow Jed to keep suffering.

* * *

"I think me going away to Tessie's might be good for Jed," Lou was going as she lifted the pot lid and tasted the soup. She added a little salt and continued, "He needs some breathing room for a while and of course some time alone with his daddy. He didn't have to share you with anybody but Isa, and it's natural that he feels lonely and miserable. It will be a good chance for you to talk to him… you know, have some men's time."

Kid nodded and wrapped his arms around her waist. "I don't know if I'll be able to survive without you," he said, nuzzling his lips against her cheek.

"It'll be for just a couple of weeks," Lou protested vaguely, a smile forming in her lips as his mouth crept closer to hers.

Suddenly, the kitchen door burst open. Lou and Kid let go of each other as Isa made her usual raucous entrance. She left her books and pail on a chair carelessly and rushed to hug her parents. "Free from school then, honey?" Lou asked.

"Yes!" Isa exclaimed happily. "And here's my report card. Miss Daniels said I've done very good this year."

Kid took the leaflet and smiled as his eyes swept through the school report. Since Isa got her glasses, all her difficulties at school had vanished. She was a clever girl… maybe her grades weren't as brilliant as Jed's were… or had been, but she wasn't the poor, clumsy girl that everybody had thought she was.

"Very nice, honey," Kid said with a smile and the girl beamed proudly.

"And where's your brother?" Lou asked as she looked through the window, trying to catch a glimpse of her son.

"He was coming after me… but he was walking so slow," Isa explained. "I think he didn't like his grades… he didn't let me have a look, though."

Lou and Kid exchanged a knowing look. They could imagine that a self-demanding boy like Jed was finding it totally humiliating to get those low grades that Miss Daniels had told Lou about.

"Can I go play now?" Isa asked, looking between her two parents.

"Just one moment, honey. Pa and I need to tell you something," Louise said as she took a seat at the table across from her husband. The girl remained on her feet, her eyes looking at Lou expectantly. "Remember when I told you that one day we'd both go to see Aunt Tessie and Cousin Mary?" The girl nodded and Lou continued, "So now that there's no school, we're going to do it."

Isa's eyes got as big as saucers, jumping up and down excitedly. "You mean that, Mama? Really?"

"Of course, honey."

Isa clapped her hands happily and threw her arms around Lou. "Oh Mama, I love you so much and I'm so happy!"

Lou laughed, sharing a contented look with her husband. Isa followed the direction of Lou's gaze and as her eyes fell on her father, she asked, "And what about you, Pa?"

"Jed and I are staying here… you girls go and we boys will look after the house."

Isa smiled. "And when are we leaving, Mama?"

"In a couple of days."

In that moment the kitchen door opened again and a morose Jed shuffled inside. Before he had the chance to say anything Isa jumped in front of him and exclaimed, "Ma and I are going away to Aunt Tessie's! And you'll stay here with Pa!"

Jed lifted his fearful eyes to his mother. Every day was total anguish, especially nights or when he was at school. All he continually thought of was Ma and the danger she was in. The simplest sign of discomfort he got to see in his mother's face scared him to death and sent him into a frenzy. The hours he stayed at school seemed endless and he could hardly concentrate, thinking how his mother was doing. Somehow he had the strange feeling that as long as he checked on Ma, nothing would happen to her, or at least he could see for himself she was fine. But if she went… how could he know she was okay?

"No, you can't!" Jed blurted out to everyone's surprise. "You can't go!"

"Honey, it'll be just for a little spell."

"You can't go!" Jed repeated, his eyes bright and his face red. "Please, please don't go! Please. Pa needs you here!"

Jed was so nervous and panicky that it hurt Lou to look at him. Alarmed, Kid tried to appease him. "Jed, it's gonna be all right. You and I will manage. We can have fun too, maybe go fishing."

"No… please… no!" Jed continued in the same tone. "You can't go… you can't leave us!"

Worried by the boy's shaky and troubled state, Lou rose to her feet and came closer to him. "Honey, if you don't want me to go, I won't," she said, squeezing his shoulder soothingly.

"But Ma…" Isa protested in disappointment.

"Don't worry, sweetheart. The summer is long and we'll go some other time… maybe Pa can take some time off and then we four will go. Will that be better, Jed?"

The boy nodded but Isa wasn't happy that because of her brother, she wasn't going to enjoy that special time with her Ma. "Why does he have to spoil everything?" the girl said grumpily.

"You hush, honey," Lou admonished lightly. "Nobody's spoilt anything… we're just putting off our little trip for later, that's all." She paused and silently gestured Kid with a tilt of her head to the boy that this would be a good time to talk to Jed. "Come on, Isa. Come with me… I'll show you something. Kid, would you mind keeping an eye on the stew for me?"

"My pleasure, honey." As Lou and Isa walked out the door, Kid turned to his son. "So, Jed, isn't there something you need to show me?"

The boy reluctantly handed his father his school report. As Kid ran his eyes through the card, Jed watched him with concern. Surprise was evident in Kid's face. After the conversation Lou had with Miss Daniels, he expected Jed's grades to be lower than normal, but in fact, what he was reading now was much worse than he had thought. "What happened, Jed?" Kid asked. The boy shrugged his shoulders and remained frozen on the same spot. "Come here and sit by me."

The boy took the seat his mother had previously been sitting in. "Are you angry with me, Daddy?" he finally managed to ask in a quivery voice.

"No… I'm just worried," Kid replied. "Miss Daniels told Ma you don't pay attention to her lessons. That's not like you at all, Jed. I want to know if you have a problem at school. Maybe you need glasses too," Kid suggested. "Can you see the board okay? Your books?"

"Yes, Pa." The boy twisted his thin little hands, and Kid realized uncomfortably that Jed hadn't eaten much at breakfast for some time. The little fellow was actually losing weight . . . could he be ill?

"Jed . . . You know you can tell me anything. Are you feeling well? The truth, son. Are you having trouble sleeping?"

The boy kept quiet for a few seconds. "I… I have nightmares," Jed finally said.

"Nightmares?"

Jed nodded. "All the time… about … about our family."

"Tell me about them."

"I dream that M… that you die," he lied. Somehow it embarrassed him to admit that the person that worried him was his mother after the shabby way he had always treated her. "It scares me so much, Pa. I don't want to be left alone."

"Jed, you're not alone," Kid replied, brushing his hand over the boy's head. "Those are just dreams… they aren't real. And in any case, if something happened to me, you wouldn't be alone… your mother is with you."

"But I want you and her both to be fine. I want you both to be alive," Jed exclaimed, his eyes misting with the tears he stubbornly held back.

"We are fine, Jed. I could tell you that nothing's gonna happen to either of us, but you know we can't control life. But, buddy, you mustn't waste the good times worrying that something bad is bound to happen. You can't live with that anguish all the time." The boy nodded with a serious expression and Kid asked, "Are you gonna stop worrying about all that?"

"I'll try, Pa."

"And if you have those nightmares again or feel worried, come and talk to me, all right? Don't bottle all that inside yourself… that's not good."

"Yes, Pa."

Lou returned to the kitchen and seeing their serious faces, she asked, "What's going on here?"

Kid rose to his feet and walked to her. "Nothing. Everything's fine, isn't it, Jed?"

"Yes, sir."

"I'm glad of that then," Lou exclaimed with a smile as she took a wooden spoon out of a drawer.

Standing next to her, Kid placed a kiss on her cheek and said, "I'll leave you now. Your brother wanted me to have a look at one of his colts. Seems it was limping this morning."

"I'll see you at dinner then. Say hi to Jeremiah and Penny for me while you're there," Lou replied and when the door shut behind her husband she turned to her son, "Honey, Isa's in the yard playing marbles. Why don't you join her?"

"Can I stay here instead? I want to do some reading." His small face looked peaked as he muttered, "Maybe if I work hard all summer I can catch up by next fall."

"Of course you can read... but don't overdo it, sweetheart, it's summer vacation, after all. Read something fun, why don't you?" Lou suggested, still worried.

Jed took one of his books and opened it on the table, but his eyes wandered off his pages to the standing figure of his mother. Pa had said he shouldn't worry, but he just couldn't help himself. His mother looked so small, so thin and weak that his fear for her was very real and frightening. The boy kept gazing at Lou. She stood before the stove, stirring the stew at the same time as her hand stroke her grown middle repeatedly. As she turned her head, he caught Jed staring at her with a very strange expression. "Something wrong, honey?"

Jed's cheeks flamed in embarrassment. He shook his head at her question, but his curiosity took the best of him, and he asked, "Does your belly ache?"

Lou frowned in confusion and as she looked down on herself, she realized where her hand was. The gesture had become so automatic that she wasn't really aware she was doing it most of the time. She had missed so much with her other children that she felt a terrible need to feel every single thing from her new baby, every motion, every kick… "Uh… no… it's fine. The baby sometimes moves. You can feel it too if you put your hand on my stomach. Would you like to try, Jed?"

The boy shook his head with an expression of horror. Despite everything, Lou had to smile, understanding the boy's reticence. She turned back to her cooking and Jed's voice sounded behind her again. "Are you happy about the baby?"

Louise walked closer to the boy and stood before him, the table separating them. "Yeah… of course I am. We all are, aren't we?"

Jed looked steadily at his book for a moment, not answering the question. He spoke slowly after a pause, "And will you… will you go to sleep when the baby is born?"

"No, honey…"

"You went to sleep when I was born," Jed added pointedly, cutting her off in mid-sentence.

"Because I had an accident… it had nothing to do with you."

"And …. and… and…"

Louise rounded the table while his son stuttered the same word. She brought a chair closer to the boy and sat down. For the first time he was opening to her and it seemed that what he had to say was very important to him. "What is it, honey? Just tell me."

"Will Pa still love me when the baby is born?" Jed finally asked in a whisper.

"Of course, Jed. You know Pa loves you," Lou replied, taking his little hand in hers. "He always will… no matter what."

"And you? Will you love me?"

Louise smiled. "Listen to me, Jed. Nothing in this world… nothing at all… you hear me? Nothing will ever make me stop loving you… nothing. You're my very special boy and nobody can take your place." Lou leaned across and dared to plant a soft kiss on Jed's cheek. This time he didn't recoil or move his face away. He simply sat there, unmoving; his face remained unchanged and cold. "I love you, Jed." A soft burning smell reached her nostrils and Lou almost jumped from the chair. "Oh no, the stew!" She ran to the stove desperately, trying to save tonight's dinner from another disaster.

Behind her, Jed remained in his seat. His hand timidly touched the spot where his mother had kissed him and little by little a smile started playing at his lips. He didn't know why but he wasn't feeling so anguished as before… maybe it had been his father's words or maybe what Ma had said… but something had changed… definitely … a strong force urged him to cry… but not because he was sad…no, he wasn't … he was happy, very happy. And that was the strangest thing… very strange indeed.


	43. Chapter 43

**Chapter 42**

_August 1872_

Lou pulled at the reins and stopped the carriage in the familiar surroundings. "Here we are, children," she announced as she wiped the sweat from her forehead with a handkerchief. It was a scorching day and she was double as hot at this advanced stage in her pregnancy. She had difficulty sleeping at night the same way as when Jed had been on his way. Jed was in August, putting an end to her discomfort, but she still had a few months to go before this baby was born.

Since it was such a hot day, Lou had decided to take her children to the lake for a swim. They always enjoyed these treats and whenever Lou could, she, sometimes on her own, sometimes with Kid, took them here away from the heat at home. As soon as she stopped the carriage, Jed and Isa jumped off it and ran to the water. "Be careful, children," Lou called after them as she struggled to get off the wagon on her own, which wasn't such an easy task in her condition.

Jed and Isa had stripped down to their underwear and were already splashing in the water when Lou approached. She had to smile as she stood watching them for a few minutes. She never ceased to be amazed by the beauty of their innocence and wholesome enjoyment. Childhood was a delightful stage in life and Lou was glad that her children could enjoy theirs after what her absence had meant to them in these last years.

The nearness of the water was refreshing and welcoming. Louise spread a blanket on the ground and sat on it. Unlacing her boots, she pulled them off and waded into the cool water. She let out a cry of delight as she felt the freshness on her skin. It was heaven, and she wished she could join her children in the water. Yet, heavy as she was, she didn't dare. She couldn't move so freely because of the lingering problems in her limbs, and she feared that if she got into the water, she might have difficulties when she tried to get out. She didn't want something like that to happen when she was with the children by herself. So she should be happy with just cooling her legs. Maybe next time she'd ask Kid to come along and then she could have a good swim too.

While the children kept playing loudly, she waded back to shore, and sat down on her blanket. Reaching behind her into the basket, she pulled out a book and started reading. This summer was proving to be real special. The months after she had woken up had been a personal odyssey of hers as she had to struggle and cope with so many discoveries and changes at the same time. But now everything had calmed down and she was now able to enjoy all the blessings she had. Even Jed was much better. The boy wasn't so wound up and had clearly relaxed. Unlike those first months, Jed was now eager to join her and Isa in their daily going-ons, and he laughed more easily. Lou thought it was so beautiful to hear his laughter now. Little by little they were becoming the family Lou dreamed of. This summer was making possible for the four of them to spend time together and learn to be a family. They often went for walks, had picnics and they had even managed to spend a whole week at Tessie's as Lou had promised Isa they would.

Louise lifted her eyes from her book when she realized that the shouts and laughter had fallen silent. Glancing over at the water, she saw Isa quietly playing with a handful of muddy soil she had probably picked up from the bottom of the lake. Lou swept her eyes over the place and not seeing her son, she asked, "Isa, where's Jed?" The girl didn't reply and Louise repeated the question in a louder tone, "Isa, where's your brother?"

"I don't know. He was here a minute ago."

Louise rose to her feet with trembling legs as fear gripped her heart. "Jed! Jed! Where are you? Jed!" She didn't get any answer. Sick with worry, Lou plunged into the water as she kept calling the boy's name frantically.

"Ma…" Isa let out fearfully, worried at seeing her mother in that desperate way.

"Quick. Go to the shore and stay there!" Lou ordered and the girl obeyed silently. Her big size didn't let her move freely and she cursed herself for getting so distracted while the children were in the water. What she was thinking couldn't be… she'd have noticed or heard him… and Isa was there too. Without thinking about it twice, her head went underwater, her eyes struggling to see something in the cloudy water, but there was nothing. She was at her wits' ends but she couldn't think… she had to find Jed, and she kept going underwater over and over again. The minutes felt like hours; her body was trembling, she was out of breath and with each passing second the fear was turning into sheer panic. Where was her son? Where was he? She kept calling his name in desperation, the water dripping from her face, getting into her mouth and making her cough, but she didn't stop… she couldn't stop.

In the middle of her turmoil a small voice resounded, catching her attention. Louise stopped short and directing her anxious eyes to the land, she saw Jed standing on the shore with a rabbit in his arms. The relief rushing through her all was such that she thought she was going to faint, but she didn't. All her self begged to reach for her son. She struggled to reach the shore and when she finally did, she marched to Jed, dropped to her knees and drew the boy against her wet body urgently. She had been so scared… so frightened. Jed didn't move an inch and stood stiff as his mother squeezed him against her.

Lou pulled away after a few seconds and fixing her eyes into his, she said, "Don't ever do that to me again… never ever… nev…" Lou couldn't finish as the sobs took over, wracking her body. She cried bitterly, imagining what could have happened. Weak as she was, her body swayed and lost her balance, and a hand came to rest on the ground while she wept into her other hand, from the release of her terror...

"Mama!" Isa called and ran to hug her mother.

Jed stood there, watching his mother break down. He had seen and heard her cry other times, but never like this… and it was because of him that she had always cried, he realized with a heavy heart. Jed felt his own eyes getting moist. He hadn't meant to scare or hurt Ma. When he had been in the water, he had seen the rabbit a few feet away. He had followed the little wounded creature and picked it up to show Ma and see if they could help it like he had helped Herman. He set the little animal down and put a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry, Ma," Jed stuttered in a tiny voice.

His words made Lou stop, and she directed her wet eyes to her son. "What… what did you say?" she asked in a quivery voice as she wiped her tears with a handkerchief Isa gave her.

"I… I'm very sorry, Ma," Jed repeated. "I didn't mean to worry you."

To his surprise, his Ma smiled even though there were still tears in her eyes. "You called me Ma," Lou breathed with a contented expression.

Jed frowned in confusion, looking at her as if she had lost her mind. "Yes… what else should I call you?"

Lou shook her head, forgetting the desperation she had felt a few seconds before. "It's the first time… you never called me Ma before… never before and it sounds so wonderful."

Jed looked at Lou with a strange expression, but didn't have the chance to react or say anything. Ma gave him a smacking kiss on his cheek and rose up. She started towards the wagon, saying that they had to go back home now. The wet clothes weighed on her already heavy body but she didn't mind… she thought she was walking on the clouds. Her soul had gone from hell to heaven in a matter of seconds and all because a little word… a little word that meant a world of difference for her, that opened a path to her son's heart.

Later that day Jed went in search of his mother. He felt horrible for making her cry and worry before. Pa always said that he and Isa should be good to their mother. Ma needed peace and quiet at this time of her pregnancy because the baby made her very tired. During the drive from the lake to the ranch, Jed had studied his ma in wary silence. Despite her tears previously, she didn't seem angry or upset, but quite the opposite, and had kept chatting with Isa gaily.

Jed had been thinking about what his mother had said. Maybe it was true he had never called her Ma before… he had stubbornly refused to acknowledge her… never talking to her and just answering her questions briefly. Yet, things were changing in the last month. He didn't see Ma as an annoying replacement of Natalie any longer… he was starting to appreciate her presence and understand what Pa and everybody else had tried to tell him. He actually liked Ma…she was so nice and kind, and made him feel loved and special… and he had been a fool. This summer was the best in his life, the best ever. He was having so much fun with his parents… Pa was so… so… so happy. Until now Jed hadn't realized how much his father had changed… for the better and not like he used to think, that Pa had turned against him because of Ma. Jed admitted he had been wrong. When Ma had been sick and in bed, Pa had been very sad. He had never laughed and smiled so much as he did now and Jed knew it was because of Ma.

Things were so much better and that was the main reason why the boy still worried. Even though he tried not to fret so much as his parents had told him to, it wasn't easy. If something happened to Ma, all this harmonious world would go to rack and ruin, and he'd be back to the same sad existence. Jed knew there was no reason for him to fear and he hadn't had those nightmares again, but the fear lay at his heart and he just couldn't get rid of it.

Jed found Ma in her bedroom. The door was ajar and she was busy, taking baby garments from a cedar box next to her. She was sitting on the bed, her hair wet from her bath and since her back was to the door, she didn't' notice the boy's presence even though he stood there for a couple of minutes. Jed finally knocked at the door.

"Jed, come in," Lou said with a happy expression. The boy shuffled inside and sat on the side of the bed that Ma tapped with her hand. Lou noticed his serious countenance and asked, "Why the long face, honey?"

"I… I came to apologize… for what happened before."

Louise smiled. "I know it was a misunderstanding, but honey, you mustn't wander off without telling me, Pa or the adult you might be with. You know I worry."

Jed nodded; he could understand worry, that was for sure, and he didn't want to worry her. "I'm sorry… it won't happen again, I promise, Ma."

"I know, sweetheart," Lou replied, smiling as she heard him call her ma again.

Jed directed his eyes to Lou's lap at some tiny baby gowns. "Are those for the baby?" the boy asked casually.

Lou took one of the tiny garments and held it in front of her. "Actually, these are yours."

"Mine?" Jed echoed in surprise.

"Yeah… from when you were a baby," Lou explained.

"Was I that… that small?"

"Yeah, honey," Lou laughed on seeing the flabbergasted expression in the boy. "But you grew strong every day and outgrew all your clothes pretty soon."

"Are you going to use them for the new baby?"

Lou smoothed out a tiny baby dress. "I don't think so," she said softly. "I want to keep these to remember you as a baby. I remember making this one for you before you were born, and dreaming of you, and loving you even before I met you." Playfully, she held it up against Jed's chest. "Look how you've grown since then," she said, half proudly, half regretfully.

Jed stared down at the garment in awe. It was unbelievable that there was a time he had been able to fit in something so small.

"Jed, you were such a beautiful baby," Lou continued, a smile lighting her features as the memories came to her. "You used to look at me with those beautiful, blue eyes you have as I talked to you... as if you could understand me. I always said that you'd be a clever boy and I wasn't wrong. And you know something? You still look at me in the same way as you did when you were a baby… with the same intensity."

Jed averted his eyes and lowered his gaze to his lap. Lou quickly noticed the change in him and grew concerned. She placed a finger under his chin and tilted his face to her. "What's wrong, honey?"

"I… I wish I could remember you, Ma. I wish we had more of those memories."

Lou smiled sadly. "Me too, Jed." She sighed and added, "But I'm here now, honey, and we have all the time of the world to make new memories. And… you know… I can always tell you about the time you were a baby and it will be as if you actually remembered those moments."

"I'd love that… I'd love to know," Jed replied.

"All right then. Let me think… Oh yes… Jed, the day you were born…" Lou started and the boy listened to every single word with rapt attention, feeling closer to Ma and happy that they shared something, a place that nobody else could take from him. He would keep those memories in his heart and they would stay there all his life…as long as he lived.

* * *

Clarification: I know that Jed has referred to his mother as Ma before, but never directly. She talked about 'Ma' to others, but if you go through the exchanges between Lou and Jed, he never calls her Ma once... That is what Lou means.


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 43**

_September 1872_

Jed woke up with a start, with the light pouring in his room, and sat up, confused. He had trouble going to sleep the night before, since the baby's due date had come and gone and he was lying awake waiting for sounds or signs of his mother's going into labor. Not that he had the slightest idea what to expect in that regard, but he had lain awake well past midnight straining to listen to any sound that might come from down the hall. But it was clearly past nine, judging from the bright sunshine, and he got up and padded to the door, opening it.

He went downstairs, stiff and tired and yawning from his late night, and heard noise from the kitchen with great relief. But when he burst into the kitchen, he saw that it was Rachel, Emma and Jenny bustling about, not Ma.

Isa was sitting at the head of the table, peeling apples, and grinned when she saw him. "So you're finally up," she said slyly. "You've missed all the excitement."

"I have?"

"Yep. You're a big brother," Isa continued casually. "The doctor was here at 2 o'clock, and it was all done by seven." She smiled, enjoying being the bearer of exciting news and dragging it out as long as she could. She was about to tell Jed the rest of the story when Rachel intervened.

"Your ma has been asking for you, Jed. She wanted you to go up and see her right away when you got up, and she will tell you the news."

Jed was so relieved that his mother was all right, he barely cared what was upstairs, a brother or a sister, but as he raced up the stairs again, he began to hope and pray that it was a boy. One little sister was more than enough.

He tapped on the door and his mother's voice, sounding weak and tired but happy, called out, "Come in." She was trying to sit up as he timidly came in the door, and Kid rushed over to help her.

"Don't strain yourself, baby," he admonished.

"I want to see my boy," Lou said wearily, and Jed was a little worried to see her exhausted face as she held her arms out to him. He crept to the side of the bed, and pressed her hand cautiously.

"Are you all right, Ma?"

"Fine, darling, just tired," she whispered. "I missed you and wanted to see you."

Jed looked suspiciously at her; she seemed almost drunk, like Grandpa Teaspoon used to sometimes when he had too much whiskey. Pa saw Jed's expression and leaned over, whispering, "Dr. Harris left some medicine for Ma, to help her feel a little better. She's also very tired, so let's not wear her out, okay?"

"Do you want to see the baby?" Lou spoke over Kid in a slurred voice.

"Sure," Jed said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

Lou moved the blanket slightly beside her and propped a tiny head up. Jed stared at the baby, surprised that the small creature was looking back at him. So tiny, so perfect, he marveled, smitten at first glance.

"Can I hold . . . " he paused. He didn't know whether it was a "him" or a "her"

"I'm afraid it's not what you hoped for, darling," Lou murmured, as Kid picked up the baby. "It's a girl."

"Are you sure?" Jed blurted out without thinking, and blushed when Kid and Lou chuckled. Kid laid the baby in his arms.

"We're sure, son. Meet Josephine, your baby sister."

Jed looked down at the little girl and forgot his disappointment at it being a little sister, not a little brother, as he stared wonderingly at her little fist waving in the air. "She's so perfect," he breathed, leaning down to give a kiss on her wrinkled little forehead. "Hi, baby," he cooed, and Kid sat down on the edge of the bed opposite from Jed, putting an arm around his dozing wife.

"I guess you're still our only boy," Lou murmured, and Jed nodded, half-listening, as Josephine drifted off into slumber in his arms.

* * *

The next day, a new week began and Isa and Jed proudly bragged of their new baby sister in the schoolyard before Miss Daniels rang the school bell. The children all rushed to their seats, and Miss Daniels rapped the desk with her pointer for attention.

"As you all know, Founder's Day will be here next month. The school will participate in the festivities, with a special assignment." Miss Daniels beamed at the children, who looked back glumly. This couldn't be anything good, as far as they could see. And Miss Daniels' next words only confirmed their suspicions.

"You will each select a notable town resident, past or present, and give a speech explaining that person's accomplishments and why you admire him or her, at the town hall after the Founder's Day Parade. The best speech in each grade will win a prize," she said brightly. The children looked dismally back, and Jed went pale with dismay.

Get up in front of the whole town and give a speech? He had always been a good student, until his last marking period, and he knew he could write a good paper about the topic. But this . . . he gulped, feeling sweat bead up on his forehead at the very thought.

He was distracted throughout the rest of the class, trying to think of how he could get out of giving a speech. When recess came, he approached Miss Daniels.

"Ma'am … is the speech part required? Or can I just hand in a paper and skip the speech part?"

"Well, Jed, the assignment is a public speech. You needn't be afraid. You can have some notes to keep your speech in mind, and it will be your family and friends, they will be rooting for you."

Jed was seized with a vision of himself, standing in front of a roomful of adults . . . in front of Natalie and her new family of boys . . . in front of everyone he knew . . . "I . . . I don't know, ma'am . . ."

Miss Daniels tried to encourage him. "There are many, many interesting residents of the town. Why, you know several members of the Pony Express, don't you? Including Wild Bill Hickok, isn't that right?"

Jed frowned; he had heard Pa say once that Uncle Jimmy hated being called that, but he didn't like to contradict the teacher, so he mumbled, "Yes, I know him . . ."

"Well, then I suggest you do your speech about him," Miss Daniels said, with an air of someone who considered the matter settled. She was unpacking her lunch pail as she spoke, and she nodded at him. "Is there anything else, Jed?"

"No, ma'am," Jed said miserably. He turned and trudged out the door to where Isa was unpacking their own lunch pail, though he had lost his appetite entirely.


	45. Chapter 45

**Chapter 44**

_November 1872_

Carrying her baby in her arms, Lou made her way downstairs. The day had dawned clear and sunny, but the air was bitterly cold outside. As Lou reached the end of the staircase, Kid approached her and took Josephine from her. "You look beautiful," he said admiringly, as he ran his eyes over his wife's slender figure in her new dress. The weight she had gained from her pregnancy looked nice in her and she had won back the curves she had lost.

Louise smiled as she slid into her coat. Her eyes swept around the living room and saw Isa kneeling before the coffee table where she had placed Herman's cage. The girl was feeding the little bird some seeds while contentedly chatting to him. Lou stifled a protest, seeing that the girl's dress would get all creased before they even left the house. Her attention was drawn to something else, or rather some absence. "Where's Jed, Kid?"

"He's still upstairs."

Lou grew concerned. Today was Founders' Day and her son had been visibly worried at the idea of having to read his speech in front of a room full of people, strangers and friends. He had been working on his assignment every day for the last month. First, he couldn't make up his mind about the person he wanted to write his speech about and then he never seemed satisfied with the writing itself, and kept changing things. Lou didn't even know who Jed had finally selected for his speech… he had been very secretive about it.

"I'll go and check on him," Lou said and climbed back the stairs. She opened the bedroom door and found the boy sitting forlornly on a chair. "Jed?"

The boy lifted his eyes from the paper in his hands and Lou walked into the room. She crouched in front of her son and met his sad gaze. "Jed, honey, we're leaving for town."

"I don't want to do that silly speech!" Jed blurted out, his face white with anxiety. "Please don't make, Ma. Please."

Lou sat down on the edge of Jed's bed and looked into his eyes. "Jed, if you don't want to do it, I won't force you… but I'd like to know the reason."

Jed shrugged his shoulders. "I don't like talking in front of a bunch of strangers."

"Yeah… I can understand that," Lou replied. "It's difficult, isn't it?" The boy nodded, feeling relief wash over him on hearing Ma grant her permission. All night he hadn't been able to sleep a wink, tortured by the idea of having to talk to an audience, and this morning he just knew that he wouldn't be able to go through with it.

Lou studied an imaginary loose thread on her sleeve, pretending to pull at it as she spoke casually. "It's just a shame that after all the work and efforts you've put in this project you don't get to read it. I'm sure you've done an excellent job and would have won a prize."

"I don't mind," the boy replied.

"Pa would have liked to hear your little speech… and me too, of course," Lou continued softly, trying to pull the right strings to change Jed's mind.

"I can always read it for you two here at home…"

It was clear that she wouldn't be able to persuade the boy. Jed was as stubborn as she, and if he didn't want to do something, there was nothing anybody could do. "Very well then, honey. You don't have to do the speech if you don't want to… we'll see the parade and then we'll go and see your sister read her speech… and the other children too. How about that?"

"Thank you, Ma."

The town was bubbling with people as all its residents had congregated for its special celebration. It was an occasion that none wanted to miss. The town was beautifully embellished with flags and banners, there were stalls lined up along the main street, and there was a distinct festive feeling in the air. Everybody was dressed in their best and for one day problems were forgotten, giving way to some enjoyment.

After taking part in Rock Creek's festivities, the McClouds went to the town hall along with the other families to attend the special show that the school had organized. The family sat in one of the last rows. Jed and Isa took the seats near the aisle, formed by the two groups of chairs set in the room, and Lou and Kid sat next to them. Rachel had tagged along and was positioned next to Kid, holding little Josephine in her arms. Jed swept his eyes throughout the place. He could see all his friends with their families. Natalie sat in the very first row of chairs, flanked by her five boys and her husband, but Jed's eyes didn't linger on them, and he averted his gaze quickly.

Jed also spotted Uncle Buck and Aunt Jenny with the girls in one of the first rows. Aurora was still too young for school and Sunny started her schooling last year. Since she was still learning to read, she wouldn't be doing the speech today. Miss Daniels had rehearsed a song with the youngest pupils which they would sing at some point during the show.

From his seat Jed saw Helen waving at him. The boy replied to the gesture half-heartedly. He was sure Helen would read one of the best speeches. She was the most intelligent student in the school and she was especially good in English. Her brother was also a bright pupil but nobody was as good as Helen Cain.

Soon the function started, and Miss Daniels stood at the front and gave out a little welcoming speech. When she sat down amid polite applause one by one the students delivered their speeches about those notable people in Rock Creek. As Jed had foreseen, Helen did an excellent piece about Grandpa Teaspoon and how he had been a great marshal in the history of Rock Creek. As the girl spoke up, Jed noticed his parents had smiles on their faces and Ma seemed very moved by Helen's account. At the end of her speech everybody applauded enthusiastically.

The Simpson boys, one by one, read their speeches. Jed knew that they weren't very smart students but lately they were doing a bit better. Natalie was sure helping her new boys and as Jed heard each boy's monologue, he could clearly recognize his old nanny's hand in those lines. Compared to Helen's, their speeches were nothing special but whenever one of the boys finished, Natalie and Mr. Simpson congratulated them as if they had actually done a masterpiece. Strangely, Jed reflected, he wasn't so bothered about Natalie's absence any more. He still missed her in some ways, but it was different now… he didn't feel he couldn't live without her. His life had changed, had gone in another direction and it wasn't as terrible as he had originally believed.

Isa stood up in front of everybody next. Jed had to smile as he heard his sister's peculiar speech. She had decided to do her piece about Mr. Tompkins, which had surprised everybody present, even the store owner himself. There were also smiles in their parents' faces as the girl had dubbed Tompkins as 'the sweetest man in Rock Creek' since he was the one who provided children with candy, toys and nice treats. When Isa returned to her seat, Pa and Ma gave her a big hug and told her how proud they were.

The speeches continued while Jed was fighting his own battle in his insides. He also wanted Pa and Ma to be proud of him, and he really wished to do this for them, especially for his Ma. Like his mother had said, he had worked very hard to make his speech special. Deep down he wanted to stand up and read his piece like everybody else, but he didn't know if he could. He was too shy and it would be total agony to be the center of attention… he'd surely blunder and make a fool of himself. Yet, despite his fear, his desire to see Ma pleased with him was stronger.

"Ma?" he called in a whisper.

"Yes, sweetheart?" Lou asked, tilting her head lower to hear her son.

"I… I want to do my speech."

Lou stared at the boy in surprise. "Are you sure, Jed?" The boy nodded with more resolution than he felt. "Very well, then."

At Lou's request Kid left his seat and went to Miss Daniels to tell her that Jed had changed his mind. From his position Jed saw Miss Daniels nod and smile in his direction. The minutes that followed were tortuous as the moment of truth came closer. His feet kept swinging to and fro nervously, and his fingers found their way to his mouth. Ma softly removed his hand and said, "Honey, you needn't worry. You'll do fine. Just think that you're all alone with just me, Pa and Isa." She paused as the crowd of people clapped their hands after the last speech. "When you stand there in the front, just look at one person… find a couple of eyes and focus on them."

Jed nodded and it was in that moment that Miss Daniels called his name. The boy got up with trembling legs. Ma squeezed his hand and Pa smiled, before he left his seat. The way to the front of the hall was a hard test in itself as Jed went along the aisle and all those people's eyes kept looking at him with curiosity. When he finally reached the end and stood in front of everybody, Jed thought there were a lot more people than what he had thought in his seat. As Miss Daniels announced him, Jed felt his legs tremble, the paper in his hands quivering and he even thought his voice was gone.

"Come on, Jed," Lou muttered from her position. "You can do it… I know you can, my boy." Lou was on the edge of her seat, her spirit yearning to send the encouragement Jed needed, when the seconds went by and he remained in silence.

Remembering Lou's words, the boy finally lifted his face, found his mother's eyes in the crowd and smiled. Louise smiled back and then Jed started with a loud and clear voice.

_When Miss Daniels told us we had to write about an important person in our town, I wasn't sure what I could do. I know there are lots of folks who have been very important to our town and who have done many great deeds. People admire them and talk about them everywhere, and maybe one day they will be famous like Uncle Jimmy or Uncle Cody and their names will appear in thick books like the en… encyclopedia that Pa has at home. Today, though, I don't want to talk about those important people. I want to talk about a person who will never appear in those books, who people might not think much about, or that many might not even know… But that person is very important… important in my life… important for me and my family. That person is my mother, Louise McCloud._

From their seats Lou and Kid exchanged a look. Lou's eyes were as big as saucers and Kid squeezed her hand as they continued listening to their son's clear voice.

_When I was a baby, ma got sick and went to sleep. She wasn't with me, Isa and Pa all those Christmases, on all our birthdays or when Katy had her first filly… and so, so many moments more. She's missed so many months, so many days, so many hours… moments that she'd never get back. I know she's sad because of that… But now… she's here back with us. Pa is happier than ever… and I'm glad to have ma with us._

_Ma always gives me a treat when I've been good, helps me with my homework, and answers all my questions even when I've been naughty. But that's not the best . What I love most about Ma is her smile, her pretty smile. She always smiles at me… always… in the morning when I wake up, in the afternoon when I go back from school, or at night when I go to bed and she makes sure I'm tucked in, and hundreds more times in between. I sometimes… I am often mean to her... And then I know she gets sad and cries … but she is never mean to me and keeps smiling at me despite everything. I know my mother hasn't made important decisions for the town, become the mayor but I know she's braver than most mas, maybe braver than some pas, even. She rode for the Pony Express just like my pa and my uncles, and she's as quick on the draw as a gunfighter. But that's not the main reason I picked her to write about. She's the most important person in Rock Creek just because she's my mother, the only one, and she's more important to me than anybody else. She's pretty, smart and the best mother in history._

Jed lowered his eyes as he finished his speech and heard his applause with shy pride. "Thank you very much, Jed," Miss Daniels said and the boy noticed that his teacher's voice sounded strange. He turned his eyes up to the lady. Miss Daniels cleared her throat as if trying not to cry, which Jed found very strange. The boy stood next to her as Miss Daniels announced the end of the show and reminded the children that the winners would be announced later along with the winner of the horse race.

The crowd streamed out of the building and Jed shuffled towards where his family was. He kept his eyes downcast, fearing Ma might not have liked his speech. When he finally reached their seats, he dared to look up. Pa, Isa and Aunt Rachel were smiling but Ma was silently crying. Jed felt a tug at his heart on seeing his mother in that state. He had wanted to do something good for her, and had tried to write a nice piece about her, but once again he had made her cry instead of the smile he had hoped to put on her lips. "Please, Ma, don't cry… please." Impulsively the boy reached for Lou and hugged her tightly. "I'm sorry, Ma. I'm sorry I made you cry so many times… I'm so sorry."

Jed was tearful now too. Lou cupped the boy's face in her hands and wiped the tears from his eyes. "Shush, honey… it's okay. I loved your speech, my boy, as much as I love you."

The boy sniffed, feeling calmer. "I love you too, Mama … very much," Jed leaned forward and embraced his mother once again. Lou's tears reappeared, moved by her son's words. She had longed to hear him say them since the very moment she first wished for him… and it had finally happened. Her son loved her. Her arms brought him closer as her eyes turned to Kid and they shared a look.

"Isa," Kid started with a wide smile, "are we gonna let these two leave us out of this?"

The girl shook her head, giggling happily and almost in unison father and daughter leaned to join Louise and Jed. Lou smiled happily… feeling happier than ever before. Her family was practically squeezing her against the seat, and she could hardly breathe, but she didn't care. For years she had been dead to the world… just a body, a piece of flesh and bones… nothing else and even when she had come back, she had felt as dead to everybody as she had been before…. like a corpse that tried to find her place among the living. She could have lost her life, her family, her loved ones… but her destiny hadn't been sealed. Life had been generous and showered her with the blessings she had almost lost on the way. Yeah… life was wonderful… absolutely marvelous… She was alive and as she held on the warmth of her two men and her sweet girl while hearing Josephine's soft gurgling, she smiled among her tears, aware she couldn't wish for anything else.

**The End**

* * *

**We reached the end of this story. As I told you at the beginning, this fan fiction is very special for me, and every time I read it, I feel moved by all the moments the characters live. I want to thank everybody who has read this story and left comments especially brankel, AA, Michelle, Segate, Gina, and Wendy. Thanks from me and on Ellie's behalf. I know she's also thankful for all your comments and reviews.**


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